Hi Emma,

I understand what you are going through. This was the hallmark of all my relationships with men — have strong feelings for a couple years, then not have them anymore, and therefore leave them. The cycle was always the same. It wasn’t them; it was me.

I have had to learn to try this new reality of being married to someone for many other reasons other than the feelings: to keep my vows to God and my husband, for our children, and even in a way for myself. I have had to learn how to love and appreciate my spouse on a different level, and accept it as more of a stable, long-term companionate love where we both try to meet each other’s needs as best as we can. It’s not exciting — but it is life for me. And I choose to be thankful for it rather than wish it was always something else. 🌟

I wish I could tell you that I had an answer for your conundrum, but I don’t.

A phrase that keeps coming back to me from Matthew Perry’s memoir is that someone once told is that “reality is an acquired taste.” For me, in the case of limerence, I am trying to acquire a taste of reality that does not require/desire limerence any longer to fulfill these needs.

Emma, I hope you find what works for you. We are here for you if you need a listening ear 💙

All I know is that without infatuation/limerence feelings I am not capable of feeling anything like romantic love towards anybody. I do not blame my partner for this. It is not his fault. If I knew how to work on this issue in our relationship so that this problem would go away honestly I would. But I don’t know how (not even after having sought psychotherapy help or counselling help in the past). Without those sorts of feelings towards him, it just feels like we live together as platonic best friends/house sharing friends pretty much. I do understand that going off with somebody else just because I had temporary stronger limerent feelings towards them would solve nothing – as ultimately they would eventually fade towards that other person too. But I also don’t know what else I can do to change this. 🙁

There are many women in the world, how many do you know personally?

Generalization makes one ignorant and stupid!

Sometime ago I found out that I am a L. O. for the other person and it felt like gross. For real I started to think about what thoughts of me he has. And if those thoughts are the same as my thoughts about my L.O. it’s really gross and weird because I never gave a permission to think of me like that. I actually never wanted to be a part of life of this person and we are not even friends or something like that, and he is making me a part of his life while I never agreed.

And after that I thought “but still it’s nothing like a situation with me and my L.O.”. Yes ofc we have like ten thousands volumes of books of the meaningfull eye contacts,
hints, “accidental” touches, EX-past, unacceptable kiss-episodes and unacceptable something-more-than-a-kiss-episodes etc etc. I HAVE a permisson to think like that because its mutual, because we have such a big past and so on.

And then I understood that there is no legitimate reasons to think this is mutual. Sometimes it was, but how can I know for sure if it’s always mutual. So there is a potential possibility that I am making my L. O. a part of my life with my thoughts but WITHOUT a permission, and it’s gross.

Some time ago we talked about movies in real life, and after that i imagined the scene where he asked me what movie is about us. In this imaginary dialogue I answered “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” but then my imaginary version sadly corrected herself “I woud like to answer “Eternal Sunshine” or “Lalalend” but we are in “500 days of Summer” where I’m not Summer and it’s 9 years”. I started to think about the difference between those movies and I determined those with 3 scenarios: 1) people are in love and always come back; 2) people were in love and never come back; 3) one person is in love and always try to come back. So this question is only about how he feels about me.
And at this moment I found out that in my limerent case there is no difference in what movie we are, because this would be gross in every scenario BECAUSE OF ME. Because im weak and pathetic and the only movie-scenario that is possible whith my participation is some of psychological thrillers where an obsessive and strange character interferes with the life of another. There is no difference how he feels about me, because my limerent case is so gross that even if he loves me, he wouldn’t want to find out about what was happening in my head for such a long time. I’ve been feeding my imagination with this person since I was 16, and for 9 years I’ve been damaging myself, losing my identity, hurting people who love me and whom i actually love. I have to fight with the limerence not because there is no chance to date this person. Maybe there always were chances, but it doesn’t matter because it was never about him. The limerence story is not about mutuality, it is about you, your identity and the quality of your life. If all the identity you have is to be limerent of someone – you are pathetic. And if you don’t want to be pathetic – then stop it. Improve yourself and find out who you really are. Give this time to a REAL LIFE.

I agree with you, she needs to quit the job if she really means it. Also, I find this particular truth bomb an important point for my own reflection as a midlife limerent who kinda loves being in an LE and fantasising about my LO and if being honest I like that the LO is ‘mine’ to keep:
“inwardly doing little more than weakly resisting, and secretly wanting to give in.”

Some very good observations there. You understand the ramifications limerence has on marriages and the unfairness to SO’s.

While I am not happy to be middle aged and divorced, I become all the more grateful I am not married anymore.

Because I really think, when my LE came out of nowhere and hit me like a Mack Truck, had I still been married, it would have been like the final nail in the coffin for my marriage. Sad but true..

“The resolution … lies in reaching some serious, sincere, and probably painful decisions about who she wants to be and what sort of life she wants to live.”

True and true.

I found in all this, that one has to be very clear about the difference between what you THINK you should want, and what you actually WANT. There’s a lot of cognitive dissonance to overcome, especially if your self-concept is strongly tied to whatever it is you THINK you should want. For example, due to cultural conditioning, religion, personal morals, romantic ideals, etc. some may believe that they SHOULD want to be a loyal, faithful spouse, and that is why they SHOULD give up LO. But they don’t really WANT to.

Sometimes, the thing that you actually want is PERIPHERAL: eg. don’t want to break up family for children’s sake, don’t want to hurt SO, don’t want the societal shame, don’t want to be the one to give up, etc. That is NOT the same as wanting to be with SO. That is NOT the same as not wanting LO. That means that if all those peripheral barriers go away, you are left with what you ACTUALLY want.

Therefore, one needs to ask themselves the question: what do you want MORE? You cannot have your cake and eat it too (unless you have an affair like Clara, and Dr L is right, there is hurt all round in that – my personal litmus test of whether to do something or not).

In my own case, the peripheral wants override – no way am I hurting my kids and SO with some sordid affair. At least that was clear. However, I also had to face the truth that I did not want my SO. And I wanted LO. Wanting LO is one thing; it was HAVING LO that would hurt my family. So, I knew I would never “have” LO – I wouldn’t be the person I thought I was if I ever did that to my loved ones. So, that was clear as well. I could not control the want (not directly, anyway, though I was trying to deprogram) but what I did or did not do about it was within my control and on me. Okay, clear on where the responsibility lies, too. Then finally, dealing with not wanting SO. That was a hard, and bitter conclusion to come to, and no less painful, but ultimately, I think that was why I fell into limerence for another in the first place. I no longer wanted to be in my marriage. For itself, not for peripheral reasons either. I had to square that fact on balance with the “do not want to hurt loved ones”.

There is one other issue: I did not want to hurt ME. In all the balancing, I needed to think about this one life I had, and what I really wanted to with it, and the cost of being inauthentic.

The type of pain from dissolving a family is tremendous. I’ve gone through it, and it is painful. But, if done honestly, and without betrayal, it is clean, and it handled right, the pain to children can be mitigated (depends on individual circumstance, of course). Some pain to SO cannot be avoided. But while I knew the pain of betrayal if I were unfaithful would devastate my SO and fester and cause things like anger, resentment, hatred, pain, shame, and affect their self-worth, I could hope that a break-up without betrayal is something from which we could recover from enough to salvage something good for the kids at least. I also did think that my SO deserved someone who was crazy about them and actually wanted to be with them. My SO did not deserve betrayal, but did not deserve a spouse who didn’t want to be with them either, and what SO does deserve is a chance too, at love.

So here I am. I don’t want SO. And I’ve discovered I don’t really want LO either (and I could have had them once I was free, I think, but it didn’t feel right, they were so deeply emotionally implicated in my decision, it felt … ambiguous, and I think could still hurt my ex-SO who was probably somewhat aware of my feelings for LO). LO doesn’t fit in my life as I envision it now. No longer an escape hatch from my marriage, therefore the urgency has faded. Life is funny like that.

Hello Deirdre. All of what you said resonates with me. We get stuck in the loop of highs and lows, as we look to LO for validation. I’ve experienced that whenever there is a high, a low is just around the corner. NC definitely helps put one’s mind towards other stuff and to flatten the highs and lows. You are also so right about wanting to live the fantasy life. All the best to you.

For me, speaking with a counsellor has been invaluable. She helped me feel my feelings and face my true life goals over and over, and in a way I had not been able to by myself.

Also, when the feelings for my LO are too strong and I feel like I’m going to die if I don’t see him, I journal and journal and journal. That helps me get through the day. One day at a time.

Finally, I read an article about ending affairs that recommended making a list of 100 reasons why the affair is not good for me and re reading it regularly. That helps too.

None of it is easy. It’s a long, long slog through sadness and yearning and wishing for that second fantasy life, but I am 6 weeks in to no contact and my heart has stopped aching most of the time, I’m finding joy in things I’d lost interest in, and I have hope.

Marriage counselling and spending time with my spouse is also helping me see what I have and that I don’t want to lose it.

I wish for Clara, and all limerence sufferers, the strength and patience and hope needed to live their real lives with the people who love them and leave the fantasy behind to die.