Hi Imho,

but now maybe not put too much weight on it, because in the end not everything is in your hands. You cannot steer the events or him, only yourself, maybe only plan on how you‘d like to behave(and if you‘d like to suggest a meeting or not) so that you can be ok with yourself afterwards, no matter how it will play out.
Now I‘m worried I brought you into rumination hell🙄
It’s just my own experience that I feel better when taking charge, might be the opposite with you, maybe you‘d feel better when you stop thinking about it and let it run its course!

Hi Mila,
thanks for your message which really helps, as I do have influence , it’s not up to the direction of the weather.
Your words are prompting me to think hard and indeed being in control to make it real and honest. Whether I should really minimise the f2f contact, which maybe counter productive and bring some regrets and hard feeling afterwards.
I’m really torn to be honest as to the right approach….I’m a bit confused right now. Let me think about it and reread your message some more with my own thoughts ( lots of rumination I’m good at !!).
I will let you know how I go . have a great week ahead x

And by “this has changed…” I mean the attitude that marriage is a “necessity/given” in life.

Snow, I agree with CMC’s point. And I think what a shame it is that it isn’t a given to everyone – that you shouldn’t be with anyone except for the WANT to be with them. I do remember growing up that for some of my friends it was a major life goal to get married. Of course they did have career goals as well, they were smart people. They didn’t NEED to get married, but the previous generation’s attitudes were a strong influence. I think life was tough(er) for women of our parents’ generation if they were not married. I think this has probably changed for the younger generation, at least in our privileged countries.

Another brainwave…

In my opinion, “romantic love” and “limerence/person addiction” are different things. Based purely on my own personal experience, here are the two main differences I see between “romantic love” and “limerence/person addiction”.

(1) Romantic love involves falling in love with an actual person. When I was limerent, I might have been suffering from “person addiction”. But I didn’t fall in love with the boy sitting next to me in Maths class. I fell in love with my IDEA of the boy sitting next to me in Maths class. I wasn’t interested in the real him.

Now I’m out of limerence, I can see my former LO much more clearly, and understand who he is/was/will always be. He’s a nice enough fellow. But, honestly, we have very little in common. For example, I wouldn’t enjoy watching the sports he likes to watch on TV or participating in the same hobbies, etc.

(2) Romantic love probably grows to a certain intensity, and then stops. Romantic love is powerful, but there’s a limit on how powerful it becomes. Limerence, on the other hand, can just keep growing and growing in intensity forever.

Romantic love is like a sports car with excellent brakes installed. Limerence is like a sports car, but when the mechanic built the sports car, he forgot to install brakes. Or maybe he installed faulty brakes. And the driver of the second sports car can neither stop nor slow the vehicle once it’s in motion – a very scary thought.

(1) Limerence is “person addiction” and “person addiction” is a phenomenon entirely separate from “romantic love” and shouldn’t be mistaken for “romantic love”.

If limerence isn’t “romantic love”, but only a perplexing alternative condition called “person addiction”, some human beings are (subjectively) likely to be experienced as addictive by potential “person addicts” and should therefore be avoided at all costs by people prone to person addiction and who wish to avoid person addiction in the future. I.e. prevention is always better than a cure.

I feel this theory fits in with the idea that limerence is some sort of trauma response.

(2) Limerence is “person addiction” and romantic love is “person addiction”. If “romantic love” is “person addiction”, then shouldn’t everyone just embrace “person addiction” because apparently it’s the biological norm? (Assuming one believes “romantic love” is a normal and highly desirable state of affairs),

Or, here’s an idea – can a distinction be drawn between the “person addiction” of limerence and the “behavioural addiction” of romantic love? What if romantic love is classifiable as behavioural addiction but as not person addiction per se? I.e. are “person addiction” and “behavioural addiction” two different things?

I think the most ardent defenders of limerence are likely to be people who believe they are experiencing bog-standard romantic love. And what could be more natural than romantic love? Why the push to pathologise romantic love, etc, etc?

(3) “Person addiction” and “romantic love” are two different, distinct entities.
However, in the early stages, “person addiction” and “romantic love” unfold in eerily similar ways. While true “romantic love” follows one well-established emotional trajectory, “person addiction” takes a steep turn to the left before degenerating into a curious state of utter mental and physical chaos. (We might use the analogy of a plane that flies off course that then crashes into the sea).

If this third hypothesis is correct, the question is raised: why do humans so often mistake limerence/person addiction for romantic love? Is it just a lack of good information? Or are the early “nervously pleasurable” feelings of romantic love and person addiction exactly the same, so people understandably get confused? Also, is it possible for one person to experience BOTH healthy romantic love/s and stubborn person addiction/s in the same lifetime?

Personally, I’m a fan of the third theory – “romantic love” and “person addiction” begin in the same way, but then “person addiction” takes a steep turn to the left. Why this swerve takes place I cannot say.

Hi Imho,

“It will be a very brief encounter unless we make further arrangements to meet-up, as normal friends would do. I think that’s now unlikely.
So yes it feels heavily loaded with expectation.”

What do you mean, “it’s now unlikely”? It sounds as if it’s like the weather or some other stuff you cannot influence. Would you like to meet him, or would you like to make this as short as possible, just see him at the event and be gone?
I think, me in your shoes, I would feel better if I would feel more in charge- not waiting if he suggests meeting, but deciding if you would like it or not, so you could say no if he asks, and if you would want to meet, you can suggest it yourself. It would lessen the load of expectations and unpredictability.

Also, could be that there’s suddenly a valid explanation coming forward why he didn’t get in touch, or that he gets in touch suddenly tomorrow etc- that might overthrow your defenses, and I think you should wisely prepare that something like this won’t bowl you over that much that you veer in the other direction and destroy the good progress you’ve been making.
This could also happen at this event.

Maybe think about how you want to feel after the event- how you want to have behaved etc.
Me, I experienced often pain after such an event, when I avoided LO the whole time until he was gone, and afterwards I realized that this wasn’t what made me feel good. Having spoken to him and having behaved friendly and calmly, and then having said goodbye on my own accord, that would have made me feel good and given me peace of mind.
That might be not at all what you need for your peace of mind, I just advise to think about it before- how would you like the evening/afternoon/whatever to play out, and then you can act accordingly and not feel as a passive victim of circumstances.

Does that make any sense?
If not, it’s ok- it might be my more passive personality that feels better when I finally get a bit proactive in steering events.

Trifles,

I just want to conquer what CMC had said in the other blog, “ I’d 1000 times over rather be alone than let the fear of being alone stop me from leaving a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling. I believe a lot of single people become much pickier because it IS so good being alone (if you’re privileged enough to have the freedom to do what you want). A partner would have to ADD to my life”.

Sometimes, spending time with “wrong” companies are simply “painful” if not boring one’s brain out…. I wish 36 hours a day to do all what I want to and enjoy doing….

Thank you for your chilled, joyful smoothies! 🫂

“Trifles are made of jelly, custard and cream and other stuff.”
Imho, I gotcha – I was just being subtle/coy. 😉 I gotta stop that, it doesn’t work in text form.

I’ve also wondered before how healthy it is to keep people “in my life” (or are they only on the outskirts?), who I really have no claim to demand anything from… LOs usually fit that bill. You and Snow reminded me of the pains that that dissonance causes.

Hi Adam,
Your LO circling back and not making contact is hurtful, I would feel the same. A ‘Stuff her’ response is the right one to help yourself.
We gotta get meaner !

Paula Abdul, eh? Well she is gorgeous.
I love FYC’s. I’m probably older than you think.
That is an excellent song. Also ‘Johnny come home’, less LE relevant but there is a lyric that resonates drowning sorrows.

https://youtu.be/dYuceNlhe-A?feature=shared