But, through my own internal work and compass, I had to confront it for what it was: Grief that the “hope” was now gone. Like, the last vestiges of “maybe someday” were no more.

So I’m continuing therapy and acknowledging that LE is a real thing (not just a supposition based on my own observations and experience), which is validating in itself. It’s also as powerful as any drug. But it’s also part of what makes us human. And grief over its loss is – at least I would argue – the same as someone passing away.

Thus, the work continues. For what it’s worth, I have gone through long periods of what felt like resolution. But every once in a while, you need a reset to remind yourself that it’s okay.

So, thank you and good luck to you, as well. 🙂

I commend you on focusing on being a parent and building your career. That’s courageous. I hope now you can purge LO from your life and move on to whatever good things are next. I lost hope in LO about maybe 6 months back and have shifted focus to moving on also.

Thank you for your comment. It’s more the latter. Motherhood was important, as was my career and I just decided that until my son was grown, I wasn’t really interested in the enormous amount of work it would have taken to meet someone; get to know them; figure out whether it would work; and then the whole blended family thing.

Those were honest calculations. “Do I really want to deal with marriage and blended families when I’ve got a kid and a thriving career?” Hmm. Not really.

Thus, he was kind of a placeholder, if you will, with the tiny flame of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’d come to “his senses,” right? The hope of someday reconnecting is a powerful anesthetic to whatever you’re feeling or going through. As Dr. L writes about, hope (and uncertainty) are a kind of jet fuel for limerence. So the hope was definitely there – but intuitively I knew it was also projection.

Because let’s face it: Hope is easy. Fantasizing about that emotional connection is how we’re socialized. In reality, though, relationships are hard. That’s the work I’m doing on myself.

Thanks for sharing your story, Lily. I’m curious, you don’t mention ever getting married or having a long term partner in all those years. Is that because of hope of your LO and you couldn’t move on, or because you focused on being a mom and building a career and just never met the right other person?

Most of the those years, even after he got divorced and then his ex passed away (I was a single mother with a young son), I just got on with my life thinking that it was all in my head, so I might as well put all that energy and passion that I had for him into building an amazing career, which I did. In part, it was because I had ambitions. But really, it was the only way I could think of to get my mind off of what I thought was the love of my life.

Our limerence came with numerous fits starts and an inability to communicate beyond the random text and vague promises of “visiting” one another, which never seemed to happen. Let’s be honest: He was busy dating other people. I knew this, so I steered clear and kept working.

Then, two years ago, he came roaring back with “I love you, I’ve always loved you, I’ve loved you since the day we met. Let’s get together. Let’s see where this goes. Let’s hang out,” and on and on. Like, it was a ton of bricks that came out of nowhere.

It was a staggering shift. And, if I’m being honest, it made me very skeptical. Like, it’s been 20 years. Why now? What happened? Where have you been? And why all the sudden are you making all these pronouncements and pushing to get together after dangling carrots and random text messages and not showing any interest for years?

Yeah. It didn’t seem real. BUT, out of curiosity (I know. I KNOW.) I met up with him.

Here I can say that I went in with my eyes open. Because I knew how I felt, but I was interested to see what was on the other side. We spent a nice weekend together, but in my heart of hearts, something just felt off. I can’t explain it. But I just knew that it was going to be the last time I ever saw him.

And it was. I was able to really observe in real time his behaviors, actions and words and I broke it off because I couldn’t get past the nagging feeling that *something had happened to him* (eg, a breakup, or some other life event) that caused him to come running out of the blue and push hard for a connection.

I broke it off shortly thereafter because he could not communicate effectively and fully expected that after 20 years that we were just going to pick up where we left off and pretend that two decades hadn’t come between us with virtually no effort from him whatsoever.

Moreover, when we first met, he was definitely ahead of me career-wise. Now, I had grown both emotionally (through lots of therapy), financially and was being published in national publications. He, on the other hand, had languished. Thus, talking with him about my life and career became difficult because we had nothing in common… but our limerence.

After that, I started working on was my own thoughts and intuitions about this situation and why it had such a pull on my emotions. I had thought for years that it had something to do with neural pathways, that somehow my attraction for him had been hardwired into my brain by habitual thinking and that *longing.*

I began to realize that there were two factors at work: Longing became the default; and projection.

I didn’t have a name for it. Nor were there very many resources to lean on in trying to really move beyond those intransigent feelings for him – even after I broke it off. That was hard. Because I knew I did the right thing after all those years, filled with false starts and a vague sense of apathy.

So this site, in many ways, is a godsend. Primarily because of its nonjudgmental science-based, common sense approach in putting in the work and accepting responsibility for one’s own life.

I don’t wish him any ill. And he’s not “the problem.” This was both our doings. But I am committed to once and for all moving on and I just want to offer my thanks to Dr. L for giving this subject the nuance and care needed for those of us who truly want to move out from under the shadow of limerence.

@LE,

That is so fun to know a man who knows his “color season”. Your LO#2 was a fascinating person hearing your stories… I also appreciate all the 1983 references as that is my birth year 🥳

I have struggled with styles over the years because I like classic looks, not usually trendy looks. If nothing else, at least I know what colors to buy for all those comfy scrubs I get to wear 🙂

LN,

LO #2 (also a nurse) worked in men’s department of a major department store in college. She had outstanding taste in men’s clothes.

When we started dating in 1983, she came over one morning and went through my closet with a garbage bag. Seriously. Then, she took me shopping. She picked out everything. I paid for it. I still have two camel hair sport coats I bought on that trip. I can’t fit into them anymore but my son can.

When she was done, I had a completely new wardrobe. I was a “Sharp Dressed Man” – ZZ Top (1983) https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=7wRHBLwpASw&t=1s

Part of the transformation was getting my colors done. I think I still have the book lying around somewhere. It’s like the palette book you get at the paint store.

I am a Winter.

@IMHO

A couple of years ago I looked into what color “season” I was because I wasn’t sure what colors enhanced my natural coloring…. so when you mentioned “wear what you love” I also like to wear what colors look best on me. There’s a free site called colorwise.me where you put in your pic and it helps you analyze what color palette works best with your natural coloring 😉

My palette is a called “soft summer” and I love that I not only love the colors, but that they enhance my natural coloring. Maybe that’s why I shine! 🌟

Thanks Nisor, appreciate it!

Thanks Frederico!