Thank you, Nisor.

I really appreciate you taking the time to share such a detailed and thoughtful response.

It does help to know it’s not an entirely unique mess I find myself in…

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Lovisa. I hadn’t looked into those resources before but will do now.

HJ , hi

“What feels most demoralizing about such episodes is that while I am trying to rebuild trust with SO and be as open and honest as possible, it feels that surely no good can come of explaining how I have moments where I still feel exactly the same as when I was in the midst of it all 18 months ago.”

HJ, you have my sympathy. What you had with LO was real in your mind, you had an affair, it cannot be denied. You created feelings for LO, and now you have to separate. Of course, you’ll be grieving as in any other relationship. It will be difficult to be comforting LO while you’re living in anguish. You can’t be emphatic to your SO because you yourself are going through an experience you don’t quite understand; you may want to know you’ll be going through the “five stages of grief,” ( look them up) Going No Contact is not an easy task, you may slide back, and that’s normal. You say there’s ‘not a day that goes by that you don’t think about what you two had, and what could have become’, this is very hard for you indeed! That “what could have become “ ( of the relationship ), has hunted me for 20 months now. I’m in No Contact for 14 months and I still have very severe sorrowful and lonely days. I also have a SO and so does he, besides being of advanced age; limerence is no respecter of age or gender, married or single, rich or poor, it’s like an unwanted bitter/sweet pest. It just happened without bidding it.

Since you work with LO, as I understand, this NC is going to be somehow difficult to not be in a state of arousal. As you say, ‘direct contact makes you spiral for days after, and the byproduct of NC is often wild jealousy of anyone close to LO. Boy, you’re in deep! This is definitely a very disturbing situation for you. I’m
so sorry you’re going through this, I don’t think SO is going to be willing to carry with the burden to help you through this emotionally charged ride for too long. There’s a limit a betrayed SO can handle without creating further burdens on you both. You both need time to heal, maybe see a counselor or friend separately.

You say:” a finish line would give me hope to cling to, but without one in sight there can be very low, lonely days.” This makes me sad for you and SO. I believe you have to concentrate, focus in a future where you two share goals and values, adventure, family , community, etc. Maybe taking on some hobbies? Living a purposeful life is Dr. L’s advice for suffering limerents. But you need to heal first, no one said it’s an easy task , but try we must…

I sincerely wish you a quick solution to this ordeal.

Hi HJ,

Your story is painful. It sounds like you need someone to talk to. Have you looked into Marriage Helper or Affair Recovery? They have resources to help you. Their YouTube videos might be a good place to start.

At Affair Recovery they say healing happens in community. I think you need to be honest and vulnerable about what you are experiencing. I don’t think your wife is the person to carry the burden. A trusted friend or clergy might be a better confidant. I think both Affair Recovery and Marriage Helper have coaches available to walk this journey with you.

Good luck!

‘Relentless’ is absolutely the word.

I am married but coming up on two years being besotted by LO, a work colleague.

Things went way beyond the glimmer. We had an affair. We said we loved each other. But just over a year ago my wife found out what was going on and I’ve been trying to recover, de-programme or however is best to term it ever since.

As soon as my wife and I stumbled across the concept of limerence in trying to make sense of it all, it was all so consistent with my experience it was uncanny. But to this day I still struggle (privately) to reconcile this with the feeling that I am hiding behind it to shirk responsibility for what I did to us.

I sway in and out of certainty that I was in love with the projection and representation of my needs at the time rather than LO, yet there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what we had – real or not – and what it could have become. And as we work together, when direct contact is required I can spiral for days after.

I have been exercising No Contact as much as possible and while this can feel like it’s providing progress at times, the by-product is often wild jealousy of anyone close to LO.

What feels most demoralising about such episodes is that while I am trying to rebuild trust with SO and be as open and honest as possible, it feels that surely no good can come of explaining how I have moments where I still feel exactly the same as when I was in the midst of it all 18 months ago.

It feels like a finish line would give me hope to cling to, but without one in sight there can be very low, lonely days.

This resonates Jo, my mum has always had incredibly low self-esteem, and this rubbed off onto me. But what you said about having a wonderful husband is also true for me, and that makes me think we must be good people really, if we can just tap into the belief and love ourselves, perhaps we wouldn’t need others to fulfill that for us 🫶🏻

Hi ABCD, limited contact helps tremendously. It’s a conscious effort and takes strength to keep myself away when I know he’ll be around. I haven’t gotten the strength to stop looking at his social media though, so that keeps him orbiting the front of my mind. I am too scared to remove him because I know that doing so will clue him into what is happening with me, and I’m also afraid to fully put a final end to it all. A previous LO blocked me abruptly and without warning when he got married, and although I was gutted at first, it proved to be a huge blessing.

Hi PC,
I was raised by a single mom and only met my father a handful of times. My mother had extremely low self esteem, despite being beautiful, and always chose awful men. So the more I dig into it, the more it makes sense in my case. The sad thing is that I am married to a wonderful man 🙁 who does not deserve this. Regarding the soulmate connection – I have applied that as well. I tend to overthink these men to such a degree and create ideas of them that somehow give them more depth than they actually have. Like I am meeting them on some cosmic level or something. This is ridiculous as well.

Hey Jo, thanks for your words. It does actually help to know there are others going through this, particularly those who have been physically unfaithful in the past. You would think our brains would be wired to realise how it will end up by now wouldn’t you? I read something once about transference being a subconscious attempt to resolve a past relationship but I can’t see where in my early life that this is! Sure, I’ve been hurt by men, but I don’t understand how that would keep me being attracted to unavailable or dangerous men. I do wonder if there’s something in my relationship with my father – he wasn’t particularly attentive and was any good with emotions but I don’t know how that fits in. I do know there’s usually more than a physical attraction, for me, I tend to feel a connection on a deeper level, like whoever the guy is is my soulmate. Though I don’t think that in this instance, because there is no way on earth we could ever be together, maybe I’ve put a mental block there.

ABCD – yes, I have felt this awful lessening of connection on his part, I think he’s deliberately distancing himself, which my head tells me is a good thing, but my heart is aching!