Hi VL, you seem to be very self aware, with self control on your feelings of your situation and potential pitfalls and where the lines are to not cross, which is admirable. I guess you need to keep pushing you and your SO forwards to take actions to ensure you don’t end up in limbo misery land. It seems you have a clear view of the path which is good as many on LwL struggle with knowing what to do next ( so we carry on as before) ….me included.
From what you say a counsellor seems the next integral step of action to shift on from being miserable. As you say life is too short. Keep pushing for making
that step change! Maybe the final outcome will be more surprising than you imagine.

VL, MJ, Speedwagon,

Blurting LOs name and speaking to them in your mind, I think is a natural phenomenon for limerents. I do it all the time. I call LOs name out loud when I’m alone home. And softly when going for walks. I think it is we would like so much to say and share so many things with them, and since we can’t in reality, the mind and thoughts find their way out anyhow. It’s a consolation, a way to vent our frustration with LOs lack of communication. It’s so pitiful, we have to resort to these escape mechanisms, but what can we do, it just comes out naturally!
We are learning new behaviors patterns all the time to learn how to deal with the LE. One day, one day we’ll be free!

I have this issue going on too, where I am constantly thinking of LOs name. Saying it in my head or thinking of a song with her name in it. Reminders of her are everywhere. If I’m looking at something to buy with a certain color, it usually has to be the color, which reminds me of her name.

@Speedwagon, it is strange for sure. I think it is a result of being so focused on that one person for so long that it still persists as a sort of habit that is difficult to break, even where the rationale for obsessing over the person has gone.

“I still have this weird reflex where I talk to myself about LO #2 because I’ve been so used to saying her name to myself and thinking about her.”

I am in a real mild wave of LE right now but one weird thing is I constantly see my LOs name in my mind. I’m used to it, it does not distract me much, but it always seems to be there. Weird phenomenon.

Limerence for me always dies out slowly like a campfire that needs more wood. I’m still dealing with the smoldering embers of the limerence for LO #2 (LO #1 is a different story, although I do sometimes think of her from a nostalgic or curious perspective in a legitimate attempt at sense making). I wouldn’t say I am limerent for her anymore. This feels like freedom in many ways, but there are a couple of things that make living limerence-free harder for me: (1) I struggle to get the motivation I need for self-improvement because I’m not as focused on trying to impress anyone; and (2) I still have this weird reflex where I talk to myself about LO #2 because I’ve been so used to saying her name to myself and thinking about her. I almost feel like slapping myself when I blurt out her name in private. Why do I still do that? I think it might be just a case of an old habit that is hard to break even though the limerence is basically gone.

@IMHO and Nisor: I know that barriers can actually drive limerence, but in my case I have never been limerent for a married woman. I’ve met my glimmery friend’s husband. He seems like a nice guy, and I know how devastated he was when his wife cheated on him in the past (not with me). I really don’t think I could do that to another man, and so I have some type of mental barrier that I hope will stop me from becoming fully limerent for this woman. I definitely have a crush on her, I am hugely attracted to her, and I really enjoy her company. I actually miss her when I don’t see her because she is a lot of fun. Let’s face it, there is also that huge ego boost knowing someone likes you back. I don’t think there was any ambiguity in the way she shamelessly flirted with me, and so I never had to seek validation because it was already there. I just chose to tell myself it wasn’t genuine, but it was. For whatever reason, she has a thing for me. It could be as simple as me reminding her of the guy she had an affair with (she told me that), but who knows? We are very different people, and it seems like an unlikely pairing (perhaps it’s just opposites attracting?). But I don’t think it would ever progress to full-blown limerence with her.

LO #1 is ancient history by now and just a nostalgic curiosity, but it’s strange how she and my glimmery friend are good friends (my glimmery friend is also friends with LO #2). It’s such a small world! I knew who my glimmery friend was a year-and-a-half before I ever met her because I saw so many pictures of her with LO #1. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would befriend this woman and that she would end up flirting with me. It seemed for a while like fate was leading me right back to LO #1 (who is now back in my life in a very small way), but I sometimes think it almost feels like it was leading me to my glimmery friend. I struggle to make sense of it all.

I still have some feelings for LO #2. I was really worried about her recent health scare. I still like her and find her attractive, but I am out of the limerent stage with her. I don’t think I will ever go back there with her. Last year, I felt like I was in love with her, but I don’t feel that anymore.

My wife and I have talked about counselling for years, but I really want out of the marriage. She will do anything to stay in it. I am going to try counselling, but the problem there is we would want totally different things out of it. She would want to use it as a way to try to save the marriage, but I would want to use it to facilitate an amicable split. We have been living like roommates for about six years now. I have lost all interest in anything romantic with her, and she is bossy, controlling, negative, angry and downright abusive not only with me, but also with our daughter. I’ve told her maybe 200 times I want a divorce, but she will not see that our marriage is dead. Maybe a good counsellor could get her to see that? The problem is I care about her and I still love her in some ways. I want the best for her, and in many ways I feel the best isn’t me. Just like she is not a god fit for me, I’m not a good fit for her. It’s as if her attitude with me is, “I love you. Don’t ever leave me. But if you do, I will totally f**k you up and destroy you.” Maybe counselling can help? I don’t know. My morals may not be 100% solid, but I still maintain that unless and until we go our separate ways, I will not physically cheat on her. Still, I think that in a really troubled marriage where one party has intimated to the other numerous times that they want out, the barriers of acceptable conduct shift slightly. I may be check off some of the boxes of an “emotional affair” with some of my female friends, but I will not sleep with another woman while I am still married. Still, my patience wears thin, and I do have a “wandering eye” that makes it difficult not to let this get to me. Life is too short to waste it being miserable.

Vicarious Limerence hi,

You’re at this stage, I suppose, where you have total control over your limerence :

“Sometimes you let go of people without even noticing. You stop thinking of them every day. You stop wanting for them to reply to you. You stop allowing them to take so much space in your life. You move on, you go about your day without worrying about them. You stop expecting them to come back with an apology. You accept they’re no longer part of your life. You just LET THEM GO, simple as that.”

Simple? Not really, but try you must! Either you kill limerence or it kills you…

Have a great weekend. Thank you for posting.

That’s right IHMO, limerence is no respecter of any barriers. It just happens without an invitation…