Mila,
“I think that limerent frustration and pain are simply very strong things and the mind tries to alleviate them.”
I think you’re quite right on that!
Imho, thanks for bumping up the message. 😊

I had a good exchange with TO. He understands my need for a break but still doesn’t quite “get it”. I’m undecided what to do.

Sweet – limerence-free (a caveat is always needed!) – dreams all on this side of the pond!

I bumped the message so you would see it Mila 😀

“Long distance is a blessing concerning LOs, isn’t it? Or is it?”
I can only guess you are right, a long distance is a blessing compared to others stories of day to day contact (Speedwagon always comes to mind on this situation).
But the limited time when you meet a long distance LO is just so intense and bittersweet that it hurts so bad afterwards.
Get some rest and sweet dreams Mila and everyone

Oh I missed that message, sorry!
Of course I meant Trifles, I think I wrote Imho because you quoted her questions to you and I was already thinking about them…

I think I’m not that impulsive, I think that limerent frustration and pain are simply very strong things and the mind tries to alleviate them. Don’t know really, though.
Long distance is a blessing concerning LOs, isn’t it? Or is it?
I wish you a pleasant evening- I’m horribly tired, will go to sleep..

Yes, Mila’s message was for Trifles (not me) 😊

Best wishes to you too Trifles.
(My term on breadcrumbing was meant in relation to the future if TO may keep you hooked but no real desire for a relationship even if you want one) TBH, I’m not that down with these type of terms, so maybe I should keep away from them 😊!
You said “I think he is a positive force in my life and a real friend. But as he is (geographically) distant, I could surely manage without him”
well, that is excellent! I need to subscribe to this for myself too.

@Mila,

Just to clarify, I didn’t mean to imply that your xLO plays or played games – I don’t believe he did from all you’ve said. At that point I was just talking about what might increase or reduce an LE for me.

@MJ,

Ok let’s talk disclosure.

I think it depends on the circumstances, the expectations and how it is done. I don’t know those for you with LF yet. Sometimes the desire to disclose can just feel overwhelming / overpowering, right?

In my case, going against it is all that Mila said and I repeated above. That is all top of my list for why not to disclose. Plus, for me, there must be a special kind of hell reserved for what LO might hear as implied: “I like you, just not enough to change the course of my life and be with you instead of with SO”.

Ok, as we are among friends, I have gone off into fantasy reverie at times about whether I *would* actually want to take that course. But that would have to be a route I was fully committed to before disclosing. And I could well find it wasn’t even a route open to me from her perspective.

But then I do have a number of pro-disclosure arguments (besides the desperate wish to know if it’s reciprocal). Don’t worry, they are firmly trumped by the “don’t do it” arguments. But here they are all the same. Some seem to follow your logic:

1. To disclose is to be truthful and present the person with full facts (from our side) about what is happening in the background of the ‘friendship’. To not disclose is to deny them that, and on some level to ‘fake’ them in the friendship.

2. To not disclose if challenged or if they disclose to you is lying. And lying in a direction that could make them feel bad or doubt their judgement.

3. If they’re smart and attentive, they have probably already figured it out or suspected it anyway.

4. To disclose potentially gives an ego boost, especially if we use nice wording to do it. The “put a lot on me” bit is only really accurate if we disclosed in expectation of anything. If we accept whatever answer they give, and give them a bit of space to process it, I am not sure it is so bad.

Here’s the other bit that bothers me though. I don’t know if this is anything like what you find yourself going through with LF? To disclose casts doubt in their mind about what in the friendship previously, on our side, was somewhat fake or driven by an ulterior motive. Though this could be balanced by the ‘be transparent now’ one from my list … it is, apart from my relationship with SO, the single biggest reason I have never disclosed anything to LO.

Is anything among that a factor in how things are for you two at the moment?

Thanks Mila. I can feel the reduction of intensity of my emotions now, so thats gotta count. You are right, the sadness may be due to saying goodbye to this LE.

Plus as MJ said, this is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for the support, MJ. How are you feeling now with respect to your LE?

Mila, this was Trifles you replied to, not Imho. 😉
But yes, I wouldn’t make choices “for him”. It was still good that you pointed out the perspective you did, because I hadn’t really thought about it.

For the moment, I just have a need to air out my frustrations. (And luckily he’s a pretty good recipient for these frustrations – or at least he doesn’t get upset by them.)
It’s like one of those impulses we have in limerence: to make sense of things or to move things along – in any direction, just to get rid of the frustration.

I just recently wondered if us limerents are more – or less – impulsive than the average person. (There could of course be no correlation) Because (previously) I have often felt impulsive in my frustration / cognitive dissonance. Perhaps we are even less impulsive, because otherwise we would disclose and the situation would dispel itself somehow..? Instead we drag along in our limerence for months or even years…

ABCD,

it still sounds like progress to me. When there’s no elation, there’s no „reward“ as just came up in my discussion with LaR,and this will help letting it all die down long-term. I actually recall that feeling of sadness. Maybe it’s just a sadness of goodbye to that limerent episode?