Hi Louisa – thanks for your reply. That gives me hope.
Don’t worry, I am not at all close to having an affair with my LO. We have done nothing in secret. When I say “making plans to do things together” I mean me, my LO, and his family. I don’t spend any time alone with my LO. “Long” hugs still just last seconds, and are never alone. I am on the road to recovery now.
How long did your LE last with your friend?

Hi Dani, I became limerent for a friend of 20+ years. I am over it and we are still friends. Yes it is possible to recover from limerence and return to a friendship.

I am very concerned about something you said in your post. You described some behaviors between you and your LO “… just flirting, long hugs, always making plans to do things together…”. I think you are in the beginning phase of an affair. Please stop that behavior. You are getting too close to crossing the line.

Good luck!

„ But if it hadn’t turned into a friendship, I would have been fine with it too.“
I absolutely see what you mean. That state of mind might actually be a necessary requirement for a true friendship.

I sometimes feel I‘m already there and then again not.
But I definitely made progress because there was a time when I felt it was impossible to let this person slip out of my life. Now I can regard the possibility of this with sadness, but I can consider it and know that this hole he would have left would close after a while.
And that’s why I think that maybe in the end, with more progress, we could remain friends or, better said, return to being friends without limerence.

Hi Mila, I’m glad my story spoke to you. One thing that also indicates that the LE is done with: yes, I am happy LO is now a friend – it is a good friendship that enriches my life. But if it hadn’t turned into a friendship, I would have been fine with it too. I mean it.

I hope you make progress with your limerence, too!

Hi Oldtimer,

Thank you so much for your post, I loved it. It’s so good to hear from someone who managed it.
„ Basically, a “purpose” is to live in alignment with one’s values and deepest needs in life.“
I feel this is very important since it’s easy to think „purposeful living“ means finding some worthy purpose that looks well in the eye of the world- charity, sports, education- but it’s about everyone finding his own center in themselves.

It’s also good to hear that you haven’t lost the person you were limerence for. There is hope!

Dr L said something which I think is the heart of recovery: “you do need to have a clear understanding of why and how you overcame your limerence.” This is also related to the “purposeful living” solution to limerence.

Basically, a “purpose” is to live in alignment with one’s values and deepest needs in life. It isn’t necessarily anything really fancy like some major charitable deed or founding a multi-million dollar business. It could be something smaller and more simple: so long as it genuinely aligns with your values.

Limerence is an indication that something is out of alignment, that the way you lead your life violates some value (even if you lead a perfectly moral life), or a deep need is not being fulfilled. What it is, is unique to each limerent, of course. For me, it was a lack of safety and intimacy in my primary relationship. It was falling off track when it came to my values, and there was something about the way I was living my life that (I discovered) I really despised and led me to have very low self-esteem (mainly my dependence on others). It was also lack of connection with others (this made me deeply sad and lonely).

This was my “why”. It was crucial that I identified it. So I could then systematically deal with it.

As for “how” – I tried all the more symptom (vs. cause) alleviating techniques – but those felt like temporary band-aids (and there was a lot of relapsing) and in the long run, I needed to actually deal with the underlying “why” before limerence left my life: (a) I needed to do something about my primary relationship (for most people it is either recommit and strengthen; or leave); (b) I needed to tackle the parts of my life that were against my values and made me feel shame and self-hatred and low self-worth; and (c) I needed to strengthen connections with others (friends and family in my case).

I managed to deal with (a) and (c) comprehensively and those aspects of my life have never been better; (b) is still a work in progress (and the most complex on the three) but even though it is still very much in the “progress” rather than “completed” state, all this together was enough to release the grip limerence had on me. I agree with what is being said over and over again: limerence is not about LO; it is about us. It was about ME, and who I was, and how I was (not) showing up in the world.

I also want to just mention: all the bullet points Dr L listed I tick now (helped me know I was over the LE). It was quite the revelation to me when I was finally single – and LO was single – that we did NOT want to actually do anything about this Thing that was between us. There was a period of tension in our interactions when we were trying to decide, I think. I think there was a level of mutuality, though I have no idea if it was as strong on LO’s side or not. But whatever it was, when the big Barrier was removed, although at that stage he was still my LO (and therefore still wildly attractive to me), I realized the incompatibilities were still great enough that I didn’t want to do this STILL, if I could help it.

That executive override of the mind was a crucial exercise of autonomy that was a crucial threshold in getting over LO. And I made many more subsequently. There were relapses at first, but they being less frequent and more far between. Then one day I realized there were no intrusive thoughts of LO. Another day I realized I no longer had special expectations of LO and how he behaved was actually fine and did not cause me the excruciating sense of disappointment when LO did not act like someone who was pair-bonded to me (THIS is why being in limerence hurts). No more jealousy, either. And as we let our friendship ease into something more peaceful, I really rejoiced in the ABSENCE of limerent emotions. I also noticed that although I still found LO attractive objectively, I felt less ATTRACTED to LO. This was pretty crucial. I no longer had the fluttery feelings, the awkwardness that comes with liking someone secretly, the sharp knife of desire I felt for LO.

DoF,

You’re welcome!

Keep looking for the “Search the site” box. Every blog has it. Depending on what you’re using to view things, where it appears is different. Also, if you didn’t already know, there’s a link to the LwL archives at the bottom of each page. It will list every blog on LwL.

As far as attachment goes, try these:

https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-and-emotional-attachment/

https://livingwithlimerence.com/limerence-and-anxious-attachment/

I love Attachment Theory. For me, it was kind of like finding the Rosetta Stone. Things began to fall into place. The Path to Enlightenment took a lot of work but once I understood Attachment Theory, my life made a lot more sense.

In response to your comment below, MBTI types are discussed in:

https://livingwithlimerence.com/how-common-is-limerence/

MBTI pops up frequently in comments to various blogs.

Exactly! 😉

LN thank you also for your response! I found your comment about personality types fascinating. I have indeed taken the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator a number of times through my life and always score as an INFP. Assuming limerence is in fact biased to these personality types, it seems some combination of introversion (focus on inner world of ideas), intuitive (future focus with an emphasis on impressions and possibilities, tendency to be idealistic), and feeling (decisions made based on emotions, values, and evaluation of concerns unique to the individual) make people more susceptible to limerence. In the absence of hard data, it does make sense to me from a subjective, big picture perspective (which aligns nicely with me being an INFP, ha-ha).