I’m just checking in on you. How are things now? I deeply connected to your story.

This man needs to read “The Normal Bar” (Northrup, et al, 2014) a book of the results of the largest study ever done on marriage and relationships. Relationships that begin with limerence are much more likely to be successful and remain intimate over the long hall. If they weren’t ever “in love” a couple is much less likely to continue loving each other and much more likely to divorce or breakup. Sorry someone you’re crazy in love with is much more likely to hold your interest in a long term marriage than someone who never made you tingle.

Kyle H, hi

If you’re both single, I’d give it a try again. Have a real open conversation, and express your true feelings.

“ Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstanding, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” Miguel Ángel Ruiz quote)

Good luck. If things don’t work out, at least you know you tried, and move on.

“They realize that the special bond can’t be that special if so many other human beings are claiming the same experience!!”

I have to disagree!
Nah, it is still special.
It is part of the human experience

I would. I would wish it on those who need to see this side of things to wake up 🙂

I had this exact same type of experience… Except when I tried to confront her/ talk about honesty…

She refused to admit certain things, except that something was wrong and she didn’t know what we wanted….
We both failed here. We failed to show absolute confidence in the situation and expected the other party instead to show strength… She gaslighted me, sent some nudes to make me jealous after breaking up with me….

And then cut me off entirely as I reacted poorly to this, caught knee-deep in the panic of a deteriorating limerance.

It’s been 5 years. I still can’t get my mind off of her… Except I can.

For me, it had the potential to progress into Love, and so I allowed this to change me. It entirely turned my Life around and made me into a new man…

But she wasn’t around to see this.
And instead of accepting my Love, she now rejects this out of Fear and not wanting to fail again, some angst/resentment, and in general not wanting to deal with the situation.

I have removed my feelings of infatuation to find Real Love behind them..

And I *know* that real True Love, existed on her end As Well, before she gave up on this.

Some things are not worth giving up.
I’m not really sure what to do, or where to go from here. We aren’t talking anymore and she is actually quite hostile now….

Still don’t know what I did to deserve this, other than allow myself to feel the negativity of the situations I was going through while I was in with her.

Maybe she felt I was holding her back?

She wanted to try other options, go off to college, fool around with others, and keep me for the side.

That was not the Love talking. Maybe it was something else, but I know that the Love is still there, potentially.

And worth pursuing.
“love is not enough, girl. I just need more” – lyrics I’m listening to, ironically. This song *came on* as I’m writing this. Quite fitting.

Some things are not worth giving up on. Any suggestions?

I am afraid to share the story because it might be too recognizable… like if he was to read it he would know. Which is probably a crazy concern since why would he even be here and find my particular comment. But I am very afraid of rejection and shame, and I can’t risk him knowing this is happening to me.
I think I understand myself very well in general. I think this is happening because I miss passion and lusting after someone. And as a married person, I don’t have the option to find someone else. I have never crossed the line with anyone. I do find people attractive obviously, but my mental block doesn’t allow me to have any inappropriate thoughts about them, especially when they are also not available. But in this case, even though both of us are unavailable, the sexual attraction is/was mutual and it was welcome by both of us. So the mental block fell… and the feeling I get when I imagine our encounter is like nothing else. It’s an addiction. And at the same time, I don’t actually fantasize about him anymore because I don’t know if it’s mutual, and I can’t imagine anything unless it’s mutual and realistic. If I know he thinks about me too, I would let myself go and constantly fantasize.
I am making this into something that it isn’t, and regardless of no in person contact, he is constantly on my mind. Everything I do I want to tell him. Things that happen to me, I want to tell him. And if I am at work and can IM him, I want to tell him about things that happen during the day, but I also can’t because I know we are at work and supposed to be working, and he can’t be constantly giving me attention, and I can’t be that needy person who constantly needs his attention. And still, my lime ranch isn’t going away. It’s a fantasy that involves a real person.

Welcome, Lola

There is a lot of great information at this site, both in DR Ls blogs but in the comments section as well. Everyone here understands what you are struggling with and no one judges. It’s a great place to dump emotions you are feeling at the moment and to even seek some advice.

Take some time to read through various blogs. Self awareness and understanding limerence is a huge theme here and it will get you to ask questions of yourself that you never asked before. I was drowning before I took the time to understand limerence and what is going on in my head and heart.

In most instances, it would seem that going full no contact with your LO is the best method of recovery. You seem like you might be in a situation where that is already happening so now understanding the why and how of it all will help you move forward. You are at the right place to figure that out.

Feel free to share your whole story too.

Sounds like she really is the kind of „Sensor“ (https://livingwithlimerence.com/why-are-they-leading-me-on/) who enjoys limerent attention.

Honestly, having such a woman as LO and coworker sounds awful. I’d try my best to remove myself from that situation (changing jobs, NC on social media) if I were you.

> But she’s not available, so I disclosed my feelings in September of last year and drew a boundary. […] I don’t want to be a backup guy. She agreed to this but said nothing about her own feelings.

Maybe you should try again get some closure from her. Tell her that this situation really takes a toll on you and that she needs to make it clear whether she has feelings for you or not. And that it would help you, not hurt you, if she says that she doesn’t.

>[I] know full well that even if she were single, her hot-and-cold approach is not the basis of a healthy relationship. She hints at times that she has other limerent relationships (usually with women, oddly enough) and I’m hoping she eventually gets wrapped up enough in one (or her seemingly oblivious boyfriend finally sees these narcissistic games she plays and does something to wake her up).

Don’t count on it. I’m bipolar myself, have high levels of trait narcissicm (according to the NPI) and such a girlfriend would sound amazing to me. I’d probably not just tolerate, but even encourage such behavior as long as she wouldn’t be crossing lines. He’s probably already on board and enjoys that his GF is getting a lot of attention from others.