Limerence certainly stirs something inside us. Whether it turns out for good or bad is determined by a bunch of factors. Mine could have gone horribly wrong and I am fortunate it did not. It has had its positives for sure, but the negatives are A LOT to deal with in life.

There are some people here at LwL who are more bothered by just the thoughts, attraction, and emotions of an LE itself regardless of how respectable the limerent may act. I don’t subscribe to thought crime so I disagree with that sentiment.

“It sounds like Adam redirected his devotion from his SO to his LO.”

Yes, Miss Lovisa that was what I did. Our marriage seemed to be stuck in neutral as we go through all the changes of middle age, adult children leaving the home and a change in jobs for me. All in the last 4-5 years.

Like you told me when I first started posting here; exLO had all the right conditions for me to protect, provide and preside for her and her daughter. That gave me purpose again. My wife is self sufficient, our teenage son will be a legal adult this year and our oldest doesn’t live at home anymore. But exLO and her daughter had no one helping them.

“I’m not convinced that the limerence itself is the problem. I think it gets abused and causes problems.”

I think it’s too intense of a feeling to ever be stable foundation for a relationship. What if I was single and had limerence for her still? And then I shot my shot and she had no interest in me? I would imagine that would still be a devastating blow as much as her, in my reality, not being available. I would imagine in both cases it would bring about rumination and intrusive thoughts. But I know I am always a Debbie downer when it comes to limerence.

I will agree with your Miss Lovisa, that limerence itself is not the root cause of why you become limerent. Just like alcohol and other recreational drugs; for most people there is a deeper problem they don’t want to face beside the actual addiction.

Interesting that all four of us saw improvements in our marriages. It sounds like all of us enjoyed that “awakening” feeling, too.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but I think it’s fascinating how Eve awakened Adam and the Prince awakened Sleeping Beauty. I think there is something to it. Perhaps limerent awakenings have been happening for a long time. Our ancestors wanted to communicate it somehow without being direct because limerence as a tool is quite dangerous. Would you agree that when limerence is timed well and used appropriately it can be beneficial? I suspect that all of us recognize how destructive it can be when it’s used in hurtful ways. I’m not convinced that the limerence itself is the problem. I think it gets abused and causes problems.

I’ve had a similar phenomenon….I realized that one thing making me vulnerable was a lack of affection in my marriage that made it feel like “roommates.” So I found ways to inject it back in. Thought my husband wasn’t initiating because he wasn’t interested anymore. Turns out he was quite happy to give and receive. I don’t know why he wasn’t doing it before, but we do seem to get along better these days.

I also showered attention on my SO during limerence and I think it was responsible for actually igniting the spark in my marriage again. Bearing in mind that we had been child rearing for ten years prior, and had a lot of FOO stresses, this was much appreciated. Like you both, I needed closeness more during limerence. I also appreciated my SO because, on an intellectual level, I could see that he beat my LO on every single score. Limerence was like waking up for me. I also felt young again. My confidence in myself increased (despite timidity around the LO). I have to say – the LO himself didn’t help in my case 🤣, he was acting so darned strange.

Some might think it’s weird to say that at the same time I was pursuing LO romantically I also became more romantically interested in my SO. All I can say is it’s one of those weird phenomenons of an LE. Seems it’s not all that uncommon either.

Limerence absolutely made me become more affectionate towards my wife. Before the LE I was a bit in marriage cruise control. My wife would often say that she felt like roommates with me. We still had date nights and we still were sexually active but it was all more mundane and routine. Once the LE hit and I felt distressed I drew much closer to her and appreciated her more. Much more affection, attention, and closeness. I needed her support without telling her why. I don’t think I have heard the roommate comment now in 2 plus years. We are also new empty nesters and we are enjoying each others company quite a bit without kids . I think limerence unlocked a lot of romantic desire in me that now gets showered on my wife.

Speedwagon, I’m curious if your LE reduced your devotion to your wife. Did it affect your relationship with your wife? My LE2/LE3 enhanced my relationship with my SO. It sounds like Adam redirected his devotion from his SO to his LO. I wonder how often an LE enhances the primary relationship vs diminishing it.

Limerence motivates me to seek interaction from my LO, but I don’t think I would use the word “pursue.” “Timid” isn’t the right word either. If I had to choose between the two, I’d choose pursue. I’m definitely more confident.

This is interesting. My experience is the opposite. The stronger my feelings for LO became the more I had to resist the urge to pursue her. Ultimately I gave in and disclosed. Granted, I already had a working relationship with her but once the LE hit I did things to pursue her personally and even romantically. Timidity might have been good for me.

In all my past LE experiences I have never been timid.