Allie 1,

“Better that someone else causes us pain than we hurt ourselves by perpetually holding back.“

This is an insightful, “dangerous” advice to a rule-bending limerent like me… who potentially, “shamelessly” dares to cross any emotion frontier… 😜

@Allie 1.

“But romantic and sexual indecision is natural isn’t it? Blaming the LO is like saying that they must never feel anything for someone, never portray any romantic or sexual interest in another, and be 100% emotionally and behaviourally consistent unless they are prepared to commit to a relationship. That is unrealistic and I suspect would result in people being afraid of emotional intimacy and connection, afraid of being blamed for hurting others, afraid to flirt and afraid to fall in love. FWB is playing with fire in this regard but it seems to work OK for some people.”

I agree with everything you say here.

It’s too much to ask another human being to be consistent 100% of the time. However, young people who don’t have much life experience or people with issues such as OCD or people struggling very badly with a given bout of limerence may secretly wish everyone in the world was a little more consistent. 😁

I’ve found, as I’ve aged, I naturally allow room for other people to be a fairly normal amount of inconsistent. But that may be because I’m surer of myself and also because I’m less invested in other people behaving in a certain way.

For example, young children may need a high degree of predictability from caregivers. However, older children and teenagers may be able to cope with less predictability because they can meet many of their own needs without help. Plus, they want to start gaining independence from parental figures anyway.

I think in healthy adult relationships, some flirtation, some “testing of the waters”, is a good thing. But the emotional maturity of parties needs to be taken into consideration. Less mature people with less life experience are more likely to make more stringent demands on partners because they feel more is at stake.

I think the trouble with limerence is limerents, especially younger limerents, are looking for one very specific thing from LOs – total emotional reciprocation – and tend to become distressed when such reciprocation isn’t forthcoming. I’m not suggesting Ashley has these expectations. But, when I was younger, my view was: “LO must do what LO is supposed to do. Otherwise LO no longer qualifies for position of LO.” To me, the LO was someone applying for/filling a specific job position, and not a fellow individual to relate to in all their complexity. 🙄😉

Advancing years and growing emotional maturity very likely soften the blow of heartache, should heartache occur. I seem to recall you have teenage daughters? Teenagers stereotypically make a big deal out of romantic entanglements, even romantic entanglements of the most fleeting kind. As a mother, are you prepared for maybe a few interesting outbursts in your household over teenage boys? 😜

@Adam.

“I know its not demigod (blame a lifetime of too much video games) but it is demi something. I’m not at all sober (forgive me Miss Lovisa) but I have no interest in that. I need an emotional connection for physical intimacy. ”

Say no more. I understand what you mean. 🙂

Yeah I guess I am just going to chalk it up to not being able to wrap my head around poly relationships. So I apologize to anyone if I offended them with my posts. I mainly go back to how Ashley’s LO treated her after she gained feelings for him. It is callous and cold. I wouldn’t call someone that treated me like that a friend. And when a man treats a woman like that I get pissed, to say the least. So I will leave it at that.

Sammy

Maybe I can’t get that either. Sex and then “catching feelings” as you kids say. 🙂 But I am also not judging it in any way. I just feel bad for Ashley’s plight. Most limerents bring it on themselves with the LO being neutral. I hope that Ashley can find peace with or without the LO.

” I can’t imagine a casual partner making such a sacrifice. ”

That is a point many here are trying to convey… Polyamory does not mean casual any more than monogamy means committed. The only difference between polyamory and monogomy is that you can, if you choose, have more than one (committed or otherwise) love relationship at the same time.

Hi Lovisa,
„ Does that kind of stuff happen with polycules? Do they help care for aging parents? Do they take time off work to stay with the kids because your dad had heart surgery and you want to sleep on his couch for a few days? “
I guess polycules are not that casual as I understood, there will be all that caring, just more people involved? Or maybe there’s one main partner, maybe father of the kids, who would take time off work , or even two fathers… maybe one would ideally have even more support?
But I don’t know any polycules, so I wouldn’t know if that happens or not.

Allie,
“I would not call that success.”
I agree. Just because the marriage has lasted doesn’t mean it should. People stay together for a variety of reason and it’s very often not because of a great love.

No problem, Adam. I agree that sex is better when there is an emotional connection.

I’ve been thinking about these polycules. I really don’t understand how they work. When my mom was diagnosed with dementia, she came to live with me. I couldn’t let her stay in her condo alone when she was an hour’s drive from me. My husband used to have a very nice wood shop in our basement. He converted it to a bedroom for my mom. I can’t imagine a casual partner making such a sacrifice. Does that kind of stuff happen with polycules? Do they help care for aging parents? Do they take time off work to stay with the kids because your dad had heart surgery and you want to sleep on his couch for a few days? I just can’t wrap my mind around how these relationships work.

“If two people are experiencing this high level of mutual fascination with each other, it might not go down so well in poly circles ”
Good point.. mutual limerence could be quite destabilising to a polycule (just love that word don’t you! :). Though I imagine intense mutual limerence is rare when there are fewer barriers, freeer communication, much less uncertainty and, most importantly of all, consummation.

Absolutely agree, it can be hard to understand polyamory when viewed through a monogamous lens.

Poly people are far and few between compared to the culturally standard monogamy so personally, I have no representative data to comment on relationship longevity but… what if the length of a relationship did not matter, but instead the measure of relationship success was how happy and fulfilled people are, regardless of long are short their relationship(s) are?

I know many monogamous people in LTRs that love their spouses but deeply feel a lack and yearn for something more. I also know plenty that barely tolerate their spouses. I would not call that success.

I guess there is no one right or wrong lifestyle… we are all different.