I watched a few of his videos on his YouTube today. Yeah…I know. Not helping. I really miss him. I enjoyed being around him and talking to him so much. I wish we could at least be friends. I’m not sure how I would do that though.

I might see him again for health reasons if I have to. He is honestly the best doctor I’ve found, and it’s not easy to find a really good one.

Hi Kelly,

“Two years is a long time — is that even with no contact?”

No – I have fairly constant contact with her, some of which can’t be avoided. People on LwL who go full NC usually report noticeable improvement within a couple of months, and closer to proper recovery after about 6 months, but it varies and many seem to relapse and break the NC (I understand why). I’ve read that limerence usually fades naturally after 18 months to 3 years, but you can speed it up with NC. A few here talk about longer time periods or even lifelong limerence for the same person. I reckon you could see it off swiftly with NC in your situation.

“I can’t talk about this with anyone I know, they would think I was crazy!”

Are you sure? Maybe they won’t get the limerence side, but hasn’t almost everyone had a big crush that their thoughts have obsessed over?
Having said that, my experiences of talking about it IRL aren’t great! I told one friend who in hindsight wasn’t a good choice. He grilled me about it like it was a job interview and was only interested in ‘fixing’ it. Another friend worked it out and called me out on it and I was too slow with the denial. I felt very judged by her response. These chats happened maybe 6-7 months ago, and neither of them has even bothered to check in with how I’m doing with my LE since. I haven’t told anyone else.

Friends are weird aren’t they? Here at LwL you’ll find loads of supportive people, so just vent away or ask us stuff if you want.

Do you have to see this doctor ever again for professional (health) reasons, or can you work around that?

Thank you for the encouragement! I like that this community seems very supportive of each other. I can’t talk about this with anyone I know, they would think I was crazy! They just think I have a little silly “crush”. They don’t know how much I think about him.

Two years is a long time — is that even with no contact?

I know the fantasy of him is probably very different from the reality of him. I have never met anyone quite like him, though. He is incredibly attractive to me. I looked forward to my visit with him every week, but now I don’t have that to look forward to anymore, so I’m feeling really down.

Hi Kelly,

Try to be accepting of the thoughts without acting on them. They and the LE are a part of you but not all of you. You haven’t done anything wrong and the LE hasn’t been sent to you as punishment. Just let the thoughts be, come and go, and don’t fight them or feel bad about them – that will only prolong it. It will be 2 years in limerence for me pretty soon and I’m only recently getting to this realisation thanks to this community.

Try to gradually separate the fantasy of him from the reality of him (which Maria has explained very well re doctors).

You’ll get there. Just be kind to yourself – this isn’t your fault.

Dear Kelly,
This doesn’t even need to be said but do not email him (!) Maria is right, with NC this will fade to nothing and logic will take over. It will take time but it will happen faster if you stay away from social media and reverie.
It’s great that you are focusing on your career. I hope you have other things that are healthy in your life and that make you feel good too. I believe that we can do a lot of healing ourselves by being open-minded. Think of it as laying the groundwork for therapy (when you can afford it).

Thank you. It’s good to hear that the feelings will fade over time. I hope so!

And I know that I don’t really want him, exactly, I just want someone like him, but who is actually available. I want someone kind, respectful, supportive, etc. But most men I meet are the opposite of that.

I know he only cares about me as a patient. I even had the idea that we could be friends somehow, but that’s probably not a realistic idea, is it?

Disclaimer: no offense intended to any medical professionals!

The thing about doctors is, they have worked very, very hard to get to where they are. Entry to med school, then med school, then training, then constant exams. They are (understandably) very attached to their careers and would not risk offending their patients. So what you see as a patient, is not their real demeanour, it’s a business-client interaction.

The only reason I’m telling you this is to try to pop the limerence bubble. As Adam said, try to avoid social media. I had to delete my accounts (temporarily) to control the urge to check what he was up to. And know that with enough NC, the feelings will fade to  nothing – even if it doesn’t feel possible now. I didn’t believe I could ever get over it, but over time the feelings just subsided and logic took over.

Thanks for your reply. It is interesting to hear another perspective. In some ways I do have a fantasy that a truly kind man will “rescue” me — from my depression, from my anxiety, from my worries about the future, from my feelings of insecurity, from my history of failed relationships. I know, deep down, that this isn’t possible. I have to rescue myself. I plan on getting into therapy when I can afford it. I know I have to do the work. But sometimes it’s so tempting to think, if I just had the right person, I could be happy…

I know I shouldn’t keep checking his social media. It’s so hard not to. I’m really missing him, but it’s only been 1 week. I could also email him with any medical questions and I know he will answer (he’s a wonderful doctor and really cares a lot about his patients). So it’s constantly tempting to email him just to get a little dopamine hit, I guess! I’m just struggling at the moment. I have had crushes before but not like this level. I know I probably just need to work more on my mental health and social life.

Kelly

A lot of our past and our past or present relationships can play a big role in getting limerent. You seeing his kindness, caring and attentiveness towards you was probably your glimmer. You compared him to your past relationships, both romantically and in regards to your childhood. Someone that, in your limerent mind could nurture and care for you the way a man should.

I had the opposite experience, I wanted to be that man that nurtured LO and her daughter. A woman just coming out of a divorced because her ex cheated on her and broke up their marriage and family. A woman in peril. I would do my all to give her faith in men again and show her how she should be treated. My weakness being to always want to “rescue” women in similar situations. So it is interesting to hear from your perspective.

I had a partner to help me through my limerent episode. When I discovered this community I immediately told my wife. While it may seem the “noble” thing to do, it was more a too little too late as my wife already suspected I was having an affair with her. My wife decided to stay with me and help me through it.

If you have to go at it solo with no local support group, it will be hard I am sure. But you always have this community and Dr L’s posts that he does every Saturday. There are members here that have had much more similar limerent episodes to yours than I do. But it is intriguing that we almost have completely reversed roles in both our limerence.

I will tell you that, from my own limerent experience, social media can be a very easy addiction to pick up. I haven’t seen her in over 2 years, I have no contact with her, but I have checked her social media several times since I last saw her, and it just feeds the limerence with a quick little hit of those pleasant brain candy that tastes so good. Not a good thing for recovery.

He is so kind, caring, attentive and a good listener. I know that one of the reasons that attracts me so much is because I have been in relationships with emotionally abusive men (and I grew up with an abusive parent). I know I really need therapy but can’t afford it right now. How can I stop these thoughts about him? My logic brain knows these thoughts are ridiculous and stupid, but my “limerent” brain keeps having obsessive thoughts about him.

I am currently single and more focused on my career than dating. Because of the abusive men in my past, I feel too nervous to even try dating right now. I also feel hopeless about meeting anyone as kind and thoughtful as him.