“Adversity happens to everyone. The point is to turn adversity into opportunity. There’s adversity in a world that isn’t fair.” When things are against you, circumstances or a strike of bad luck ( like a SO becoming limerent for a LO) – it’s a threat to a person’s physical or emotional safety and a sense of being trapped, powerless or unsupported in the face of a perceived danger or in the time afterwards without immediate access to safety and protection. This is an unpleasant situation, you need resilience in the face of adversity. People can indeed grow from adversity, they can become stronger, improve the quality of their relationships and increase their self esteem. “

“Lessons learned from hardships often reveal limitations, patterns, beliefs, and skills you didn’t see or appreciate before. Self-awareness is powerful, you have the chance to make new choices based on what matters; how you act, think and feel ; and what you can and can’t do. “

How to fight adversity?
“Set realistic goals, learn from mistakes, be positive to your approach.
1) Reflection: Analyze the setback to understand its root causes and contributing factors.
2) Adaptability: Be open to adjusting your approach or strategy based on the lessons learned.
3) Resilience: Develop the ability to bounce back from adversity.”

“Overcoming adversity is about taking an honest look at your own knowledge and skills, acknowledging your shortcomings and working to improve them every day, work on things that will benefit you no matter what your goal is.”

The question is: Is it wise to wait for a spouse (who is limerent) to “come to their senses “ or not?

Each one has to carefully study their own situation and own self, and based on the truth, knowledge and one’s principles take a decision. One should not rush to take a decision of this magnitude as it is separation or divorce. You need equanimity, relaxed mind (as if that would be posible under stress…) but yes, it is necessary to be calmed and composed before taking any kind of decision . It needs time…

That can lead to big career problems. Even legal ones if he crosses a line with her and HR gets involved. A sexual harassment lawsuit doesn’t look good on the resume.

Let him go Harriet. Just let him go. Do not twist yourself into knots, do not diminish yourself to keep him around. Remember he had to devalue you to pursue this.

Consult an attorney. Get checked for STIs and discuss your stress level. Comb through the finances. See your dentist. PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH. He certainly isn’t thinking about you except in passing. Don’t let him be in charge of deciding whether or not to keep the life support going. Ditto for his being beneficiary of your life insurance policy.

http://www.chumplady.com

Good luck to you.

A nondenominational church sounds like a good fit. I’m glad that Momma is supportive. I’m glad that you found a good church leader to walk with you on your journey.

Thank you for your kind wishes, Adam. We will get through this mess. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it is a very uncomfortable tunnel for now. I have two siblings who don’t talk. The feuding started 12 years ago. I think they might be forced to reconcile because of the situation with my mom. The reconciliation is a blessing but the process has been a living hell. Our oldest brother is the one who keeps the feud going with my only sister. Since there is just two girls, sometimes he treats me the way he treats her. It’s like he forgets that we aren’t the same person. It’s bad. It’s really bad right now. But the other boys finally saw how he treats us and they are intervening. They didn’t know how badly he treated our sister until a few days ago when he did it in front of everyone. Usually he hides it. Usually he is nice when other people are around and mean when it’s one-on-one. The recent incident was awful, but it might help us make progress towards repairing our relationships. By the way, my brother isn’t all bad. He has a lot of good qualities too. He just gets mean towards my sister and sometimes towards me.

I hope you have a great day, Adam!

I will try to answer your questions directly. Let me tell you where my perspective comes from. I am the limerent in my relationship. My SO knows about my limerence. I am not currently limerent. I have contact with my past LOs except my LO1 because my husband thinks he is a dangerous person.

Let’s address your questions.

“I know I shouldn’t care but I do, I love him, I want him back, I want our life back. But if he is in this state could it even be fixed?”

Yes, he can come to his senses.

“I’m not even sure she wants him and I fear it will all end sadly and badly for all of us.”

You are not the only person who has said something along those lines. It’s possible that the other woman has no idea that she affects your husband so deeply.

“It hurts my head trying to think of why”

I can’t answer why. Sorry, but limerence seems to come at us for different reasons. I’ve learned a lot from my limerence. I actually think I’m a better person because it taught me some valuable lessons. It also pulled me out of a depression. It’s different for everyone. I don’t know why your husband has limerence.

“how to fix it…”

Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Helper. Their resources are very helpful.

“…was it me?”

Probably not. It probably has nothing to do with you.

“why did he do it?”

He probably wasn’t looking for trouble. I know I wasn’t. Another limerent shared a dream on LwL that lends insight to what the onset of limerence feels like. He said that in his dream, he was minding his own business when someone poked a needle in his leg and shot him up with heroin. He became a heroin addict in an instant. He hadn’t even chosen to take that first hit. Limerence really is like that. You find yourself addicted to another person and you can’t figure out how it happened.

“Is there anyway back for us?”

Absolutely! Again, please look into Marriage Helper.

Sorry, Dr L, I rarely disagree with you, but I do believe there is hope for Harriet’s marriage.

“Am I wasting my time?”

Of course you’re not wasting your time. You meant your vows. You want your marriage back. It is worth your time.

“Do I leave the door open for when limerence fades?”

That is your choice. I like to believe that I would leave the door open if I were in your position. I don’t know if I’m that strong. You have to decide how much you can handle.

“…will it fade?”

Yes! Here is a difficult reality. The limerence will fade, but he can have other feelings for her that last. For me, with my current LO3, he felt like an exciting new sports car, now he feels like a comfortable pair of jeans. I like comfortable. I like him. But I am better at making good choices when I’m not addicted to an LO even if I still like the person. I hope that makes sense.

“Will it happen again?”

You need to sit down before you read this answer… maybe. It might happen again. He also might develop skills and self awareness to handle it better so even if it happens again, it might not be as problematic.

Harriet, I hope that helps. Best wishes!

I went to a Catholic church twice. The church I go to now (since November) is non-denominational. I am sorry this is a hard time for your family and I wish you the best to you and yours that things get better.

He is being very patient with me while wanting to help me further. I appreciate that he is letting me take the pace I can deal with and not rushing me into anything. Truly a man of God. And I shared my religious background with him last Sunday including that I left because of the discord of who I married caused. And that Momma is pagan and might not ever join me in service at church but supports me in every other way.

Someone in my past told me that “everyone in your life you encounter is either a lesson or a blessing”. When LO was here she was a blissful blessing. When she left she was a curse and a damnation to me. But as I keep moving on further from limerence I think she was a lesson. She taught me that I am a weak man with the same sins of the flesh we all have. She taught me that my path in life needed a change. And she taught me that besides those sins of the flesh I still love my wife and while I came close, I still chose her and our marriage over temptation. Now I have the path of redemption to travel. And she inadvertently made me question my relationship with God again. I don’t know if this is my permanent path, but if even temporary I know I need to travel it for the sake of Momma and our boys.

Yes I have talked to missionaries before. I have, of course, as a Jehovah’s Witness done the door to door missionary too. So I am always, in the past, willing to discuss things with them when they knock on the door. Always polite and interesting people to talk to in regards to spirituality even if I do not know a lot about their beliefs.

Very glad to hear from you Miss Lovisa. You and Nisor have been so helpful and supportive, and Momma too, in this out of the place path I have decided to take. It’s really not like me, but I am going to see where it takes me. Hoping, again, that things get better for you and yours.

MJ

Great to hear from you. The song is super mellow. I can (when the weather gets better) see myself sitting out on the porch with my pipe and a nice spiked lemonade listening to this song lol. I listened to the original version, but much more like the remix you posted. I added it to my “moving on” playlist. This one is for Momma. I dunno if I’d call her a rose pink Cadillac as she absolutely refuses to wear any pink 🙂 Maybe I’ll call her my purple rain Cadillac.

It’s hard not to compare anyone to an LO. Your brain makes you set a standard that is unrealistic and not feasible. I know both her and your LO are fantastic women but not on the pedestal that we put them.

Good to hear that you and your new lady friend are at least talking. Back in December when illness hit my wife and our oldest son, I ended up having a day of vacation I took on the 26th of December open so I went down to where she use to work to meet the new young lady that works there now and talk to my supervisor about her future here at this job. She is a very nice, but tough as cookies lady, and I think she didn’t take my concern too well. Maybe she thought I was being a bit old fashioned. But my supervisor assured her that I am always looking out for all the ladies that work/worked here but yes that I am a bit old fashioned. I guess how I was raised is showing my age even if my gray hair doesn’t.

I agree to take your time with your new friend. Momma and I talked as friends for a long time before our relationship turned romantic. I think friendship is a good foundation for a long term romantic relationship. So good on you for that MJ.

“I’m stubborn and fighting it inside, because I refuse to let whole idea of her go.”

And I am sure that is difficult. Because unlike me, ideally, a relationship with your LO is possible without anyone’s hurt or pain being the price to pay. There is no real reason, other than her lack of interest, for you to give up on her. Maybe things will change. Maybe you can even dream of a life of friendship with her if that is possible for you. If it doesn’t pain you too much having her in any aspect in life could be better than nothing.

Again, good to hear from you. Don’t be too much of a stranger my friend. Pop in once and awhile a make sure this old man knows you are doing ok. Take care of yourself and crossing my fingers for your new lady friend and you.

Adam,

I don’t know that show, but she in the movie “Bleak House”, and Medea.

Diana Rigg as Emma Peel in the TV show Avengers with Patrick McNee was my first crush as a young lad. Her attire in that show very much showed off what God gave her. 🙂 But yes also a very great actress. I still have all the episodes she was in on that show on VHS.

@Adam,

Hey there Friend. Thanks for the shout-out. I’m still around but not as much. It’s been challenging lately helping out Dad with his issues at home and there have been some late nights there I’d rather not go into much detail about.

I’ve been on a different shift at work now too, so I’m a little backwards with my timing on posts. You haven’t missed much. I really haven’t posted too much now that I think about it.
To answer your question, I do work in the auto industry but I am in the manufacturing sector. I am a Tech. at one of the Big 3 and it keeps me plenty busy. Definitely not a career I ever saw myself in but it’s worked out alright. If LO had worked out like I wanted, it would have made the experience even better, but such is life. She’s still over in the satellite building, doing her analytical thing away from us and I guess if that’s where she’s happiest, then I’m still happy for her. It’s very rare I see her anymore, so it’s almost NC at this point, but I hate it. I miss the f#%& out of her.

As for my new Young Lady Friend, she is very nice to talk to and seems really sweet, but I do think I’m giving her crush vibes and I’m not entirely sure what she thinks about that. She seems very guarded at times and is constantly on her phone. So there is an element to that to where I feel like she wants to keep a distance with me as well. Which is fine. We haven’t really talked about personal matters too much either. Mainly it stays work related and not much else. I keep finding myself comparing her to LO which is so wrong, but it’s how I have been measuring up all Women since LO. Guess I’m just not over her yet, which is probably why I’m really in no hurry at all with this new Lady Friend. Slow and steady wins the race. I just don’t want to mess things up and go overboard and potentially freak her out if I get hasty in wanting to meet up after work sometime. I get a vibe she won’t or just isn’t interested like that. Maybe it will pass. I say all hope is not lost, but all hope is not promised either.

All the time I’ve wasted on LO is really pathetic, so I guess I wonder if I’ll ever be over her. In a way, I don’t want to be. I know when I see her again, it will all come back and it still does when I want to ruminate or listen to her playlist. I’m still adding to it. Still get sad at times, but the LC has worked to a degree. I’m stubborn and fighting it inside, because I refuse to let whole idea of her go. In my limerent brain, I’m still seeing her perfection, that is keeping me in her grip.

Thanks for the song too. I haven’t heard that one in forever. It’s really kinda good actually..

Here’s a new one I added to the LO playlist recently. I love the lyrics..

“Love to know how Baby I could get a chance
Just to look in your eyes maybe,
I could be your Man”

Dope Lemon
(Larry the Pink Human remix)
“Rose Pink Cadillac”
https://youtu.be/X8qGz4_2N9o?si=j3kYpKuW3znbMzAU

Adam,

I very much like Diana Rigg’s acting, powerful and touching…

Thanks for the update Adam. Things are very hard with my family right now and I haven’t been on LwL. Right now, I’m waiting for my daughter (she’s with her therapist) and I opened LwL to read the latest article. As I read, something kept telling me to do a search for “Lovisa” and see if anyone left a message for me. I found your note to me and Nisor. It’s all I read so far. I guess I was meant to read what you wrote. Isn’t that interesting. Adam, I think the Holy Spirit wanted me to see your note. I think you are important and the Holy Spirit wants you to have support and encouragement. He is delivering it to you in interesting ways. I enjoy hearing about your experiences with religion. If I remember right, you were raised in a devout Jehovah Witness home. There was tension with your family of origin when you married Momma because she is Pagan. You have been attending Catholic services since November. It sounds like you are finding community in your current congregation. It also sounds like the church leadership is helpful. Adam, I couldn’t be happier for you. I think you’re on a good path. Momma has to decide for herself how involved she can be with your journey. I suspect that she would support you in any way she can. I don’t know, but I think she has to decide for herself because religion is a personal choice.

I had my own return to Christianity in 1997. I read The Book of Mormon and it changed my life. I was able to quit my vices and change my lifestyle. I was a different person before I converted back to the religion of my ancestors. I’ve been a practicing Mormon ever since (though we aren’t actually supposed to be called Mormons. That is a slang word. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It’s a mouthful right? It’s easier to say Mormon.). Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve seen our teenage boys in their white shirts serving missions. My SO was one of them. All three of my LOs served missions, too. Anyway, I’m rambling on and on again.

I don’t know if I’m being helpful. Thank you so much for the update! If I have time, I’ll read more to catch up on what I missed.

Sorry to get all churchy, everyone else. I believe in Christianity but I try to balance my beliefs with respect for the beliefs of others. It can get tricky. I hope I didn’t offend or annoy anyone with my comment.