IMHO,
Now I‘m curious:)!

Gosh Mila, this thread is so long I have to scroll for ages to figure out how to reply to you. Thanks for your message. So glad your ‘thing’ went well overall. I totally respect you don’t wanna share details that may be revealing. Glad your LO / friend came good in the end and gave the support a friend should! Maybe the challenges you gave him was the right thing, and maybe such direct ‘confrontation’ will help disipate your LE ? I don’t know my LO well enough to have such an open challenge. That’s because you are first and foremost friends , good to always remember that and try to go back to these roots.
Anyway it seems like you are in a good place and some clear air. Maybe some space now to see the impact on your limerence and view of situation after so much intensity over recent days. And breathe ! I had quite an interesting incident/insight that happened in relation to my business trip that I may share in a new thread. Probably in the coffeehouse per Dr. L rules…Best wishes for a relaxed week for you

IMHO,

Welcome back, I’m glad that being away helped you to distance yourself a bit!

Thank you for thinking of me! it actually went quite well yesterday, not everything like I wanted it to be, but still a success.
I‘m a bit scared to be recognized by someone I know, that’s why I don’t really want to tell what my job is, sorry…

My LO/friend was quite sweet in texting me the encouraging things I accused him never to send me at least twice before the event and also immediately asked how it went etc.
I really appreciate that because he took me and my complaints seriously even though limerence was speaking out of me and I felt bad and unfair about it.

Hello Mila and all, I have been away with work and trying to use the trip to break limerence which encompasses LwL too. Some success with that , the dial is turned down a bit when in a different place and situation distracting the mind from LO mostly but of course not entirely. I have been catching up on this thread on my plane trip home. The limerence hot cold dance eh ! So familiar, at least you have had some proper conversation/ exchanges over it which hopefully will help you/him understand each others perspective more going forwards. Very best wishes for your big Sunday thing is really what I want to say !!! Not sure what it is but I’m sure you will ace it !! 😀 X

Sammy,

My fingers are numb, and my brain is just about going into hibernation, thanks giving to your high and mighty soaring again…🐲

Need to warm up, though

“Sometimes, I think gay men are gay largely because at some point in their lives they’ve acquired a terrifying insight into the female mind – the female mind of their mothers.”

Sammy

First off, good to hear from you again. I started to worry that you deserted us. Glad to hear that overall you are doing well. Try not to be a stranger here. 🙂

As I have said many times, women will be the death of me long before alcohol. And I am equally addicted to both lol Having said that, my mommy issues aside, it hasn’t pushed me that far yet lol Good to have you back Sammy.

Sammy Sams,
“However, my “reptile brain” disturbingly appears to be the brain of an outrageously beautiful and therefore highly-competitive heterosexual women, who automatically views all other women as sexual/emotional threats.”
They are threats. Just read this site. 🙂

Ahhhh! I’m so happy that you’re back Sammy. How are you, darling ? Please don’t desert us like that again! We did miss you and we love you for what you’re in your soul. We’re family now, sometimes we feel we have some rights to know, haha.

Hugs, very tight hugs. Have a splendid weekend. ❤️

Jealousy is a very interesting topic regarding limerence. From experience, as a gay man who never really wanted to be gay and who has never truly embraced that identity, I can say I was never jealous of my male LOs, and didn’t worry about their (presumably superior) mating value. I never crushed on a man who didn’t have sky-high mating value in terms of both his looks and his earning potential. I always pick the best of the bunch, thank you very much. I have an eye for quality. If I like a guy, it basically means that he is ideal marriage material … for a woman! 🤣

Even though I’m a biological male, and I identify as a biological male, in social groups, I tend to take on the role of the “Alpha Female”. But it’s a purely symbolic role, as I’m not a biological female, and really have nothing of substance to offer a male partner. I feel like I can’t get a toehold on the male hierarchy of wealth and power, so I just content myself with being the self-appointed matriarch of the tribe’s women. Of course, this self-appointed role is highly offensive, as I’ve never asked anyone for permission. I’ve just arbitrarily declared myself Queen Bee. 😇

In conservative circles, gay men aren’t accepted. But I’ve carved out a very interesting niche for myself. In conservative circles, I now see myself as a tastemaker for heterosexual women. or a “professional vetter of marriageable men”. In other words, basically, I set the standards in the social group over which men are deemed desirable. If I say a man’s okay, then he’s okay. 🤣

In some ways, I’m like a 90s supermodel, minus the fame and the good looks and the bank balance and, um, everything else that makes a supermodel a supermodel. I don’t give the nod of approval to famous men. Men BECOME famous (within the confines of my tiny social group) after I give them the nod of approval. 🤣

Here’s how my social role works. I locate all the good men. I show up in public with all the good men (usually platonic friends I’ve grown quite close to). And the single women in the group sit up and take notice – not of me, but of the wonderful men I’m showing off to them and for them. Because I’m really helping women identify all the men they should be paying attention to i.e. the men of quality. What can I say? Any woman who crushes on the same man I’ve crushed on is a woman with amazing taste. And who can fault a woman with good taste? 🙄

Before I accepted my “symbolic Alpha Female” role in life, I was jealous of the women my male LOs chose to pair-bond with i.e. not me, obviously. (I’m not a woman, for starters). The jealousy I felt toward these women made me feel guilty, because the jealousy didn’t seem to have a rational basis. (If I’m not a member of the female sex, why am I feeling competitive with the female sex? What the heck is wrong with my brain? These women have never been anything but lovely towards me, and I secretly hate them – why? We’re talking “handbags-at-dawn” hate aka invisible female sexual rivalry). The jealousy was largely unconscious at first, but then it would bubble up to the surface at the oddest moments, creating this deep sense of emotional strain when these women tried to befriend me.

So, yeah. I’m not really sure what goes on in the brains of other gay men, and I don’t particularly want to know. However, my “reptile brain” disturbingly appears to be the brain of an outrageously beautiful and therefore highly-competitive heterosexual women, who automatically views all other women as sexual/emotional threats.

My brain is totally delusional, by the way, as I don’t really have a female brain/female body, and have almost no interest in conventionally female pursuits). It’s really weird. Emotionally speaking, I’m a heterosexual woman – and one of the least pleasant heterosexual women anyone could imagine. But I’m only a “woman” in the realm of imagination/emotions. In all other facets of life, I’m a man – a very kind, very simple, very laidback man who wouldn’t say boo to a mouse and who pretty much doesn’t care what other people get up in their spare time. 🙄

So I think I can understand the depths of despair and irrational jealousy that a deeply insecure heterosexual woman might sink to if she felt her primary relationship was under threat. I don’t know if I’ve learned something about insecure women from my mother, or whether I’ve inherited some sort of instinctual knowledge from the Collective Unconscious?

Sometimes, I think gay men are gay largely because at some point in their lives they’ve acquired a terrifying insight into the female mind – the female mind of their mothers. And they gained, like, an almost telepathic access to their mother’s minds at a point when the mother was very, very unhappy. Even as a little boy, I could literally “feel” all of my mother’s intense emotions inside my own body.

I do think jealousy can serve as a kind of glue that holds couples together in the short term. However, jealousy probably doesn’t preserve the bond between couples in the long term, as life with a jealous partner can be very stressful. I don’t think it would be an exaggeration to say that (completely unfounded and irrational) jealousy gradually destroyed the happiness of my parents’ marriage.

Serial limerent – yes indeed! I am very jealous of anyone who gets to hug their LO more than a few times a year, anyone who gets to go out to lunch with their LO, anyone who gets to talk with their LO for more then 15 minutes once or twice a week… between the rules and boundaries we’ve set for ourselves, the boundaries imposed by our lives, and her fearful/avoidant attachment style, our relationship is doomed to be perpetually unsatisfying and frustrating. I find myself having more frequent thoughts lately about wanting to just put an end to it. I’m not there yet, and I’m not sure if I ever will be or not, but it’s definitely been on my mind more and more, and I’m intentionally spending time with those thoughts to just imagine what it would be like to not be limerent for her some day. Maybe that’s progress 🤷‍♂️