I really think it depends on the individual as to exact reasons why they might have cheated or at least been tempted to cheat. In my case I know lust for LO’s has had a lot to do with why I have fantasised a lot about cheating with them (though I’ve never actually done it). It has not been the full story (a lack of emotional connection has been a contributing factor to a point too) but it has still been a major part of experiencing limerence for me personally.

@dr. L

8 of my last 10 years of marriage were practically sexless. Although getting it elsewhere would be an easy way out for me, I never cheated on my husband or used it as an excuse to misbehave. I talked, tried to help him, seen doctors, argued, loved – whatever I could.

At the beginning we had a nice passionate mutually limerent relationship and later a loving marriage. With a healthy sexlife. As the years progressed his libido diminished starting with 2013. Many other of his behaviors changed drastically too. Long story short, at 2018 he was diagnosed wit a huge children’s type brain-tumor expressed at the latter age (non-operable bifocal germinoma). Years of treatment and recovery followed. Luckily he survived and is doing well now. Our marriage however didn’t survive, was over when he was good/cleared again, as he has changed (personality) beyond recognition. I tried to learn to love new him – it didn’t work.

I didn’t abandon him during the hardships. Nor I cheated on him because ‘he neglected me’ for a long time, as this TED suggests as justified. Nor I strayed because he was acting weird and beyond recognition. It would of been an easy way out for me, don’t you think? (That’s what it actually is: an easy way out and it reflects a character treats of a person who does it.l: superficiality, shortsightedness etc)

The point of writing my story is that things are never black & white and that the assumption that their spouses are unaware of themselves or otherwise bluntly neglecting their marital duties – is a wrong assumption. That is one very simplistic way of looking at things.

So yes I agree with drL:
– Marital neglect should not be used as an excuse to engage in extramarital affairs.
– if I was him and been unfairly and unreasonably blamed for the course of the events, I would of just resent, get quiet and leave. Go sell that somewhere else, as I am not buying it!

Mature people do not escape and search for the solution of the problems outside of the marriage. Mature people sit and talk. Compromise. Learn how to cope. Or end the marriage. Plenty of other, less disrespectful solutions.

Well, I’ve been trying but this week away from him has been interminable. And I’ve surprised myself at the sneaky way I’ve still managed to communicate with him. My limerence is far more dedicated and tough than any other part of me.

Not having needs met from a spouse can make one more susceptible to it but it’s ultimately the responsibility of the person who had the affair. In my LE, I can break it into steps where I had a choice to make and the wrong choices pushed me further into the LE. One choice was having long phone conversations. In my gut I knew I should not have those conversation but I agreed to the coaching because I liked how it made me feel. All it did was get me emotionally dependent. What a mess and so unfair to my SO. It wasn’t worth it. I know now I’m lucky my LO didn’t reciprocate and wasn’t faced with that choice too but I feel guilt from my other choices and am responsible for them.

Things are getting better. I’m over a month of very low contact. One thing that woke me up recently was something the Crappy Childhood Fairy said, “Contacting a married person with romantic intent is wrong. Cut. It. Out!” It’s the truth isn’t it? Don’t kid yourself into thinking you just want to be their friend.

We’ll never get better if we keep making excuses. It’s also wrong to blame someone for their spouse cheating. That’s what this video is doing. Yes there are super hard marriages but an affair will just make it worse. If you made the wrong choice, you can start right now making new ones.

“But I imagine a sunny, leaves falling and nice cool breeze day.”

That’s exactly what it is. Temps in the upper 60s, almost 70.

“And while I played my game, not having to look her in the eye.”

That’s crazy isn’t it? How even your own wife, you can’t even look in the eye sometimes. I remember times like that when I was married. There were just certain talks I couldn’t look at her and say. But if I was in another room or I was sitting at the table, and she was making dinner, then I could let it all out.

“Maybe that is what your LO is avoiding. Not you as a person but what she fears will happen in conversation.”

I had thought of a scenario like that. Thinking she didn’t want to start something she couldn’t finish. Or even end up mis-leading me in a way. Since she already probably figured out I was interested. I knew I made her nervous but never to the point I thought I would scare the hell out of her. At least I hope I didn’t.

Thanks as always for the insight Adam. I’ll keep those suggestions in thought.

Thank you Lovisa, Lost In Space and MJ. Sorry I haven’t replied before but I can only reply when my SO goes out because my computer is next to his (we work together) and he only ever goes out on his own once a week to go to the shops. I could use my phone but it takes ages so I prefer to type on a keyboard.

Anyway, that’s all a bit dull so… My LO rang me yesterday to talk through what he’d said the other night, and we decided that if we want to stop everything blowing up and causing lots of pain, and if we want to keep being in the social and drama group that means we have to see each other, we need to both be strong and stop the eye contact (yes, that is a BIG thing), ‘accidental’ touching etc. and make sure we’re never alone together. Then we can try to get through the rehearsals in as positive a way as we can, and hopefully get to a point where we know how we both feel but we also know we can’t and won’t do anything about it, and we’re OK with that. Most of the time we won’t have opportunity anyway, so we just need to make sure we don’t manufacture opportunity. Easier said than done but there’s no other option really.

We both have pretty strong feelings, physically and emotionally, but there’s also confusion over our current SO relationships and certainly for me, other issues to do with my serial limerence and unfaithfulness, which I need to sort out. It’s the first time for this for him. I’m hoping it eventually fades, especially if we don’t see each other for a while. The next play is one where we are highly likely to be cast together, and he said it might be too hard if he’s still feeling the same way, so we’re going to see where we are when that auditions in a few weeks’ time. If I have to step away and not do it (even though I love working with him and I’ve always wanted to play that part), so be it. His happiness and peace of mind is more important to me than I realised, now he’s shown me the agony of turmoil his mind has been in. And so is mine. But that will need time, talking and therapy I think!

I still feel very sad, but I’m really going to try this time. And start seeing the therapist and trying to work out what’s going on for me, who I am and what I want, which to be honest, I have no idea about.

Oh and by the way, I still can’t work out how the comments are structured and how to reply to a comment that doesn’t have a reply button… sorry Lovisa, I must be very dim but I can’t see it!

“I couldn’t have said it better Brother. Could not have said it better.”

Yes eye contact is something else. You can read too much into it and you can avoid it. It connects two people. Be it maintaining eye contact in a professional manner to be polite or getting lost in the eyes of someone that you fancy.

Short story about eye contact …. I wanted to talk to my wife about something dealing with my limerence last night. I waited and waited most of the night. Every time I wanted to tell her I couldn’t imagine looking her in the eye and saying what I wanted to say. Finally towards the end of the night I was playing a video game to relax and she was sitting in the bed with her laptop. And while I played my game, not having to look her in the eye, I spilled my guts. It was amazing how easy it was when I didn’t have to look her in the eye. Eye contact is quite a powerful thing.

“a beautiful Indian summer fall day”

As a born yankee this is novel. I imagine it means that it was a nice day, and I have heard this expression before since moving to the south with my wife. But I imagine a sunny, leaves falling and nice cool breeze day.

As far as what you shared, let me offer a perspective. Perhaps it isn’t that she doesn’t want to talk to you, but that she doesn’t know what to say in return. There were a few times in person that I might pay LO a compliment, even a professional compliment and she wouldn’t know how to respond. She seemed uncomfortable with the compliment. We could banter back and forth about bs things and she was fine.

In the depths of limerence we can’t see those things though. If the whole office knew I had a crush on LO than it’s probably obvious that she could see the special attention I gave her. Maybe that is what your LO is avoiding. Not you as a person but what she fears will happen in conversation.

Maybe find out, if you can, something she likes. LO loves her jeep and going mudding (The recreational activity of driving an off-road vehicle through muddy terrain.). She even has several t-shirts proclaiming it. The concept is interesting to me. So I would ask her questions. What kinds of jeeps can do this? Where do you go mudding? Trying to have a normal conversation without letting the limerence out. And the best part about it? You get to actually know LO as a person. And it helps put the limerence at bay. Because I think for us male limerents we don’t realize how awkward we can be with LO lol Heck I remember being awkward with things with my wife when we first got to together. Maybe it’s just me. I’m just awkward in general 🙂

@Limerent
Emeritus

“After that, I gave myself permission to cry. And, I did. I take the dog for long walks, find an isolated spot, and let go. I’d sit in the car in the driveway and cut loose. When I came in sniffling with red eyes and a runny nose, I’d lie to my wife and say it was allergies.”

It’s good to know I’m not the only one who needs to get away and let go. Thanks for making me feel better friend..

@Adam,

“But I know what you mean about the things that LO does. The hints that there is something there. Even in the simplest of pleasantries there is a fire in her eyes. That eye contact is like Superman’s heat vision and it just burns you to your soul. Those emerald gems that are her eyes. An ocean you’re happy to drown in.”

I couldn’t have said it better Brother. Could not have said it better.

There was a day last fall, a beautiful Indian summer fall day where I had timed my last break of the day to coincide with LOs quit time. I figured I would meet her in the parking lot as she was walking out to go home, and at least break the ice this time. I was going to do it. It was time.. Taking a chance because she doesn’t always leave at the same time every day.

So some of her office co-workers were outside by the gate having their smokes and I started walking toward the gate hoping she would be on the way soon. At about 50 yards, I then saw LO exit the gate and she was walking directly toward me. She saw me. I saw her. I was so nervous, my heart beating so fast. Holy $@&t, she’s totally coming my way. And just about the time I’m ready to say something, she immediately turned around and back toward the gate and then stopped to talk to her co-workers that she just passed, like 20 seconds prior.

I was so devastated. I was so close and she just shut me down completely. Again..
It’s a moment that could have changed the course of history for me. Yet she got scared.
She made it so obvious she was avoiding me. Playing with her hair and talking to her friends until I passed her by. I think about it now and it still makes me cry. What did I do wrong, but just show up??

When I had my friend, the LCSW who knew LO #2 when we were dating, read my history of the relationship, one of the things she said was that I never mourned for that relationship. I rolled from LO #2 right into my relationship with my wife.

I told my friend that LO #2 that we’d been broken up for over a year when I met my wife. My friend pointed out that just because we weren’t together as a couple didn’t mean we weren’t in a relationship. She pointed out that I’d laid out the conditions under which I’d take LOI #2 back not more than 2 months prior to meeting my wife and if LO #2 hadn’t gone over the line with her admission of settling for me, I’d have stayed in the game longer.

After that, I gave myself permission to cry. And, I did. I take the dog for long walks, find an isolated spot, and let go. I’d sit in the car in the driveway and cut loose. When I came in sniffling with red eyes and a runny nose, I’d lie to my wife and say it was allergies.

That phase lasted a few months. For over a year, some song might come on and I’d cry. I’m over it now.