Once the thrills of euphoria have given way to the lows of person addiction, you have all the negative consequences of cravings, intrusive thoughts, withdrawal pains, and the sense of being trapped in a compulsion you want to escape but don’t know how.

Eventually, with patience and determination, it is possible to get out of this state. However, even once we succeed in freeing ourselves from the mental state of limerence, it isn’t done serving us life lessons.

I recently had an email from a reader who has largely got over their limerent object but is still struggling to move on. Principally because of what they did while under the influence:

Are there exercises or ways to get over the shame and humiliation one feels when reminded of the things they did to get their LO’s attention especially after having been rejected?

It seems an especially mean phenomenon that intrusive thoughts about the LO can transform into intrusive thoughts about the humiliating behaviour we engaged in whilst limerence had dampened our judgement and self-respect.

The clarity of post-limerent thinking is welcome, but not if it comes with a huge dollop of guilt over what we did.

Is there a way to manage this, and recover some emotional harmony?

Guilt, shame and embarrassment

A good starting point is to recognise the difference between the closely aligned feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment.

A quick summary would be:

• Guilt = I did something bad
• Shame = I am a bad person
• Embarrassment = I did something foolish

Guilt usually comes from doing or saying something that you know is in conflict with your internal moral code. It is typically focused on believing your actions have caused pain to someone else, and that you want to atone for your actions to try and make things right.

Guilt in this sense is useful, because it comes naturally from within, is focused on deeds not identity, and is more like a moral debt than a character flaw. It’s the prick of your own conscience, not an external judgement.

Shame is different.

Shame is the feeling of being a flawed or worthless person. Shame often comes when other people criticise you for your actions, or suggest you should feel guilty over something that you don’t naturally feel guilty about.

Shame is often deep rooted, psychologically, due to childhood programming by over-critical, self-centred or emotionally withholding parents.

Shame is much less useful than guilt. It doesn’t help you identify what behaviours to avoid in the future, learn from mistakes, or help you align your actions to your internal moral compass. It just makes you feel bad about yourself.

Finally, the simplest to deal with is embarrassment.

Embarrassment comes from doing something that opens you to social ridicule rather than something that is morally wrong. It’s more about those hot flushes of cringe, when you fear that people will be laughing at you or think you’re pathetic.

Managing shame and embarrassment

Shame is a problem of self-esteem. It is corrosive and has little value. Shame is difficult to deal with, and can be complicated to even identify, as it can be masked as other emotions, like anger, anxiety or depression.

Really, the solution is to try and understand the origin of why you feel unworthy or inferior. This is probably most usefully done with the help of a therapist or mental health professional who can get to the root of your internalised beliefs and help you make sense of them.

In the short-term, one exercise to try is to analyse the situation as though you were responsible for judging someone else’s conduct. Detach your emotions from the situation and question it dispassionately.

To take the reader’s situation above, you might ask:

1. Is it shameful to feel limerent desire for someone else?
2. Is it shameful to be rejected by them?
3. Is it shameful to try to get their attention in an embarrassing way?
4. Is it shameful to continue to pursue them after rejection?

For me, the answers would be

1. No
2. No
3. No, but it is embarrassing.
4. It’s inconsiderate, but it’s not shameful (unless you didn’t respect their boundaries)

The key distinction is whether your actions caused harm to anyone other than yourself.

If you just behaved foolishly – like clumsily flirting, or getting drunk and making an exhibition of yourself – then the only thing wounded is your pride. In these cases the best remedy is to just… laugh along at what a fool you were.

Embarrassment is largely a problem of mental framing.

I always remember a line by Mr Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, when I embarrass myself:

For what do we live but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?

It helps remind me that everybody embarrasses themselves at some point. It’s just my turn.

Looked at from this perspective, embarrassment just means you’ve provided some free entertainment, and it’s really just a private pang of regret that you should have exercised more emotional continence.

That said, embarrassment can be more complicated if other people are affected.

It can, appropriately, lead to guilt if you caused pain or distress through your actions. Say, by harassing your LO after they made it clear they weren’t interested, or – in perhaps the commonest cause of limerence guilt – making romantic or sexual overtures to LO while in a committed relationship with someone else.

Managing guilt

Limerents do often act in an irresponsible way, for understandable reasons. In the throes of limerence, your self-control is compromised, but that isn’t any justification or mitigation for the harm done.

Guilt in this context is useful, because it correctly signals that you’ve done something at odds with your conscience. It comes with a big old rush of regret when you recover your senses and have to face what you’ve done.

You can’t undo or fix the past. It’s happened. That cold reality can be hard to accept, and regret can turn guilt toxic if it’s not managed well.

There are two big risks with mismanaging guilt.

First, it can transform into shame.

Second, it can get into a futile spiral of endlessly trying to make amends. People can get trapped in a process of seeking relief by repeatedly apologising, or confessing, or revisiting past mistakes.

Instead of finally dispelling their guilt, they just end up re-opening old wounds.

The imagined emotional closure from guilt-purging never comes. You just keep churning the silt.

So, how can you manage guilt effectively?

Well, the most important thing to do is figure out if there is a way to make amends, and the best way to do that is to try and put yourself into the shoes of the person that’s been wronged.

For example: if you feel guilty about coming on too strongly to an LO after they’d rejected you, the best way to make amends would probably be to leave them alone. Another in-person interaction to apologise or seek forgiveness would almost certainly just make them uncomfortable again, making the situation worse. An email or text with a short apology for your conduct might be OK, as long as you leave it at that and don’t take it as an opportunity to try and re-engage.

In the case of guilt about limerent behaviour that hurts someone other than the LO –say a spouse or long-term partner – making amends is about genuine contrition and rebuilding trust. In this case, there are some rules of thumb that can help:

1. Let them lead. They are the injured party and so should be able to express how they feel about the situation and if you can do anything to make it better.
2. Tell the truth. Now is not the time for reputation management. Being honest is the only hope of regaining trust.
3. Share consequential information. Lies of omission can damage trust too. Be sensitive, but share information that you know they would want to know. Your partner should be the best informed person about what happened.
4. Don’t try to offload the guilt. It’s not a burden they take on for you, by being a sounding board for all your regrets and anxieties.
5. Accept that you’ll probably never feel satisfied. Guilt doesn’t vanish through confession. The best you can hope for is that they feel better, and then you can be relieved that that’s some recompense.
6. Use it as an anchor memory for future limerence. Any time you are tempted to behave irresponsibility in the future, remember what guilt feels like and what it costs.

Limerence guilt can be productive if you use it to learn about your vulnerabilities, and to change the way you act in the future.

It’s a rare person that navigates through life without regrets.

Life humbles us, sometimes.

Take it with grace and do what you can to make amends.

The post Dealing with limerence guilt first appeared on Living with Limerence.

One of the best ways of managing the emotional assault of limerence is to work on understanding yourself. Work to increase your self-awareness, and self-esteem. To find direction.

That process of self-discovery increases your resilience and your ability to resist unwelcome limerence and make better choices.

This principle is at the heart of purposeful living – doing things intentionally and not just following your instincts deeper into the limerence pit of doom.

One of the best places to start is to consider whether you are acting with integrity.

Integrity, n.

1 Moral uprightness; honesty. 2 wholeness; soundness.

Concise OED 

How does integrity relate to limerence? I think both meanings are relevant.

The first relates to leading a purposeful life, and the second comes from protecting oneself from external stressors (such as LOs).

Let me expand.

1. Living with integrity

When faced with difficult, confusing or conflicting desires, it is easy to become paralysed by indecision. One reliable shortcut for making the right decision is to choose the option that is maintains your integrity.

This might not be the easiest option.

For example: when trying to choose between setting up a business selling hyped-up “nutritional supplements” or one selling exercise training programmes, you choose the latter because it doesn’t involve misleading people.

If choosing between deepening an emotional affair or going no contact with LO, you choose no contact.

If both options are ethically neutral then choose the one that is more likely to allow you to feel pride in yourself.

The choice of integrity does not mean being a prude, or killjoy. Integrity is also not the same thing as obedience.

If your boss asks you to do something distasteful or unscrupulous, it is appropriate to say no. Similarly, if you are offered a job by a competitor employer, it is not a sign of integrity to refuse because of the commitment you made to your current employer. In a transactional relationship, moving on or renegotiating is legitimate.

Where integrity may be strained would be accepting the new job without intending to do it, so you can leverage the offer against your current employer. Not illegal – not even unethical – and certainly advocated by many, but not a choice of high integrity.

Similarly in personal relationships, doing someone a favour because they are a friend is a fine principle, but if the friend is asking you to cover for them (providing an alibi for an affair, for example) then choose not to do it. No need to lecture the friend, just a simple “I am not willing to do that.”

Prioritising integrity is a great way to get started on purposeful living.

First, you can live with the knowledge that you are a decent human being, and you should not underestimate the impact that has on your psychological wellbeing.

Second, if consistently applied, other people will come to think of you as a person of integrity. Again, it is easy to underestimate the impact this has on your life. Trust is a hugely important aspect of all interpersonal relationships of value. Once lost, it is very hard to regain.

Third, it draws other decent people to you. If you role model integrity (simply by exhibiting it) then people that value the trait will be attracted to you.

It is one of the most reliable ways of excluding dodgy people from your life: make it clear from your actions and opinions that you do not cut corners, blur ethics, push boundaries, or lie to get what you want. This also plays out in romantic relationships – avoid the game playing and you will make players uncomfortable, and so cleverly select out the decent people that are worth bonding with.

A helpful consequence of this approach to life is that shady LOs will also be put off by your straightforwardness and honesty, saving you from becoming limerent for a git.

2. Integrity of self

The second meaning of integrity is also apt for living with limerence and living with purpose. Integrity as wholeness, without division or fracture, is another protection against the danger of unworthy LOs.

An intact self-image, resilient to external forces, is a stable state to aspire to, and a good guard against attempts to break down your confidence or self-belief. How does one cultivate this sort of integrity? Well, curiously enough, from practicing the first form of integrity.

We all of us have wounds. Past experiences that have undermined our confidence in ourselves, shaken our self-esteem, and led us to make poor decisions that we regret – often for a long time. Sometimes, these wounds are very deep and profound, and can be astonishingly hard to overcome at an emotional level.

Living with integrity can help with this.

Most of us have a fairly clear ethical and moral framework – even if we can’t necessarily articulate it well or deal with clever-clever “what if?” scenarios that exercise the philosophers.

For everyday choices, most people have a clear view of right and wrong:

Do not take the £20 note that the person in front of you just dropped – return it to them, even if they are ungrateful about it.

Do not string along someone who is attracted to you if you are not attracted to them.

Do not trick someone who is confused into doing something in your interests and against theirs.

Simple stuff.

Choosing to do the right thing does not take a lot of emotional energy. There is no need to deliberate for long. If you become conflicted, short-circuit the emotional confusion by choosing the course of integrity. You may not always benefit financially, or always outwit the conman, or “win” in some perceived game of oneupmanship against the rest of the world, but you will know that you have integrity.

That sense of confidence, wholeness and satisfaction with who you are, comes from action – deliberate, purposeful action – not from words or thoughts. Or from other people.

This is a mistake that a lot of limerents make: if only they can fuse with LO then at last they will have purpose and self-confidence because at last they will have affirmation of their value – from their beloved LO. But it’s a fool’s errand, because if you rely on other people for your self-confidence they can undermine it just as easily as bolster it.

The only safe way to build self-confidence, to build integrity against emotional attack, is to consistently act in a way that your subconscious mind will know is the principled and morally-sound choice.

After adopting that method as a life choice, slowly but surely you will  program yourself to do it from habit, and the foundation of self-esteem (true self-esteem based on actually being someone admirable) is laid.

So, integrity. One meaning flows from the other, and both can protect you against the vagaries of an LO’s behaviour.

The post Integrity first appeared on Living with Limerence.

Lots of people are struggling with limerence.

Understandable, really, given that addiction to another person has a hugely disruptive effect on life.

Unfortunately, I am but one person, and so can’t keep up with the volume of queries I receive.

That can be demoralising – both for the person who doesn’t receive a reply, and for me, because I hate the feeling of letting people down.

So, I had an idea.

I’m going to do a long-form YouTube video where I answer the biggest questions that people have about limerence, and try and work through the issues that come up again and again.

So, this post is the invitation for anyone who is reading and has a problem in mind. Use the comment section below to put your question forwards for consideration.

Or to make suggestions from problems you’ve seen a lot in the comments of other posts.

You can use any username you like, and I’ll use that in the video (unless you are silly and use a name like “Hugh Mungus” or something).

If you are reading the comments and see that someone has asked a question that you would also like answered, then please reply to that question with a thumbs-up, or “me too” or similar. That will give me a sense of how common each issue is, and so which would be the most widely applicable and useful to answer.

When we have a good bank of questions, I’ll sort them into themes and then plan out the video.

Now, obviously, this plan depends on some commenting discipline. Please don’t fill up the comments section with general chat (that’s what the coffeehouse is for).

Talking about the problems raised is obviously fine, but I’ll delete any off topic stuff when I see it.

Let’s keep this one clear for those who have specific problems they want help with.

I may also draw on emails and contact form submissions, so if you’d prefer to email me directly, then use the contact page, and put in the note that you’d like the issue to be considered for the YouTube review.

Thanks all!

The post Tell me your biggest limerence problems first appeared on Living with Limerence.

It’s not an easy thing to abstain from bliss.

For limerents in a long-term relationship who are suddenly struck by limerence for someone new, the neurochemical high from early limerence is intoxicating. A common way that they cope with this temptation is to tell themselves some variation on the theme of:

It’s alright, I know nothing is really going to happen.

The “thinking” behind this is that you know there is a line that you won’t cross, and so it’s OK to indulge the flirting and fantasising a bit. Just a sip of liquor to give you a nice glow. Ride the wave for a while, to liven things up. Who knows, it might even invigorate your long-term relationship by boosting your libido a bit?

Another way this impulse can manifest is as a compartmentalisation of life. When you are with LO (at work, college, gym, etc.) then you are that version of yourself, but when you are at home, you are totally committed to the relationship and have left all those limerent indulgences behind. Bubble world. 

Laid out like this, it’s kind of obvious how self-serving and delusional this is. Under the mind-altering influence of limerence, however, your critical faculties are too busy rationalising why it’s fine to carry on, to notice the self-evident fact – you are playing with fire. 

In actual fact, it’s worse than that. You are playing with your psychological health. 

The limerence training regimen

I talk a lot about the power of habits, and how much of our lives is actually governed by them. Well, one important aspect of habits is that they form. They take time to develop, through repetitive actions, and we often don’t realise that it’s happening. Slowly, through our choices and actions, we are subconsciously programming ourselves.

When it comes to limerence, there is a master script being written: when I am with LO, or daydreaming about LO, I feel really good. LO is super rewarding. 

The neural circuits regulating reward are an ancient and deep seated part of our brains, and control one of the most powerful forms of motivated behaviour that we have: when we identify something rewarding we seek more of it. So, by indulging in even compartmentalised or demarcated access to LO, we are training our brains into a new habit. Seek LO. 

After a while, that reward-seeking habit becomes our default setting. The urge to seek LO kicks in before we are consciously aware of it, and before we even realise what we’ve done, we’re addicted. 

Habits are hard to break

That leads to the next big problem. You’ve been riding the wave for a while now, surfing the peak, trying not to wipe out, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious that the wave is more powerful than you are. That is when you learn that the line you were so sure you would not cross is rushing towards you.

So, time to break away from the current and paddle back to safety?

Turns out, you’ve left it too late.

For the vast majority of limerents, there is no simple off switch. The habit that you’ve trained yourself into is stubborn. Trying to detach will cause emotional pain. You will encounter profound psychological resistance whenever you make an attempt to distance yourself from LO. As with any other addiction, withdrawal is a struggle, and deprogramming yourself is slow and careful work.

You need to have a good understanding of the psychology of behavioural change, and you need to take strategic action to reverse the reward-training – just winging it and hoping that the limerence will just fade away is likely to go as well as your brilliant “playing with fire” plan.

All that time indulging in limerent thrills was building up a mental debt. It takes time and discipline to pay it off. 

Doubts creep in

Faced with the scenario of accidentally training yourself into infatuation with another person, most limerents also find that their previous confidence that nothing is really going to happen begins to falter. Old certainties about what kind of person you are, what future you want, and what love really means, begin to crumble. After all, it is true that when you are with LO you feel giddy and excited (even if that’s starting to be tainted with anxiety and compulsions), whereas when you are with your long-term partner you feel guilt-ridden, short-tempered and ashamed.

This is the risky point at which devaluation of the relationship begins, and the journey past the tipping points of a limerent affair speeds up.  

As the marriage therapist Joe Beam once observed: the old insult “you’re not the man I first met” at the end of a limerent affair can be literally true, if you have coped with the cognitive dissonance of breaking your promises by breaking your moral compass.   

Compartmentalisation is unhealthy

Finally, the mental gymnastics involved in segregating your mind into different personalities when you are with LO or with SO comes with another cost – the price of your self-identity and mental coherence. 

At an extreme end, this can lead to a dissociative disorder, but even just the everyday discomfort of pretending to be someone you are not erodes your sense of self and your self-esteem. Not many people can  go through life lying to themselves and others without some psychological harm. 

This is basically the opposite of purposeful living. It’s faking life. At best you can try to retain your true self deep inside, while presenting an avatar to the world that says things you know to be untrue. For most people, though, keeping that up for long enough leads to a profound demoralisation and self-loathing.

It’s common that when affairs are finally revealed, the cheater expresses relief – even though their shameful secret is out and wrecking havoc on the people they betrayed, the lifting of the burden of their own dishonesty is a liberation. 

That tells you how big the burden of self-deception had become, and how misguided it was to believe you could play with fire and not get burned.

For those who are in the early stages of this fire-seeking temptation, pay heed to the painful lessons of those who’ve been burned, and put the matches away.

For those deep in the trap, there is help if you are ready to start the labour of deprogramming.

The post Playing with fire first appeared on Living with Limerence.

I’ve written lots of blog posts about this over the years, covering different details and different perspectives, but one thing I’ve learned from the uptick in publicity around the publication of my book is that journalists have not been able to find a straightforward, comprehensive “how to recover” article on the site.

So, I wrote it.

This is a full articulation of the recovery philosophy at LwL, how it works, and what it’s designed to achieve. Probably about time I updated things with all the extra knowledge gained over the years.

I’m also going to turn this into a YouTube video over the next few days, so it’s available at both sites.

So, if anyone in your life is suffering with limerence, this is the page to direct them to for help!

And, if anyone has any suggestions for gaps or improvements, let me know in the comments below…

The post A comprehensive guide to limerence recovery first appeared on Living with Limerence.

This week’s YouTube video is all about finding solace in times of romantic distress, by reframing what limerence is and what it means for your life.

Although it’s only the first stage of limerence recovery, getting into the recovery mindset is a huge step forwards.

The essence of purposeful living is letting go of excuses, accepting that limerence limbo is a no win situation, and deciding to take control of your future.

It’s all about trying to redirect the enormous energy of limerence – both the mania and the misery – into personal transformation instead. Like all addictions, there comes a point where you are so deep in the hole that your only option is to stop digging and climb towards the light.

To anyone reading who is in their own private limerence prison today, know that there are ways to escape. Lots of people here, including me, have been where you are and freed themselves. As the saying goes:

Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside

Valentine’s Day can be tough if you’re trapped in limerence. Use it as the excuse you need to start working on your escape plan.

The post Valentine’s day limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

Here’s the dilemma from reader Laura:

LO and I were in a relationship for two years, although on and off. There were some problems, but we were aware of this and communicated openly and were vulnerable about it.

Unfortunately, he had to return to his home country and that’s when he became an LO for me. It was horrible, impossible to escape. We pushed and pulled each other for a year and a half. Wanted to break up because things were in general not working out, but we just repeatedly couldn’t. So we added a bunch of uncertainty on top of it all ourselves.

After wrestling with this limbo state for a while, Laura came to realise that the long distance limerence was not going to resolve itself. Eventually, they admitted defeat.

We are now separated but the physical distance still plays a part in my LE. He has another girlfriend now, but even this is not enough for me to feel there is no chance. Secretly I still feel that what we had was special and that if the distance wasn’t there all would be different.

So, despite the best attempts to make it work, and despite recognising that they were fighting a slow defeat, Laura’s limerence has not gone away. Even though she is clear in her mind that she wants to “recover and grow for herself”.

I don’t think that Laura is looking for advice about the relationship, and she wisely doesn’t want to get caught up in psychoanalysing the behaviour of her LO. Instead:

I would love to read about how doing long distance, without a clear finish line, can add to the limerence.

That last comment about “no clear finish line” is probably the heart of this story. The thread throughout all of Laura’s experience is uncertainty. I’ve written before about how it may be the limerent’s Achilles’ heel, and long-distance limerence is an ideal scenario for triggering it. Almost every aspect of the situation will exacerbate limerence. It’s like a terrible perfect storm.

Let’s work through some of the worst ways that distance can amplify limerence.

1. The relationship was already uncertain

From Laura’s account, it seems that the relationship with LO was already somewhat uncertain, even before separation triggered a worsening of her limerence pain.

This uncertainty could have been the usual ups and down of different expectations around what love should feel like, or clashes of attachment style or any of the many other possible incompatibilities that make the path of love rocky.

Alternatively, the problems may have been more serious, and the relationship might not have ended up being viable in the long-term. As I put it before, sometimes love takes work, but it shouldn’t be a labour of Hercules. Sometimes it is wise to give up.

The crucial factor in Laura’s case, though, is that she didn’t get to find out naturally. There was no opportunity to properly resolve any issues they were facing as a couple, before he had to move away.

They didn’t get to choose.

They didn’t get a chance to give it their best shot.

2. The distance was an enforced barrier

That reality meant that the distance between them wasn’t a decision that they’d made, it was a barrier enforced by circumstances.

The consequence is that the uncertainty already existing in the relationship got set into place, like it was pickled in aspic.

Having important life choices taken out of our hands is always distressing and demoralising. It makes you feel like you are not in charge of your fate, that forces are working against you, and that you are being robbed of opportunities you might have wanted to seize.

That’s a psychologically potent mix of emotions – anger, anxiety, fear, loss, insecurity, injustice – which stir up the subconscious and won’t give you peace. Depending on your personality, this could provoke different responses – from despair at the unfairness, to bloody-minded determination to fight back.

Or you might oscillate back and forth between these options, not knowing what you really want to do.

3. Purposeful action is difficult

Uncertainty that is outside of your control is hard to respond to purposefully. In Laura’s case, there are some grand actions that could theoretically be undertaken to try and resolve the situation, but they are high stakes and certainly impractical – her moving to his country, him applying for leave to return to hers, them getting married to tie their fates together.

To make a change as decisive as that you’ve got to both be sure that you really want the outcome.

In reality, they just wanted to see if things would work out long-term. They weren’t at the “our love will not be denied” stage of bonding, and busily planning the future together. It’s very hard at that point to make intelligent, purposeful choices about whether you should fight against the enforced separation and keep hope alive, or accept that this is the end of something that just didn’t work out.

But that indecision becomes another source of frustration and irritation. Your subconscious turmoil is not going to be calmed by inaction. You want to do something.

“Fatalistically let everything slowly unravel” is hardly an inspiring rallying cry.

4. A loose end in your life story

The subconscious mind – that part where limerence lives – thinks in stories. Stories have narrative momentum. They demand resolution, and hate loose ends. Love affairs are not supposed to just peter out.

This sense of unfinished business will nag at the subconscious. The inability to get closure is an irritant – especially when external circumstances caused the problem.

It’s like you don’t know how the story was supposed to end, because someone ripped out the last few pages of a book. Now, you have to try and imagine what it would have been.

Another factor here is how your past has shaped your own perception of your life narrative. If anxious attachment wounds lie in your past, this episode might become another painful abandonment story. If previous betrayals still haunt you, then LO getting a new girlfriend might damage your pride and trigger old insecurities.

The fact that you didn’t get to resolve the story yourself will set off your subconscious on an attempt to make sense of the narrative, based on your previous patterns and beliefs.

What to do?

Laura has actually already figured out what she wants to do. Intellectually, she can see that the relationship didn’t survive the separation, that LO is looking to move on, and that she wants the same for herself.

Unfortunately, limerence doesn’t listen to reason.

The challenge – as always with limerence – is getting your emotions to go along with your intellect.

I think there are two big steps that can help.

First, accept that closure is an illusion. Perfect endings don’t exist, and life is never a neat calculation of pluses and minuses. That frees you to find closure in making decisions by yourself. You have decided that this period of your romantic life is coming to an end and are going to take the necessary steps to make yourself well again.

The second step is to compose a new story to finally quiet the psychic itch of those loose ends. Laura gets to be the author of her own destiny, but if it were me, my rewriting would probably be something along the lines of:

This was the relationship that taught me about limerence, about the pain of uncertainty, and about my personal vulnerabilities. It was an important episode in my life, but the episode is over now. He and I are moving on, wiser, and toughened a little by fate. I’m glad I got to learn those lessons.

Placate your subconscious that the story does make sense, it isn’t unfinished – it just took a twist in the plot that you weren’t expecting at first. There is a logic to the narrative, and the experiences that you had.

And, most importantly of all, the journey is still ongoing, with many adventures ahead…

The post Case study: long distance limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

The perfect time for a visit to a seasonal coffee shop.

This week I have been mostly reflecting on how much harder video editing is than I expected. Nevertheless, the first proper video is now live on the YouTube channel – and appropriately titled “What is limerence?”

It’s been a good experience going back to the fundamentals. It’s an opportunity to revisit the key concepts of limerence, but with nearly eight years more learning and thinking under my belt. A chance to update old ideas and add more depth, and a new polish.

Right, back to the important business of chit-chat.

New year renewal

The Christmas break is often a turbulent time for those going through a bad bout of limerence. For many people it means forced separation from their limerent object, which can be a good and/or bad thing.

If you are single, it can be a lonely time, and drive home the fact that the LO is not available for comfort and joy.

If you are in a relationship, no contact with the LO can have several possible consequences – the clarity of distance might help weaken the pull of a toxic LO, the pain of withdrawal might cause resentment with the partner, or guilt about the betrayal of missing someone else might make you miserable company.

If you have a family… well, Christmas is all about family and so the contrast between social events and a private limerence habit that you are keeping secret, can be stark. Maintaining a façade is exhausting and deranging.

Emotions are heightened whenever social and cultural pressures work against the hyperactive drive of reward-seeking that is limerence. It can be harder than ever to manage the person addiction.

So the opener for discussions this time around is in fact a shout-out of solidarity to anyone struggling with limerence this holiday season.

It’s a miserable feeling to choke down secret pain when everyone around you is focused on joy and making merry. But you can use that misery as fuel for recovery.

The year is about to renew again, and that can be a perfect moment to begin your own renewal, and escape the limerence trap.

It’s the time of resolutions, and what better purpose than to resolve to escape?

Others have been through it, and come out stronger. You can too.

If you find yourself riven with pain, know that there are people who understand, and who are willing you on to rise, phoenix-like, from the limerence fire, and begin the personal, purposeful transformation that leads to freedom.

It feels great, and it lasts.

The post Coffeehouse: Christmas limerence first appeared on Living with Limerence.

Limerence is an altered state of mind. That means its ultimate origins must lie in the brain.

When Dorothy Tennov first defined limerence, she came up with a set of symptoms that can be used to identify that altered mental state of intense romantic infatuation (if you’re curious about whether you fit the description, there’s a quiz you can take here). Whilst this list of symptoms is useful for defining the experience of being “in limerence”, from the perspective of a neuroscientist, it looks a lot like an addiction.

Limerence comes with euphoric highs and crushing lows. There are intense cravings, disruption of everyday routines, habitual behaviour, and a reorganisation of life once contact with the limerent object (LO) becomes your central goal. Your mood is destabilised – bliss when you are getting your fix, panic when it seems like your LO is not interested in you romantically. Thoughts and daydreams can start off delightful and intoxicating, but become obsessive.

The progression of limerence mirrors the path of an addiction too. Early on it’s all fireworks and reward, but as time goes on it begins to turn darker – the neurochemical high diminishes, and you need an escalating stimulus to get the same pleasure. That often prompts the limerent into taking more risks, being less cautious, pushing harder at emotional boundaries, and oversharing their secrets and dreams to try and get ever closer and more intimate. Ultimately, there usually comes a realisation that limerence has become detrimental to your life, but you also know you can’t give LO up without significant withdrawal pains. Heads you lose, tails you really lose.

Then there are the other ways that limerents can behave like addicts: lying about their conduct and their motives, concealing their limerence habit, being secretive.

The parallels are obvious, but is it fair to go beyond analogy and claim that limerence is actually a behavioural addiction?

The neuroscience of addiction

Most of what we know about addiction comes from the study of drugs of abuse – heroin, cocaine, alcohol, and so on. Although the details of the mechanisms of action vary from drug to drug (and from person to person – our propensity to become addicted to a given drug depends on our individual physiology), the broad principle is the same in all cases.

The brain’s reward system becomes “sensitized” to seeking the drug that it has learned is so pleasurable, while the executive brain’s feedback control – which should moderate reward-seeking behaviour – becomes desensitized.

It’s flooring the gas while releasing the brake.

Some drugs (like heroin and cannabis) work by overactivating the pleasure centres of the brain (the hedonic hotspots that make us “like” things), others like cocaine and amphetamine overactivate the motivation and arousal systems, making us want the reward with intense craving. I’ve discussed this key distinction between wanting and liking a few times before, and it’s central to addiction.

You could simplify addiction down to irresistible wanting, and that’s actually a pretty good description of the underlying neuroscience. Later on, things get a bit more complex with tolerance, dependency and antireward, but let’s not get too bogged down in the details.

An important point about drugs of abuse, though, is that they directly disrupt the biochemistry of the brain. They activate receptors or block clearance mechanisms, and disrupt the levels of dopamine, noradrenaline, serotonin, endorphins and endocannabinoids in key brain regions that regulate all those reward-seeking behaviours. You’re literally screwing with the circuitry.

That can’t be happening in limerence. Taking a stimulant deranges the proper functioning of the brain, and so it’s easy to see how that could cause long term changes in the circuits that lead to addiction. For limerence, the process is entirely psychological. There is no pharmacological element.

Behavioural addictions

This distinction between chemical and behavioural addiction has long been a point of controversy in the research community. It’s known that there is a major psychological component to addictive behaviour – the environment and paraphernalia associated with drug taking can cause powerful craving – but the concept of a purely behavioural addiction has prompted a lot of debate over the years.

My reading of that debate is that it is increasingly leaning toward accepting the validity of behavioural addictions. The term “process addiction” is increasingly being used to capture the idea that it is possible to become addicted to the feelings caused by an experience rather than a substance, and that the neurobiological basis is essentially the same.

The best studied examples are probably gambling addiction and shopping addiction, but recent social and technological changes have caused other persuasive candidates to emerge: pornography addiction, social media addiction, gaming addiction, exercise addiction.

Again, the neurochemical basis of these addictions is progressive sensitization of the wanting drive and weakening of executive feedback control. The same fundamental changes occur in the brain, even though the driving force is reinforcement of behavioural habits rather than drug-induced disruption of physiology.

Limerence as person addiction

These advances in our understanding of how psychological stimuli can be sufficient to cause reward dysregulation suggest limerence could fit within an addiction framework, but what exactly is it that limerents become addicted to?

Sex addiction and love addiction are obvious parallel phenomena, but while there is some overlap, there are also fundamental differences that make limerence seem to be a separate category. In particular, those other addictions are focussed more on the compulsive behaviour than the other party (or parties) involved.

Sex addiction involves compulsively seeking physical gratification, even after it stops being gratifying. The partner is a secondary concern. Similarly, love addiction involves seeking the giddy feeling of falling in love, but the object of that love is not as important as the romantic ideal.

Neither of these conditions capture the central quality of limerence: feeling desperately drawn to another person, entering an altered state of mind of romantic intoxication, and wanting to form a uniquely special bond with them.

That’s the most important point. As David Perl puts it at limerence.net: “limerence is addiction to a person.” That really crystallises the phenomenon: addiction to another person. LO is the drug. It’s not romantic love or sex per se that is craved, it’s them, specifically. It has a nice clarity of focus; good explanatory power.

For whatever reason – whatever combination of your own emotional state and unmet needs and their particular recipe of personality traits – the company of this person gives you an emotional and physiological high. You seek reward until addiction has set in, and then your behaviour becomes erratic and irrational, and withdrawal becomes painful.

Limerence recovery

The “LO is a drug” perspective also helps make sense of how to manage limerence. You are probably not going to be able to be friends with your LO, just like an alcoholic will never be able to be a social drinker.

This is especially true if your LO is manipulative or narcissistic or limerent for you too, because those guys will be enablers. They’ll be your drinking buddies, egging you on, telling you how boring you’ve become since you stopped hanging out so much, or how much they miss you – and can’t we just go back to how things were before you got so uptight?

Friendship will be impractical, but there are strategies and tactics for recovering from behavioural addictions, and limerence is no exception. While limiting contact is going to be a key part of that plan, it’s not necessary to go cold turkey. There are ways to manage contact, and ways to deprogram yourself out of the altered state of mind.

To return to my perennial theme: your road out of any behavioural addiction is self-awareness, honesty, and the determination to live a purposeful life. The same principles apply for limerence.

Act decisively, and work towards the future you want to live.

The post Person addiction first appeared on Living with Limerence.

You, know. The small stuff.

A consequence of this powerful desire for closeness is that limerents often rush to entangle their lives with their limerent object as quickly as possible. It makes sense – you crave closeness, and so enthusiastically embrace any opportunity to get to know them better and spend more time with them. You want to involve them in your life, and you want to build shared experiences, shared endeavours, shared memories.

Unfortunately, there are downsides, and the rush to entanglement is a great example of how the early exhilaration of limerence can lead to later regrets. It’s another case of the total mental capture of limerence compromising good judgement.

Let’s work through some of the main ways that limerents instinctively seek entanglement and what can be done to mitigate the bad consequences.

Emotional entanglement

The first and most obvious form of entanglement is emotional. Many limerents have an overwhelming urge to share their thoughts, hopes and dreams with their limerent object. They overshare.

This impulse to overshare is usually motivated by a desire to form intimacy – to establish a relationship that goes beyond the utility of conventional friendship and involves real, personal connection. You want to know everything about them and you want them to know everything about you. You want to be “seen” by LO and understood as you really are, not just interacted with at a cordial but superficial level.

If the LO responds (as people often do) by sharing intimacies of their own, then that can feel like sweet, sweet reciprocation to the limerent, and encourage even more emotional entanglement.

A problem with this approach is that early limerence is often a time of insecurity and what might be called a destabilised identity. Many limerents will reshape themselves in a bid to become the person they think the LO most desires. So, they are trying to simultaneously build closeness, while being somewhat guarded about their true beliefs and identity in case it risks putting off the LO. They try to build intimacy while also keeping their options open a bit, just in case their true inner self isn’t quite what the LO was looking for. Quite the juggling act.

Another form that emotional entanglement can take is trying to help LO solve their problems. Perhaps they need practical support, like moving house or fixing a car – and you are the first to volunteer. Perhaps they need emotional support, and you are the listening ear. Perhaps they have more material needs and you help them out financially, or give them generous gifts.

Limerents tend to impulsively seek opportunities to embroil themselves in their LO’s everyday affairs, building rapport, building trust, maybe hoping that gratitude might lead to affection.

Fundamentally, the desire for emotional entanglement is a desire to justify the special connection that the limerent feels for their LO.

Mental entanglement

A closely related form of entanglement occurs within the mind of the limerent. The LO takes up residence in their imagination and begins to influence almost every aspect of the limerent’s thought processes. Examples of this phenomenon would be a limerent adopting the opinions of their LO, even if they run counter to previously long-held beliefs. We had an interesting discussion about limerence for people with opposing political beliefs a while ago, but it could be much less significant – things like adapting your tastes in music, food and drink, and entertainment. This is fairly benign, and could even be beneficial if it ends in you becoming open to new experiences that are enriching.

In more severe cases, though, this mental entanglement can lead to the limerent seemingly absorbing the LO’s personality. Adopting their quirky mannerisms or turns of phrase, retelling their jokes, pursuing their passions or hobbies, or visiting places that are connected to the LO in some way – literally haunting their footsteps in the hopes of somehow getting psychically or spiritually entangled.

Social media is a powerful force for facilitating this tendency to “mirror” the LO. It’s an online database of their opinions, beliefs, experiences and history; a perfect tool for total immersion.

One way that this mental entanglement manifests is that everything you experience makes you think of LO. The default mode of your brain becomes “how does this relate to LO”? You develop conversational monomania – all your anecdotes involve them, all your ideas spring from experiences you’ve had with them, it’s the only thing you want to talk about.

Many limerents become adept at masking this monomania, of course (especially if there are barriers to forming a bond with LO), but attentive people will spot it.

Professional entanglement

A third vector for entanglement is professional life. This is a special case of when the LO is a co-worker.

Limerents who have professional influence over their LO often misuse it. They show favouritism – giving LO opportunities that others would have wanted or granting them more responsibility, giving them effusive praise, plum work assignments, or bonuses and rewards. Limerent bosses frequently overdo it in their urge to demonstrate their high regard for LO.

Sometimes this recognition is not too objectionable – LOs can actually be good workers who warrant praise regardless of the limerent boss’s feelings – but it is likely to breed resentment in the overlooked.

This improper behaviour can even be mutually reinforcing. The LO is likely to enjoy the praise and recognition, and start to favour the boss back. Maybe they are extra diligent in their work, stay later, and seek to work more closely with the boss who is all smiley and praiseful and encouraging. Naturally, the limerence-addled boss mistakes this enthusiasm for romantic interest, and the limerence spirals.

Alternatively, the LO might themselves be exploiting the limerent’s desires for their own gain. Perhaps they cynically flirt with their boss to elicit favouritism, enjoying the power they have to get special treatment, opportunities or rewards. Or a junior limerent might be uninhibited and hyperattentive with their LO boss, oversharing, and perhaps using flattery to gain personal mentoring.

Work social events are another fertile opportunity for entanglements, especially if they involve alcohol. Naturally, limerents tend to seek out their LOs at such events, and often make fools of themselves. Many limerents have stories of toe-curling embarrassment over things they did or said when their defences were down, in the strangely blurred context of socialising with professional colleagues.

Regardless of the power dynamics of the situation, a limerent will always seek more professional entanglement if it means they get more contact time with their LO.

The consequences of entanglement

Perhaps the most obvious risk of rushing to entangle lives with an LO is that you do it before you really get to know them. That has consequences for you both.

First, it isn’t at all obvious that an LO will appreciate your overtures for intimacy, or that your imposing your secrets on them is welcomed. It could be an inappropriate imposition.

Second, your LO might not be a trustworthy person. Manipulators often seek intimacy and trust from other people, for the power it gives over them. As a limerent, you might naively offer it in the mistaken belief that it proves LO has deeper feelings for you than a simple friendship, but end up disclosing private and sensitive information which they can use against you.

Before you realise the ramifications, you share inflammatory secrets, or feel indebted to them, or find yourself as acting as an advocate or defender of them based on loyalty they’ve manufactured. You are entangled in their life of drama and deceit, and struggle to get out.

Third, there can be some simple practical consequences to entangling your lives too quickly. It can lead to a conflict of obligations – how do you balance your existing responsibilities against new commitments to LO? Can you afford the time and resources you are spending on them?

Prioritising LO inevitably impacts others. I know of a limerent who got his (much younger) LO to babysit his children, directly entangling her into his existing domestic world. His wife was not in the know about his ulterior motives, of course. Had she found out, I imagine she would have been less than delighted. There are worse stories too – of limerents emptying savings accounts, paying for lavish gifts or holidays, and giving away treasured possessions to try and impress an LO.

Fourth, other people are likely to notice such excessive interest in LO. That can have professional and personal consequences. People gossip. People make complaints. People act differently around you because your willingness to compromise your integrity to favour someone unfairly (even if to a small extent) changes their opinion of you. Similarly, friends and family can come to resent the apparent change in your personality and attentiveness, as LO comes to dominate your thoughts.

Finally, even if a limerent manages to avoid these external consequences, the emotional and mental entanglements can themselves be debilitating. Late stage limerence is often characterised by emotional instability, intrusive thoughts, and involuntary rumination. If you have done everything in your power to make LO central to your life, it will inevitably be painful and laborious to free yourself of that obsession once it sours.

Disentangling yourself

Fundamentally, the rush to entanglement is a symptom of a life that is not being pursued purposefully. It emerges from a mindset that is seeking limerent reward intuitively, unthinkingly. It’s impulsive, urgent and intoxicating – not a good combination for making wise decisions.

If you are free to form a relationship with LO, then entanglement should develop slowly and naturally through the progressive formation of a healthy connection, after you express your romantic attraction honestly.

If you are not free to form a romantic relationship, then entangling your lives cannot lead anywhere authentic or constructive. Be decisive and accept that reality – don’t try to keep LO close for emotional gratification.

If a new limerence experience upends your life and existing relationships to such an extent that you are no longer sure what you want, then concentrate on sorting out that personal crisis first. Don’t try to keep all your options open, and force conflicting relationships together in a grotesque tangle.

Once you clarify what you really want out of your life, you can act accordingly. That might mean a slow process of extricating yourself out of LO’s life and refocusing on your primary goals – a staged withdrawal that frees you from a complicated friendship that isn’t good for either of you.

As with a lot of limerence recovery, the key to disentangling yourself is to be decisive.

Be honest about your motives, remove the uncertainty, and you should be able to reverse course – and also avoid any similarly destructive entanglements in the future.

The post Limerence entanglements first appeared on Living with Limerence.