“The past is real but it doesn’t determine tomorrow”

@Adam,

I think it can and that’s not me saying anything against how limerence affected you and your marriage. Your Wife has obviously forgiven you, but you’re hard on yourself because you feel bad for sort-of betraying her. (Mostly in your head of course.) Your Son has issues about it too, from what I’ve read in your past posts. I say keep working on him. Never give up on him. He’s still young and has some growing up to do. (That’s what everyone keeps saying to me about my Daughter) It does sound like you all can and will recover from this. You’ve made some good strides here the past few months. (Minus the arm-sling)

True that what was done in the past, was actually done in the past and cannot be changed. However if you had actually, physically cheated on your Wife, how would that then determine her trust level with you now? It’s because you would have actually cheated on her in the past and that may determine what tomorrow could very well look like. A separation, divorce? How do you know?

A person that commits a sex crime, gets caught, convicted, sent to Prison and then gets out eventually has all sorts of challenges that may never be met. Because of their bad choice to commit a crime like that in the first place. Once they get out, they will probably have a hard time finding good work, a home, or a relationship. Be forever affected from the past.. Sex offender registries don’t help them out either. All because of what they did in the past, which most likely will affect their life now and what their tomorrows might look like.

Your Pastor is keeping things hopeful and promising and it isn’t a bad thing to preach about but it’s a message I get tired of because its so cliche and subjective. I understand fully why it hit you hard like it did. It’s like it’s a conflicting message thats supposed to magically sweep away the sins of the past and everybody just shut up, pick up and move on. I say if it’s that god**** easy, then why am I still so f*****g divorced? It’s because my past has affected my present and my past will affect my tomorrow. I made the bed, now I’m sleeping in it. I hate it.

This is some of the logic I try to write to LiS about when he makes his appearances back here now and then.
Yes, ask me about having a PA/EA and cheating on the Mrs.. The consequences of that. I’m living the consequence every new day, from that past. Which now directly affects the current and how from that same past, will affect how my tomorrow will probably go.

Hi Bothered,

“I’m seriously wondering how I’ll make it through.”

I can’t tell if you mean make it through the LE or whether you’re alluding to something more serious. Please get professional help or just a pro to talk to if you feel suicidal. If it is not that serious, it is really about distracting yourself in the moment by doing something/anything. This can be anything from just getting up and making yourself a drink or food, to doing something more substantial like exercise or whatever else you enjoy. Some swear by the ‘snap the rubber band on your wrist every time you catch yourself thinking about LO’ method. Rinse and repeat many times, expect setbacks, but keep trying again. I am sorry if some of this sounds obvious. I think today and around now everything could be heightened for you even more by the anniversary of your Dad’s birthday. I hope it eases for you soon.

I am familiar with running my LO on rumination loops all day. It can and does improve with time and limited contact. I was having a walk today and realised I’d gone 90 minutes without her crossing my mind. I shouldn’t celebrate that, but I do. If 90 seconds feels more realistic than 90 minutes for now, start with that and work upwards.

I think Heebie Jeebies’ idea of DrL’s deprogramming course could be apt for you. Or, does the work situation rule disclosure out totally? I am not suggesting doing it now, as your mind is too fogged, but it is the uncertainty that is the fuel for limerence, and some here without an SO swear by disclosure as a way to end it quicker – the argument being that rejection may be painful but still better than indefinite uncertainty.

Remember – you haven’t committed any crime falling for this guy and having fantasies about him.

Minor point to try and hold you accountable, you keep saying you are in love. That’s not really correct from what I understand, (but there are a lot of discussions about it here).

You are closer to an addict who got hooked without realizing it, and you need to understand your emotions in that sense, i.e. you have to work to control your cravings, reduce and then eliminate them.

Anyway, i think there is the emergency deprogramming course, have you tried that?

https://courses.livingwithlimerence.com/courses/emergency-deprogramming-course

MJ and Heebie Jeebies, thanks for your responses and for sharing your experiences. I suppose that my dad’s passing is a major factor in this LE. Today would have been his birthday if he was still alive. It was usually a very special day for our family, and I’ve been thinking about this date for months. Although I’ve known LO for about a year and admired the qualities that mean the world to me now, I didn’t start loving him and obsessing over him until just about two weeks ago. A small, still functioning part of my rational brain, is trying to tell the all of the rest of me that LO is just being professional and nothing has changed on his part. I don’t believe myself.

MJ, I read your response yesterday and spent a lot of time thinking about the impact of losing touch with my best friend. We used to talk or text almost every day. Last year, her birthday was the same day that my dad was discharged from the hospital as terminal. I texted her ‘Happy Birthday’ but did not call because of all that was happening; she just replied thanks. In about the month that passed between her birthday and my dad’s death, she never called or texted me. I did not reach out either. She knew my dad was sick but I didn’t tell her just how sick he was. I felt she was not there for me, and I did not think we could be friends anymore. I mentioned before that I’d had adult infatuations. I suppose they might have turned into limerence. But I’d told her (only her) about the feelings that were developing. She helped me see the situation through her eyes; both infatuations were married men. Although I still have friends, they are more superficial. I don’t have a confidant like I did with her and she did with me.

Since I’ve learned about limerence, I’m trying to appreciate that this ‘altered mental state’ is the reason I feel so out of control, so mad. However, understanding does not mean that my LE is diminishing. Instead, my thoughts are fixated on LO, he is uppermost in my mind and my fantasies are escalating. I’m seriously wondering how I’ll make it through.

Adam,

The past was real but gone!

It’s not here or now, which is what you have.

MJ

The pastor said in his sermon this morning “The past is real but it doesn’t determine tomorrow” and that hit real hard. And all I could think of my past sins. Including limerence

Hi Bothered,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Limerence is a nightmare sometimes.

I can relate a bit – one LE 6-8 months after my dad died. I couldnt grieve at all, he was an alcoholic and we had a very emptionally distanced relationship. It lasted about 4 months, came out of the blue, and thankfully went almost as quickly. It was complete ‘closure’, i woke up one day and felt nothing. So hold on, hopefully it will stop soon!

I didnt know about limerence then, but im guessing the guide here will help.

I have had limerence before, and since had a relapse of a previous episode, connected i think to painful crises, e.g. midlife, early adulthood and some attachment issues that i guess came out of my relationship with my dad. A subset of the people here seem to be able to relate their limerence very closely to the specific trauma.

I don’t really worry about everyone else in the Church. I figure they are there for the same reason I am. To get some sort of clarity for an issue they have, and how to maybe apply it to their own lives/situations. I do wish them the best.

I don’t really go to Mass to pray for my Brother or Sister there sitting next to me. Although Catholic guilt will tell me I should. This is probably a wrong mindset that I most likely should feel guilty about but I do not..
I pray for my needs, my Family and those in my circle. Sometimes I go and I’m in a place where I can’t even think straight myself for even 5 minutes. How then am I supposed to get what I need from God, if I have to pray for everyone else, who may infact have it going way better than me anyway? Will I ever know? Do I even care?
Not really..

Perhaps they have it even worse. I will probably never know because I am more of an introvert. My Wife used to give me shit for not caring enough about my fellow Brethren. I would justify it by saying it’s not that I didn’t care. I don’t want to see anyone get run over by a Bus. But I have enough problems of my own. Everyone else is kinda secondary there when I make the sign of the cross.

This is probably the very reason I always refer to myself as a very Terrible Catholic and a horrible Christian.

Thanks Lim-a-rant. I have been on here before. Usually, if I come on, one can be sure I’ve face-planted on rock bottom and will soon start trending upward.

Having support and compassion from intelligent people, feeling less alone, that is hugely helpful. Thank you.

I’m rebuilding my mental foundation. I need to live. I cannot linger in this LE much longer. I hate the way I have been feeling. So, it’s time for action.

I am a big believer in personal neural engineering. I engage in it when I am reeling from a truly difficult situation, and feeling utterly ineffective. I decide, I’m going to sit down, use my journal, have a few good conversations with myself, and figure out a way out of this, a way to look at it, a way to see it. I tell myself: Get out of your own way, and handle this.

I am listening to a lot of Stoic YouTubes. Like, a LOT. Weirdly, I like the ones that have the AI voiceover of a Sedate English Gentleman.

But the real secret sauce, I think, has been listening to a lot of “Sigma Female” YouTubes (Oddly enough, I also recommend any in Sedate English Gentleman voice for these.) They are cheesy, and based on “personality types” which I find a dubious, snake-oily concept, but the narration works and is bringing me back from the emotional fringe. 🙂