I’m posting these clips more to remind myself — I’ve been the toughest, unforgiving judge to beat up myself, even my innocent childhood that was completely beyond my control…and then blind and ignorant LEs…

I’m trying hard to light up my semi-muddled head with enough forgiveness and peace… 🧘

https://youtu.be/YxKxi8iM-lw?si=spnZLlqsod3yip-e — Learning to Forgive Ourselves

https://youtu.be/Mk_rbJ4lBYM?si=uz3Rcge4F1x60CWC — Of Course, You’ve Messed Up

@Beth 2,

I’m sorry to hear your setback situation.

I rarely comment here on anyone’s LO, since I have no first-hand knowledge about them. However, if it’s true that your LO “really shamed” you for your discloser and your inner self to him, he’s a GIGANTIC Asshole/Jerk! — forgive my non-Buddhistic and non-Stoic language! It makes me really angry to see anyone who has zero compassion for others’ vulnerabilities, mistakes, and even LE affection — even if not real love, it’s NOT hate or other crimes!

After shaming you, he still “called you out of blue” to hoover or again dally at your LE feeling for him? What a nerve? (Not only he deserves your ghosting but also your bare fists 🤛 ) And you still feel fearful and obligated to keep an unrealistic “friendship” with him, while your supportive SO is by your side? Why❓❓(Please NO need to answer me here.)

If I were you, I’d block his phone number and all forms of contact completely. Meanwhile, I’d mentally and realistically prepare to face the worst — he spreads “rumors/facts” in your network about your LE. What would you do then? Do you have enough courage to honestly face up your friends and family about your LE?

If that happens, I’d buy DrL’s 1st book for each of them to “educate” them and explain to them about my LE with zero ounce of shame! it’s a mental state none of us here has chosen to fall/jump in and all of us are working hard to heal and get rid of such an involuntary condition.

If you avoid preparing for such a possible nightmare, you’d then always live in fear, although your SO is supporting you.

I’m attaching a video clip here, hope it helps you in some ways, even if the cause mentioned in the clip differs from yours….

https://youtu.be/VDKOY0ZTDPI?si=KlZpHP8jUMU49Toh
— The Capacity to Give Up on People

Beth 2, stay strong and determined in total NC!

In this dream I was competing for the attention of a lady; Crystal, a blonde (which might be a reference to Crystal of the Inhumans? Which is weird as my favorite Inhuman is Medusa, a redhead … big surprise. But damn did Gene Colan draw a great Medusa. 😏)against THE Shemp Howard. Yeah it gets weirder. We both obviously dressed our best. Me, slicking my hair back with pomade, which I rarely do. Mostly just for formal occasions. And well Shemp dressed as Shemp did.

Most of the rest of the dream played out like a clumsy Jerry Lewis romance movie. With the two of us going at each other like a Three Stooges short. It was weird but fun for a dream I actually remember. Most of the dreams I remember I actually don’t want to.

Hi Beth, also referring to your reply to Speedwagon’s sage advice, you use the terms of both shaming and fear in your short response about your LO.
No ! you don’t need any of that and deserve more. We all do.

How wonderful you can consult and rely on your SO to figure stuff out together.

Thanks Speedwagon this is very sobering. I need to choose my SO every day. I think I fear LO a bit. I disclosed at one point and he really shamed me for it and I told him so much about myself. My SO knows this. I may need to ask too what he wants me to do. Hope you’re doing well.

Thank you Imho. Those are all good things to think about. I really appreciate it and hope you’re doing well.

Thanks Adam that really helps. I hope you are doing well. I like how you say it’s not good for him either.

Don’t bargain, don’t rationalize, don’t call. Best thing in my view is to keep on a NC path. Like you said, you can’t be genuine friends. You guys are already very sporadic in the communication. I don’t see it as ghosting and there is no obligation. Don’t call if you fear it will set you back. Take care of you and SO first.

Hi Beth,
I’m probably not the best to advise from my limited experience.
I understand you dont want to appear to ghost a friend because that’s not nice nor aligned with your values.
I totally get this and I may face a similar scenario soon.
Maybe you could consider a text message to acknowledge you got the voice message and appreciate it but you are not available to connect right now at this time. So your answer is truthful but not disclosure and no commitment.
Like I said I’m no expert at all, and trying to figure this out myself too.

Also to share that a close coworker of mine sent a really odd response when I asked to meet up in his city when I was visiting. He was so eager and then suddenly didn’t reply to the final messages fixing the time, which was so odd and annoyed me a lot at that moment.
Afterwards I reflected on other earlier signs and messages, and deduced that he probably had feelings for me and decided to not go ahead with the f2f meeting.
Of course, he may just have thought that it would be too boring to meet me again!
I may never know the reason but I don’t hold any grudge to him, because I am an understanding limerent.
Best wishes Beth.

Beth 2

I don’t have the unfortunate situation of not being able to go NC. The only temptation still facing me is her social media. But like you are feeling I finally got to the point that I knew no matter the temptation trying to contact her via phone/text would be disastrous for all involved.

“I’m finally making peace with the fact this person shouldn’t be in my life and that being genuine friends probably is not possible.”

That’s one of the best steps in progress you can make. Because holding onto possible friendship is just limerence still trying to hang on. Limerence was probably not a healthy relationship for either yourself/me nor LO/my LO. He maybe hanging on the the attention you once gave him.

Another great step is realizing that because of the above you have to think about your LO’s future as well as your own. If his sporadically calling/texting you vexes you than avoid contact, not just for your benefit but his too. Once I was able to accept that LOs life was a better quality of life for her without me, it made it easier to ground myself and get back to my own life.

Of course again, I don’t have to worry about contact. LO has never contacted me in over two years. But despite that I know reaching out to her would probably hurt her. Maybe not directly and maybe we could catch up and she’d be friendly and courteous. But that doesn’t mean that wouldn’t drag her into a past that she might be trying to forget, or at least move on from. Gradually opting out of answering his calls/texts might clue him in on what you are trying to do while sparing his feelings. But always first and foremost Beth you have to do what is best for your life. Sure it hurt for a long time that she never has contacted me but eventually I accepted it. As I am sure he will should you feel the need to NC as best as you can.