Thanks for that support SL. The Good Lord will not give us any more than we can handle.

But man this cross sure does get heavy at times..

“A horrible Catholic and a terrible Christian”??!! You seem to be the very essence of what Christianity is supposed to be, aside from love for others: repentance and turning away from your old sins.

Same goes for Adam, BTW.

@Heebiejeebies ,

Thanks for your reply. The suicidal thoughts were never so intense that I came close. It was just ideation because in a moment, I could understand why doing such a thing would release me from what felt like drowning. Like there were times I could physically feel an anxious pain in my heart over some disappointment over LO. It was about that time I knew I probably should talk to somebody. Hence, meeting up with the Priest. I also considered my Son and Daughter who didn’t need to go the rest of their lives without a Father.

My Daughter and I are still not on the best of terms, but we are not enemies either. She’s just in her own little world, getting ready to go off to College in the fall and I’m trying to be happy for her and somewhat involved. It’s baby steps for now, but we’ll see what happens. I hope you are correct about the attention to her. Sometimes it feels like even that has no purpose but moody teenage girls are just hardwired like that, so they say..

You are very wise and kind. Thank you for your words. I appreciate your support and following my rants that probably are repetitive in nature at times.

I might have over-embellished my emotions in that post to a degree. Sometimes I just get so into my thoughts of the past and all the dopamine for LO comes rushing back. She’s like comfort food, that still tastes so good everytime I have her in thought. (Like our Friend Gallant, who even in his sadness and grief over his LO, finds a strange comfort in that sadness.) I know it’s not healthy. Just more a guilty pleasure I suppose.. Yet I can say my Lady Friend has helped tremendously in making those dopamine-infused moments less frequent lately. My goal is not to transfer any limerence onto her now. As there have been, what I feel are semi-glimmer moments. She is quite the adorable little thing and checks off so many boxes on my list. Is she perfect? Far from I say, but thats what makes her so much a better choice for me and why I thank my God I’m not losing my mind over her. True, I do like her and her company but limerence is not healthy and I know that projecting any of that on to her would be unfair and probably creepy/cringey, to say the least. I want to keep it normal without going over the edge. So far, so good on that..

I think it is also some of the stress of my Father’s issues that get the best of me sometimes and going around with his needs can be a challenge. I find myself overwhelmed because I know if I still had my Wife, she would be more than happy to help out now and then. In turn then, my Daughter might still be around more often than not as well. So then I just get bitter I do it all solo. (Regretting my sexual addictions got the best of me.) I shouldn’t complain though. I’m trying not to. He’s my Father. He’ll be dead eventually and hopefully I won’t hate myself all the more once that happens.

It’s my bad choices I’m regretting mainly and I have a habit of beating myself up over things that happened ages ago. You’d think I’d even be the type to be mad LO probably enjoyed the ego stroke but I never want to give her that. I’ve never felt that way about her. Can’t hate on something I could easily adore..

If anything, I just picture a time I can eventually ask her how it’s going over there in her corner of the Plant, which might lead to more conversation. Even if it is only work related. Hopefully she’ll respond without feeling forced to do so. Perhaps then, she’ll see I was a normal guy all along. Thereby perhaps her changing her perspective of me.

Hey, it could happen, couldn’t it?
We shall see..

My dad was an actively lapsed catholic, I think his struggles with alcohol were strongly tied to his struggle with that and general detachment from parents, his dad was a 6 year POW and very damaged. He eventually became sober when he returned to the church. Luckily he completely shielded me from any religion, so I’m a very contented atheist so no added complications to the trouble of Limerence.

MJ,

am sorry to hear about your situation. It is incredible how overwhelming the feelings can be, and detached from reality given much worse goings on in your life. My strong suspicion is that for me LE has always been more of a displacement in repsonse to some other trauma. By and large I’ve not experienced it during stable periods although (it isn’t a big sample), more around big life transitions or bigger problems. No idea if that is transferrable to others situations.

On the suicidal thoughts you should definitely get help if they are still recurring, I had the same during LE2 but I think it was more related to depression, stress and loneliness and my dads alcoholism becoming more obvious, and the LE was like an accelerant. Definitely at the height it was more than daily and I wasn’t far off.

The only crumbs I can offer you is that I haven’t had a suicidial thought in well over 10 years, and aside from LE3 and brief recent relapse on LE2. It can get a lot better. I can’t offer a solution but I can only say keep on with your daughter, even if the bonding doesnt feel like it is working, I would hope alone the fact that you show attention and try means a lot to her. Maybe I’m off the mark there but maybe it helps.

Dr L, I’m very sorry for your loss and thank you for this site which is a great resource in the management of Limerence, healing broken hearts and getting lives back on track from the fallout of Limerent experiences.

MJ,
I just wanted to say a few words and also as I’ve followed your posts on this site. From what you’ve said in your posts, you’ve always acted honorably in your dealings with LO in what are difficult and painful situations. As you adore a person but there is no way to convey the feelings and it doesn’t seem as if those feelings are reciprocated to the same degree or even at all.

“She was just a Coworker but seemed like a Goddess. Her eye contact with me drove me out of my mind. Everything she did was Holy. I felt like it was always meant to be. Yet is was only breadcrumbs she gave and really no interest on her part at all, but I’ve never wanted to fully believe that. I still feel like something should eventually happen, yet probably never will. This is the sick reality of a limerent mind.”

Yes, she seemed like a Goddess icon and every action was infused with grace and beauty. But remember, she’s only a human being, like the rest of us. Take her down from that pedestal you’ve put her on.
The real danger of limerence is we project our desire and adoration onto an LO and never get to see their all too human flaws, which are there, but we’re blind to them.
It’s a cruel irony that we have all these pent-up feelings for an LO but sometimes never get close enough to know the person. In cases like ours, it has to be “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.

Sometimes just knowing there are others who’ve been through what I’m going through and have come through it is a big consolation. There is a lot of compassion and wisdom on LwL which has helped me since I had a limerent flare up earlier in the year.

I’m a lapsed Catholic and have almost lost my Christian faith. Though I don’t beat myself up about it and certainly don’t see myself as a bad person. I see myself as a spiritual person but have let go of the certainty of God. Though everyone has their own path to walk.

I felt bitter and disappointment that nothing happened with LO and that she didn’t want me. Thrown in was ambiguous behavior on her part, but really just leading me on in a kind of halfhearted way.

I hope you can repair your relationship with your daughter MJ. In my opinion that should be a top priority and a way out of hopelessness and depression.

I mean how much control do we have to a person (LO) falling for us or reciprocating out intense feelings we have for them? Hardly any it seems to me. It’s almost like some kind of cosmic joke, though a very painful one admittedly.
I hope things go well for you.

Sounds to me like she got out at a good time. The resentments for your Father coupled with whatever was not right between you and your SO was probably the major trigger that set off the LE. The younger, single types seem to be the go-to for some of us older guys on the forum here, so it’s not uncommon. My LO is single, attractive as hell, almost half my age and pretty much unavailable. A prime LO candidate in every way.

I lost my Mother in 2018 to Crohns disease and my Father is currently battling Parkinsons. I can sadly admit that in the depression of what should make me more emotional about that, has not. Nothing makes me as sad as never attaining LO. At times, bitter. I believe the LE has made me numb to feelings of loss and of not being able to do normal things with my Father now as he goes into his sunset. Not to mention the struggles I currently have to deal with in being his only child. It’s like nothing still makes me as sad as not having LO and why should she even matter anymore? She was just a Coworker but seemed like a Goddess. Her eye contact with me drove me out of my mind. Everything she did was Holy. I felt like it was always meant to be. Yet is was only breadcrumbs she gave and really no interest on her part at all, but I’ve never wanted to fully believe that. I still feel like something should eventually happen, yet probably never will. This is the sick reality of a limerent mind.

For myself, I think a lot of my LE centered around loss of marriage, my Mothers death, loneliness and lack of being able to bond with my Daughter after my divorce. My LE eventually went into limbo and has never recovered. I never actually knew my LO either and that made me incredibly anxious all the time. We still work for the same company, just on totally different shifts and in different buildings now. Pretty much it’s all NC, which helps my emotional state. It was in bad shape for a long time. At times, borderline suicidal.

Limerence is no joke. While your situation does not seem as dire in the moment, you might want to talk to someone who can help you in dealing with the lack of grief you are presently experiencing. I’ve not had the greatest luck in finding such a Therapist that knows something about limerence, but there are some that do I guess. I currently talk to a Priest about once a month. It’s better than nothing. However I do still consider myself a horrible Catholic and a terrible Christian.

” loving but emotionally distant and an alcoholic at home”
” whiskey after breakfast drinker and asleep by midday at the end”
“and we repaired our relationship a bit”

This is very familiar. But unlike your experience I am the alcoholic father that is at times emotionally unavailable. And many weekends I am drinking at breakfast and asleep by midday. I began drinking at around 17-18 to escape my own emotionally unavailable father who chose to spend more of his off-work time with church and my folks religion than me. The only way I could make him proud was my dedication and advancement within said religion.

Our boys I think forgive me more for my alcoholic addiction than they do my limerent addiction. I know for certain our youngest harbors a lot of resentment towards me for what I did to his mother. Our oldest is a bit more understanding but also 3 years old than his brother.

“The LE came really strongly out of the blue with a colleague. She was slightly younger, single”
“and then – bam – hit me like a bomb”
“really caused me to behave terribly towards my SO (now thankfully repaired)”
“never attempt in any way to initiate or disclose”

I had a similar situation of being paired with her that came from higher up than my pay grade. I had no choice in the matter. And like you she was just a friendly young lady to work with. We worked well in getting the project done faster and with higher efficiency than corporate had expected. And than one day, a simple smile and a “thank you Adam” sent me over the edge.

We are still reconciling even after two years of her absence. She too left the job about a year after we worked together. I never told her how I felt in any way, keeping it professional at all times. But the whole office knew I had a “crush” on her. When finding Dr. L’s blog here I did disclose to my wife about limerence. But in the background already there was whispers that I was having an affair with her, so I felt it best to tell my wife what I discovered.

“After a while she left the company and neither of us tried to keep in touch.”

Good man. I too have managed two years of no contact. That is really commendable. I will say that, what I thought would not be a problem after she left, that really was; social media. It’s so easy to justify a look here or there and then before you know it, it is out of hand. Beware, it is the devil.

Glad to have you here. Hopefully others will chime in with something that will really help besides me just being able to relate to your limerence.

I’ve not had many limeric episodes, but the last of them, relapse excluded, LE 3 i believe is the correct term, the most atypical for me, was seemingly, completely triggered by my father’s death. I think it even served as a repalcement or coping mechanism and allowed me to repress any feelings about my father, and I haven’t been able to access any feelings about him since, and often struggle to even remember him, even though it is only 7 years ago.

Sorry, I feel a bit selfish here for tagging my own story on to the end of what is clearly a tragic loss for you, but hopefully by the end the slightly different angle becomes clear and it’s not just me unloading my own experiences in the least appropriate thread of all…

We had a complicated relationship, he was a lovely man to people outside the immediate family, loving but emotionally distant and an alcoholic at home. Habitual evening drinking when I was young, but increasingly severe as I i began to flee the nest, to the point where he was a full blown rehab cycling, whiskey after breakfast drinker and asleep by midday at the end. He managed to stay sober for 2 years before he died and we repaired our relationship a bit, but it remained emotionally closed somehow. I held his hand as he slipped out, but I couldn’t talk about it with anyone and only grieved briefly, and rebuffed my families attempts to talk about it with me.

Somehow I’d managed to land my dream job in the interim and dived into that hardcore, with an SO at home and first child. The LE came really strongly out of the blue with a colleague. She was slightly younger, single, and we had very similar family backgrounds – our parents had very similar ‘cultural’ backgrounds, jobs, we’d grown up in similar towns near each other, so on paper at least there was a very clear link to my own family history.

The whole thing honestly started out of nothing, different departments in a small company, we worked on a project together, were hanging out a bit privately without any particualr intentions on my part, and then – bam – hit me like a bomb. I recognised the spiral from LE 1 and 2 even if I didn’t have the vocab i’ve devoured here in the last couple of days, but this remains the only time I’ve had an LE without a romantic liaison beforehand.

It was incredibly intense, really caused me to behave terribly towards my SO (now thankfully repaired), but I was at least aware enough to never attempt in any way to initiate or disclose anything, i kept my distance, no false signals, and then suddenly 3-4 months later it just faded out and we became friends/colleagues again with a bit less hanging out and it simply felt like beforehand very quickly. After a while she left the company and neither of us tried to keep in touch.

The odd thing, and why I wrote this here, is it completely sidelined any feelings around my father. I have never been able to access any feelings about him since then, talk about this or even really grieve for him since. I’ve been contemplating therapy to resolve this, but now I’m wondering if somehow I dealt with it already via an LE, or just triggered by his death. I’m wondering if I could actually need to find a therapist who understands limerence for it to even be useful.

Anyhow, sorry for your loss DrL, I love the website, you are doing so much good in the world. It’s a real inspiration to live purposefully. In two days I’ve probably got further in working out what is up with me than the last 20 years.