Welcome, Kensa, and thanks for your thoughtful message. It’s really helpful to hear the non-limerent perspective. I think the experience you describe is a good indication of what “non-limerence” is like – you recognised this gentleman as unusually attractive, interesting, and desirable, but were able to moderate your emotional response and keep a clear sight of the risks of getting too involved. You sensed a connection, but did not get caught up in runaway excitement, or intoxication. I guess a good parallel is for people who enjoy drinking alcohol, but don’t like the feeling of being blind drunk (or hungover), and so stop drinking before it’s too late.

I also like your phrase of not “wandering down the limerent rabbit-hole”. For limerents, there is a combination of not realising where they are wandering, finding it so amazingly energising and enlivening that they want to keep exploring, and once they’ve tumbled all the way down the rabbit hole it is very hard to get back out!

Thanks again for sharing your perspective. It’s very helpful.

I spend two months of the year with my children and grandchildren in another part of the world. On my last visit in March 2023 I happened to meet a very nice man. He is interesting, intelligent, presentable, of a similar age, married. We met a couple of times and became friends. I believe there was a ‘glimmer’ and that it was probably mutual.
I am with family at present and after no contact for a year, and hardly a thought about him, we arranged to meet up again on this visit. He is still as interesting, presentable etc. The glimmer is still there so why don’t I become limerent?…obviously I can’t speak for him!
If my mind is drawn to him, I immediately distract myself with long-established techniques.
I focus on the loving and real relationship I have with my SO and remind myself that actually I don’t know this other person very well.
I manage my friendship with him openly using the shared (with my SO) email account for all communication.
I think of the ‘ glimmer’ as a trick of the mind, something that was useful in earlier times when finding a compatible and loving mate was essential for me… I work best when part of a couple.
So, am I limerent but have naturally acquired the techniques required to put L back in its box when not required or potentially risky?
Am I a non-limerent who whilst recognising the possibilities in a potential mate naturally doesn’t wander off down the limerent rabbit-hole?
Am I slightly limerent, on that sliding scale mentioned in the blog?

I recognise I have been in this situation before, about twenty-five years ago. That situation was very different; I was in an abusive marriage with four children. Whilst the appeal of another romantic relationship in my life was inviting, I knew that it would complicate the situation we were in and therefore rejected the potential LE using similar techniques as above. I kept a journal at that time, at my mother’s home, which has made interesting reading.
I hope these reflections are helpful, Dr L. You are doing a good thing with your work.

“… weeks of exhilaration and euphoria that all of a sudden turned unbearably low as reality set in and it could not be turned off. … months of a lot of tears and depression and now … months of trying to manage it as best as possible.” @Speedwagon.

“The unknown was forbidden and exciting at the same time. Every tip toe took you closer and closer to a line that you shouldn’t cross. Maybe you could make it to the ladder at the deep end of the pool. Maybe you wouldn’t drown. But no matter the outcome you couldn’t stop. The excitement was too addicting.” @Adam.

“Like this explosion went off inside me … Think Cupid, instead of shooting an arrow, tossing a meteorite at my heart. That’s how it felt. Super intense euphoria … a slow downgrade over the next few months … real lows, with tears and sadness.” @MJ.

“I’d rather compare my experience of climbing to the cuspid of a mountain. The energy, the euphoria and obsession climbing to the top, nothing would have stopped me … no ambivalence during the onset of limerence … Everything was colorful and beautiful … [later on] can’t turn it [limerence] off … ruminations never ending … The lows start when all that euphoria goes away …” @Nisor.

Such amazing feedback, everyone! Thank you for sharing. 😜

Sammy hi,

The swimming pool metaphor for me is not so much because I don’t know how to swim, and never had the thrill or excitement people have when jumping in the deep end of it. I’d rather compare my experience of climbing to the cuspid of a mountain. The energy, the euphoria and obsession climbing to the top, nothing would have stopped me. Oh that energy that makes you “turbo” charged! It’s so pleasurable one feels on cloud nine! It lasted for a few weeks, maybe a month and a half. The world smiled at me and I smiled back at it…

No, there was no ambivalence during the onset of limerence, there was no room for it. Everything was colorful and beautiful, I felt super joyful. But, soon it dawned on me this wasn’t normal at my age, feeling like a teenager! Still , I pursued , I got a hold of LO’s telephone number and called. That was climbing to the top of the mountain! (I had not talked to LO for forty nine years!) The call went well. But reality hit home, I couldn’t turn off the thoughts and ruminations, as this cannot be, LO is taken, he has a SO, so do I, that’s when I started to feel ambivalent. Should I call him again, go No Contact for ever ? I did call again, then went NC. ( the interaction was fine, lovely, but debilitating to hear his voice , he’s a continent away. )
(My limerence is for an ex boyfriend when I was young)
.
The experience cannot be “turned off” despite being inconvenient, no, it’s not in your hands or your willpower.
That’s when it became very disturbing and scary. Disturbing, because you can’t turn it off, and the ruminations never ending; scary, because you don’t know why this is happening and for how long before you crumble down with pain and sadness, you feel your emotions have imprisoned you ; also what if you start “leaking” and SO finds out?
SOs are inconvenient at the time you’re feeling low because you can’t let your emotions out, and have to put on a mask, choking in your feelings. I think this prolongs the suffering. One would rather be alone with one’s sorrows.

The lows start when all that euphoria goes away and one understands the “impossibility “ of ever obtaining the unobtainable: LO.

Acceptance of facts is my mantra. Facts, reality, it helps…

Have a beautiful blessed weekend. Hugs.

I’ve always compared the feeling of euphoria, at the initial glimmer of LO, to that of being hit with a limerence meteorite.

Like this explosion went off inside me. It was on a day where I had locked eyes with her in the office, and she gave me the cutest, most precocious smile I’ve ever seen. Think Cupid, instead of shooting an arrow, tossing a meteorite at my heart. That’s how it felt. Super intense euphoria. I would say that feeling lasted for at least a month. Then a slow downgrade over the next few months, to where real lows, with tears and sadness hit about 5 months later.

To this day, I am still sad about what never transpired. Never in my life did I once think I could ever feel for another human being like I do for LO. I wonder if any Woman will ever come close.

In the pool analogy, for me, it was more like when you dared yourself at 10 years old to see how far to the deep end you could tip toe even though you didn’t know how to swim. The unknown was forbidden and exciting at the same time. Every tip toe took you closer and closer to a line that you shouldn’t cross. Maybe you could make it to the ladder at the deep end of the pool. Maybe you wouldn’t drown. But no matter the outcome you couldn’t stop. The excitement was too addicting. There she was. Right there. Just standing on the other side of the line you shouldn’t cross. You could hear your mother screaming at you to stop out of fear you would drown. But you couldn’t focus on that. You kept tip toeing until the water was all around you. And when you would sink to the bottom to push yourself back up to the top it was too far and you couldn’t break the surface anymore. Finally you find yourself on the pool room floor and there your mother is as you finally open your eyes. She saved you from yourself. Then five minutes later you are back in the pool heading towards the ladder on the deep end. It’s call beckoning you. I swear women will be the death of me long before alcohol.

Sammy, what you describe is exactly how I would describe it in my experience with LO. 10 short days of glimmer period. My glimmer has an actual starting event and a crystalization event. About 6 weeks of exhilaration and euphoria that all of a sudden turned unbearably low as reality set in and it could not be turned off. 4 months of a lot of tears and depression and now 18 months of trying to manage it as best as possible. Some days are still really tough.

@Nisor & Others.

For those who describe limerence as a “sudden take-over” of brain and thoughts, could one use the term “immersion” as an accurate metaphor for the sudden take-over? I.e. is limerence like plunging into the deep end of a swimming pool? (Or maybe the deep end of the ocean?) 😉

What are the initial emotions associated with the plunge? Is it exhilaration? Does one feel obsession and euphoria at the same time?

Would it be accurate to say that maybe there’s no ambivalence, no hemming and hawing, during the onset of limerence. Any feelings of ambivalence only come later on in the process e.g. when one discovers the experience can’t be “turned off” despite being inconvenient?

“This thing is very disturbing and scary… though the euphoria at the beginning has no comparison to any other thrill, the downs after are unbearable.”

That sounds awful, Nisor. Initially, I did not think limerence disturbing and scary. I think I found the experience stressful and confusing, but also incredibly pleasurable and intoxicating. Unbearable downs following incomparable highs, however, tracks well with my own lived experience. 🤔

Same.