Dr L.

Either a woman fulfills a motherly, authoritative role to me. Or she’s young enough that I feel a fatherly role towards her as if she was my actual daughter. And than the woman that needs to be saved. I don’t see these as any sexual or romantic roles. Just how I react to a woman that comes into my life. ExLO was the damsel in distress and her daughter was the daughter I never had. One of my other female co-workers was a very assertive woman. When she needed me to get something done on the job she was not afraid to tell me and accept no excuses. An authoritative role.

Momma is a little bit of all three. She is/was the authority figure in the house with the boys. Like my mother was. I protect her like I would my daughter. And I try to rescue her from the world out there.

I’m a dying breed of man I think.

@Marcia.

“I don’t have enough time left on this planet to read all of Sammy’s comments. 🙂”

That’s completely understandable, Marcia. Anyone who has the time to read all my comments, let alone has time to decipher their meaning, has my deepest … commiserations. 😊

You know, you’re right – something life really is too short!! But there’s no love lost. I still think you’re a cool lady. 😜

Snow,
“If I am not interested in or attracted enough by a guy, I don’t see why I care about his offer or not. ”
Hey … a fan is a fan. Just enjoy the compliment. 🙂

I agree with you here! But many single guys seem to have big appetite to dangling with several women at the same time.”
I wasn’t talking about dangling a bunch of women. I meant that if he prefers younger women but is putting women his own age in the second options category to date only if the younger ones aren’t interested … I would kindly ask him to remove me from the options list. 🙂
Dangling a bunch of women is a separate issue. I can’t really take issue with that unless he’s said we are exclusive and in a relationship.

“It still depends on what one wants to get out of a limerence.”
For me, it was some kind sexual/romantic/emotional soul merging. 🙂 Yes, I can hear myself. 🙂

” The stronger desire, the more painful in one’s mind. I’ve got some of my desired makeup parenting from this long-winded LE, and resisted the pair-bonding urge, so I came almost out of my limerence without much regret.”
I’m sorry. I keep forgetting what you wanted out of your LE. You may be one of the few posters on here who wanted a more parental relationship from their LOs. Of course, the men I become limerent for were directly related to the relationship with my parents. One cannot separate limerence from one’s upbringing (in most cases).

” I rarely desired (no knowledge of it) “hedonistically luscious” lifestyle; COO did not allow it.”
I meant on a very basic level. Like eating chocolate all day long, despite how delicious it is, is not a healthy choice.

“the idiot hormone tends to make women feeling bonded/attached to the guy, unless she changes men very frequently”
I agree. The only way I didn’t attach is if it was just for a night or two (and not an LO) or if I didn’t really like the guy or wasn’t attracted to him. And then … why bother?

“After the vague Glimmer, LO#7 completely “squeezed” LO#5 out of my mind in about 4 months.”
I’ve never had that happen. Had an LO or a former LO still in my life when I met another LO. I would meet a new LO when the former LO was completely out of my life. And I was usually over the previous LO. Only once did I experience transference from one LO to another LO.

“A couple of months? I could hardly keep a date for a couple of hours, if I didn’t feel a quarter of glimmer. ”
You’d have to be interested in the person.

“But without it, one is simply not motivated to do anything with a guy. We both tried to cultivated “chemistry” with some compatible guys, but it did not work!”
I think you have to have SOME chemistry. I keep writing that. I just don’t think that it has to be a blazing inferno to start out with. And it might be better if it’s not. You can actually see the person more clearly. It’s a theory. I haven’t tried it out yet. 😉 But the people I glimmer for are bad choices.

“One of my oddities lies on that I rarely acted under any peer pressure, ever since my weekcare…. A lot of times, I actually rebelled against peer pressures; I instinctively just flew 🐦 a bit outside an edge of a flock. I did/do not know what my gut was made of (even at 5 or 6 yrs)??”
I was the same way. I’ve always wanted to do my own thing and join in with the group only when I chose to. I still do, but they won’t let you do that at work! 🙁

“Yes, workable, solid, lasting (I hate short term of anything) romance takes both sides’ efforts”
I meant that it’s unlikely the guy will just fall into your lap and show up at your door, particularly the older you get. It’s harder to meet people organically. You have to get out and join things, be social, etc., if you don’t do the online stuff.

” Now I am pretty much sure that he has a bf/gf.”
NOOOO! How do you know? Did you check the other bathroom cabinent? 🙂

“Thank you for your sincere wishes for today’s interview by over 25 HS students and 4 or 5 teachers! My legs and voice will shake usually 3 minutes before getting on the stage, but once I open my shy mouth, it should be okay. I’m excitable by my own voice …🎤”
Goodness! That sounds challenging! How did it go?

Nisor, Marcia,

Thank you for your sincere wishes for today’s interview by over 25 HS students and 4 or 5 teachers! My legs and voice will shake usually 3 minutes before getting on the stage, but once I open my shy mouth, it should be okay. I’m excitable by my own voice …🎤

Slept less than 4 hours, I had a terrible nightmare — a real doomsday approached, with two rounds of sweeping fires and then tsunami scorching every inch of the earth… But I, and I think a few of you here, survived by hiding behind some rocks and gigantic shells… and then some boats…. Oh well, that’s my unconscious….👻

Hi Snow, this is a long thread, didn’t know where to type my sms.

Anyway, just wanted to wish you good luck with your demo- lesson exam today. Hope you handled it perfectly Keep us posted.

A good day to you. Hugs

Snow,
“I have the demo lesson tomorrow morning in that tough HS I zoom- interviewed; I intend to treat the tough classroom as a “Hamlet’s stage” — to say this or not to say that… 😄”
I’ll write more later in response to the rest of your post, but good luck tomorrow!!

Errors: it should be: a Stoic mind, an elastic heart, and a sponge-like stomach.

Marcia,

“I’d be happy with any and all offers at this point. I’d probably not take most of them, but it’s still nice to get the offers.”

If I am not interested in or attracted enough by a guy, I don’t see why I care about his offer or not. I cared 0% about (sometimes even felt repulsed by) their “approval,” compliments, or “validation”, unless he was a LO!

“I meant the guys my age who would prefer younger women. They should date those women and not chat me up as a secondary option.”

I agree with you here! But many single guys seem to have big appetite to dangling with several women at the same time. With so many dating apps around, It’s rare to meet a single guy who only sees one woman. They “legitimately” dates tons simultaneously.

“But I think you can easily tell when someone is just after you physically. They make a lot of sexual comments, they aren’t asking questions and trying to get to know you, they’re pushing for physcial contact right away. Just cut those guys off.”

Trust me, I could spot them a mile away; I would not even go to one date with them, waste my time.

“The beginning of limerence can be exquisite. But of course it’s bad in the long run and very painful. Like eating too much crappy food. “

It still depends on what one wants to get out of a limerence. If limerent’s expectation is low, one would be hurt less. The stronger desire, the more painful in one’s mind. I’ve got some of my desired makeup parenting from this long-winded LE, and resisted the pair-bonding urge, so I came almost out of my limerence without much regret.

“Anything “healthy” is not as hedonistically luscious. And who wants to learn that lesson? “

One has to, whether like it or not, to learn such a lesson. My “harsh” childhood was a blessing in disguise, because I rarely desired (no knowledge of it) “hedonistically luscious” lifestyle; COO did not allow it.

“I don’t have enough time left on this planet to read all of Sammy’s comments.“

😳 Poor, poor Sammy! 😂

“I always thought a woman could have casual sex successfully and not get attached to the person if she also had a long-term partner who really cared about her. “

I still imagined a woman could, but I think what possibly prevents a woman (monogamous type) from free-spirited, amorous behaviors is that oxytocin— the idiot hormone tends to make women feeling bonded/attached to the guy, unless she changes men very frequently or is a polycule.

“In my FWB situation, he was an LO. I didn’t want anybody else.”

Yes, one can’t have FWB with LO, except when the LE is over with the said LO, like in my LE#5 — it hurt so much inside to have FWB with LO#5; but that pain completely disappeared and I enjoyed so much more of a better FWB with LO#5, during which LO #7 has been in the picture for a while. After the vague Glimmer, LO#7 completely “squeezed” LO#5 out of my mind in about 4 months.

“Seven years!? I’d have given up. “

I have been a very impractical person since young, independently focused a way too much on mental, emotional, and spiritual sides of matters.

“I meant waitng a couple of months. But that’s after a couple of months of actual dating. Time spent together, getting to know each other, calls, texts, etc. You’ve discussed what you both want from the situation and are on the same page.”

A couple of months? I could hardly keep a date for a couple of hours, if I didn’t feel a quarter of glimmer. I’d rather “date” my erotic literature alone at home than putting up with an unattractive guy…. Most attractive ones are already taken.

“Chemistry is a powerful thing, but I have come to learn it doesn’t necessarily indicate it’s someone I should spend more time with. It’s just really strong attraction. Nothing more. I don’t need to upend my life chasing it.”

I agree with you that a Glimmer may or may NOT lead one anywhere. But without it, one is simply not motivated to do anything with a guy. We both tried to cultivated “chemistry” with some compatible guys, but it did not work!

“I’m not sure what you mean by “plan.” I’ve never planned to glimmer or I would have planned to glimmer for better people and not such dodgy ones.”

I misunderstood your original sentence.

“This I think is true. Some people get married because they look around at a certain age and see all of their peers are.”

One of my oddities lies on that I rarely acted under any peer pressure, ever since my weekcare…. A lot of times, I actually rebelled against peer pressures; I instinctively just flew 🐦 a bit outside an edge of a flock. I did/do not know what my gut was made of (even at 5 or 6 yrs)??

“Therefore, to hold a pessimistic view (Stoic) on romance might be healthy — preparing for not ever getting a satisfied mate, but open to all possibilities and make one’s best efforts! ”
“That’s probably not a bad attitude, but I think romance is like anything in life — you have to make the effort. It’s not going to fall into your lap.”

Yes, workable, solid, lasting (I hate short term of anything) romance takes both sides’ efforts with a sponge-like mind, an elastic heart, and a Stoic stomach. Stoics may hold a “pessimistic view” in life, but they are NOT passive at all in making their own life less affected by eternal, uncontrollable forces and more fulfilling with their individualistic purposes that most likely do not involve hurting others. Of course, how to define a “hurt” is another matter….

Tutored Romeo this evening, gosh, he’s such a fast learner! I joked, “you can study so well on your own, what do you need me for?” He just sweetly smiled. Now I am pretty much sure that he has a bf/gf.

I have the demo lesson tomorrow morning in that tough HS I zoom- interviewed; I intend to treat the tough classroom as a “Hamlet’s stage” — to say this or not to say that… 😄

Snow,

“I think I’ll still miss “the offers” mainly from qualified “LO material”, not ordinary folks. ”
I’d be happy with any and all offers at this point. I’d probably not take most of them, but it’s still nice to get the offers.

“If you can’t comprehend the “safety” I’ve been talking about, then you’ve never experienced one type of trauma that I unfortunately did…. Sorry Sis, I can’t and won’t disclose here.”
Ah, ok. I’m sorry you had to go through that, if I’m interpreting you correctly. I had a friend who experienced that as well. She always looked for guys she really trusted. Makes perfect sense.

“I didn’t/don’t want to be the second choice, either. That’s why I tried to stay away from guys who only pursued women after their appearance and ignore who she’s as a whole person. But biologically they (and we) are driven to do so.”
I meant the guys my age who would prefer younger women. They should date those women and not chat me up as a secondary option.
But I think you can easily tell when someone is just after you physically. They make a lot of sexual comments, they aren’t asking questions and trying to get to know you, they’re pushing for physcial contact right away. Just cut those guys off.

“Once, an analysis is done, it becomes harder to emotionally, blindly follow Unconscious’ lead.”
And that’s good. It’s not as much fun but it’s healthier and in the long run will be better for you. That’s what I meant about learning about yourself. The beginning of limerence can be exquisite. But of course it’s bad in the long run and very painful. Like eating too much crappy food. Anything “healthy” is not as hedonistically luscious. And who wants to learn that lesson? 🙂

“I suggest you read Sammy’s original commentaries and Mila’s replies in this blog about Beaver’s book “the Second Sex”.”
I don’t have enough time left on this planet to read all of Sammy’s comments. 🙂

“Based on Crappy Childhood Faire, it’s wise not to stay in any FWB, unless you have other lovers or bf simultaneously.”
That’s funny. I always thought a woman could have casual sex successfully and not get attached to the person if she also had a long-term partner who really cared about her. In my FWB situation, he was an LO. I didn’t want anybody else.

“I almost never had concerns about my sexual appeal”
I didn’t have concerns about my sexual appeal, but I also didn’t think every man was into me. So if he didn’t make some kind of move pretty quickly, I thought he wasn’t interested or with someone else. And if I myself wasn’t trying to move things forward, I was probably ok with it. I thought of him as a friend, too.

“Yes. Certainly. With LO#7, no fingers were ever touched for 7 years, is that slow enough?”
Seven years!? I’d have given up. 🙂 I meant waitng a couple of months. But that’s after a couple of months of actual dating. Time spent together, getting to know each other, calls, texts, etc. You’ve discussed what you both want from the situation and are on the same page.

” 🤔 (4 years of which I was dealing with undiagnosed lymphoma and the related health issues)”
Yeah, at that point you probably needed a supportive friend. Not someone trying to have a PA.

” No wonder the word “chemistry” is used in the situation of “first sight”; one just cannot ignore the neuroscience of a human body.”
Chemistry is a powerful thing, but I have come to learn it doesn’t necessarily indicate it’s someone I should spend more time with. It’s just really strong attraction. Nothing more. I don’t need to upend my life chasing it.

“You can plan on glimmer”
I’m not sure what you mean by “plan.” I’ve never planned to glimmer or I would have planned to glimmer for better people and not such dodgy ones.

“Perhaps. I love glimmer, of course; but don’t want it to lead my view skewed into fantasy again, blinding me from seeing what is reality in any new relational dynamic.”
Exactly.

You know, really? I met a lot of f*..g* liars from the apps —from lying about their coupled status, wife/finance/gfs to their age and appearance…. and they would say whatever they thought I’d like to hear, matching my “quirks” in online conversations…. I heard that there are 30% hoax in dating apps.”
I can think of 3 friends who did the online dating. One met good guys through it; one did not and hated it; one seems to meet a lot of guys who start something (lots of communication, sometimes a date or two) but a relationship never really takes off.

“I could not help get a sense that so many people considering dating or getting a pair-bonding mate an achievable TASK, something needs to be done/completed as quickly as possible, or by certain age”
This I think is true. Some people get married because they look around at a certain age and see all of their peers are.

“Therefore, to hold a pessimistic view (Stoic) on romance might be healthy — preparing for not ever getting a satisfied mate, but open to all possibilities and make one’s best efforts! ”
That’s probably not a bad attitude, but I think romance is like anything in life — you have to make the effort. It’s not going to fall into your lap.

“Meanwhile, I’ll be engaged in things I’m interested or passionate to do, e.g. dialoguing and discussing with you and other interesting ghosts, tutoring good-looking Romeo, cute kids, and talented musical director, learning how to hit a piano musically….”
That doesn’t sound too bad. 🙂