Mine was, simply described, dismissive avoidant. Not because he really is dismissive avoidant, but because he ‘forgot’ a small detail he was married with 3 children.

During that short time of our ‘relationship’, he fell under the 2,3 and 4. Plus deceptive and ill willed.

The only thing I know for sure is he genuinely liked me and enjoyed my company. Otherwise he would probably opt out after the first week we didn’t end up in bed. Plus some bodily reactions cannot be faked (involuntary reactions, body-language, microexpressions etc, that were different from his general demeanor towards other people (from his baseline).But liking is other than loving. And if you truly love someone, you will never do anything that is damaging for them.

What he left me with, is a state of permanent angry rumination, now 2 years and going. For all the things I never got any chance to say. A book example of everything written above in the article.

I cannot even imagine this is healthy.
I wish I could forget it all and move on. But somehow I cannot, no matter NC. It is nonstop playing in the back of my head, like a broken LP. (I found many parallels in limerence: with OCD, attention deficit, addiction, bipolar, but this particular part is almost like the schizophrene voices always playing in your head).

I wish I was religious. So I could forgive. Not for him, but for myself and my peace of mind. But I don’t know how.

I am not superstitious either, but sometimes it feels like someone has put really really bad spell on me.

The worst are the mornings, when the realty kicks in. You wake up blissfully unaware and then the reality punches you in the stomach, day after day. A bloody ‘Groundhog day’, next level. What does it take for me to learn?

I am by all means not suicidal, but sometimes just I wish to be put into induced coma. For that peace of mind. And not to be awaken till the menace goes away.

Even if it’s not a romance, I start shipping characters. No genre is safe! 😉

Yes, death metal, industrial, nu-metal, goth metal–whatever it takes! 😉

Thanks. I know it but don’t feel it! I know what you mean about music. Indie folk is my weakness. Oh and I watched Bridgerton this week. That’s a risky thing for limerents too. Back to something more like the walking dead for me, I think!

Whoomp

“But it helps me to remember that making contact is selfish as its to fulfill my own needs rather than being of benefit to LO.”

That’s a big step. I think, at least for me, it was a huge turning point in my limerence recovery. (And one keeping me from getting in danger with another LE.) When we realize what we are doing is for our own benefit and satisfaction and not our LOs is important for moving on. Unfortunately there are too many “I’m not over you songs” and I think I need to get into death metal or something. Christ help me music is killing me. But yes, kudos to you Whoomp on recognizing that. You are on your way to healing.

I’m feeling super stressed about deadlines at the moment which is impacting on LE. I seem to be a bit frenzied. I’m losing sleep and constantly thinking about LO. Things have been left on a positive with friendly interaction. But with various personal commitments we won’t be in contact for a while. I’m tempted to message just casually to say I’ve completed my work, which has been years in progress, but I’m also worried about not getting the desired reply and feeling low as a result. I’m also meeting friends soon that are colleagues of LO and so I’m anticipating a bit of a wobble then too when he is mentioned. One of them is a jealousy trigger for me, so I need to practice being blasé and casually change the subject if LO comes up.

The loss of sleep and the rumination/fantasy is currently on overdrive. But it helps me to remember that making contact is selfish as its to fulfill my own needs rather than being of benefit to LO. I have no place disturbing his break and his time because I’m feeling a bit low/insecure.

I wouldn’t be surprised at all of other co-workers being entertained by what they perceive as an office romance. After all there are countless TV shows and movies about office romances between people that might have barriers.

In my case my co-workers just softly joshed me that I had a crush on her. I think in my case, it was more, to them, my business what I did rather than actively discourage or encourage the crush.

But I think that it is a much more difficult task to ascertain if LOs themselves are grooming us limerents for the attention. Because we are already not in the right state of mind with limerence and so our judgement is impaired. And I think attention seeking or even manipulative LOs are hard for limerents to pin down because we are too busy enjoying the reciprocation. And that’s where it gets hazardous.

It only became clear when I got the courage to partially disclose to the coworker that leads the others in behavior. He froze up and backtracked and suddenly I understood he was the one keeping the game going, not LO, because it added excitement and entertainment to our mundane work environment.

My married best friend is having an EA with a similarly aged man and I think she enjoyed having someone to commiserate with. She keeps asking about LO and anytime I mention something upsetting me she assumes it has to do with him even though it’s been months since I have really fallen out from limerence.

I’m not suggesting I’m blameless or without responsibility and accountability in my limerence. I am saying that, at least in this episode, there was a truly impactful external agent this could be an interesting dynamic to explore and discuss. Depends how often others deal with it .

Thank you for the new vocabulary words, and for the well-thought out article.

Having a new Lady Friend in my life now has been wonderful to my psyche, but as I get to know her, I see she definitely has avoidant attachment issues. (Would fall into category #3, with degrees of #4)(I must have a type) I’m not exactly limerent for her though, so maybe none of it matters. At least not yet. I don’t want to be limerent, but I do think I was entertaining the idea of glimmer last week because there was a day in particular she stood out. I felt a strong desire to disclose some feelings but I chose not to. It wouldn’t be right and I’m really just against the whole idea of limerence taking a stronghold on me again.