I would like to make two personal messages of friendship and encouragement:

@Trifles.

I would like to say that I like you and respect you very much as a person. I’m sorry if I’ve been a little snappy when responding to your good-hearted inquiries. You know, it’s natural when meeting someone new and potentially special to you to want to talk about him. (A) You’re trying to understand your own feelings. (B) You are potentially trying to understand his feelings too, in case a genuine connection is possible. (C) What European woman of sublimely good taste, such as yourself, hasn’t mooned over a “hunk”? 🙂

The reason I cut our conversation short wasn’t prudery or distaste or even boredom. The reason I cut our conversation short is I sensed in advance that the things you might wish to talk about were/are a little out of my depth. I didn’t want to waste your time…

I’m an INFJ. For some weird reason, everyone always wants to talk to me. I don’t really understand why people always want to talk to me. Am I a good listener? Do I have lots of empathy? Do people assume I’m smart? Aren’t there a zillion other people to chat with? Why are my ears in such high demand? Last I checked, everybody has ears. 🤣

Believe it or not, I’m always shocked when people seem to like me, even just as a platonic friend. I’m always shocked people want to talk to me. I’m always shocked people seek out friendship with me. I mean, I don’t really know anything – I am LITERALLY just making stuff up as I go along. 😇

I’m not really the wellspring of wisdom people make me out to be. I don’t understand why people become so comfortable with me so quickly. I keep my distance from people generally because I sincerely believe I have nothing in common with other humans. And I have no desire to have anything in common with other humans. I’m quite happy being “that horrible man with smelly armpits”. 😆😆

So I didn’t mean to give offence. I only wished to indicate that maybe I don’t have the particular pearls of wisdom that you’re seeking. But maybe someone more sophisticated (and female?) can chime in? My abrupt manner doesn’t mean I dislike you as a person. I mean, like you, I have European ancestry. Bluntness is the European way, right? Bluntness is the hallmark of a true friend. 😜

@MJ.

You’re a valuable member of our forum and it’s okay if you need to have a moment – or several moments, as case may be, to compose yourself. The handkerchiefs are in short supply. but I think I can rustle up an old tablecloth if you promise not to do anything untoward with it. 🙂

I don’t think limerence is “an escape”, strictly speaking, or some kind of payback for past mistakes in life. I mean, I understand your current emotional state: the blind rambling self-pity of a very lovely and definitely quite mad middle-aged man. But the science tells us limerence is a normal motivational state to do with pair-bonding. 😜

You will eventually get to the other side of limerence and you will eventually feel better – and I mean a LOT better. Seriously better.
So much better in fact you’ll have trouble remembering the lows of limerence. You’ll also have some trouble remembering the highs.

When you get through limerence, you won’t have a particularly negative image of your LO. But nor will you have an artificially positive image of your LO. And you won’t feel the need to punish yourself over whatever difficult or too-intense emotions you’re currently experiencing. The pain is temporary. Your nervous system is just loaded with slightly more stress than it’s built to carry for a sustained length of time.

Wishing you well, buddy. Take deep breaths. It’s a purely biological thing you’re going through, even though you may interpret it as some kind of moral test/spiritual crisis. You will get through this. 🙂

@LaR,

Thanks for your words and support. You also have added a lot of color and variety to the forum with your words. I have enjoyed reading your views and posts.

It just becomes aggravating when I feel like I have so much going on and have no time for myself. Even realistically pursuing Lady Friend feels almost an impossibility right now. So maybe it is all in the timing and right now isn’t a good time for either of us, but I’ll keep pecking at it.

Btw.. Humor is not my best attribute but keeping things fun and light helps makes this limerence thing more tolerable..

We’re all just mad here..
Mad I tell you.. 👹😈

@Trifles,

You were not being preachy. I didn’t read it like that. I’m probably just not in the best place today to be on here and defend my positions. I don’t want to be crotchety about stuff. I appreciate your words and support. Forgive me for being snippy

Things with Lady Friend are good. Almost too good at times. Just last week she mentioned I give her “Dad vibes”. Came from a conversation we were having about her Family but it still kinda surprised me. Guess I’m just bummed because she’s still making herself unavailable.

Patience might be a virtue but it still sucks..

@MJ,

You are very valuable to this forum – insightful, sensitive to what others say, prepared to face what you see as your own mistakes, and funny too.

I think Trifles advice to let go of the LO picture routine as much as you can comes from a good place of care for you.

Try not to be too hard on yourself moralising about the past – you can only affect now and the future. Those of us holding LE’s at bay while we have an SO under our roof don’t feel we are doing the right thing either.

Solidarity!

MJ, “Limerence is an escape. Isn’t this why we do it?”
Amen! I struggled with letting go, because limerence was such a great escape. And I still see myself as capable – it’s maybe even probable! – of falling into another LE. That’s probably why I’m here on LwL.
Sorry if I came across preachy, that’s just my way of trying to help.

For what it’s worth, I still think you should put the picture away. This will sound cliche, but hear me out – how about turning that goodwill – that you demonstrate to LO by making the sign of the cross – onto yourself? Isn’t that what you are trying to do: forgive yourself for your past mistakes?
Would you encourage a friend to ruminate on their perceived shortcomings and past mistakes? If I understood you right, it sounds like that is what the picture symbolizes to you now.

And don’t say you can’t get a girl to get a cup of coffee. You seem to be cultivating a really nice friendship with your lady friend.

@Lovisa, Trifles,

Thank you for your concern. It isn’t so much torture anymore as it is disappointing. Regret for so many God-given gifts over the years and I may as well have just pissed on all of them. My marriage and Family especially. Probably why I even feel out place in this forum at times. Because so many struggle here with this issue while having an actual SO living under their own roof. Maybe I don’t have a place or I just don’t understand. It’s these deceptive behaviors that got me to where I am now and its really a terrible thing. Nowadays I can’t even get a girl to go get a f#$@%n cup of coffee with me. It’s maddening but wtf can I do??

I look at my limerence as perhaps more like retribution but it’s caused me to look at my failures in a deeper way and from there try to make the best of things. LO was a dream that became a goal and then it backfired. I want what’s best for her. I really do. Thats why my gesture over her picture in the morning is simple and to the point. I’m disappointed about it but it doesn’t cause me the massive anxious feelings like it did before. I only ruminate when all else fails or when everything else just plain sucks. (Like when Lady Friend lets me down, taking care of Dad becomes overwhelming or I’m quabbling with my Ex again over our Daughter.)

Limerence is an escape. Isn’t this why we do it? I feel like I have some pretty good excuses for it. Otherwise, why else would I still be here??
Just where I am today.

(If I’m ranting too much, my apologies. Not trying to offend. I’m having a moment I’d rather not be having..)

Emily Dickinson

The Soul selects her own Society —
Then — shuts the Door —
To her divine Majority —
Present no more —

Unmoved — she notes the Chariots — pausing —
At her low Gate —
Unmoved — an Emperor be kneeling
Upon her Mat —

I’ve known her — from an ample nation —
Choose One —
Then — close the Valves of her attention —
Like Stone —

c. 1862

****
The soul selects her own Phantom —
From the edgeless Self —
Then, she opens her Eyes —
Send out uncurled rays —

❄️ 🐦‍🔥

Down, down, down into the core of limerence
Dreamily they go, the crossed eyes, the reverie, the euphoria;
Somberly they go, the green stares, the knotted eyebrows, the rolling sighs;
Violently they go, the standing hair, the streaming tears, the chest-ripping howls…

I know, I know.
I do approve. They must go.
“But I am not resigned
to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.”

❄️ 🐦‍🔥

Oh MJ, I’m sure you know that’s all kinds of wrong – most of all to yourself. Why torture yourself with the constant reminder and even “forced” rumination (as if the rumination wouldn’t have plenty of chance to happen without the visual aid??)?
How easy it would be to put the picture away for awhile and see if the obsessive thoughts lessen even a little bit?
It’s not the “least you can do”, it’s the “worst you can do”… But I’m sure you know this (just refuse to let go for some reason!)

MJ, I think LN has a great strategy! Consider trying that instead.