Hey Lola,

It’s so hard isn’t it? But we have to remember that it’s for the best, and perhaps that’s why he’s distancing himself as well. Whether he’s in a relationship or just you, it can never be whilst you are, that is the moral thing to do. I think my moral compass gets skewed by these fantasies and I find it hard to hold on to fact, but the truth is we are both married, and happily so. Something is missing in my marriage for sure but unless I am prepared to nail it down and take some action (and work on myself too), I can’t keep distracting myself with other men, that won’t make things better.

I have been trying to overpower my own mind and keep telling myself all the reasons why it’s wrong, seems to be working. Basically brainwashing myself!

Problem child, my situation also started because he expressed interest. I did feel the glimmer too, but if he hadn’t given any signs, I would have simply moved on. And I am also married with 2 kids, and it has been a happy marriage mostly…
My emotions are all over the place. I go from anger at him for not reaching out, to acceptance and feeling like it will be ok, to sadness, because I know he is distancing himself little by little and I miss our conversations, and I miss telling him about my day and venting about stuff at work. I wish we could be friends like we were a couple months ago.
I don’t know why he is distancing himself. I have never told him I had any feelings. Unless he sensed it somehow, which would be hard as we don’t see each other in person. I want this to be over and to have never happened. But I am also worried that it will keep on happening because something is missing in my marriage, not to anyone’s fault.

Been there…
After reading the comment, I feel like my LO followed this guide lol. He is doing everything you mentioned.

Hi Problem Child, yes, it’s crazy isn’t it! If only we could use the limerent power in our brains to power our electricity or something! Mine keeps waking me up far too early at the moment and I just wish I could put it to sleep like I can my laptop.

Yes, I feel as if refocusing on my SO and putting some fun things in our diary has helped me at the moment.

Good luck to you too, limerent twin! Keep us updated 🙂

Oh my god, you’re me! You’re a parallel me in another life! Yes, I’d love to take my head off and let it fully rest before putting it back on and starting again.
I don’t seem able to reply directly to you, only my own post, so I hope you see this.
Yes, that was me, hating myself yet also loving the effect I can have on men, but not being quite sure/in control of it!
My SOs usually start off as LOs, but only once or twice has it felt reciprocated – current SO is and always was fairly chilled about emotions.
Yeah, I’m trying to focus on stuff like seeing him coming out of the bathroom at work holding his phone and the room stunk – so he’d clearly been having a s*** reading his phone but even that doesn’t work – no hope!I think the key, for me, is working on myself and other things I love doing, which will hopefully lead for less room at all in my head for him!
Good luck to you, we got this!

I’ve tried to do that too, Problem Child – but it’s a weird thing; I’m able to observe physical imperfections in my LOs without it making the least difference to how I feel about them! I think I have more luck with behaviour – if there’s a behaviour I don’t like or that hurt me. Trouble is, I forgive that as well! Sigh.

“I love to be wanted, desired, needed, obsessed over, he doesn’t do that, maybe that’s it.” Yes, yes yes! None of my SOs have ever done that. It’s like I target people for relationships who are friends, and then go doolally for LOs who express their attraction and desire. I think somewhere else you said you swing between thinking you are attractive and hating yourself? Apologies if that wasn’t you, or if I’m misquoting. But I am like that. Even worse, my self-worth is far too tied up in my body because that is the thing that has always attracted my LOs. Recently that has led to a new obsession over my body shape and diet which I need to keep an eye on. LO pulling back to the extent that I feel like a leper or something isn’t helping with that.

Don’t you wish sometimes you could just scoop your brain out, run it under the tap and get rid of all those obsessions, emotional unbalances and dangerous impulses?!!

Thank you C for Cat, it is good to know I’m not alone! I feel all this ‘talking’ about it has helped, makes it more real and therefore so dangerous. Now I have had 3 days away from him so that has probably been a factor – the working week will tell! I am trying to focus on the parts of him I don’t like, behaviour, maybe something in his looks, you know if they’re not perfect… I should say I have had a borderline personality diagnosis too, now perhaps only traits of, so this is an added complication. But if I can switch him to the state of devaluation, maybe I’ll have a chance of getting him out of my head altogether. Not ideal, I don’t want to hate him, but it has to be safer than obsession!

I think, Speedwagon, you are actually me under another pseudonym! Seriously, this is exactly me. Just change ‘women’ to men! Plus I was never physically attracted to my SO, just in a position where I was desperate for affection and love and he was a good friend who understood me. I do love him and try to make it not just a friendship but it leaves me open to falling for people who I find attractive and/or find me attractive. My current LO has also disclosed his attraction to me but he’s now pulled away because he is married and we agreed nothing good can come of any of this. It hurts like hell because I struggle to read peoples’ motivations and feelings, and if anyone changes their behaviour towards me I automatically assume I am boring, unattractive etc. He may well be doing it for both of our sanity, and I’m respecting that and doing my best too, but I feel very rejected.

Problem Child – I do agree completely with your last sentence though – try to limit contact and find fun things to do with your SO. Unfortunately I have been stuck in the house with an injury for the last week, apart from having to go out to rehearse a play I’m in next week. With LO. Where we have to have physical contact. No wonder I’m struggling.

Oh gosh, Problem Child, I hear you! I am struggling with the same thing, though for me we are both married/in a relationship and see each other a lot in a social setting, and can’t avoid that at the moment. I have no advice as I’m feeling rubbish about it myself at the moment, but I just wanted to offer some empathy.