I agree with MJ. I am suffering the consequences of what my once intelligent husband did to me and our marriage – not to mention what he did to himself and his reputation. I discovered my husband’s affair in 2019, he did not end it but took it underground. Both my husband and his co-cheater (she had been married 42 years at that point)continued to lie to me and gaslight me to the point where I doubted my own existence. I am 1000% convinced that married limerent’s know exactly what they are doing and what the cost are. By and large they are narcissists with below zero empathy for anyone but themselves. My husband would not listen to me in 2019 hen I presented the facts about limerence and how he ticked every box. After we moved 200 miles away a year later – because of his affair – he suddenly wanted to pin his behavior on limerence and expected me to forgive him and feel sorry for him. His ongoing lies and cover-ups because of the affair, which turned physical after D-Day 2019 – I was diagnosed with scoliosis almost a year ago because of the severe emotional trauma and PTSD from his behavior.

Wait out limerence? Are you kidding?? My husband is starting therapy today to hopefully find out why he has done this. He cheated three other times previous to his obsession with his lying co-conspirator. The first three times, I didn’t tell anyone about it. I suffered in silence. I forgave him, was kind, understanding even though my heart was so heavy with sadness with each time being worse than the time before. After the 3rd time I asked him to go to counselling. He said he didn’t need to go! HUH?? I went to counselling alone.

Based on my growing concerns – in Autumn 2019, twelve years after my husband last affair – I told him if he had another affair, I would end the marriage and tell everyone why. He looked me in the eye and said he would not have another affair. LIAR! Three weeks later I discover thousands of texts on our phone bill and confronted him. He told me he “loved” his co-worker then proceeded to treat me cruelly and with no remorse every single day. He and I never argued before this happened. We had a peaceful marriage, I adored my husband and spoke highly of him to everyone. Well, the marriage I cherished and protected vanished that day. The trust I placed in him – gone, gone, gone. Meanwhile, I am the one who had to give everything up and suffer because of two selfish dumbasses who knew full well what they were doing from the start.

As a result, we have lost everything. His co-cheater’s life goes on unaffected.

Control what you can and that also means no longer trusting that he has your back. He doesn’t because he’s not ALL IN. Go through the financial statements very carefully. You may discover that he’s already started separating it in anticipation of leaving you holding the bag. Pay down any personal debt you may have. Remove him from any joint credit cards. If you are an authorized user, you will be on the hook for any charges he rings up – get yourself removed AFTER you get your own credit card.

Consult a few divorce attorneys to know what your legal obligations are to him and the kids and vice versa. Some may offer a free one-hour consultation. There is a lot of information online but a good attorney knows how to navigate it. Knowing what your state will ask of you both is smart. As you have kids together, be prepared to look for and take a class on how to co-parent with an ex or STBX.

Do not trust to luck or past memories of happiness with him, or him with you, the kids, etc. He’s told you he’s thinking of moving on. Act accordingly.

He may not love you any longer but he should damn well respect you. More importantly, when you stand up for yourself and your family that will firm up the ground under your feet even if he’s pumping water into it.

Even if you stay married and he pulls himself together, you will have demonstrated that you are not someone to be treated lightly or as a consolation wife (see the urban dictionary).

Good luck.

Snowphoenix,

“I tried your way but found myself just can’t deal with sex without my mind involved; to me, a satisfied SE has to be somewhat romantic, physical, and spiritual related, not necessary a LE.”
I mean, the only way you’ll get some — and I write SOME, because ALL (romantic, physical, spritual, mental) is probably a pipe dream — of that is if you’re in a committed relationship. And even then, you could be having the full experiene and the other person is having a much different one. As evidenced by the posts on this site.

“How much time did feminist give?”
Just that women need more time warming up and more time during the act itself to reach the desintation, so to speak.
I say neither is true, depending on the situation and the people involved. You certainly can take the time, but you don’t always have to (I know, I know, you like to :)), but I remember with one guy the initial phase feel like it’s going on forever.

“Yes, one five-year-resentment-accumulated slap back, and a family meeting with Dad as a mediator, STOPed her physical abuse for good, but not mental or emotional one, which continued until I “flee” out of the country.”
I’m glad your father stepped up at some point. Mine was rather spineless.

” I can’t tell you enough how much I hate a “professional” Narc!”
Narc pretty much sums it up. My father’s self-involvement was almost pathological.

“Are you lost in the world like me?”

https://youtu.be/-kT5yvSe4Ig?si=_UsY07Ov5GpJ8mp_

“Then how should Ann deal with her current excruciating deadlock?”

Maybe something like this?

Another article from ThoughtCatalog: https://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2020/03/everything-i-wish-i-could-tell-the-other-woman/

What if the other woman says this to Ann:

“But I didn’t seduce your husband [the man] with secret sensual powers, or target him in some kind of plot to demolish his former life. I didn’t lure him into any traps. And I never cheated on anyone. I simply followed my heart.”

Then how should Ann deal with her current excruciating deadlock?

To blame the other woman is the only one who is destroying the marriage is inaccurate and unfair; her husband, who has brain, willpower, marital vows to Ann, plays at least 50%, if not more, of the role in damaging the marriage and making her suffer. And he’s damaging more by not discussing it with Ann.

Here is Limerent Emeritus’ link again:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/melanie-berliet/2016/05/if-youre-going-to-hate-the-other-woman-please-hate-the-dude-too/

Even under a tremendous pain, we can use our logical thinking, which in return, could cognitively distance our emotional pains.

It seems Ann would very much like to see this rival by herself, and see what’s she’s got that attracted her SO to this woman. It’s called curiosity, and why not jealousy! Ann calls herself a ‘boring wife’? Maybe she feels she’s neglected herself and got comfortable with the ‘housewife’ routine and also neglected her husband, took him for granted??? People need to evolve as the years pass to even off with the times, not to stay behind, in a rut.

One have to admit the wrenching pain that comes in a situation of a betrayal is demoralizing. Your life is turned upside down and you feel abandoned to your destiny from the person you trusted the most, your partner ; and this regardless if it’s a PA or EA, both are causes for despair and anger, pain and all kind of emotions under the sun. Everything in your life is shattered , your self esteem , self worth, trust, safety and truth.

A friend of mine who went through a betrayal by her husband last year said she was at the point of collapsing has it not been for counseling at church and good friends that supported her dearly. ( they divorced, no children involved).

There’s a blog on LwL/ Betrayal this month, right here.

If Ann still wants to resolve the issue between the two, not at a legal level, she needs to get her husband to talk to see where he is. She can’t go to his work to deal with the other woman or PR directly, it will affect the husband’s job.

If she prepares for a legal battle or even just a legal threat, she does NEED solid PA proofs.