PolyBemused,
Thank you for your detailed explanation.
I agree with you that people can love more than one person. What I personally think is that you can’t be “in love” with more than one person. By that I mean the limerent-like, obsessive, addictive, can’t-get-enough-of-you feeling in the beginning of a relationship. That, I believe, is reserved for one person, biologically, for breeding. And while that feeling fades (and everyone over the age of 30 knows that :)), I think it would be difficult to watch one’s SO experience that with someone else. Because that feeling is overwhelming. People sometimes ditch their family and friends for it and then, when they come up for air, realize the damage they’ve done. So I think it would take an SO with a strong sense of self and a strong faith in relationship to not feel unnerved/threatened, etc. if their partner was going through that. I’m not saying it can’t happen. But it would be challenging.
Personally, I don’t look at the duration of a relationship as proof of success. There are an awful lot of traditional, monogamous marriages that people are more resigned to stay in than happy to stay in. That isn’t to say there aren’t happily married, long-term couples. There are. But just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. IMO

I just had a thought: maybe a way that could help people understand is that in a marriage, you promise to love only one person forever and forsake all others. Where as with polyamory, you promise to love that person (it COULD be forever, although to be honest, people in this lifestyle are usually open to the possibility of change) even if you do not forsake all others. Both entail promises of sorts and commitment, just one is a well-known template and the other not.

Lovisa asked the question of how long poly relationships can last, and asked what the longest relationship in my polycule is – right now it is a 16 year old marriage – and they are making their retirement plans for their twilight years together 🙂 Very sweet. The current shortest in our polycule is only a few months – someone recently met someone new, and that too is very sweet to see.

Another thing that you might consider is that many poly relationships are not visible. Because of many of the stigmas and discriminations I mentioned, people tend to keep it under the radar a bit. Most of the poly people I know have some level of secrecy somewhere – some may be open with their friends but not tell their conservative elderly parents that actually, they are more than one. Some don’t tell their minor children yet. So John and Jane who look like they are the classic monogamous couple who lasted three decades – they could have other lovers on the side for years, they could have been swingers, etc. Or they genuinely could be monogamous and have been really happy with that! People generally do not talk about their sex life with others.

Hello Marcia,

Your question is nuanced, and deserves a reply that tackles it fully. I didn’t feel I could quite do it justice in my mega response yesterday.

It is always challenging when something changes, and our SO or other partners falling in love with others is one of those things. If you see that them falling in love with someone else does not mean that they stop loving YOU, and it will not upend your life or threaten the security of your children, it is easier to accept. I notice that many limerents seem to NOT stop loving their SOs even as they are gaga over their LOs – this is very common in polyamory, and that is what we bank on as our relationship structures grow and change – the love in the primary relationship is super strong and partners have confidence in the bond and therefore less threatened by any new bonds forming. If there are uncomfortable feelings, these will hopefully be talked about openly. If there is a an agreement of how to deal with this that pre-exists it is a little easier to talk within the structure of that agreement. Which is why creating an agreement when LO is hanging on the wings tends to not work – there is no pre-existing agreement – they become enmeshed in the outcomes that the limerent hopes for. When you consider that agreements are NEGOTIATED – which means there will be give or take between the partners, not every one gets everything they want, the agreement may not even end up as something that would take account of LO – and this isn’t what the limerent desperately wants, but you need full buy in from your current partner (that is not coerced or them pressured into) so, it compromises the negotiation process, as you can appreciate. Also – often when a couple is at the start of opening their marriage they tend to put in a lot of structural safety nets, and limitations which they only drop (if ever) when they begin to practice polyamory longer, and begin to trust the process and their partner – eg. they may not allow sleep overs for years … or this or that … more seasoned poly couples will have very few rules, but some, while never used, like the power of veto are very real. SO may at any moment say, I don’t want you to see LO ever again, and if that is part of the agreement that they have that power, well, breaking that is breaking the agreement and possibly your relationship. (Note: not all poly agreements have the right of veto)

You could say that the poly agreement helps to insulate against future-shock. We EXPECT our partners to meet new people; we are aware that them falling in love with someone else is a real possibility; we are open to the possibility of change. Which does not mean we don’t have a reaction when it does happen, but there is at least some structure to help us deal with it. It doesn’t guarantee the relationship won’t experience a shock, but it does tend to be less of a surprise and I think more resilient to such occurrences. If one of my partners presents with limerence, I would be concerned if it begins to impact the quality of how they relate to me and the rest of the polycule, but if they continue to be loving towards us, and meet their responsibilities and obligations … I would probably look forward to meeting this wonderful creature who has so enchanted my love. And when it comes to my turn to meet a new person, I get to experience this new relationship energy too. So it is fair is it not?

The problem seems to be when there is cognitive dissonance – when people can’t believe you can love more than one person – and start devaluing their current SO. This is often something that we try our very hardest not to let happen in polyamorous relationships. We treat our current spouse or partner with utter respect, and we give them all the love we have for them. We do not think we have to take away from them, just because we want to give love to someone new. So polyamory MIGHT help with the issue of cognitive dissonance too. We just never believed in the first place that you are wired to love only one.

This is also probably where it is meaningful to mention compersion – this is joy that one feels when one knows that one’s partner is having a wonderful romantic time with someone else. I think you can only truly reach this state if you are absolutely confident in the love you have with your current partner. It comes out of believing that we have this one life and there is a possibility of many wonderful experiences, and we are pleased when someone we love has the opportunity to experience it. It takes nothing from us. It gives everything to them.

I hope this answers your question.

Well explained, thanks.

I wish I could be a polycule, perhaps in my next life…

Oh one other point I needed to mention is that we can be in love with more than one person. Just as a parent can love more than one child, or love a new child without losing love for an existing child.

I should probably also explain compersion, but this is getting too long!

Good questions and not so easy to answer them all, but I will try. The reason why it is not easy is because there are so many “flavors” of polyamory and the answer to any one question will be different depending on your polyamorous practice.

Polyamory where there are many people involved tends not to stay very static – it is less “stable” than a two-partner situation because there are so many people involved – complexity is multiplied. However, the entire structure doesn’t necessarily collapse just because there are a few changes among certain members. Some value seems to be placed on whether something lasts a lifetime: this is a measure that contains a value that is not necessarily something that matters to all people (I am not trying to be rude here, just pointing out that there is an underlying assumption that something that lasts a lifetime is “better” and that it isn’t necessarily something everyone cares about). One thing that often happens is that you can have a very long-term relationship with another person, but what you mean to each other can change over time – so you may be lovers for some years, “just” friends for others, co-parents for some, business associates other times … if lasting a life-time matters to you, it is definitely possible, it just sometimes doesn’t look recognizably like a monogamous set-up.

With polycules (poly families) we can set rules about who, when etc. we are willing and able to admit into the family. This often is done with an eye to keeping the polycule functioning, and more stable and lasting and healthy.

Some polyamorous set-ups are arguably rather “couple-centric” anyway, with a strong hierarchy which prioritizes the primary relationship, and there are other secondary partners (there is some controversy in the poly community over hierarchical set-ups are desirable). Most (but not all) of the relationships you see when people say they are in ENM or CNM relationships are these sorts: CONSENT of the other partner being the key. The primary relationship can, and often does last a “lifetime” same as any average marriage – you could even argue that the secondary relationships are part of what keeps these primary relationships going for as long as they do. Secondary relationships do, in my experience, last less long. My feeling is that this particular flavor of polyamory can outperform normal so-called monogamous marriages in the sense that, considering the high level of cheating that occurs among so-called monogamous relationships, and the 50/50 chance of marriage ending up in divorce, it may be better to not have to cheat on your spouse or partner by getting their consent and having them involved in setting the ground rules that they can accept.

Having said that, I want to be honest to say, polyamorous relationships are NOT without the same or similar challenges that monogamous relationships face, like jealousy, insecurity etc. Of course we can become limerent for or very infatuated with others to the detriment of existing partners (why am I here, after all). It can be challenging to see your spouse or partner in the throes of new relationship energy with a new sweetie, and what it takes is a lot of reassurance and faith in the bond you share (and for your partner to be sensitive about showing they still love you). Sometimes, yes, a partner may want to be with someone else more to the point they wish to fundamentally change the relationship structure and dynamics … but that is a situation that happens in both monogamous marriages and non-monogamous relationships. Sometimes, change is inevitable. Feelings get hurt – in any relationship where you are vulnerable, I think, whether monogamous or non-monogamous. As I said, polyamory is a complicated structure, and there have to be a lot of compelling personal reasons (this is very individual) to want to do it that way – it does not guarantee anything (but neither does monogamy – my first marriage was totally monogamous and faithful for over two decades and it still ended). And to the person who said that polyamory can end with dreadful consequences I want to say, so can monogamous relationships.

Haha, childcare can be easier, yes. But again it depends how open a group is about what they really are. If you do not let children know what is going on among the adults, then really, it is no different from asking a friend to babysit. But if all the adults are involved in raising the children, then yes, everyone gets a night off. Together sometimes.

I am not totally satisfied with how I organized this response of mine, I am sorry if it seems a little disorganized, but I think you get the idea that it is because there are so many ways to “do” poly (there is even solo poly which I won’t get into right now). What it even IS is not fixed … that is probably one of the biggest challenges for polyamorists – there is no model, there are no assumptions, there are no laws in society to support your lifestyle (tax breaks or health insurance? forget it), there is so much misunderstanding, there is discrimination, sometimes there is disapproval, our children can be affected by our choices, we can lose our jobs over how we choose to love. We lose couple privilege especially if we choose to be honest and open. Or if we keep it, we are keeping part of who we are a secret – not from our loved ones but everyone else in society – this can be painful and isolating. You are basically choosing to function outside of mainstream society and people are sometimes even scared of you (as though polyamory is catching) and hostile towards you (that is very sad). This lack of societal support is probably one reason why poly relationships face greater pressure than an average relationship, and it could contribute towards them being less stable. I would caution any limerent who is contemplating polyamory as a way to get access to a LO, that this is not a free pass. Not really. Not at all, actually.

I guess I am not saying if polyamory or monogamy is better or worse – some people are better suited to one or the other. I am just saying I do not think polyamory is the answer to the limerence dilemma.

Nisor,
“There’s no law against falling in love or becoming limerent for someone else besides your SO, whether monogamous, open marriages, or polyamorous. It’s definitely inevitably, bound to happen at some point or another. ”
That wasn’t what I was saying, and I hope that’s not true, or why get married? I think it’s inevitable to develop attractions and maybe little crushes. But falling in love … I hope not. I hope deeper feelings can be nipped in the bud by judicial NC.
I was asking PolyBemused that, if you are going to become polyamorous and the two people in the couple are allowed to have other partners, what is there a difference between becoming polyamorous for a current LO, which PolyBemused advised against, versus becoming polyamorous, in general. Won’t one or both members of the couple become infatuated with/limerent for/fall in love with a second partner down the road? I’m genuinely curious because I don’t understand the distinction.

I second your point of view Marcia.

There’s no law against falling in love or becoming limerent for someone else besides your SO, whether monogamous, open marriages, or polyamorous. It’s definitely inevitably, bound to happen at some point or another. So is the human biological condition. Unavoidable…

@polybemused

Thank you so much for this contribution. I have never experienced polyamory, but the point resonates with me that it isn’t something to be negotiated “after the fact” with an SO and an LO as a way for the limerent to justify their story – it is much more complicated and negotiated than that. Thanks for sharing.

Lol