I am really sorry about what you have been going through and how limerent feelings affected some periods of your life. It’s unbelievable how some people we barely know control our minds, feelings and instead of doing something purposeful we waste our time constantly thinking about them.

Actually when I read your story I felt some similarities about my gym guy and this “inaction” thing combined with staring you were talking about. Sometimes I think my LO is also a bit limerent for me (probably not as much as me of course), because it’s just a strange feeling when we are close.. it’s like we both know something is really happening but can’t talk for some reasons (shyness, inaction, husband, fear…). There was one day when I quickly looked at him and he was staring, holding his hands on his hips, and with an angry expression like “wt* is going on”.

As for my husband, he is more or less a good guy, but I can’t trust him 100%, because he ruined our marriage for stupid reasons. If I compare these two men, so this gym guy seems a bit “warmer” while he interacts with other people. For example, there are two ladies he knows (but from his social media i think they are his relatives or some friends, nothing romantic), and when he talks to them he gets quite close to them, looking in their eyes and feels like he gives all his presence to them. While my husband, when talking to people or even me, is a bit cold, he doesnt turn his body completely to me when talking. He works in programming, so he is quite emotionally cold. Like I said, there was someone in the gym that thought he was my brother

No, never talked, not even a “hello”.. I know it’s so desperate, but it is as it is… I am quite shy, especially with someone I really like.. so I was just expecting a miraculous situation where without any efforts from my side (like showing an obvious interest or some flirting) we would just get this chance to finally start talking (maybe through other gym people). I knew if we had broken the ice, I wouldnt have been shy anymore and deep inside I think we would even have some things in common.

So you are right, if we had started talking at least I would know.. usually I am quite ok with rejection. But from this guy I felt “interest” for sure because if I felt he ignored me I would have been ok with that and just accept it.

But it’s not just shyness from me.. even if i felt a genuine interest from him, i still had some thoughts what if he is just playing and is not intersted, maybe he just wants to be liked by me and feel better about himself… so i couldnt risk and flirt with him having a husband who goes to the same gym. This guy knows and talks to many people in the gym, so if i start flirting he might tell the whole gym what a “bad” woman I am..

So a very complicated situation 🙂
Thank you for your comment with all these insights, it’s so precious. It’s the first time I post in this blog, but I’ve been reading it for a while and it’s amazing how many people there are with similar problems.

I am one of the other few limerents in this forum who has never really spoken much to my LO either. Other than an occasional “hi”or “hello”, to a “how are you?” My LE has persisted now for almost 2 years and I’m just getting to a place now where I am finally coming down off the rush. My LO still excites me but we’ve never officially met. I am a divorced Father of 2 grown children and I am 53. LO is 29, divorced, no kids.. (I know her Friends) Unfortunately I am of probably very little interest to her, because I believe she became irritated in the ways I tried to get her attention by always staring at her..

This began because when she first noticed this about me, she would always stare back, give me 2nd looks, even smile at me which produced glimmer out of this world. No other Woman in my life has ever effected me this way. I don’t believe another person ever will. We are still somewhat co-workers within the same company. Just now in separate buildings within the Complex. I rarely see her anymore which has helped calm the LE but I know where to find her if I ever want to see her.

It was the uncertainty of so much over those first 6 months of the LE that turned my limerence into probably the biggest emotional upheaval of my life. (Not to mention family issues that were hitting me hard also at the time) It got so intense and bad and depressing at times that I even thought about suicide. I got this way because I wanted so bad to meet and talk with her at some point but eventually her body language just told me to stay the hell away.. I never wanted to believe it. She still kept looking at me every day when I would notice her. Sometimes gazing at me like she was looking into my soul or something. Fueling a fire I could not contain. It set up so much emotion that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to comprehend it. My heart was totally set on this person and I feel like she just wanted to break it. It’s been the strangest and most up and down emotional experience I have ever had with another human being. The craziest thing too is, I still adore her..

What I think eventually happened is my creepy staring, coupled with inaction ultimately made her decide I wasn’t worth it. She could always tell by my body language when I wanted to approach and talk to her because she’d always look away fast or reach for her phone. I tried to be respectful and not say anything. For all I know she was playing a game too or maybe she wasn’t ever interested at all. What I do know is I’m still picking up the pieces from it and I am optimistic about seeing her again at some point and hopeful I’ll at least ask her how the job is going on her end. I know she’ll probably shutter and freak out a little, but I don’t care. I know some of her Friends. They know about who I am.

For now, I’m kind of in limbo over the LE and it still makes me sad now and then. I’ve since met someone else and we’ve become good Friends in the last few months, but everything about it is friendly and what feels like normal crushing on a person should be like. Not uncertainty, doubt, confusion and utter sadness.. Like you, there are reasons that I became limerent but I knew I couldn’t keep being in the state I was, so meeting my Lady Friend when I did and her becoming that Friend has been a huge help in purposeful living and calming limerent flames. I try hard not to transfer the limerence as it would not be fair to this person either.

You have taken back your Ex husband it sounds like and should decide if he ultimately is the better choice for you right now. Of course he was probably a barrier to mystery guy not taking action. Constantly doing nothing will only fan the flames of limerence. The only way you’ll be able to move forward is to just meet the guy and see if he’s worth the time to get to know better. If not then go NC and find a different gym..

And yet after all this time, neither of you has really spoken to each other? Even a simple “hi” could get things on a path to resolution one way or another.

I can think of something sort of similar, though it didn’t last nearly as long: There was this guy in college who worked the same job as me at different times. We’d pass on the sidewalk and he’d look at me, so I’d look at him. I thought for sure there was interest, and a crush on him began. Learned his name from his time card, etc. etc. But neither of us spoke to the other. Just kept glancing at each other every time we passed each other.

The following semester, we both ended up at the same job together, but a different one. And now we actually worked together. !!! So I got to know him a little better. I told a friend about my crush on him, so she arranged a little party so I could invite him. So I did, and–he said he doesn’t like the games we were going to play. But then I met another guy at the party and hit it off; he became my next LO. (That was another story in itself, but not relevant here.) Meanwhile, this guy I had the crush on, we became platonic friends/acquaintances.

The point being–Just looking at each other all the time but not DOING anything gets you nowhere. Maybe you’re not meant to actually date, but interactions will resolve the uncertainty and calm down the limerence. There’s also the complication that you are married and have to figure out if you want your husband or the mystery guy.

For 3 years now I‘ve (38F) been in a really bad limerence for the person (M, around 40-45) I‘ve never talked to.

So 3 years ago I was going through the divorce process (it‘s another story… we divorced with my husband for stupid reasons, mostly because of some principes…but the year before the divorce he got angry with me for nothing too serious, it‘s just that we had some fights, and he started blaming me, but in paranoid way…like stalking..anyway you‘ll hear later more about this).

So my husband filed for divorce in the end of May 2021 and we decided that my daughter and I move out until September, however, I decided to move out after 3 weeks, so early June. During those 3 weeks (from the moment he filed for divorce until I moved out), I started going to the gym (I more or less always went there but in the evening), during the day, around lunch time. And I noticed this dark hair, brown eyes, sporty guy with a nice haircut (aka Thomas Shelby from Peaky Blinders…but I didnt know that TV series back then J ). I noticed him, but deep in my mind, unconsiously, I thought he would never like me, maybe I am not his type.. I also saw he noticed me (not like not seeing me at all). But it was just it, I saw him quite often in June, but everytime I turned away from him or left the gym, I forgot he existed.

And then one summer day the same year, mid July, I went to the supermarket and we accidently met, we stopped for a whole, looked into each others‘ eyes for a moment, and then continued walking our ways …and just after that I realised that‘s it‘s the guy from the gym and then …limerence has started. That summer I started going to the gym almost daily, I tried looking my best (putting perfume on my t-shirt, always with make up, etc..), I started working out a lot, and he was almost everyday there as well. After that meeting in the supermarket we started checking out each other at the gym (I did that, but I am sure he did that as well…for example, if we were in the same zone, I would catch him looking at me like analyzing something in a serious way, but once I catch his look he would turn away). So every trip to the gym was like a celebration for me (I even forgot I was in a divorce process… by the way, I wasn‘t wearing my ring anymore, so I guess he noticed that), and if no important interaction happened between us of course I was not as happy, but always with a hope we will start talking or something next time.

Another thing, I am quite shy and if I like someone, I can act the complete opposite so my crush would not understand (I also noticed he triggered me somehow, so sometimes I would even avoid going to the equipment next to him..I was scared that if we are too close, my hands can start shaking, I will get red, and it will be akward). Also, I realised it‘s just some hormones, but logically I was thinking I have to heal from my divorce and that I was not ready, so it’s better not to start anything new this soon. So I kind of not wanted anything serious, but still wanted to go to the gym everyday, see him, it was like an addiction. And I thought I need to heal, and I have time, he comes here everyday, so somehow sooner or later we will get to know each other…

BUT mid September he stopped going to the gym (at least at the same time). So he kind of disappeared…..but until today I think about him EVERY single day, and I would say roughly about 70-80percent of the time. But it‘s not the end of the story and… he REAPPEARED J Interesting thing is early October 2021 my husband started asking for forgiving him and he said it was his fault for our divorce, he begged getting us together, he didn‘t say why he was paranoid (he says it;s because of his panic attacks..but until now he‘s never been paranoid anymore, so that‘s why I think he was just pretending)…Anyway, we got back together (never officially remarried, but wearing rings on). And then after about 7-8months my husband and I go together to the gym, not at exactly lunch time, more in the afternoon…and voila, I come to the main area (my husband has already entered first…he usually changes clothes faster than me)… So I come alone to the main area and my LO is there, he saw me and again we kind of reacted to each other (aka, oh it‘s him, oh it‘s her)… Like we both were surprised, but I tried hard not to show too much reaction (like saying to myself “please stay calm”) and just went to the running track. After my cardio I went to one of the equipments I usually go just after my cardio, and the LO comes very close (he was in another part of the gym)…and we were kind of standing very close to each other, and I feel maybe he would have even started talking to me that day…but …my husband approches me, we talk something, and I think the LO realised that during those 8 months of his disappearance things have changed, I am now with a ring, with a man…personally for me it felt very strange, I thought the last time I saw this guy I was single, I was angry on my husband so I felt free to like whomever I want, but now I see this guy, I felt there might have been something between us, but now I am not single anymore, even feeling a bit guilty that I like someone else and not just my husband… So after this one time in April, I hadn‘t seen my LO for a year from September 2021 to September 2022, except this one time in April. And after this time I saw in April I was so euphoric for 3 weeks, like my hormones were exploding, I was happy I saw him again, he came back, even not for a long time…

So September 2022 I saw him again and I felt that probably now he will show up at the gym more regularly. And he did, in September – October I saw him a few times but nothing important happened, but then from beginning of November he started coming to the gym again like everyday. Again I started noticed we were kind of trying to catch each other‘s glances, checking one another, etc.. and then in the end of November we had like our most important „interaction“: we stared at each others‘ eyes for a long time..I came to one of the equipments and at the same time he came at another one standing next to mine…I looked at him (that time I felt quite calm and confident, not anxious as usually I am around him), he was already looking at me, and our eyes met and we stared like maybe 5 seconds, then I broke it, turned away, and after a few seconds gave him the second glance, and he was all the time looking at me from this close distance like maybe 1,5 meters between us…). Of course, after this I felt euphoric, I „knew“ he definitely liked me and there‘s a chance…but of course my husband (who often came with me to the gym) complicated all these things, I fel that if I was single this time, I would somehow show him an obvious interest and he would dare to finally approach me. When I came the other day after our „stare interaction“, I noticed there was his new friend (at least I haven‘t noticed this other guy before), and this friend also seemed to act strange around me, as if my LO would have told his friend this situation and that he feels I like him too. I noticed my LO would come close to me a few times and I noticed him getting himself in situations where he could see my hand from close up (I think he was checking my ring..if it‘s a wedding ring, if it‘s the same as my husband‘s… actually we don‘t demonstrate our feelings too much in the gym with my husband, there was even a man who thought my husband was my brother…so I think my LO also had some hope that maybe my husband is maybe my brother J ). So things seemed to go well and I had some hope that someday, someway we will get to know each other finally… But months (now December, January..) would go and still no talking, even I‘ve never managed to smile to him because of my shyness, because of what people might think (like she has a husband and now smiling to another man…)…

And 2023, end of January…I come one Monday and he‘s not there, I come next day, and next day and he is not there… and I have this sad feeling that again maybe it‘s a period of his disappearance as it was last time…and it was… in 2023 for almost a year I haven‘t seen seen him not even once…he disappareaed in the end of January and it was a „sad“ year for me… every time I would go to the gym, I would think maybe this time he will be there, but he was not there…2023 beginning of December I even started going to churches, praying to St Anthony (he does miracles) that I would see him… And now Christmas comes…after two days of eating, on the 2nd day of Christmas (Dec 26) I decided to go to the gym just to move a bit because of too much food.. The snow was falling, I enter the gym, go on the running track, start fast walking and accidently look to the left and „OMG…. is this HIM??“ … I look again..and yes 100percent it‘s him (thanks St Anthony for the Christmas miracle 🙂 ). I thought my mind and heart will explode,I was super happy but also super scared…. after running I went to this same equipment which I usually do first after running and he was there already, very close..but that day I didn‘t want to let him know I react to him or missed him, so I pretended I don‘t see him. After a few days, it‘s the same situation, I saw him again and then after running I go to the same machine and he is very close to it, ready to do one of them. I see that he‘s trying to catch my gaze, but I pretend I don‘t see him, and once he is ready to do the exercise, I thought now he doesn’t see I look, so I decided I would look at him and see how he looks (I noticed he started getting some grey hair on his temples during this one year), while he is doing the exercise and doesn‘t see I am looking…but he nevertheless caught my gaze!!! And I got super scared, our eyes met, for the first time I saw a light smile on his face, so our eyes met, then I felt like crazy, I turned away, and then looked back (he was looking), I turned away and then again and again (so we had like triple or 5 times glances in a few seconds, like looking to each other and looking away, and again looking to each other and looking again). I know I must have looked really weird, he definitely saw I had some kind of emotions (especially when I was pretending I don’t see him but then he caught me secretly watching him). It had been a year and I am sure he also knew who I was, and he was kind of giving this message with his look “I am back now”… And he was…until this Monday.

On Monday I saw him and I saw upon leaving he gave hugs to quite many gym friends he has there (he knows quite many people there, mostly men…I don’t know if they are only gym friends, but I think with some of them he even hangs out sometimes outside the gym)…. And now I started obsessively being preoccupied that it might be his “annual disappearance” as he hugged everyone because he won’t be at the gym for a longer time…. Of course, it’s a summer season, maybe he is just going for holiday for a few weeks and he will be back…but if it’s again this long period I am getting desperate because still we have never talked to and there’s no closure… It will haunt me for months… After he came back during Christmas in December 2023, up until now I saw him quite a lot, we had some glances and if we were near, I noticed he would also act a bit strange… but we’ve never managed to properly smile to each other or talk.

Other important things to mention

After his “come back” last Christmas I went to the psychologist straight away and said I know I am crazy but I obsessively think about this man I don’t even know… but she was not much help. When I needed strategies how to avoid it, she started going deep and asking if I lack something in my husband…also my husband caused this painful divorce for no reason and I have a right to like another person…so she said your problem is you are very shy, smile to him, try to talk to him…then she told me you need to know at least something about him and she even suggested waiting in the reception when he goes there and then ask the receptionist for his name so I could check him online (which worsens the limerence situation).

With my psychologist’s recommendations I managed to find some of his friends online and finally him, so at least I know his name, more or less his profession, but there’s not much information online about him… also, seems that he is always is single and has never been married…

Knowing more about him helps in a way, actually I don’t see him as perfect anymore, he doesn’t seem to live like a very interesting life, shares stupid memes on his profile… of course it doesn’t necessarily mean anything…some smart people pretend to be stupid, and some really interesting people never post anything online… but from his friends list, seems that his nearest people are just ordinary people… I mean maybe they are all good people just like himself…but obsessing over this just very regular guy for 3 years still doesn’t make sense to me… I have a very interesting job, I work in travel and have a chance to visit the world’s most luxurious hotels, talk to interesting hoteliers.. I know good things in life and have a good taste… I feel if I knew him better I would lose interest in him quickly, but now I can’t do anything and just can’t get him out of my mind… It’s like I am used to this “game” we (I hope so, it’s not just me) play.

I honestly think he likes me, maybe he doesn’t believe I like him and that’s why he never approached me, especially when I never flirted with him. But I think he is not stupid and he felt I acted strange..also some looks from me gave him some clues I want something from him, but probably he never understood what I really want… Also, I think my husband worked as a barrier a bit… I don’t think it was just me, I even think it might be mutual, but our circumstances just didn’t let us go forward and finally start talking…I was shy, I have a husband, I never gave him exact signs (more like mixed signals) and he never dared to risk…

As for why I got into this limerence, I think I know the answer…first, I grew up with an alcoholic father so everytime my parents would fight (of course my mother was angry on my dad everytime he was drunk) and shout, I would just start daydreaming about the better tomorrow, about how I find a good husband and he will save me and give me peace and normalcy…actually it’s NORMALCY that first attracted me to this guy…when I saw him first time I felt “normalcy” in him.. I don’t know why, but maybe because he was regularly working out, so he seemed normal and not strange (like many guys these days). Besides this and physical attraction, I also felt some familiarilty in him and felt somehow safe when thinking about our possibilities together. Besides him I had some LOs in the past so it was a pattern, but I think never strong as this.

I just wanted to share this story with you as I know you would understand it, I really don’t know what to do… I don’t even think he is a perfect partner anymore, but I still obsess over him and especially now when I am not sure when he gets back to the gym, maybe next week, maybe August, or maybe after a year…

This is from the 1980 movie, “Middle Age Crazy.” The movie is next to impossible to find. If you can find it, I recommend it.

The movie is really funny but really sad. Bruce Dern has a midlife crisis. I would have posted it in the midlife blog but DrL closed the comments. I don’t know if Bruce Dern is a limerent. Spoiler: his marriage survives but he hurts people who love him in the process.

You can’t make this up: This clip is the 1985 KSTW, Tacoma, WA, TV station promo for airing the movie. I was living in the area at the time and watched KSTW. I came home one evening and they were running Bo Derek’s “Tarzan.” “Tarzan” is a deservedly rated R movie. I figured with editing, it would be about 1/2 hour long. They ran it uncut. They ran a week’s worth of hard R movies on regular TV that week. I don’t know if “Middle Age Crazy” was on that week but it could have been.

Fast forward a few years. My wife was going to tour the station with a civic group she belonged to. I told her the story. During the tour, the station manager asked if anyone had questions. She told him my story and asked if it was true. The station manager sighed and said it was. They got censured by the FCC and they fired the program director who did it.

You have to go, and not just halfway – this is your farewell, in your honour.

From your first post, your workplace sounds like intimacy between colleagues is a thing.
The risk is very high that your LO of 6 years may want to say goodbye in a special way. And even if they don’t, that can be painful too.

Try hard to convince your SO to come with you, even though work events can be dreary for outsiders.
Having your SO with you, means that you can show up, as expected, and will likely leave early.

@Marcia.

“Mismatched levels of interest” is a good way to put it. 🙂

@Bewitched.

I understand what you mean. This might not be the case with older people. However, when a younger person experiences limerence for the first time, they probably take that as a sign to race full-steam into a relationship with LO.

They (the lovesick young person) might even misinterpret their own one-sided limerence as tacit consent to date LO since they’re already dating LO in their head. And if the LO isn’t on the same page, and is taken aback by the limerent’s “too keen” attitude, feelings can get hurt, formerly close-knit friendship groups can implode, etc, etc. 🤔

Hey Sammy,

“I’m really interested in finding out whether some people are scared off by mounting evidence of another’s limerence in and of itself, and not by secondary factors such as the wrath of angry spouses or the risk of workplace discovery and ensuing scandal. What if the LO’s position is: “No thanks. This woman is a little bit TOO into me. Not cool.”

I think the answer to this is ‘Yes’ for some people. For instance, when I was young and inexperienced, I remember feeling freaked out if someone showed they were ‘too’ into me. This might even have been someone that I had been interested in, up to that point. The minute they showed that they were really really into it, I cooled off. I always felt bad about that. But it definitely freaked me out. I often also did not have an opportunity to explore it either way as I was a convent girl, with no independence, too young to be allowed out with the opposite sex very often, and so on. Now that I think of it, it also happened me in college a few times when I could have explored it but just avoided the person who liked me until the problem went away. Again, I always felt bad but as I did not reciprocate any longer, I could not handle their strong feelings.

I put this down to inexperience because I feel that I can navigate that now that I am older. If someone shows interest now, its far less likely to freak me out and I can more or less just ignore it without avoiding them or acting strange. It doesn’t happen all that often!

Sammy,
“I mean, can the limerence itself become a big turn-off to the LO? 🙂”
I would think so. It doesn’t even have to be limerence. Let’s say some guy asks you out. You think he’s ok. You’re willing to give it a shot. Your interest is maybe a 4. You go out, he brings you flowers, pays for an expensive meal and calls the next day to ask you out again. His interest interest is an 8 or 9. And your response might be: This guy is too needy. When, really, there’s just a mismatch in interest. And if he continues to pursue you even if you’re a lukewarm with him, he will devalue himself in your eyes. You’ll wondering why he’s continuing the pursuit when you’re not giving much back.
I’m sure it’s the same with limerence. And probably even more so because the limerent’s interest level is off the charts.