@Marcia.

“Lol. I like all of that minus the vigorous debates. When I think of deep discussions … it’s about who the person really is. What do they want? What do they long for? What wakes them up inside? But “intense” is also the connection.”

Actually, to be quite honest, I don’t think I really like vigorous debates as a rule, although I’m oddly capable in that department when I need to be. I’m quite passive and easy-going most of the time. I think the seemingly argumentative side of me is a side of me that’s not really me at all, but something attributable to limerence…

“Have you ever met a couple who you can tell are really bonded? Where you almost feel like to be around them is invading their space and you’re a complete third wheel?”

I try not to hang out with couples who share an intense connection because, as you suggest, I don’t want to be the third wheel! 😛

“I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do?”

The friend who judged me for intensity didn’t really do anything. He just looked and acted very uncomfortable, and it was clear he was uncomfortable. And I felt as if he was judging me harshly when in fact he probably wasn’t judging me. He probably just felt uncomfortable, and discomfort can sometimes come off as judgement. He just wasn’t enjoying hanging out with me.

“Were you trying to get closer to him and he wanted to keep things more on the surface?”

I don’t think I was trying to get closer to him necessarily. I think I was deep in the altered state of limerence (for someone else) and I wanted to defend my infatuation, talk about my infatuation, glory in my infatuation, despite the fact no one – least of all my conversational partner – was challenging the validity of my infatuation. I was a bit of a lost cause at that point. 🤣

I sometimes recognise in posters on LwL the same defensiveness about infatuation. So I definitely know where people are coming from. I find such defensiveness amusing rather than offensive. It’s very much a case of: “Yup. Been there myself.” 😉

“I LOVE Camille Paglia. She was one of the first people to write about Madonna academically. She wrote that Madonna faces the dilemma of the modern woman looking to find a mate … does she look for a tyrant or a slave? 🙂 I love that.”

Yes, Camille is rather wonderful, isn’t she? She is the person who explained heterosexuality to me … sort of. 🤣

Camille explained being gay to me, or why a small number of people are more likely to end up that way, and her explanations didn’t offend me, because it’s obvious that Camille is fond of gay men.

Lastly, Camille explained women to me … sort of. Actually, the more I learn about women, the less I know about women. So maybe I should just stop learning about women? 😆 I think it’s a woman’s birthright to be mysterious anyway. Hadn’t heard that particular point of Paglia’s you mention about Madonna and the dilemma of the modern woman searching for a mate, but, yes, fascinating stuff!

“Very true. And the lyrics … baby, I want you … baby, I never wanted anyone more … baby, I don’t want anyone else. .. make the female listener feel like the lead singer is aiming it all right at her and only her. Especially if he’s singing in a falsetto! 🙂 He’s not the timid or hesitant suitor. He knows what he wants and he’s coming to get it! Fasten your seat belts! Of course, it’s a fantasy. The reality is he’s aiming that lust at a LOT of women. 🙂”

You describe the exchange of energy between male rock artist/s and female audience members really well. Definitely something Dionysian going on, some primal invitation to primal revelry. 😉

“Yeah, but it sometimes feels like they are setting the terms of the friendship. Like … I can stay on your level most of the time, but can we go to mine SOMETIMES?”

Yes, I know what you mean. 🙂

Hi Anna. By the third day of limerence, something that shocked me to the core, I felt I was heading for a nervous breakdown. So I started Deanxit for anxiety and Lorivan ,1/2 mg to sleep. It has helped me cope with anxiety since I came to the point I couldn’t breath. I also did a lot of breathing excersises, walking fast for an hour, setting time apart for ruminating and crying… I was a zombie, operating in automatic pilot for ten long months, mind totally hijacked with 24/7 intrusive thoughts. It’s been five months I got back some control of my mind and thoughts . Still need the medication. It’s a rough ride, let me tell you. Just a deep sorrow and sadness is left behind. But with patience and self determination one can come out of it sooner or later. So I hope, lo will be erased from my mind completely. Check with your doctor. Good luck .

As for your approach to and explanation of limerence, I can only say (in my subjective manner) that it completely corresponded with my own experience. If it is worth something, this is EXACTLY how it all felt/went for me, the whole process. Inclusive the process of getting real with myself and shaking the limerence off.

In retrospective (now I am not limerent anymore), it described to a great detail what had happened to me, within me and how to get out of it (considering I really wanted to get out), what to expect.

The book is also great. Very to the point and compact, which I appreciate dearly. I could of easily and quickly acces the parts I needed, when I needed them.

Also, as I am not religious, it is important for me that there are no vague categories. (When I red Amanda Trenfield’s book, I completely lost it when she took oracle cards for answers!)

Dorothy Tenov’s book is good, but in some sense also archaic.

I would of read more, but there aren’t many limerent books. It is all still an unexplored minefield and all your efforts are very appreciated.

After all this transpired, I have made ‘an emergency package’, consisting of your book, Tenov‘s book, list of links, poems and music numbers etc that can help people cope. For my son, as it tends to run in the families (hope he never feels it!). And as a small reminder/memento for me, of my own recovery process.

Thank you for everything.

D.G.

Thank You everyone, I appreciate your advice on medication

DR. L, no worries, was going to call my doctor, would never take anything unless prescribed by him
I don’t like meds, especially for mood regulation

I’m sure you can all agree that sometimes all of this can be so overwhelming!
Was lookin’ for a short cut lol

I never dreamed in a thousand years that I would be dealing with another LE, this one more intense than the last.

I’ll hang in there
~Anna

I took SSRI’s many years ago from the anxiety I was having because of a job I had. I can’t remember what the names of them were, but the first one I almost instantly found completely ruined …. uh my uh ability.

The second one actually worked too well with no side effects. I walked around my job with a big “*uck you” attitude. I could totally care less about anything else but doing my actual job. The anxiety was gone, but that was about all I could feel. Even when I got home. It was great for the job but not so much for the home life. Thankfully when I left the job I got off the medicine.

Just checking in to emphasise that there are no approved drugs for treatment of limerence and no one should take any pharmaceuticals without advice from a medical professional.

I took Lexapro years ago. A very small dose and it took the edge off. Not enough to make it worth it I think..
I finally got off of it. I take enough medications for other stuff now. I’m not adding 1 more pill if I don’t have to.

@Cfc

My body is very very sensitive in general and reacts badly even to antibiotics. I try to avoid speaking about any phenomenon that I have not personally experienced. However, I realize that each human body is unique, no universal conclusions should be made in terms of its reactions towards any intakes.

I was on SSRI for 6.5 years with 4 or 5 kinds (after NC #5), because the effects wore off soon or later. When does had be increased, I helpless became a zombie — the fact I learned when a range of emotions came back after withdrawing them gradually in 4 months.

I’m glad that antidepressants is working for you in general; perhaps a new type needs to be tried with limerence. I (only) read that Lexapro could be a help. Maybe some brave limerents here dare to try it and let the rest of us know.

I’ve been on a low daily dose of anti-depressants for several years. They don’t numb me or turn me into a zombie and my SO will confirm that in no way are my emotions muted! It just takes the edge off so I don’t sink too far down when I have a bad day. Apart from recently when they haven’t quite been able to cut it against the LE breakdown.

Anti-depressants can be extremely helpful – I’m sure there are people who despite trying several kinds they don’t work for, but I’d hate people not to even approach their doctor for help because they think anti-depressants turn people into zombies.

Hi Anna, welcome.
I have thought about it. I have been on Zoloft in the past and know that it works for me and it really takes the edge off, especially if you are person who stresses about everything. I think it would help me not care about every single thing LO does. But at the same time, I really don’t want to get back on antidepressants. It does numb the emotions a lot. I was unable to feel sad and cry.
I will personally try to stick it out a bit longer before I go that route. However if you feel like you cannot go on the way you have been and your life is very affected, it medication is something to consider and discuss with your doctor.
I listened to a podcast recently where they spoke about antidepressants for Limerence and supposedly Zoloft is the most effective one for this particular “problem”.