In fact, if you want to get technical, the married person shouldn’t be put in the postion of having to say, “I’m married.” Probably not a good idea to disclose to a married person. You’ve already lost the game. The married person isn’t in the game.

–Except, there have been tens of millions of situations through the years when the someone has been “married” or in a LTR and then left that relationship for another.

I know I was in a “committed” relationship only to have my SO leave and take up with another. Everyone’s SO is basically their “current” SO who replaced their “previous” SO and so on.

Great song choice LE.
I remember that one. Turning it up in the car now..

The self-loathing of limerence. I keep pinging DrL to do a blog on it.

It seems inevitable when coming out of an LE.

This song is an LwL standard: “I Hate Myself For Loving You” – Joan Jett (1988)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjrWw0h1qeo

Oh, my bad. Thanks for clarifying.

Thats cool Lovisa. Actually, it’s not Michigan. But I used to live in Michigan and now live close to Lake Michigan.

I live in Indiana and cross the border to work in Chicago.

Sorry for the misunderstanding..

Mj, I love that you live in Michigan and work in auto manufacturing. That makes my day! I hope I understood correctly.

Some of my immigrant ancestors lived in Dearborn and worked in brick manufacturing until they immigrated west to become farmers on their homestead. My alias, “Lovisa,” comes from one of my Michigan ancestors.

Think we’re in the same place today Adam.

I wasn’t limerent for my Wife either. Think its because LO is new. She is a mystery, she’s beautiful, she awakens something in you, you knew you always wanted in a person, but never had.. And she glimmers. Like a new car rolling off the assembly line. (Yes as an Auto guy, in an assembly plant, I totally see LO like that)

Like that hot new car I’d like to have, LO is one, most likely out of my price range. But one I know, would be so fun to drive.

“I think it’s very common for limerents to feel a profound sense of humiliation when we discover a given LO doesn’t feel the same way, yet has seemingly encouraged attraction/romantic interest to grow on the part of the limerent.”

This is where I am at now. I kick myself a number of times throughout any given day, on all the time I have wasted on this person. Because it all seemed so positive at one time. I thought for sure I could at least be in LOs circle. Even if it was minimal. Now I just don’t want to believe it was all for nothing. And that is a very hard concept for me to grasp.

“Many LOs, conversely, have an immature style of relating to people, so aren’t immediately put off by the intensity. They bond with us intensely at the beginning, dismantle all our normal defences, and then withdraw/disappear when it’s convenient for them to do so.”

This statement rings dead-true for me. I often believe LO knows she is attractive. But that she uses it as her defense mechanism also. Because she picked up from my vibe, very early on. I could just tell. But she never seemed irritated. Her reactions seemed innocent, almost intrigued, but never needing to fully reciprocate. I just thought maybe she was shy. I’ll probably never know. What I do know was that in the presence of her, I was a deer in headlights. I rehearsed way too often what I would have liked to say, only to deliver straight silence, when I could have opened up. She totally and completely knocked the wind out of me, every time.
Now she works in another building, separated from me.
Tell me that wasn’t a great disappearing act.

I hate this. Why wasn’t I limerent for my wife? Why did this woman do this to me? I didnt ask for this. I dont want this. Limerence is leprosery. It’s parts of you falling off your body. You want to keep them. But she keeps steeling them.

Allie1,

From what I’ve gathered reading literature on achieving an “earned secure attachment,” it appears to require 3 things.

1. A competent therapist to guide the process. Not all therapists understand the nature of core damage and attachment to do this well. The function of the therapist is to determine what encoded the brain and essentially remove the old encoding so new encoding may be introduced.

2. A participant who’s willing to change. For the therapist to remove the old, dysfunctional encoding, the patient will have to be willing to confront some potentially very difficult things. Not everyone is capable or willing to do this. As Schreiber puts it:

“Standard modalities of treatment (i.e. psychotherapy, analysis, cognitive-behavioral work, etc.) may not dismantle core trauma, for resolution requires healing the Heart that’s been damaged in infancy and throughout childhood~ not the head.” -https://sharischreiber.com/do-you-love-to-be-needed/

3. A conducive environment. i.e., a partner who has a secure attachment to whom you can anchor to while developing your own. In many cases, this becomes the therapist.

However, since many people with insecure attachment (of whatever variety) attach to others with insecure attachment styles. this can be difficult. Years ago, my social secure included a “High-drama” couple. There always seemed to be some kind of crisis in their relationship and they seemed to feed off each other. Neither appeared to be secure in the other because neither never appeared to be in the same place twice. They were constantly chasing each other’s tails.

It’s a Catch 22. If you’re in an insecure relationship, it’s harder to remove the old encoding. If you can’t remove the old encoding, insecure, unsatisfying relations can become your destiny and you never break out.

I found all three. It took me over two decades. I asked the therapist why I felt the need to do this after so long. The therapist said that I finally felt safe enough to do it. The people that I would have to confront were either long dead (i.e., my family) or I had sufficient time and distance from them so as to render them as non-threatening (i.e., my LOs). I could do it with a minimum of disruption and it would only make things better. I’d also convinced myself that my wife wasn’t going to take off on me.

The therapist said that’s just how long it took for me to become willing to deal with things.

DrL’s probably wincing at my crude analogy but that’s how I see it.

Again, more speculation.