It is absolutely helping me a great deal. I realize that there are two imaginary LOs in my mind, one of which represents my wishes (all my love needs being met) and the other of which represents my fears (he not only doesn’t reciprocate, he thinks I’m a creep and wants to hurt me). Recognizing that both of these are figments of my imagination and that I can focus on the real person who is just a person, has been life-changing and it’s only been recently that I saw this video! It’s definitely helping me break the addictive thought cycle.

What I found interesting was she specifically references the Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style.

Marry that to “For Dutton and colleagues,35 both fearful and preoccupied attachment, as assessed by the RQ and RSQ in abusive men, were predictive for borderline personality, but fearful attachment was so strong a predictor that the authors concluded that having borderline personality was the prototype for this particular attachment style.” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1857277/

I tend to think of limerents as LOs but I suppose they could just as well be limerents.

WRT the rescue fantasy, I’ve said it before that it’s not so much that we want to save them. We want them to save us.

I also think that the reason LO #4 never spoke directly to each other was because it would make this quaint 19th century thing we had going real. I know I didn’t want that and I don’t think that she did either.

“I particularly enjoyed the sections on being more aware of what role the limerent object is playing in your life – and how you have pushed them into that role for your own emotional needs – and the section on radical honesty as a method for reducing limerent idealisation.”

That goes to understanding the difference between fact, presumption, and speculation. Facts don’t kill you. Presumption and speculation kill you.

If you want to read more about Heidi, check out https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/. I don’t think she’s still affiliated with Thought Catalog but I like her stuff, especially her MBTI stuff.

If you’ve got time to kill: https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2017/01/heres-why-they-pulled-away-when-you-were-starting-to-get-close-based-on-their-myers-briggs-personality-type/

Hi Free Fall, I don’t know how to answer your question of “now what?” because I’ve never had a PA. My instinct is for you to run away. It sounds like the PA escalated the already-intense limerent feelings. I can’t remember if you are married, but I wonder if you could find some help through Affair Recovery or Marriage Helper. They have great videos on YouTube. I would also encourage you not to have sexual relations with anyone who you are not married to. Sex creates a bond. I think you are experiencing the aftermath of having and then losing that connection. It would be so hard. Can you change your summer plans so that you don’t have LO exposure?

Good luck!

I really like how you described it, a loop trap. An unmet desire.
At least: my experience with limerence feels like you described. Have to remember this analogy.

“My main LO did give me crumbs of emotional warmth, affection, understanding, etc, at times, and in my mind I massively overvalued those crumbs from him, because I wasn’t getting anything from my dad or from my other male peers. If some commodity seems super-scarce, that drives up the perceived value, right?”

This is how I fell for LO. My wife and I had (and still are with the limerence) been going through a rough patch even before I met LO. Like you mentioned with your father, LO was filling unmet needs I wasn’t getting at home. A mere “thank you Adam” for bringing donuts to the office some random morning would send me to the moon and back. I was seeing more than what it was because rarely does/did I get a “thank you” at home for stopping by the grocery store after a 10 hour day at work when my wife could drive to the store at some point that day herself.

I feel like unmet needs are a huge reason why a lot of people fall into limerence. Even when the LO has no idea that they are fulfilling those needs. Then BAM! we start to see this person for more than they are. They could just be a kind soul and not have any idea what is going on in our heads.

For example I brought assorted donuts to the office one day and LO expressed that she liked sprinkled donuts. My supervisor told me, some weeks later when the subject came up, that the very next day I bought a dozen assorted sprinkled donuts. I didn’t even remember doing that lol Still don’t to this day.

“(Didn’t hurt that the young man was drop-down gorgeous. I think eros and emotional needs can very often get mixed up in human brains, especially the brains of people who are lonely or immature).”

LO is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met in my 45 years of life. She’s the kind of beautiful that makes you feel that she is so out of league that it hurts. I often wondered what a romantic relationship with her would be like but I never really actually pursued it. She was single when I met her. But she could have definitely manipulated me with her looks if she wanted. Just her innocent smile and beautiful green eyes and her wonderful laugh alone made it hard to resist. But in the end it usually faded. More than anything I just wanted to be in her presence. Agape seemed far more satisfying that eros. Even though my stupid man brain seemed to fall for eros here and there.

Thanks, mate. Your kind words of encouragement mean a lot! 👍

“Saying that, I totally agree with her in that the nature of ALL limerence is such that we do not differentiate fantasy from reality very well, which means, if we are being truly honest with ourselves, our connection with LO is actually less real and profound than we believe it to be becuase we subconsciously impart so much imagined nuance on every interaction with LO. Fantasy and limerence really does get in the way of real connection with people, becuase we are not truly seeing THEM. The nature of limerence obscures this fact from us, we tend to believe what we wish to be true instead becuase it feels so good.”

@Allie 1.

Very well-put! I actually think I’m guilty of infusing ALL my relationships, and not just limerence-based relationships, with massive quantities of fantasy. Soooo embarrassing! The bubble has kind of burst though now that I’m getting older, and I feel really disorientated. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life in a dream and I want to run up and shake people and say: “Wait, wait, what? You mean all that wasn’t real? But it SEEMED so real at the time!” 😁😉

Sammy,

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

There’s so much in it. But, what I see in it is hope for the future. Pieces are falling into place and I have no doubt that you’ll emerge so much better as they do. I don’t see how you can’t come out better!

Wow! Just wow!