Jay, your ability to forgive is inspiring. You are correct to view limerence as an addiction. I am in awe of what you said.

There is a point at which our loved ones’ behavior is too troublesome for us to handle. If you get to a point where you can’t continue on this incredible path of reunification, well… I don’t think anyone would blame you if you need to shift your strategy to self-preservation.

I would like to point out that although Adam feels guilty for his limerence, he never cheated on his wife. When he realized that his thoughts were consumed by another woman, he took action to fix the problem. He asked for help. He addressed his problems with the LwL community. He makes himself out to be more guilty than he deserves and I don’t want there to be confusion for anyone who reads this thread.

Jay, you are amazing! Keep up the good work!

That makes sense. I’m sorry that I disappointed you. We couldn’t communicate on Facebook anyway because I don’t use it. It looks like you have a good support network which delights me because you need it. You are also a good looking man and that will be helpful if things don’t work out with your wife.

Sorry you didn’t leave a comment, I hoped we could communicate more openly elsewhere. Out of respect for the webmaster, I don’t want to digress from limerence on this site any more than I already have. Good luck with your future hiking plans!

Jay

I have quite the opposite situation. Just last week it was addressed to me by my wife that I spoke her name repeatedly in my sleep. With other less than polite context. I don’t remember all the details but I did remember on my trek to work that I did remember saying her name in my sleep and was more than ready to have to address it when I got home from work that night.

Eventually that evening I brought it up with my wife and thought I was ready to hear the context and details. I was not ready. It was shameful what I said. The thoughts were sexual. She still slept in the bed with me after that conversation. Though I slept with my head at the foot of the bed.

I have a very forgiving wife and I don’t know why. It has been two years since I saw/talked to her last. This should be over. I am trying to do all the right things to forget her. And then $hit like this happens. What words do I have to ask my wife? What is it I can explain to her to stay? Nothing. There are no words. And yet she is still here. As the guilty party I most admire your ever persistent patience with your wife. I know I am thankful for my wife. Despite my stupid brain.

Ask the trails are about six feet wide and we’ll maintained. Bright Angel seemed fine going up, not sure about going down – but I have it on good authority that while the South Kaibab trail has the best views, it may well trigger your fear of heights. I’ve hiked down the first mile where the switchbacks are daunting, but I guess there’s little to either side of the trail along sections farther down.

Although I never sought a camping permit below the rim, I’m told you have to plan many months in advance. I also wonder if larger groups might be harder to accommodate all at once.

Same is true for R2R. Our group was for this time, but the prospects of adding a fifth raised issues with lodging, rental car, etc. It’s also important to be of similar fitness levels, otherwise you risk getting strung out or isolated on the trail.

People I tell about my situation often ask about trust. But people I ask who know about limerence, especially those who have had it themselves, describe it as similar to an addiction to the most powerful high they could imagine.

I’ve dealt with addicts before, good people who often behaved destructively while under the influence. They were still good people after they beat their addictions. My mother was one who prevailed. I hope my wife will too.

It would be different if my wife were not at heart a good person. But until this happened, she was the most scrupulously honest and caring person I ever met. The fact that she is so completely different is why I hope she will revert as soon as the limerence fades. And I’m told I have good reason to hope.

As many have told me, forgiveness is something I do for myself. My wife has openly questioned whether she can forgive herself for what she has done. I think we both have a lot of work to do to put things back together. She may not want to, and it may not work. But we’ll have to take it one step at a time.

Jay, I read your Facebook post. I want to talk about it, but not too much because I don’t want to give your identity away on LwL. I want to respect your privacy and the privacy of your wife. I didn’t “comment” or “like” your post because I don’t want to give my identity away either. Sorry to be so difficult. I like the anonymity of LwL.

Your journey sounds lovely! I see that it wasn’t your first r2 experience but it was your most successful journey. I’m glad that you didn’t have a repeat of last time. The details you provided were very helpful for me to plan my own r2 experience. Thank you for sharing! Your pictures are amazing! The heights trigger fear in me even when it’s just a picture. I noticed that the trail is wide. I can handle the heights if I know where to put my feet. I get woozy if there is a steep drop and the trail gets narrow. Ugh! If I don’t know where to step next, I get panicked. Your pictures make it look like the trail is wide the whole time. Whew! That helps. What a wonderful experience. You needed it. I’m glad that you already have your next adventure planned, too.

I want to tell you something silly. One time I set out to run eight miles but I ran twenty. I didn’t have enough electrolytes for twenty miles so I licked my arms. I know it sounds gross, but desperate people do desperate things. It tasted so good because my body craved the salt that I lost during that run and my arms were salty. It was a night run so no one saw me licking my arms. Anyway, I don’t know if that’s helpful, but it was a way that I replenished electrolytes when I needed to.

Thank you so much for writing a detailed account of your r2 experience. I enjoyed reading it!

Hi Jay, thanks for answering Dr L’s survey. I understand that you would like your wife to return to her senses, but I can’t wrap my mind around something. How will you move forward as her husband after all that she has done? I mean, let’s pretend like she came to her senses, apologized, and put some effort into repairing your relationship with her. Will you be able to forgive what she has done? How?

I look forward to reading about your adventure on the FB page. I don’t use facebook so I have to find someone who will help me access that page. I think my hubby is a member of that group.

I have been looking at rim-to-rim planning today. My group is 6 people: 4 men and 2 women. I am getting frustrated with how hard it is to get reservations below the rim. I really wish my group was willing to do the trip in one day, but unfortunately, my husband and I are the only two who want to do it in one day. I’ll keep trying to get reservations. If I can’t get them for this fall, I think my husband and I will do it as a day trip and then we will keep trying to get reservations for our group later. Do you think it would be nice to go down South Kaibab camp at the site near Phantom Ranch then go to Cottonwood and camp there for a night then ascend North Kaibab? That’s kind of what I am aiming to do with my group. They are worried about their fitness abilities. I’m testing most of them on a training hike in a few weeks. We shall see how it goes. I have a silly question. I did a few miles of the North Kiabab trail and it didn’t trigger my darn fear of heights too bad. Is the South side similar to the North side? Do you think the heights are worse on the South rim side?

Have a great week!

Thanks for checking up and thanks for the link, I completed the questions. Right now my main concern is whether she’ll come back, and how that will affect my life plans going forward. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I would wave my magic wand to have her come to her senses. That would be the best and easiest solution.

Today I realized that the grief retreat was only three weeks ago. I first noticed changes two weeks ago at our daughter’s graduation, and they were validated last week on my trip. It’s like all my progress learning and healing was slow and incremental until the retreat catalyzed and clarified everything. Evidently it was a more powerful weekend than I ever imagined.

Today is my last day of recovery from my trip. Thankfully I have no injuries, blisters, or sunburn to contend with. Tomorrow I start prepping for a metric century (62km) bike ride in August I might do if I’m not traveling for work.

I posted about my R2R hike on Grand Canyon Rim to Rim on FB if you want to read about it. Hopefully you can find it, please post a comment there if you do. I have yet to post about Havasupai Falls on a different page, not sure when I’ll get to it….

It was so good to hear that things were looking up for you when you last updated us. I hope you are still feeling positive.

Dr L posted something that I thought you might like to see. It is a survey for spouses of limerents. I think you should check it out when you have time.

https://livingwithlimerence.com/new-project-dealing-with-limerence-in-marriage/

Best wishes!