Hi Aggy, I have the same thing where my LO and I are so mentally in tune (despite the age difference) that people have commented after hearing our conversations (usually a mix of technical stuff mixed with our humor) that we so obviously “get” each other. Really, that is so hard to find in this world! Combine that with gorgeous eyes and it is hard not to ruminate “what if”.

Thankyou guys, your responses are a lifeline. I did look at Speedwagon’s time lead of disclosure, and it does make me hesitate. My motivation was to try and help bring this to an end or expedite the death knell of the LE. My rational brain tells me that my LO enjoys our conversations but nothing more. It’s the glimmer I have to ignore. And his eyes. Oh help me, those divine brown eyes. A colleague made a throw away remark this week to someone else that my LO and I “speak in code” and that’s thrown me back in full tilt. I can’t disclose to him and I can’t disclose to my SO, although I see people have had mixed results. I’ll hang in there. I’ve just deleted The Cars “Why can’t I have you” from my most liked songs. Progress.

Hi Aggy, I understand the desire to disclose. I’ve done it three times: twice to LOs and I disclosed everything to my SO. My current LO disclosed to me. It is always a bad idea to disclose to LO when either of you are in a committed relationship. You might consider disclosing to your spouse. Adam and I both disclosed to our spouses and it seems to be going well for us.

Please read the articles about disclosure. I hope we see you in the comments section again. We try to help each other stay grounded. Limerence is tricky. It is easy to make life-altering mistakes while under the influence of limerence. Talking about your ideas with fellow limerents can help you work through things instead of learning a lesson the hard way. I like how Speedwagon talked about EAs and PAs. Limerence can lead to affairs. You need to decide what is important to you. Decide what boundaries you will never cross. Think about those things when you aren’t drowning in a limerent cocktail of hormones.

Welcome to our club. Best wishes!

I never had a desire to disclose to LO. I instead disclosed to my wife. Unlike you or Speedwagon I never got mixed signals from LO. It was clear that she was just a warm hearted and kind woman. The perfect playground for limerence to make me think it was more than that.

“I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel now, so yes, I’m blindsided.”

The earlier you recognize this the better. I was deep down the rabbit hole before I was willing to recognize that my behavior and thoughts were not normal. Even before I knew what limerence was, I should have been able to see my behavior was different with her. But I didn’t. I finally disclosed because my wife had issues and suspicions about my behavior. So in my case (unlike many other people) disclosure was a positive thing. Four months later she is coming to forgive me and give me a chance to reconcile our marriage.

I don’t know if that is an option for you or not. But of what I have seen from either first hand comments or posts from Dr L disclosure to LO is usually not a good thing. Too many factors that a person might not be considering under the influence of limerence that could backfire. Especially in a professional setting like at the workplace. Thankfully sometime before LO left to another job she started seeing a man and that further complicated things. I don’t think I would have pursued her any, (I honestly felt very little romantic feelings for LO) but it certainly helped me keep things in perspective. If I had felt the need to disclose to LO it would have been in hopes of reciprocation or EA which would have worsened how this LE came out than it already has. I am fortunate to have as forgiving of a wife as I have for as far as it went.

Hi Aggy…you and I are the same person and situation, just opposite genders. I’m 50, married 22 years, my LO is a coworker who is 14 years younger, also married. Been at it about 15 months now.

So, I disclosed at about month 10 after feeling great compulsion to do so. You can actually read the real time lead up to my disclosure and the aftermath first in the “Rescue Fantasy” blog comments and then in the “New Years Purpose” blog comments.

I also wrote about it in the “When Not To Disclose” blog comments.

Bottom line…my LO only felt friendship, and my disclosure sent her into turmoil. She went thru a period of introspection and wanted to quit her job at times for which I did everything in my power not to have that happen. I’m lucky that she only internalized the knowledge and didn’t share it with others or her SO. That could have had great repercussions on me.

She has now come out of the introspection and we still have a warm in office relationship but I also practice a level of Limited Contact with her to help tamper my LE. LE did not go away because of disclosure.

All practical advice would tell you not to disclose. I generally agree with this, though I think there are circumstances where disclosure might be beneficial. But that depends on your specific relational dynamics with LO and also what you are trying to accomplish? Are you looking to get into an EA or PA or are you hoping disclosure and reciprocation will lessen the LE or maybe rejection? At best, rejection might lessen the LE. Any reciprocation will intensify it. Read Lost In Spaces story. He has gone through hell due to a fully mutual LE.

For me limited contact is the best form of lessening the LE. No Contact would be preferred but not possible.

I’m sure others will chime in on this as disclosure is one of the crux of limerence.

I’ve just discovered this blog and only relatively recently become familiar with the concept of limerence at all. I’ve been gorging on so many different posts and threads. Rachel’s case study has resonated with me in a lot of ways, except for the ‘online only’ aspect. I work with my LO. I’m 50, married with kids, and have been in my first ever LE for nearly a year now. I’m blown away by the imagined heaven and living hell my brain has created. Almost impressed by its creativity, force and cruelty. Like Rachel, I was never limerent for my SO (married 22 years). In retrospect I wonder if he was limerent for me when we met and I responded to that on some level. I loved him (and still love him) because he was a thoughtful, caring man who didn’t play games and made his feelings clear to me. But I didn’t feel for him what I feel now for my LO. Not even close. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel now, so yes, I’m blindsided. Btw, my LO is 15 years younger than me, so yeah, I’m a complete fool, but it feels like he gives me very mixed signals. I see from lots of reading that the definition of limerence includes the idealisation of the LO but I can see his flaws and I do feel I see him warts and all. I’m worried I’m close to disclosing to him, in the hope that he returns my feelings even a fraction. I’m not ready to devalue him, if that’s even advisable. I have to keep working with this guy after all. I desperately need advice on how to stop myself disclosing. Knowing it would be disastrous might not be enough of a deterrent to my addled mind. I’m a bit frightened of myself right now tbh.

“I myself am personally a little uncomfortable in general with the concept of “devaluation”. It can seem petty, unkind, spiteful. Also, it can turn into just another way of worshipping LO, and prolonging the obsession. (I.e. I’m not fixating on LO’s good points; I’m just lovingly fixating on LO’s ADORABLE bad qualities. Yay!). 😉”
— Brilliant and insightful, once again. As for the ongoing dopamine supply, I wondered about this as well. I was bushwacked with a moderate limerent episode when I was in my early 40’s, around the time that my first marriage came unglued. After recovery and finding subsequent internal equilibrium I figured that this level of ‘high chemistry’ melodrama could never happen in my life again. I was now sufficiently wizened. Then…fifteen years later, WHAM I was hit by an even bigger emotive freight train, one that I feel as if I’ve barely survived or recovered from. So I’m feeling a bit humbled as of late. Lightning does seem capable of striking twice, at least when it comes to attraction, and my increasing stoicism over the years hasn’t seemed to be the perfect shield. But I’m totally hearing you here – maturity is a great process and does tend to even out certain waves. You, Sir, are a gifted writer!

Why? I would say that is different for each limerent and their LO. Me? LO was fulfilling I need that wasn’t getting met at home. Why I wasn’t doesn’t too much matter. What mattered that it wasn’t and LO inadvertently filled that need just being the kind sweet lady that she is. She did it unknowingly and I responded somewhat unknowingly to what was going on. Hopefully she will not mind, but the much insightful poster Miss Lovisa put it this way ….

“Adam’s masculine instincts were awakened by his LO: he could do nice things for her and her kids (provide), he had his eye on that boy who dated LO’s daughter and on LO’s new SO (protect), he would love to be in the role of LO’s new SO and be the man in her life and her daughters’ lives (preside). His LO woke up his instincts and made him feel alive. Adam was designed to do those things (in my opinion, he was designed to do those things by an all-knowing Creator). His spirit saw an opportunity to be what he was created to be and it woke him up.”

I think I am up to 125 songs on my youtube limerence playlist. This being the most recent addition. While I have known this song since came out, in limerence it makes much more sense. Both in regard to my wife and LO.

Sometimes When We Touch — Dan Hill
https://youtu.be/uVf940pO5ME

Devaluation helps in a sense, as I feel repulsion by the thought of it all, a nightmare, a headache. However, I still can not stop intrusive thoughts of whatever nature. In that sense devaluation didn’t help the way I hoped it will, as now, besides a broken heart, I also have intrusive negative thoughts/feelings of hurt for being played, shame & spite I didn’t see it earlier, fantasies of revenge and whatnot. Still preocupying me far too much to be normal, almost a year after disclosure. And making me feel despair it will never end. Or feeling totally helpless (I know this is not true, but at moments I feel like that).

All of this has just been an extra proof to me how much this ill-sort-of-love has been purely a product of my mind, with a little base in reality. A ~circle~ of wrongly connected synapses, lighting far too often under changed brain chemistry, keeping themselves in stand.

The worst are the mornings: in my dreams I am free, but then the reality kicks in and punches me in te stomack after awakening. Every morning without exception, again and again. No devaluation helps against that.

At moments and out of pure despair, I have thougts of electroconvulsive therapy, or even lobotomy, just for pain to finally go away. To stop. To forget.

I also often feel misplaced in time. Like I am too gentle for world as it often apears to be now. That (limerent-type-of-loving) person like me will never be able to find equal, honest, respectful and reciprocative love. Only to go through mud and thorns of ‘casual dating’. So why bother…