Once the thrills of euphoria have given way to the lows of person addiction, you have all the negative consequences of cravings, intrusive thoughts, withdrawal pains, and the sense of being trapped in a compulsion you want to escape but don’t know how.

Eventually, with patience and determination, it is possible to get out of this state. However, even once we succeed in freeing ourselves from the mental state of limerence, it isn’t done serving us life lessons.

I recently had an email from a reader who has largely got over their limerent object but is still struggling to move on. Principally because of what they did while under the influence:

Are there exercises or ways to get over the shame and humiliation one feels when reminded of the things they did to get their LO’s attention especially after having been rejected?

It seems an especially mean phenomenon that intrusive thoughts about the LO can transform into intrusive thoughts about the humiliating behaviour we engaged in whilst limerence had dampened our judgement and self-respect.

The clarity of post-limerent thinking is welcome, but not if it comes with a huge dollop of guilt over what we did.

Is there a way to manage this, and recover some emotional harmony?

Guilt, shame and embarrassment

A good starting point is to recognise the difference between the closely aligned feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment.

A quick summary would be:

• Guilt = I did something bad
• Shame = I am a bad person
• Embarrassment = I did something foolish

Guilt usually comes from doing or saying something that you know is in conflict with your internal moral code. It is typically focused on believing your actions have caused pain to someone else, and that you want to atone for your actions to try and make things right.

Guilt in this sense is useful, because it comes naturally from within, is focused on deeds not identity, and is more like a moral debt than a character flaw. It’s the prick of your own conscience, not an external judgement.

Shame is different.

Shame is the feeling of being a flawed or worthless person. Shame often comes when other people criticise you for your actions, or suggest you should feel guilty over something that you don’t naturally feel guilty about.

Shame is often deep rooted, psychologically, due to childhood programming by over-critical, self-centred or emotionally withholding parents.

Shame is much less useful than guilt. It doesn’t help you identify what behaviours to avoid in the future, learn from mistakes, or help you align your actions to your internal moral compass. It just makes you feel bad about yourself.

Finally, the simplest to deal with is embarrassment.

Embarrassment comes from doing something that opens you to social ridicule rather than something that is morally wrong. It’s more about those hot flushes of cringe, when you fear that people will be laughing at you or think you’re pathetic.

Managing shame and embarrassment

Shame is a problem of self-esteem. It is corrosive and has little value. Shame is difficult to deal with, and can be complicated to even identify, as it can be masked as other emotions, like anger, anxiety or depression.

Really, the solution is to try and understand the origin of why you feel unworthy or inferior. This is probably most usefully done with the help of a therapist or mental health professional who can get to the root of your internalised beliefs and help you make sense of them.

In the short-term, one exercise to try is to analyse the situation as though you were responsible for judging someone else’s conduct. Detach your emotions from the situation and question it dispassionately.

To take the reader’s situation above, you might ask:

1. Is it shameful to feel limerent desire for someone else?
2. Is it shameful to be rejected by them?
3. Is it shameful to try to get their attention in an embarrassing way?
4. Is it shameful to continue to pursue them after rejection?

For me, the answers would be

1. No
2. No
3. No, but it is embarrassing.
4. It’s inconsiderate, but it’s not shameful (unless you didn’t respect their boundaries)

The key distinction is whether your actions caused harm to anyone other than yourself.

If you just behaved foolishly – like clumsily flirting, or getting drunk and making an exhibition of yourself – then the only thing wounded is your pride. In these cases the best remedy is to just… laugh along at what a fool you were.

Embarrassment is largely a problem of mental framing.

I always remember a line by Mr Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, when I embarrass myself:

For what do we live but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?

It helps remind me that everybody embarrasses themselves at some point. It’s just my turn.

Looked at from this perspective, embarrassment just means you’ve provided some free entertainment, and it’s really just a private pang of regret that you should have exercised more emotional continence.

That said, embarrassment can be more complicated if other people are affected.

It can, appropriately, lead to guilt if you caused pain or distress through your actions. Say, by harassing your LO after they made it clear they weren’t interested, or – in perhaps the commonest cause of limerence guilt – making romantic or sexual overtures to LO while in a committed relationship with someone else.

Managing guilt

Limerents do often act in an irresponsible way, for understandable reasons. In the throes of limerence, your self-control is compromised, but that isn’t any justification or mitigation for the harm done.

Guilt in this context is useful, because it correctly signals that you’ve done something at odds with your conscience. It comes with a big old rush of regret when you recover your senses and have to face what you’ve done.

You can’t undo or fix the past. It’s happened. That cold reality can be hard to accept, and regret can turn guilt toxic if it’s not managed well.

There are two big risks with mismanaging guilt.

First, it can transform into shame.

Second, it can get into a futile spiral of endlessly trying to make amends. People can get trapped in a process of seeking relief by repeatedly apologising, or confessing, or revisiting past mistakes.

Instead of finally dispelling their guilt, they just end up re-opening old wounds.

The imagined emotional closure from guilt-purging never comes. You just keep churning the silt.

So, how can you manage guilt effectively?

Well, the most important thing to do is figure out if there is a way to make amends, and the best way to do that is to try and put yourself into the shoes of the person that’s been wronged.

For example: if you feel guilty about coming on too strongly to an LO after they’d rejected you, the best way to make amends would probably be to leave them alone. Another in-person interaction to apologise or seek forgiveness would almost certainly just make them uncomfortable again, making the situation worse. An email or text with a short apology for your conduct might be OK, as long as you leave it at that and don’t take it as an opportunity to try and re-engage.

In the case of guilt about limerent behaviour that hurts someone other than the LO –say a spouse or long-term partner – making amends is about genuine contrition and rebuilding trust. In this case, there are some rules of thumb that can help:

1. Let them lead. They are the injured party and so should be able to express how they feel about the situation and if you can do anything to make it better.
2. Tell the truth. Now is not the time for reputation management. Being honest is the only hope of regaining trust.
3. Share consequential information. Lies of omission can damage trust too. Be sensitive, but share information that you know they would want to know. Your partner should be the best informed person about what happened.
4. Don’t try to offload the guilt. It’s not a burden they take on for you, by being a sounding board for all your regrets and anxieties.
5. Accept that you’ll probably never feel satisfied. Guilt doesn’t vanish through confession. The best you can hope for is that they feel better, and then you can be relieved that that’s some recompense.
6. Use it as an anchor memory for future limerence. Any time you are tempted to behave irresponsibility in the future, remember what guilt feels like and what it costs.

Limerence guilt can be productive if you use it to learn about your vulnerabilities, and to change the way you act in the future.

It’s a rare person that navigates through life without regrets.

Life humbles us, sometimes.

Take it with grace and do what you can to make amends.

The post Dealing with limerence guilt first appeared on Living with Limerence.

I’ve never been in a relationship or really gone beyond the first couple of dates with a girl, and haven’t had any sexual experiences since I was 19 at university. Since I’ve learnt about limerence, with hindsight I can now probably say that I’ve had two previous LOs… both causing me to go into depressive and anxious spirals, but I probably never really admitted to even myself that this was such a big contributing factor to my problems.

Owen fell into limerence at university, and it was so deep and disruptive that his performance suffered, he self-medicated with other addictions (alcohol and marijuana), and he ended up leaving without completing his studies.

As a consequence, he:

…took the decision to completely cut out dating and the idea of having a relationship as I tried to get myself back on track with work and quitting my other vices.

Fast forward a few years, and Owen has met a new limerent object. He asked her out and they went on a couple of dates, but it didn’t work out – in part because Owen felt insecure and inexperienced. They are now just friends.

Owen now understands that his previous tendency to use limerence fantasies for mood regulation, had unintended consequences.

I don’t want to be beholden to the romantic fantasies in my head, but I have no idea how to progress and be confident to find something in real life without it going the same route again, and whilst I know comparing myself to others is foolish, I do feel like I’ve caused myself to be left behind in such a key area of life.

So, that’s the crux of it. He now sees that limerence has held him back in life, but does not feel confident about how to turn things around.

He seeks romantic connection, but feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, or how to progress a real relationship without falling into limerent fantasies.

Let’s try and help.

The positives

Starting with the positive aspects of Owen’s story, he is now very self-aware and able to see his situation clearly. That is a big first step towards purposeful living.

Many people who seem to have their lives together in their twenties end up crashing into a crisis at midlife, when they realise that the ambitions they pursued did not bring them happiness after all. Their dark night of self-evaluation comes later, when it is far more disruptive.

Cold comfort, but comparing yourself to friends who seem to have it all figured out is often an error – they can just be passively drifting too.

Second, Owen is just entering his prime. He may feel he is behind his peers, but he’s also on the threshold of the best part of adult life. There is time to capitalise on that opportunity.

Third, he is doing a lot right. He has got a stable job, even if his original ambitions from university were compromised, and he has a group of friends who can offer emotional support.

It seems to me that Owen is at the starting line of a purposeful future, and ready to go.

The negatives

OK, so, ready and raring to go, but… where?

How do you start a race when you feel unprepared, unfit, and unsure of the route?

How do you gain confidence? How do you deal with embarrassment during dating? How do you manage limerence when it overwhelms your efforts to be calm, cool and collected?

Well, rather like preparing for a race, you need to practice. To train.

Owen had the courage and purpose to ask his LO out, and they went on a couple of dates. He felt like an awkward teen and it didn’t work out, but he did it. That’s actually profoundly important.

The critical next step forwards is to understand that this wasn’t a failure. OK, maybe there isn’t a future with his current LO (who he might be advised to limit contact with), but there are other opportunities ahead.

Success rarely comes immediately. Much more commonly, it comes after trying repeatedly and incrementally improving your odds. Failure only really arrives when you give up for good.

When you put pressure on yourself, and treat dating as a high stakes situation, it inevitably feels like a disaster, rather than a setback, when it goes wrong.

The mental reframe needed is to move from:

Oh that was awful I felt like a fool and didn’t know what to do. I’m never doing that again.

to

I got some romantic training in today, but it was hard going. I need to work at it.

It is only a tiny minority of people who have “natural confidence” (and even some of them turn out to have some underlying mental insecurity driving them).

Most of us have to put the reps in.

Dispelling embarrassment

On a date, men typically want to be as suave and worldly as James Bond, but feel closer to Mr Bean.

A lot of embarrassment comes from the mismatch between how insecure we feel and how confident we think we should feel. If we do something naive or awkward or clumsy, we get that hot flush of embarrassment as our dignity crumbles.

There is a secret, though, that all the dating gurus know and share, but no one really wants to believe. A way to sidestep the game playing and performing that can complicate dating.

Authenticity.

Confidence isn’t really the belief that you can handle anything, that you are in charge of the world and action-orientated. It’s more about being comfortable in your own identity, and at ease with yourself.

Purposeful living is all about building that sort of confidence naturally, by becoming more self-aware and pursuing meaningful work and building healthy relationships with the people you care for.

It’s surprising how effective that is at removing embarrassment too.

If you don’t pretend, you won’t feel embarrassed when the pretense wobbles.

To give a personal example: leaving an academic post where I was working on Important Neuroscience to go it alone as a writer talking about love and infatuation (including exposing my own personal dramas) was not generally seen as an enhancement of my professional status.

I was prepared to deal with the embarrassment of old colleagues teasing me, but it never happened.

Leaving was a purposeful choice. I simply explained myself straightforwardly and – almost universally – people responded with polite curiosity. Respect, even.

I don’t have extraordinary confidence or insensitivity to embarrassment.

I just behaved authentically and most people accepted it.

Self-development

Coming back to Owen’s case, the overall message is to keep going with developing self awareness, and understanding why you are how you are.

It takes time to reverse the limiting beliefs of the past and build new beliefs about the future. Rewriting those programs is going to involve some trial and error, and openness to risks and disappointments.

Your best chance of finding someone special who might be a long-term partner is to find someone who aligns with your values, goals and purpose.

That means you have to have a clear idea of what those values, goals and purpose are, and you have to anticipate that there are bound to be some false starts.

This contrasts with most people’s approach to dating:

She’s attractive, I’ll try to impress her, and hope she likes me.

Instead it’s:

She’s attractive, I’ll try and get to know her, and see if we’re compatible.

Approach dating with the same purposeful mindset as you approach the other areas of life, and you’ll get better outcomes.

All that said, it is a long time since I was dating, so while these universal principles are hopefully useful, if anyone has more timely observations, add them to the comments below.

Good luck Owen!

The post Case study: held back by limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

Here’s the dilemma from reader Laura:

LO and I were in a relationship for two years, although on and off. There were some problems, but we were aware of this and communicated openly and were vulnerable about it.

Unfortunately, he had to return to his home country and that’s when he became an LO for me. It was horrible, impossible to escape. We pushed and pulled each other for a year and a half. Wanted to break up because things were in general not working out, but we just repeatedly couldn’t. So we added a bunch of uncertainty on top of it all ourselves.

After wrestling with this limbo state for a while, Laura came to realise that the long distance limerence was not going to resolve itself. Eventually, they admitted defeat.

We are now separated but the physical distance still plays a part in my LE. He has another girlfriend now, but even this is not enough for me to feel there is no chance. Secretly I still feel that what we had was special and that if the distance wasn’t there all would be different.

So, despite the best attempts to make it work, and despite recognising that they were fighting a slow defeat, Laura’s limerence has not gone away. Even though she is clear in her mind that she wants to “recover and grow for herself”.

I don’t think that Laura is looking for advice about the relationship, and she wisely doesn’t want to get caught up in psychoanalysing the behaviour of her LO. Instead:

I would love to read about how doing long distance, without a clear finish line, can add to the limerence.

That last comment about “no clear finish line” is probably the heart of this story. The thread throughout all of Laura’s experience is uncertainty. I’ve written before about how it may be the limerent’s Achilles’ heel, and long-distance limerence is an ideal scenario for triggering it. Almost every aspect of the situation will exacerbate limerence. It’s like a terrible perfect storm.

Let’s work through some of the worst ways that distance can amplify limerence.

1. The relationship was already uncertain

From Laura’s account, it seems that the relationship with LO was already somewhat uncertain, even before separation triggered a worsening of her limerence pain.

This uncertainty could have been the usual ups and down of different expectations around what love should feel like, or clashes of attachment style or any of the many other possible incompatibilities that make the path of love rocky.

Alternatively, the problems may have been more serious, and the relationship might not have ended up being viable in the long-term. As I put it before, sometimes love takes work, but it shouldn’t be a labour of Hercules. Sometimes it is wise to give up.

The crucial factor in Laura’s case, though, is that she didn’t get to find out naturally. There was no opportunity to properly resolve any issues they were facing as a couple, before he had to move away.

They didn’t get to choose.

They didn’t get a chance to give it their best shot.

2. The distance was an enforced barrier

That reality meant that the distance between them wasn’t a decision that they’d made, it was a barrier enforced by circumstances.

The consequence is that the uncertainty already existing in the relationship got set into place, like it was pickled in aspic.

Having important life choices taken out of our hands is always distressing and demoralising. It makes you feel like you are not in charge of your fate, that forces are working against you, and that you are being robbed of opportunities you might have wanted to seize.

That’s a psychologically potent mix of emotions – anger, anxiety, fear, loss, insecurity, injustice – which stir up the subconscious and won’t give you peace. Depending on your personality, this could provoke different responses – from despair at the unfairness, to bloody-minded determination to fight back.

Or you might oscillate back and forth between these options, not knowing what you really want to do.

3. Purposeful action is difficult

Uncertainty that is outside of your control is hard to respond to purposefully. In Laura’s case, there are some grand actions that could theoretically be undertaken to try and resolve the situation, but they are high stakes and certainly impractical – her moving to his country, him applying for leave to return to hers, them getting married to tie their fates together.

To make a change as decisive as that you’ve got to both be sure that you really want the outcome.

In reality, they just wanted to see if things would work out long-term. They weren’t at the “our love will not be denied” stage of bonding, and busily planning the future together. It’s very hard at that point to make intelligent, purposeful choices about whether you should fight against the enforced separation and keep hope alive, or accept that this is the end of something that just didn’t work out.

But that indecision becomes another source of frustration and irritation. Your subconscious turmoil is not going to be calmed by inaction. You want to do something.

“Fatalistically let everything slowly unravel” is hardly an inspiring rallying cry.

4. A loose end in your life story

The subconscious mind – that part where limerence lives – thinks in stories. Stories have narrative momentum. They demand resolution, and hate loose ends. Love affairs are not supposed to just peter out.

This sense of unfinished business will nag at the subconscious. The inability to get closure is an irritant – especially when external circumstances caused the problem.

It’s like you don’t know how the story was supposed to end, because someone ripped out the last few pages of a book. Now, you have to try and imagine what it would have been.

Another factor here is how your past has shaped your own perception of your life narrative. If anxious attachment wounds lie in your past, this episode might become another painful abandonment story. If previous betrayals still haunt you, then LO getting a new girlfriend might damage your pride and trigger old insecurities.

The fact that you didn’t get to resolve the story yourself will set off your subconscious on an attempt to make sense of the narrative, based on your previous patterns and beliefs.

What to do?

Laura has actually already figured out what she wants to do. Intellectually, she can see that the relationship didn’t survive the separation, that LO is looking to move on, and that she wants the same for herself.

Unfortunately, limerence doesn’t listen to reason.

The challenge – as always with limerence – is getting your emotions to go along with your intellect.

I think there are two big steps that can help.

First, accept that closure is an illusion. Perfect endings don’t exist, and life is never a neat calculation of pluses and minuses. That frees you to find closure in making decisions by yourself. You have decided that this period of your romantic life is coming to an end and are going to take the necessary steps to make yourself well again.

The second step is to compose a new story to finally quiet the psychic itch of those loose ends. Laura gets to be the author of her own destiny, but if it were me, my rewriting would probably be something along the lines of:

This was the relationship that taught me about limerence, about the pain of uncertainty, and about my personal vulnerabilities. It was an important episode in my life, but the episode is over now. He and I are moving on, wiser, and toughened a little by fate. I’m glad I got to learn those lessons.

Placate your subconscious that the story does make sense, it isn’t unfinished – it just took a twist in the plot that you weren’t expecting at first. There is a logic to the narrative, and the experiences that you had.

And, most importantly of all, the journey is still ongoing, with many adventures ahead…

The post Case study: long distance limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

It’s another manifestation of the influence of limerence on strengthening “wanting” drives while simultaneously weakening executive control, which might be called limerence lunacy.

This is the phenomenon experienced in the middle of a limerence episode, when the limerent loses the ability to soundly process information and make sensible decisions. It isn’t the dark selfishness of knowingly indulging an addictive desire because you want a fix, it’s the scrambled thinking of someone drunk on ludicrous optimism.

A recent case in the UK provides a case study. It’s speculation on my part that limerence was a factor, but for those of us attuned to The Signs, I think they’re there.

One of the reasons it’s such an interesting case study for how limerence distorts your judgement, is because it involves a literal judge. Sir Marcus Smith.

A male High Court judge who expressed his love for a young female member of staff has received a reprimand for serious misconduct, the most serious sanction short of removal from office.

…the judge had passed a handwritten letter to a young woman member of staff, to whom he had previously confided and asked to go on walks with him, “referring to a number of personal matters and his feelings for her”. It stated that he loved the young woman and wanted to know her feelings in return.

Understandably, the woman involved – a junior co-worker – found this romantic overture distressing, and immediately requested that she no longer work with Sir Marcus. She also complained to the judicial conduct authorities, resulting in the reprimand. An open and shut case. 

However, Sir Marcus apparently still doesn’t understand what he did wrong – or feigns not to. His defence was that:

…the letter was “a poorly framed attempt to reach out to her for support and to discuss his problems with her”.

By declaring his love for her.

The judge nominated to investigate Sir Marcus was unimpressed by this defence, concluding that:

Sir Marcus “had shown little insight into why his actions were so wrong. He had not acknowledged the romantic aspect of the letter, focussing instead on his own circumstances and feelings”.

Obviously, we are not privy to all the circumstances of the case, but one of the reasons that I suspect limerence lunacy had a role in this case is the utter madness of Sir Marcus’ decision-making.

In the current era, it’s preposterous to think that declaring your love for someone who works for you is OK, or that doing so wouldn’t come with massive repercussions. It just doesn’t seem credible that someone intelligent and experienced enough to rise to the very top of the UK judiciary could think he could get away with “chancing his arm” and seeing if he might be able to cajole (or railroad) a younger woman into a relationship.

Of course, predatory men in positions of power have been abusing that power for, well, forever, but this doesn’t seem to be a classic case. The Harvey Weinstein’s of the world tend to be more conniving – insinuating that a young woman might get some advantage by doing him favours, or engineering circumstances to be alone, or exploiting insecurity about “how business is done” to make her doubt her judgement. This guy just came straight out with a written note declaring his feelings for all the world to see, and asking if she reciprocated. A total, all-or-nothing, Hail Mary romantic pass, with the wildly naïve hope it might result in a relationship. 

Sleazy predators don’t tend to write plaintive love notes. They are more Machiavellian. Predators are out for themselves, and wouldn’t jeopardise their status with something as guileless as leaving written evidence of their misconduct. They use strategic ambiguity.

To make the choice to declare your love to someone who is clearly not an appropriate match, over whom you have a duty of care, and who would make a self-evidently justified complaint about your conduct if it was unwelcome, you’d have to be pretty delusional about your chances.

And that’s where I see the signs of limerence lunacy.

It’s easy enough to conjure up a chain of “reasoning” that might make a limerent High Court judge decide to send that note.

• The time we spend together feels wonderful
• She’s so full of life
• I’ve never felt like this before
• She is wonderful and patient, and really seems to understand me when I talk about my problems
• I have to know how she feels, because this is the most golden opportunity I’ve ever had for bliss
• I’m only sharing my love, I’m not trying to pressure her into anything
• She can always say no, and I’ll be fine with that, I just want to know for sure

That’s the kind of fuzzy-headed, self-centred limerent thinking that could leave someone still focussing on their own feelings even after all the repercussions of putting a junior colleague in an impossibly uncomfortable position have landed.

Fundamentally, it’s the kind of thing you do when your objectivity is blown to smithereens by limerence, and the belief that if this feels special to you, it must be special, and therefore all those conventions designed to protect people against abuses of power don’t apply.

Outside the bubble of limerence lunacy, the actions are outrageous – the fact that the limerent is deluded enough to believe his intentions are pure is irrelevant, and no kind of defence against the damage that is done. Even when the bubble is burst by the reality of a professional reprimand, it only results in lost hope, wounded pride, and romantic confusion.

It’s this failure to process information soundly that I mean by limerence lunacy – losing the ability to step outside your emotional obsessions and see that you are acting like an irresponsible fool. The suspension of good judgement.

I’ll end by reasserting that I don’t know the details of the case, and Sir Marcus may not have suffered from limerence lunacy and is instead just a garden-variety creep. The abuser of power is an archetype, after all… but then so is the knight who destroys himself through the madness of lovesickness.

Although the harm done is similar, I’d argue that it’s important to be able to distinguish between the two motives when it comes to understanding causes, and designing protections.

Finally, of course, recognising the signs of limerence lunacy may also help to ensure that we don’t succumb to it ourselves.

The post The madness of limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

Help! I don’t know what to do! My girlfriend dumped me about a month ago but she has made it clear she still wants me to be her best friend.

Even that brief summary triggered a lot of emotions in me. Here’s how my thoughts raced:

• That’s an unbelievably selfish request
• But… maybe she has just realised that she loves Andrew in a non-romantic way, which is sad but not necessarily selfish
• It’s possible she’s trying to let him down gently from the breakup
• Or that she’s trying to assuage her guilt for dumping him
• Whatever. He should still just walk away
• That will be really hard if he’s still in love with her
• But it’s got to beat hanging around in agonising limbo

After working through those rapid-fire mental zigzags, I read on.

I have a long history of limerence and I fear my old habits are coming back. She has a history of people in her past abandoning her and I don’t want to be like everyone else, but I don’t know if I can do this again.

That triggered another avalanche of thoughts:

• If his limerence wasn’t resolved by the time of the breakup, it will flare up again with a vengeance
• If his limerence trigger is the rescue fantasy it will be even worse
• But, it will be hard for her to cope if he does distance himself
• Dammit! That’s my White Knight syndrome kicking in

I’ve come to learn that such rapid, varied and emotionally powerful responses to a limerence story means it’s tapping into something important. In this case, I suspect it’s the question of what a romantic relationship should be like.

The two tribes

I’ve written before about the different experiences of limerents and non-limerents when it comes to early love, and how they cause a tragedy of misunderstandings and mismatched expectations.

For a limerent, Andrew’s scenario is agony. The prospect of being emotionally intimate with an LO, but not in a romantic relationship, would be slow torture. You crave ecstatic union, they want to be your best friend. The more time you spend with them, the deeper the limerence will get. The more you give, the more they’ll affirm their affection for you, and the more you’ll want them. It’s not going to work.

From the perspective of a non-limerent, proposing a platonic friendship is much more rational. They were attracted to you, felt affection and affinity, and so tried out a relationship to see if it would develop into a stronger romantic attachment. Unfortunately, it didn’t. From this perspective, it’s sensible and honest to admit that the lack of spark means the best future is a close friendship that keeps the good connection alive.

Of course, we don’t know if Andrew’s ex is a non-limerent, but if she is, she won’t understand the implications of what she’s asking for from Andrew. She could be thinking “let’s keep the affectional bond, but look for romance elsewhere” with no notion that this would trap Andrew in limerence limbo.

Alternatively, there is a possibility that she is a limerent, and felt the glimmer and euphoria for Andrew early in the relationship, but the limerence high has now passed. With reciprocation and time the sparkles faded, and so she’s come to the conclusion that she is no longer in love with Andrew (because she’s no longer limerent for him).

In that case, her behaviour will doom her to serial limerence, as every relationship loses its early fireworks through the inevitable fading of limerent feelings.

Is it a reasonable request?

These mismatched expectations might explain the desire to remain best friends after breaking up with an ex, but is it a reasonable request? Ultimately, only the individuals involved can decide on that, but it is also useful to look at it from the perspective of a dispassionate observer. What would the average person on the street think of this scenario?

While received wisdom can sometimes be wrong, I’m sure most people would say that an emotionally intimate friendship between (heterosexual) men and women is a high risk scenario. This is especially true when there is an asymmetry in desire.

Even without the emotional hazards of their own complicated new relationship, if either Andrew or his ex want to have a new romantic relationship in the future, the new partner is bound to be suspicious of the old bond. “Why is your ex still around so much?” is an obvious and perfectly reasonable question for anyone to ask.

That reality means either having an argument about the new romantic partner’s suspicions, or finally breaking the bond between Andrew and his ex/LO if a new relationship starts. If that is actually the plan that she is working on, then it clearly isn’t reasonable. Not wanting to lose Andrew’s emotional support until she finds a new partner, at which point he would become expendable, is blatantly selfish.

Abandonment anxieties

OK, so I think it’s fair to assume that the average person on the street would counsel Andrew against remaining best friends with his ex, but Andrew knows her better than them. She has a history of abandonment anxiety and that adds an extra dimension to the situation.

No one compassionate wants to cause pain to someone they love. Knowing that your choice to detach would re-open old wounds for them, as well as damaging your own emotional stability, makes it harder to be decisive about taking action. It’s a natural impulse to protect the people you care about from distress.

Another complication is that limerence is wily, and the idea that you are staying connected to protect her from pain feeds into the rationalisation instinct that there are tangible, legitimate reasons for staying close to your LO. Maybe, subconsciously, your limerent brain is bargaining that you still have hope. Don’t give it all up yet.

Bundled all together, that’s a heavy weight in the scales. The desire to still be near LO, the secret hope that there might still be a chance to reignite the romance if you are patient enough, and the guilt that “abandoning” them will cause them trauma, is a hefty collective burden.

For someone who is used to expressing love through giving, it takes some steel to consciously put your own emotional needs ahead of theirs. 

What is the purposeful way forward?

So, we’ve worked through a lot of speculation and problem-identification, but what can Andrew practically do?

Well, a simple truth is that suppressing his romantic feelings to accommodate her abandonment anxieties would be psychologically harmful for him. It will trap him in a limbo of uncertainty and pain, and delay his chance of finding a new partner who is more romantically compatible. It will stifle his personal growth.

At the fundamental level, Andrew’s ex knows that he wants a romantic relationship because that is what they had. She might have now realised it isn’t working for her, but she can’t be naive about his feelings. They find themselves at a point where their needs are a mirror image of each other:

• She cannot give him romantic reciprocation, but wants to retain the platonic bond.
• He cannot give her a platonic bond, because he wants romantic reciprocation.

It’s sad. Life often is, regrettably. The purposeful response is to face this key incompatibility and accept it. Looking into the future, if Andrew (and his ex) want to have a significant romantic relationship they will have to find it with other people, and retaining the intimate “best friends” set up will work against that goal.

Given that reality, perhaps the most pressing issue for Andrew is: how can I move forward without causing her harm?

Well, given that they do have a history of emotional intimacy, it could be possible to discuss all of this openly – to try and understand what she is going through and communicate what he is going through. Try and figure out if she has ever experienced limerence and therefore which of the scenarios above (falling out of limerence or never having it at all) is most likely to explain her decision to end the romantic relationship .

Explain that your limerence pain would cause the same turmoil for you as her past abandonment pain has caused her. Be open about why you are making the choices you make. Self-awareness and honesty are at the heart of purposeful living, and give you the best chance of moving on without gaining psychological baggage that you’ll carry forwards into the next relationship.

You want to look back on this relationship as a noble failure, not as unfinished business or a source of regret.

Trying to suppress your desire and carry on the facade of a best friend works against that goal, and is ultimately bad for you both.

The post Case study: LO wants to be my best friend first appeared on Living with Limerence.

“I knew it was wrong but thought I could keep it separate from my home life with my husband and kids. I wanted to believe I could have a secret second life and it wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

She failed. Her husband found out when the affair partner sent explicit texts to Clara and he saw her phone.

“Since then I’ve ended the affair and recommitted to my marriage. I still have to work with my LO but try to avoid him at work. My husband has insisted that I don’t text him and I’m sticking to that but my LO is still pushing though and wants to restart the affair. The problem is I’ve tried all the tactics for limerence recovery and none of them work I read your book and it made sense but I can’t go no contact and the daymare method just make me feel anxious. I’ve already disclosed to my husband and am being honest but he is just angry and won’t talk about it. I keep trying to force myself to feel bad about LO but it doesn’t work and I can’t stop looking at his IG because I want to know what’s going on with him now. I don’t know what else to try and am feeling desperate.”

Clara’s case could almost be used as a Rorschach test for attitudes towards infidelity. Some people will read this short passage and condemn her unequivocally. Others will read it and declare her marriage dead. Still more will find fault with her snooping husband, and with monogamous marriage as an institution. When I received Clara’s message, I oscillated between compassion and irritation.

First, she is obviously suffering. In fact, everyone is suffering – such are the fruits of betrayal. Nevertheless, Clara is trapped in a mental prison of anguish that she can’t escape, even if she built it herself.

Second, Clara’s husband is also trapped in a hell of hypervigilance and insecurity, and has reacted by setting an ultimatum in order to try and impose some control on the situation. He might not be acting patiently and stoically, but that’s pretty understandable and, frankly, his needs take precedence right now if the marriage is going to be salvaged.

Third, there are kids involved and so any seismic decisions will change their lives forever too.

(Another rule of thumb about infidelity is that there is harm everywhere you look).

OK, back to practicalities. Is there any advice that can be offered? What can be done?

Time for some patented, LwL unsentimental compassion in big, bold letters:

You cannot recover from limerence if you don’t want to

Clara did not disclose to her husband; she was found out. She has not negotiated an open and mutual agreement about appropriate boundaries, she has followed the letter of the ultimatum (no texting) while clearly breaching the spirit (browsing Instagram). She has verbally recommitted to her marriage, but not actually made any serious effort to change her behaviour.

She is hanging in limerent limbo. It’s an outward performance of choosing her family but an inward reality of not wanting to let go of that illusory “second life”. She wants her family, but she also wants her affair. The decision to end it was forced onto her by circumstances; it did not originate in a personal, emotional transformation.

Her motives for trying the limerence recovery techniques were obligation and duty, not genuine remorse coupled to a hope for renewal. She thinks she should want to recover. That’s not the same as wanting to recover.

LO is still haunting her thoughts, and not as a grisly spectre that can be used to spur escape, but as a romantic spirit that she has been forcibly separated from, but who is still seeking her love.

Attempts to devalue LO have failed, and it’s hard to believe that it’s because he is too good to find flaws, given that he is obviously willing to undermine a family for his own sexual needs. More likely, it’s because of her resistance to spoiling the giddy, intoxicating memories by tainting them with negativity.

The best advice I have for Clara is this: start being honest with yourself. You need to face some of the painful truths that define your situation.

• Your “second life” is poisoning your family
• Commitment involves personal sacrifice
• You have to be honest with your husband about how you feel
• False agreements are worse than disagreements
• Half-hearted attempts to “recover” will train you into a pattern of failure

Fundamentally, it’s not possible to recover from limerence without adopting a recovery mindset. You have to honestly believe that your life will be better on the other side of limerence to escape its pull for good. Without addressing what made you psychologically vulnerable in the first place, it’s not likely that lasting change will be possible.

Psychological deprogramming techniques may work in shifting you out of the patterns of thought and behaviour that reinforce limerence for a while, but you’ll just slide right back into the old habits once you relax your discipline unless there is a positive drive carrying you towards a more purposeful life.

The resolution of Clara’s problems won’t come from finding a clever mental “hack” that tricks her brain into not wanting LO anymore – it lies in reaching some serious, sincere, and probably painful decisions about who she wants to be and what sort of life she wants to live.

Deprogramming is great for getting you out of the altered state of mind that defines limerence, but the lasting cure is purposeful living. There has to be some larger goal that you are working towards to carry you through the withdrawal pains – a positive vision of the future that is better than languishing in limerence limbo. Your feelings have to align with your thoughts. You have to believe that a life without LO will be better.

Without the choice to take control, to take action to make your life better, limerence will continue to decide your family’s fate. Freedom depends on developing a proper, deep understanding of who you are and what you need to thrive.

Until then, you’ll stay trapped by craving – outwardly protesting that you wish it would stop, but inwardly doing little more than weakly resisting, and secretly wanting to give in.

The post Case study: Nothing works… first appeared on Living with Limerence.

Here is the dilemma: Ashley recently moved back to her old state, and this allowed her to reconnect with an old friend who had stayed in touch with her through the years. He had a suggestion.

He wanted to start a Friends With Benefits relationship. He’s very casual about sex, because he had specifically grown his comfort towards that over the years, and I wanted to be like that too. I started hanging out him more and more, so we had sex more and more, but also got to know each other personally more and more. When I realized I had a crush on him, I told him, and he stopped being FWBs. While he genuinely likes me still as a friend, and didn’t want to cut off such a long friendship, he also was worried I was combining sex with emotion. He doesn’t want to have sex with people who think of him like that, unless he were to have a partner.

In the spirit of their initial agreement, Ashley accepted this change in the relationship status. But, there was a problem.

Him cutting off FWB status took him from crush to Limerent Object. It’s been over half a year, and it gets better sometimes, and worse other times. When I’m reminded of him having sex with other people, I get so jealous.

As a complicating factor, Ashley’s LO has a habit of collecting keepsakes from his lovers, and when she happened to see some of these it triggered intense anxiety. This is even more disconcerting for Ashley, as jealousy is an unwelcome and unfamiliar sensation.

Someone recently told me jealousy is when you feel like someone else is getting something that should be yours instead. But for me it’s like, I want other people to be sexual partners with him, I just want that to be me *too*.

The heart of the problem is that the rational decision to stop having recreational sex because of the development of an emotional connection has not stopped the feelings of attachment occurring. In fact, they’ve worsened into full-blown limerence. Ashley’s LO is part of her social circle, and so going no contact is undesirable and impractical – even more so, because it goes against the ethos of jealousy-free sex that Ashley, her friends, and her partners aspire to.

I’m just tired of spending what feels like half of my waking hours thinking about him in some capacity. It would be so much easier if he didn’t care about me, but he’s the kind of person who has a 100 friends and could tell you each of their life stories and knows how to comfort them. Maybe I just want to feel special, and can’t help but blend special and unique. But I feel very stuck, and would love advice.

The first thing I’ll note is that Ashley is in the opposite position to the majority of questions I get about polyamory. Usually, the scenario is that a limerent is in a monogamous relationship and wonders about opening it to accommodate their LO into their lives as an additional sexual partner. For Ashley, the problem is reversed – her LO became a sexual partner (with the consent of Ashley’s other partners), but is not willing to be anything other than a friend with benefits.

For monogamously married limerents, the hope is that consummating the limerent desire for their LO will satisfy the limerence. For Ashley, the limerence grew from that consummation – the combined intimacy of sex and emotional bonding. Clearly, then, some of the conventional devices that can help eliminate limerence have already failed. Consummation made it worse. No contact is impractical. Devaluation runs counter to her goals. Fundamentally, Ashley does not want to get away from her LO, she wants to either add him to her life as an additional partner, or desensitize her emotions and go back to a FWB set up. How realistic are those goals?

For the first option, it seems LO is not interested in becoming another partner in Ashley’s polycule. It’s not altogether clear from our correspondence, but it seems that LO is open to the idea of a conventional (presumably, monogamous) relationship with someone, at some point, but not now with Ashley. He also clearly has a lot of sexual partners, both male and female.

I’m going to be honest and admit that he strikes me as an emotionally avoidant extravert, and, quite frankly, a narcissist. His insistence that sex is conditional on emotional detachment is exacting and pre-meditated – as he had to intentionally “grow his comfort towards that” – but he also seems to conspicuously showcase his lovers. He’s communicating the idea that they are special to him, but they must not fall in love with him. A strange tension.

Regardless of LO’s foibles, he was open with Ashley about the terms of their relationship, and he has been equally transparent that he is not interested in becoming her partner. So, Ashley’s only real option going forwards is to try and re-establish a FWB setup, and suppress her limerent emotions. How realistic is that?

Sexual jealousy

Sexual jealousy is a complex emotion. At one level, as Ashley explained, it is about envy – you want something that other people have. If that was all that jealousy was, though, it would be a straightforward matter of self-discipline. The potency of the gut-wrenching, anxiety inducing, psychologically destabilising power of sexual jealousy suggests there is much more going on in the deep recesses of the mind.

Looked at from an evolutionary perspective, limerence is about pair-bonding. The desire for emotional and sexual communion with LO stems from fundamental drives – the combination of reward, arousal and bonding systems in the brain anchoring the euphoria of romantic highs to a specific person. At an intellectual level we can argue that if you have that connection, the fact that LO also has other sexual/romantic partners is immaterial. Sharing is caring. Unfortunately, the deep drives of pair bonding are not rational – at least, not at a human level (they do make sense from a reproductive fitness perspective).

Jealousy in the context of a pair-bond comes from fear of loss. The most important connection in your life might be in jeopardy if your mate is openly fraternizing with competitors. Their affections might get stolen away. You might lose their love. You might lose essential emotional and practical support. In our modern world we can see these fears as irrational, but we didn’t evolve in the modern world, we evolved in one where mate-loss could be catastrophic for survival of yourself and your offspring. That fear is visceral (and it also underlies the murderous anger of mate-guarding by males of many species).

Importantly, we don’t have the ability to will away these inherited drives. They bubble-up inconveniently while we are busy trying to organise our lives in the fashion that we want.

Emotional mismatches

This conflict between deep emotional drives and conscious decisions is at the root of a lot of romantic distress. One of the hardest challenges in life is balancing the potent emotional urges and instincts that compel us, against the rational decisions we make about how to live well. Sometimes this is a straightforward civilising effect – we overrule urges to rape, indulge vices, or ignore responsibilities because they cause long-term harm to others and ourselves. What’s more difficult are those choices where the outcomes are more nuanced or mixed. Where it’s not so obvious what the ethical choice is. Should we forsake others for fidelity to our marriage vows? Should we forgive infidelity in a remorseful partner? Should we be less sexually possessive? Should we leave a partner who’s broken our trust?

In Ashley’s specific case, she wants to be able to have bonding-free sex with LO, but her inconvenient feelings are spoiling the deal. Even worse, they also make her feel awful when LO withdraws. She’s caught in that worst of limerent traps: getting closer hurts, detaching hurts, staying in limbo hurts. The problem is figuring out what those different sources of pain mean, where they come from, which are the most tolerable, which could be lessened, and what would be the trade offs.

That brings us to the last major factor in navigating this emotional minefield: our own personal histories. As I’ve argued before our individual limerent “profiles” come from the operation of built-in neural systems that have been modified and sensitized by the circumstances of our own unique life stories. The neurobiology of person addiction is intrinsic, but who and what triggers it is decided by our formative romantic and sexual experiences.

Reading Ashley’s story as someone living a conventional, married life, I am struck by the psychological complexity of her situation. Many of the people in her life seem to have a complicated relationship with sex, which intersects in some cases with other anxiety and trauma experiences. Given that sensitive background, even the most sophisticated framework for ethical non-monogamy is going to eventually hit upon incompatibilities. The best efforts to accommodate everyone’s needs and vulnerabilities in an interdependent network of imperfect people can fail, and it often happens because someone has feelings that they don’t want to have – those situations where the heart does not do what the head wants.

That’s why, in the final analysis, I don’t think there is an obvious tactic that Ashley could use to rid herself of the limerence that is interfering with her life, while still remaining connected to LO. There are a lot of layers to the emotional mismatch between her head and heart – fundamental bonding drives, complex personal histories, loyalty to people and principles, and just stubborn, direct incompatibilities. It is very hard to have no-strings sex with someone you are limerent for. It is very hard to just be friends with someone you want to bond intimately with.

It comes, ultimately, to the fundamental heartache of unrequited limerence: we want something they can’t give.  

So, at the end, when Ashley asks for advice, I think the best I can manage is this: there is pain in every choice. You’ll have to pick one. Understanding the origin of that pain – fear, loss, insecurity, trauma, shame – cannot in itself get rid of the limerence, but it can certainly help to identify a possible path forwards, by clarifying what it is that you are (or are not) willing to give up.

LO has set strict terms for your deal. Can you accommodate them? Should you accommodate them? Sometimes, it isn’t possible to negotiate a compromise. Sometimes, loyalties are divided. Sometimes, you have to prioritise yourself.

If you have the resilience, figuring out where your pain is coming from can help you discriminate between these options, and help you understand which deep drives should be honoured and accepted, and which should be overruled. 

Good luck, Ashley.

The post Case study: polyamory and unwelcome limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

My husband changed personality over night. I don’t recognise him or any of what he is doing it is so out of character. 8 weeks ago he told me he didn’t know if he loved me or wanted to be with me.

Harriet is in crisis. Her husband became limerent for a co-worker who is also married with children, but more than a decade younger than him. Not unreasonably, Harriet reached her limits of patience and gave him an ultimatum.

So, he has left now due to me giving him an ultimatum, her or me, i.e. pack her in and come off social media, texts etc, or we are done.  He left saying he can’t he tried but can’t.

It didn’t work out how she hoped, but that is always a risk with an ultimatum. It forces an outcome. Now she is plagued by more uncertainty, and trapped in cycles of intrusive thoughts of her own:

I know I shouldn’t care but I do, I love him, I want him back, I want our life back. But if he is in this state could it even be fixed. I’m not even sure she wants him and I fear it will all end sadly and badly for all of us.

It hurts my head trying to think of why, how to fix it, was it me, why did he do it, etc etc. Is there anyway back for us? Am I wasting my time? Do I leave the door open for when limerence fades, will it fade? 

And somewhat ominously:

Will it happen again?

These are all very pertinent and important questions. To the spouse of someone caught up in a limerent affair, the altered mental state of limerence seems so obviously abnormal. It really does look like their partner has lost their mind, lost their judgement, and is suffering a temporary bout of madness.

Harriet can see the asymmetry in the attention her husband is bestowing on this other woman (married with young children), and is confounded by the fact that he has willingly abandoned his own family to take such an irrational chance on someone who is unavailable.

Consequently, the betrayed spouse naturally wonders: what will happen when the madness passes? Will they return to who they were? Is there any hope that, beyond limerence, we could repair the damage?

It’s obviously difficult to answer these questions, given the wide variety of human life and experience. There aren’t going to be a set of simple answers. I mean, there are some simple answers – “He’s a cheater, get rid!” “Marriage is a sacrament, you fight to the end!” – but the real, substantive answers are much harder to find.

The best that can be done is to figure out some of the key factors that influence the odds of reconciliation, and then try and judge as dispassionately as you can how recoverable the situation could be.

1. Respect

The most important factor in determining the prospects for a future life together is respect. If you have lost respect for your spouse, it is very difficult to recover. You may still love them, care for them, wish the old days could somehow be brought back, but once you’ve lost respect for them you will likely never feel the same quality of love as before.

It’s possible that they could regain your respect by a significant, impressive, transformative saga of personal redemption, but it won’t happen by them failing in the relationship with LO and crawling back to you filled with self pity. Moral weakness is unappealing, even if it is forgivable.

Similarly, if the limerent has brazenly or publicly disrespected their spouse, that will always be a definitive blow to the relationship. Again, it’s possible to conceive of a redemption arc, but it would still never completely wipe the memory of being so fundamentally and intimately betrayed.

A reasonable complaint at this point is that any affair, by definition, is monstrously disrespectful. While that is true, most people do see a significant difference between someone having a secretive affair outside of a sexless or dysfunctional marriage, and someone openly pursuing a new partner like a lovesick puppy, while devaluing and degrading their spouse. Neither are admirable, but the first is less destructive to respect.

2. Red lines

Everyone has their own red lines about what constitutes betrayal in a relationship. The only red lines that matter are those of the non-limerent spouse. Seriously, how could you honestly argue “you should be OK with me being limerent for someone else and pursuing them”?

That said, red lines should be applied to behaviour, not thoughts. “No more social media contact” – as Harriet had as part of her ultimatum – is a clear red line. If you spend time glued to your screen engaging with her when you should be with me, you’ve crossed a line. In contrast, “I can tell you’re thinking about her, stop it!” is not a standard you could reasonably hold someone to.

Similarly, opinions differ on the severity of an emotional affair. Some people think a close friendship with another man or woman is automatically suspect, others are laissez-faire if nothing physical is happening.

When it comes to predicting the hope of a future beyond the limerence, the number of red lines crossed will be an important factor. If the past has been characterised by the limerent spouse making no effort to constrain themselves or respect the boundaries articulated by their partner, then the odds are low that trust could be recovered.

3. Contrition

On that same theme, the mindset of the limerent does have an important bearing on the post-limerence outlook. If they are struggling with their feelings, trying to resist, expressing remorse for the pain they are causing, and generally in that dissonant state where their rational mind is trying to break through the addictive cravings, then there is cause for hope. Sometimes people do get caught up with manipulative, disordered LOs who cultivate their limerence and exploit their vulnerabilities. That can evolve to a position of “us against the problem” from which recovery is possible, rather than “pick me or her”.

In contrast, if the limerent is completely focused on their LO, makes a clear decision to pursue them at the expense of their spouse and family, and only comes back after the new relationship fails (or the limerent sparkles wear off) then there is little hope for reconciliation. It’s also more likely that the pattern will repeat in the future.

4. Purpose

The final factor is what the betrayed spouse wants out of life. Normal human psychology is that fear of loss carries greater emotional weight than potential future gain. We naturally feel more anxious about going backwards than standing still. We want to secure and maintain the current status quo before we go off exploring for potential new prizes.

That means that the urge to recover a lost partner can be more powerful than the hope for finding a hypothetical new partner. In the longer term, though, the calculation is different. A better future may lie in establishing cordiality with the old partner, but seeking renewal through an alternative relationship with someone who hasn’t damaged your trust and respect.

Again, this is all about balancing. An otherwise happy and successful marriage, shaken by limerence but not irrevocably damaged, has a potentially purposeful future. In contrast, a marriage where respect has been lost, red lines have been crossed, and little contrition has been shown is probably not worth salvaging. It’s more purposeful to confront the pain of loss and push through it, than to hope for a miraculous reversal.

Given all those points, I have to admit that it is hard to see grounds for hope in Harriet’s case. Her husband occasionally seems to come to his senses – to have moments of clarity when he regrets his decisions – but the addiction reasserts itself quickly and he is unable or unwilling to keep promises. Now that the ultimatum has passed, trust and respect are badly damaged – maybe beyond repair.

A more purposeful response is to look for alternative futures, with new goals, new connections and new relationships, rather than hoping that a reversion to the old husband she used to esteem could happen. It’s a lot to forgive and forget, and even if that future might be possible, it will probably anyway need to be on the other side of a personal transformation in Harriet’s life. Her best bet is to plan for her own growth, her self-directed renewal to a better future, independently of whatever her inconstant husband eventually decides.

Possibly a gloomy conclusion from me, but I’ve always preferred unsentimental compassion to false hope.

The post Case study: should I wait for my limerent husband to come to his senses? first appeared on Living with Limerence.

My husband of twelve years has been going through what I thought was a midlife crisis for the last six months, but I now believe is actually limerence. He has become obsessed with a woman he works with and declared that he loves her and isn’t sure he wants to stay married to me any more or stay living at home with our children. I’ve been going through a hard time with illness, but this just came out of nowhere and I don’t know what to do. I am trying to be understanding, but I can’t stop thinking about this other woman and wondering what she is like. Is she leading him on? Does she even know how he feels about her? Are they already having an affair?

My husband won’t say anything about her, and gets angry when I ask questions which makes me think that maybe it is all in his imagination and not real. I know I should be angry with him, but I just can’t stop resenting her for destroying my marriage and being this mysterious romantic woman who is obviously so much more attractive than me his boring wife.

As the overused phrase puts it: there’s a lot to unpack here.

First up, the dynamic of Ann’s relationship with her husband is obviously troubling. He is being deliberately uncommunicative, she is trying to be understanding. I do always try to bear in mind with these case studies that we’re only hearing one side of the story, but it’s hard to see much cause for optimism given the lopsided effort being put in here.

Ann’s husband has disclosed his feeling to her, but we don’t know if he has disclosed to LO. In fact, LO is a total black box mystery enigma. That’s almost certainly the reason why Ann is fixated on her as the shadowy woman who is directing events – not knowing what’s happening means that Ann is unable to make sense of her predicament. Is this LO a competitor who has to be fought, or is this an innocent third party and the real issue is her husband?

In fact, let’s short-circuit the analysis and just get to the point: the real issue is Ann’s secretive husband.

The only real hope for recovery after limerence rocks a marriage is if no “red lines” have been crossed (as defined by the spouse) and there is a sincere wish to repair the marriage from both sides. That requires a mental framing between the spouses of “us against the problem,” rather than “is it me or her you want?”

In Ann’s case, her husband is cutting her out of the information loop completely. He’s withholding about the situation with LO, he’s vague and non-committal about the future of their marriage and family, and is obviously just internalising the whole situation and sees it as his business to deal with.

The most charitable reading of this is that he doesn’t want to burden Ann with his problems, but his anger and refusal to communicate suggests it’s more an issue of wanting to keep this to himself.

But, none of this really helps Ann. She’s still going quietly mad with curiosity and confusion. What can be done to make sense of the situation?

The clearest perspective that can be achieved, I think, is to accept that the LO doesn’t matter. The situation certainly matters, and her conduct towards Ann’s husband may be a factor in the progression of his limerence, but at a fundamental level the LO is incidental to the fact that Ann’s husband shouldn’t be fraternising with anyone else if he is married.

The LO could be a manipulative, mate-poaching narcissist, she could be a totally innocent bystander, she could be enjoying the attention and so flirting with him, or any other intermediate scenario. None of that changes the basic outcome: Ann’s husband is not respecting her as his wife, not communicating with her, and not showing any signs of contrition. None of those problems are caused by the LO.

So, my advice to Ann is to accept that it is totally understandable and natural that the infuriating uncertainty is making you resentful, but the larger truth is that knowing the specific circumstances of the LO’s behaviour will not actually help resolve the emotional distress, or make your husband more cooperative.

Instead, I would suggest seeking support for yourself. You need an independent person who cares for you to help make sense of what you are going through, and discuss what your options are. This could be a trusted friend, or an individual therapist or counsellor. It’s also worth exploring why you are finding it hard to direct the resentment where it belongs (as you know deep down you should be more angry with him) and what that means about the dynamic in your marriage.

You could also download the free Anxiety to Action guide (link in sidebar, or on the resources page) which covers some practical steps you can take to improve communication with a resistant spouse and to look after yourself at a time when the person who is supposed to be looking after you has instead betrayed you.

Not much comfort to offer this week, other than trying to clarify where action needs to be taken. Hope it’s some help…

The post Case study: I resent my husband’s limerent object first appeared on Living with Limerence.

The glimmer hit at a work party, where this colleague (who is single) was chatting with Rachel and her husband. It happened quite suddenly:

I noticed he was looking at me intensely and thought to myself “ I think he likes me”. Later, he was with the group of guys, as I walked over to join them, I noticed that he had turned toward me and looked me straight in the eyes. Our eyes locked, he did not look away. That instant, he became my LO. 

What followed was a tumultuous time for Rachel. She rode the limerent wave for a month of euphoria, connected with her LO on social media, and revelled in the reinforcement and the excitement of her fantasy. Good while it lasted, perhaps, but with inescapable momentum the limerence progressed, soured, and then she began to doubt her marriage, her future and her decisions. That led to a low point, and a moment of decision:

I became profoundly sad, realizing how much SO really meant to me. I committed myself to SO and my marriage. 

Now, nearly a year later, Rachel remains committed, but somehow cannot escape the gravitational pull of LO. She has not disclosed her feelings to anyone, and so her husband continues to interact with LO as a colleague and friend – making total no contact impractical. While intellectually determined, Rachel finds herself unable to escape the limerence.

The problem is the relentless limerence. These constant thoughts about LO that won’t go away. I tried to make LO a villain, envision terrible outcomes with LO, forced myself to abort any reverie, psychoanalyzed myself but to no avail. 

So, that brings us to the ultimate problem: when the mental tactics of devaluing LO do not seem to work, and you occasionally hear about them through causal contact, how do you free yourself fully?

1. Tactics need a strategy

Using deprogramming methods to break the association between LO and reward can be very powerful, but there are some limits to their effectiveness. Rachel has tried this approach “to no avail”, but I suspect what this means is “I tried them, but am still limerent for him”. It might seem a quibble, but in her correspondence she talks about LO in a largely negative light, rather than as a dream partner, alternate life, or even an object of desire. That suggests that she is already a long way towards the recovery mindset, where LO is a problem to solve rather than a source of secret pleasure.

To be most effective, deprogramming tactics need to be part of a larger strategy. Limerence is a life-shock and you need a coordinated plan to recover from it. Aversion tactics like devaluation, ruining happy memories, etc. accelerate the process of overwriting the old reward training, but the overall strategy needs to involve understanding and disrupting the old routines and vulnerabilities that made you limerent, and building towards a new purposeful life that is more rewarding in itself and therefore saps the power from limerence as an emotional escape.

It’s a step by step process that involves understanding yourself, limiting contact, reversing the programming, and looking forward to a future of freedom. The tactics will help moment by moment, but need to be part of a larger plan.

2. Figure out what LO represents to you

A striking aspect of Rachel’s limerence experience is that it all started with a look. She had known LO a little before without being interested, but she started the spiral towards internal overwhelm immediately after getting the vibe that he was attracted to her. Apart from social media likes, there does not seem to have been much contact between Rachel and LO, or much opportunity to build intimacy, get to know each other at a personal level, or even flirt. That factor also robs the devaluation tactic of power, as there isn’t much real experience to work with.

The lack of genuine connection also suggests that the psychological vulnerability for Rachel was all internal. One of the maxims of LwL is that “limerence is happening in your head”. That principle is complicated somewhat if LO is predatory, or offers escape from an unhappy life, or if the limerent is single and actively seeking love, but in this case, it seems that LO (through a hint of interest) triggered something deep in Rachel about the desire to be desired.

An LO in this sort of scenario is not attractive for who they actually are, but for what they represent. We could speculate about a few common possibilities – midlife, fear of fading beauty, desire for romantic novelty – but ultimately only Rachel will be able to figure out what the real deep roots of the infatuation are.

An advantage of this situation is that, in principle, the “avatar” that LO represents can be uncoupled from the individual person that has triggered the glimmer. It won’t eliminate the hidden desire, but it makes it easier to mentally detach it from the specific person who happened to ignite it.

3. Resistance is admirable

Early limerence comes with astonishing highs. Unfortunately, they are matched by equally astonishing lows when it turns to person addiction. Once in that trap, the process of letting go of hope, grinding through the withdrawal pains, and weathering the intrusive thoughts, is debilitating. It can also be slow – especially if LO cannot be avoided altogether.

The pain of emotional loss is the cost of limerence, the flipside of the coin from the highs. That’s demoralising, especially as your limerent mind will be tempting you with the promise of ecstasy if you’d only seek more LO contact, but there is a simple way to resist: do not take action when you feel the craving. That is enough. If you set your mind to recovery, let the waves of limerence hit you and roll off, and stubbornly refuse to give in, the waters will calm eventually.

Bearing a burden has nobility. Resolving to recover doesn’t mean the pain of loss vanishes, it just means you reconcile yourself to labouring through it.

Take pride in your ability to resist and endure.

4. Look beyond the trials

You will get through this. There will come a time when you look back on this period of life and wonder wistfully “why did I lose my mind over that guy after so small a trigger?”

You want to be looking back from a position of happiness, glad that you passed through the limerence trial and emerged stronger. The hero emerging from the underworld having gained more wisdom and self-knowledge.

It does some good to visualise that future you now in the present, while you are still labouring to escape. She has your best interests at heart, is willing you on, and has overcome the monster (which was really an overlooked part of her all along). Imagine yourself as her. Know that is your future, and mentally begin the process of reaching forward in time to become her.

Having a positive vision of the future to work towards is an essential complement to the negative mental tricks of deprogramming the reward circuits. You have to have a reason to feel good about the effort needed to free yourself.

The post Case study: relentless limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.