@Bewitched,

You’re soooo kind, caring and able to feel what I’ve been going through here. Your comforting, inspiring perspective on my dramatic LE “ending”, and a virtue 🫂 are so appreciated here! 🙏

“Firstly, I think that the fact that you ‘hate goodbyes’ is a wonderful quality. “

I hated it since very young (4-6 yrs) probably at a daily basis. I did not want to stay at the weekcare/daycare (missed Dad’s pickup), but at home Mom either neglected or abused me, and I had no sibling to play with (missed other kids at weekcare?). I could not remember now which place I preferred more. I think a “goodbye” from both places must have upset me.

“You may experience the pain when they are enforced on you, and I know that you have said that hating goodbyes is reinforced by your uncured cptsd, “

A enforced goodbye means being “abandoned” to my cptsd dysregulated system. Physical death is the worse, then metaphorical one is no less painful, with one tiny sparkle remaining — the other side is still alive somewhere on earth. One still has 0.1% hope to see or say hi to them, although one may choose not to.

“this is also a wonderful quality because it makes you a lovely friend and partner to have, not avoidant, not fickle, loyal, all the things that make other people stay connected with you.”

I was never avoidant but often dreamt to make substantial friends with people from the world over. Only in romantic relationship or limerence, I’m high anxiety loaded, worried or paranoid that a bf/LO would metaphorically abandon me w/o reasons (like Mom who was never with me, even today). As a result, I usually pulled myself out first before they had a chance to do it.

Last Friday was an example — LO did/do not know that I’ve already bid a goodbye to his back and could/did not say a goodbye to me in person. We just disappeared on each other as the semester just, and forever, ended for both of us, though our social media windows are still open to each other. I will NEVER close it, keep some unknown colors to the evolving life…

“Rewriting history as a better version shows great wisdom. What would be point of doing it the other way and making things more hopeless?”

I agree with you here, but an ability to do so is highly challenging, while staring at the undeniable the dark sides of the reality. It was an ideal version of the parental LO as the Phantom elongated my LE for 6 years. But then the realistic LO’s fishy behavior contradicted the ideal version in such a hurtful, “betraying” way that it’ll take a long time for my mind to dull and eventually kill its pains.

“What we believe to be the narrative is a potentially powerful healer because we can weave it into something that helps us grow, heal and develop more empathy for others. “

Very true!

“There is no objective reality in this context, so we might as well view and believe what has happened in the most benevolent way?”

Agree. The imagination part of my mind is able to do it soon or later; but now the “coffin” is only laid into ground, soil has not be shoveled over it yet. It’s a memorial moment, somber and heavy.

“And you will rise like a phoenix”

Not sure about this, I’m feeling like a melting bird without her wings at the moment, and has no voice to scream… 😶‍🌫️

“You mentioned in one of your posts that you have a big trip to COO planned, so I really hope that provides some space and time fr reflection.”

Yes, to my hometown in COO for a reunion. I’d meet up over 40-60 old classmates, friends, or ex-suitors who all know each other well. We’ll spend 5 days together touring a resort area full of the nature. Then, I’ll travel alone visiting other places to see relatives and old friends.

But in this trip, there is a small change to bump into LO2 😨, while I wish to find LO1 😞 …. I’ve lost their contact for decades…

I enjoy teaching especially in a HE community. A sense of belonging is important to me, and freelance does not provide such a sense.

When you have a chance, let me know what’s happening with your LO/LE and how you’re coping with your dull and grey reality.

Dear Snowphoenix,
It sounds like a dull grey experience, alright. Certainly I sympathise as I am in the same place, more or less, probably not as painful but dull and grey for sure.
I wanted to respond with some things that I think you have going in your favour despite the gloom and ‘blocked energy’. Firstly, I think that the fact that you ‘hate goodbyes’ is a wonderful quality. You may experience the pain when they are enforced on you, and I know that you have said that hating goodbyes is reinforced by your uncured cptsd, but, this is also a wonderful quality because it makes you a lovely friend and partner to have, not avoidant, not fickle, loyal, all the things that make other people stay connected with you.

“Now, LO7 is out of sight, then guess what? LE gets stronger, since there is no more reality check. For me, as time passes, my mind tends to remember only light sides of everything and everyone in the past… some memories could even be “twisted” to their brighter version… the imagination goes wilder without the refraining of reality.”

Rewriting history as a better version shows great wisdom. What would be point of doing it the other way and making things more hopeless? What we believe to be the narrative is a potentially powerful healer because we can weave it into something that helps us grow, heal and develop more empathy for others. There is no objective reality in this context, so we might as well view and believe what has happened in the most benevolent way?

“… After Wednesday’s department farewell lunch, I have to figure out a way to close this episode of my life…”

Good things are impossible to see now while you feel blocked and down and panicky. But, because you said that you do not have anyone to discuss this with, in reality, I want to comfort you virtually, because you might need a virtual hug right now. And you will rise like a phoenix, You mentioned in one of your posts that you have a big trip to COO planned, so I really hope that provides some space and time fr reflection. I also really hope you get excellent new job(s) because you seem to get a lot of reward from your work.

Take good care of yourself, Bx

Grego,

“With a true Stoic mind, one could and should get close to another human heart without getting hurt”
*that never happened for me😥”

Me, neither! I could only be a half of Stoic at most, and I do not want to be a 100% one; I’m not a robot inside…

“Without sincere giving first, how could one experience and obtain possible genuine reciprocation? ”
*their was sincere giving, but no genuine reciprocation 😰”

I enjoy giving first, it’s a pleasure to actively give than passively receiving. I had a couple of genuine reciprocations, the trouble was that my mind got bored once the desire was fulfilled. I know Nietzsche’s words that “It is the desire, not that desired, that we are in love with” apply to me. Why?

Grego,

“With a true Stoic mind, one could and should get close to another human heart without getting hurt”
*that never happened for me😥”

Me, neither! I could only be a half of Stoic at most, and I do not want to be a 100% one; I’m not a robot inside…

“Without sincere giving first, how could one experience and obtain possible genuine reciprocation? ”
*their was sincere giving, but no genuine reciprocation 😰”

I enjoy giving first, it’s a pleasure to actively give than passively receiving. I had a couple of genuine reciprocations, the trouble was that my mind got bored once the desire was fulfilled. I know Nietzsche’s “It is the desire, not that desired, that we are in love with” applied to my idiot mind, why, why?

**Shot into eternity,
Methadone Kitty
Iron Serenity…
Strung out committee”

Mere writing down one’s desperation or despair would lesson their intensity….

So just shot into eternity…

Hi Bewitched,

I can’t believe that I just saw your posts of 6 days ago! I missed several posts in this thread, must be subconsciously thought the topic has little to do with me…

“How are you doing, my dear, alright, I hope?”

Going through shades of moods each day, mostly dark. A meditation is must meals each day, which helps dissipate both mental“pains” and physical stuck energy; but each session’s effect does not last long as before, it is so true that emotions and thoughts “control”/affect mind and thus body…

“Your last few comments have been ever-so-slightly-perkier than they were over the past month, as everything came to a stop with LO7. “

Last week, it did feel like the world was spinning to its end, I almost felt choking, heart flutter, constantly at the verge of panic attack. I did not binge on anything, but watched my mind closely…the trouble is that I do not have tears and I am unable to shout… This week “the storm” has calmed down a little bit; I know nothing I can do to alter the reality — the “death”!

“I have been thinking about you a lot and I hope that you are mending that beautiful vase of yours, with all its cracks and bruises. “

Two major cracks in the vase — losing the sight of LO and job at the same time! Although I knew 9 months ago and tried so hard to mentally prepare for it, it’s still futile! When emptying out my office and seeing others moving out of theirs, my mind shattered…— I hate/fear the sight of an empty space. The scene was just like I had dreamed last December, so sad and haunting… After Wednesday’s department farewell lunch, I have to figure out a way to close this episode of my life…

Now, LO7 is out of sight, then guess what? LE gets stronger, since there is no more reality check. For me, as time passes, my mind tends to remember only light sides of everything and everyone in the past… some memories could even be “twisted” to their brighter version… the imagination goes wilder without the refraining of reality.

“The bruises are valuable, in a way. I know that it must be so tough but you are a strong one.”

Or dear, it’s not just bruises, it’s “bleeding” — I could frequently feel my lips trembling, body on fire whenever I could not help recall the misfortunate of the one-way goodbye last week 😢…. I want to punch/break something, but I can’t; I want to scream, but could not. (A little girl student asked me whether I smoke — not in my entire life, because it sounded hoarse)

I do not know how strong I am, but I don’t like to and cannot complain to anyone else in reality… so now the sun only shines briefly after my mediation; otherwise, the sky were just “cloudy”…

Thank you for your caring, Bewitched! 🫂

@Imho,

“Your posts are always extremely honest, open and authentic.”

Not trying to move any mountains with my posts. Just trying to keep things 💯.

Thank you for your honesty.

@MJ.

“I love that line I refer to from “American Beauty”. ”

The line you used from “American Beauty” is **cough, cough** a real beauty. 🙂

When I was younger, for some reason, possibly upbringing, I thought it was wrong for myself or other people to “complain” – however mildly and however humorously – when they wanted attention/recognition from others. In Australia, I think it’s called “whinging” and it’s a national pastime. However, now I’m older, I realise people often won’t get any attention unless they speak up.

If there’s any group of people that need to learn to be more assertive during social interactions in general, it’s probably limerents.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease! 😆

LE,
“LO #4 knew more about LO #2 than my wife does. ”
Ouch.
“At the time, I thought that my wife was in a fragile place in her recovery and telling her then was risky.”
When you disclosed, did you tell her why you waited to tell her? I can’t speak for your wife, but I might have been upset that you made that decision for me.
“The EAP counselor said, “Stay involved with this woman and this will not end well for you.””
I don’t know if I agree with that. If you read most of the posts on this site, most LEs do not result in a full-blown EAs (the limerent usually wants more but the LO isn’t reciprocating fully), let alone PAs, let alone anyone leaving their SO. Not that limerence doesn’t cause harm.

Okay, this story made my jaw drop….It sounds like a romcom. I suppose if you were totally in love with the fiance, you never would’ve broken things off and married somebody else two days before the wedding!

I never discussed my marriage with LO #4 and until her relationship collapsed, she never discussed it with me.

LO #4 is a PsyD. Over time, we discussed a lot of things. Things weren’t going well at home and I was rethinking a lot of my decisions in life. LO #4 knew more about LO #2 than my wife does. When my son was going through anxiety and depression, LO #4 was my go to second opinion.

I could tell by reading between the lines that her relationship was having problems. I gave her support and encouragement 2500 miles away that she should have been getting from her BF. When her relationship collapsed, part of me said, “You called that one.”

When she reached out to me, she wasn’t the first woman who’d done that, she was the third. I read her email and thought, “Oh, f–k! I don’t need this.”

But, my inner 5yr old blew past the rational adult and said, “Get outta my way! I got this!” I was in the EAP counselor’s as soon as I could get an appointment. I knew that I needed someone who knew what they were doing to help me from doing something really stupid.

The solution was simple and obvious: get away from LO #4 and stay away from her. The EAP counselor said, “Stay involved with this woman and this will not end well for you.”

It proved harder than I expected but we got there.

I waited 3 years from the time that LO #4 and I said goodbye to disclose the LE/EA to my wife. At the time, I thought that my wife was in a fragile place in her recovery and telling her then was risky.

3 years later, we were in a better place and I wasn’t leaking LO #4 for 3 years. I felt safe in clearing the minefield so I disclosed. That was over 5 years ago.
It’s been 8 years since LO #4 and I said goodbye and over 2 years since I did a social media drive by.

The most uncomfortable part of that discussion, which we’ve gone over before, was when the first question my wife asked was, “Did you love her?”

At this point, all I can say is that it seemed really important at the time.

Hi MJ, I remember your 1st posts. I don’t think I commented much, but I was rather judgemental on reading them tbh. I think as we get older we do make judgements and decide our opinions quicker. Just want to say thank you for teaching me to be less judgemental of first impressions and being more forgiving. Your posts are always extremely honest, open and authentic. I know things aren’t perfect but you have been doing small steps in the right direction. Best wishes