“No clear finish line” does not have to be true. We accept it as true, because the idea of cutting the cord, of saying “Nope! No mas!” to our fantasy, it’s…unthinkable. Too painful. Can’t live without this person in my life. Non-starter.

We want to avoid that pain – of losing our fantasy, our light, our “special connection” with another — and it’s easier if we just keep it going, even if we are withering away. Long distance makes it pretty easy to ignore what we probably need to do…Thank LO for being so special, for their time/friendship/care/lessons/special qualities/whatever, then get out those scissors, and cut the cord. SNIP.

For a local LO, distance, for me, is usually a helpful thing – I usually do better if I “pull a geographical” to use the Alcoholics Anonymous phrase…

But, I have also been in limerences that were long distance, for instance, they began that way, and after a meeting or several, ended that way, and I will say, and a multiple offender, who is basically a self-annointed limerence sommalier at this point, haha, LD LE’s have a totally different bouquet than the local variety.

A few of my thoughts as to the why :

1) I am not sure if Laura was able to meet her LO to mutually agree to end the relationship. I am going to assume not.
Generally, I think relationships that break-up over the phone are more painful and difficult to get closure on, and leaves a lot of loose ends.
A relationship that was special deserves and warrants the face to face talk and appreciation of what you had together, which helps to move on to the grief stage.
The long distance further exacerbates that feeling of ‘being cheated’ out of having a sweet goodbye and final embrace. Every mile of distance between you dials up that feeling of unfairness.
Maybe this is contributing to not being able to let go.

2) The pain of the high likelihood of never seeing each other again, may be simply too much to contemplate, so Laura hangs on to the sweet limerent thoughts of LO to comfort her from facing that reality.
Most people actually date locally, so there is always the chance you may bump into a previous partner at a restaurant etc or if each others circumstances change, it is potentially much easier to reconnect when you are more local and have friend connections.

3) Also if Laura may be stuck in LE, due to the thoughts of a potentially different life if she moved to that other country, maybe it has a very different lifestyle, climate and culture. It is very exciting and enticing to think of moving somewhere different and far away and starting fresh.
Many people fantasize about moving somewhere exotic with a wonderful new life.
We may regret not doing that and for Laura maybe more so, as it was more tangible and could have been possible. This could be a factor in the LE too.
The reality of such a move may be not so easy or exciting, because we still have to do laundry wherever we live.

4) And definitely what Mila wrote above ! This one for me too.

as Dr.L says, Laura has the opportunity to write her own story and future.
Best wishes Laura if you are reading.

This!

My friend the LCSW told me that one reason I was having such a hard time getting past LO #2 was I never grieved for the relationship. Once I did, things started to get better. If Laura is truly attached to her LO, the end of the relationship is a loss. Depending on Laura’s unique make up, it could be relatively benign or very traumatic but it’s still a loss.

The end of the 5 Stages of Grief is acceptance. But, what does that mean? Acceptance is different for everybody. Personally, it came down to indifference anchored in the realization that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay there. Once I got to the point where I accepted that not everyone who comes into your life was meant to stay there, I was able to see things from different perspectives.

I realized that “LO” is a label, not a position and I have no place for an LO or xLO in my life. I was able to look back on things and see that there were good things about the LEs, the last one happening when I was married not withstanding. I think I will always consider LO #2 the “villain” in our relationship in that she declined every offer I made her and appeared to want to keep me in reserve. The therapist described LO #2 as “manipulative, passive-aggressive, and triangulating.” However, LO #2 showed me that happiness was a possibility for me and contributed to two of the best years of my life. She also was the central figure in two of the worst years and the trendline was in the wrong direction. But, that’s me.

Again, acceptance will mean different things to different people and how they get to it will depend on their unique factors. Some people may spend a lot of time in Anger, some may spend a lot of time in Bargaining. The process isn’t linear and you can go back and forth between stages. There may be things in someone’s circumstances that make it hard to get out of a stage and it may take some work, possibly with a pro, to figure that out. If Laura really wants to get past this, she’ll have to define what acceptance will mean to her.

Then, she’ll have to get there.

It’s hard to see the forest when you’re dodging trees. My personal analogy is being able to gain altitude and get above the trees to where I’m no longer in the forest.

Laura has a lot to consider.

https://livingwithlimerence.com/on-grief/

https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-loneliness-of-no-contact/