Correction: gay friends

@Nisor.

That sounds lovely, Nisor. Thank you for sharing. Hugs. 😛

Hi Sammy,

Guy men and straight men can have healthy friendships. I can somehow affirm so because my SO have had guy friendships, and he was highly respected from guy men, since he treated them as equals, and he is the fatherly type. They would ask him for advise on business, share their problems, banter with them and share a cup of coffee together . My SO has no complexes, is an extrovert and is a down to earth person, very understanding open minded type of personality. I also had guy friends, treated them as anyone else, as a matter of fact I felt safe with them, as straight men are almost always trying to flirt with women and make us uncomfortable (if one is not interested in them.) One cannot put everyone in the same basket, some men behave very macho style , like toxic , and it’s not even pleasant to some women either. Western countries have finally accepted the fact that we are all part of the same universe and there’s no need for discrimination. We can get along very well as decent human beings sharing the same space.

And we all lived happily ever after!

Have a marvelous weekend. Hugs

@Adam.

Your friendship with Frederico is heartwarming. 😛

I was just trying to explain why some attachments seem to cause us so much pain and other attachments don’t cause us pain. 😉

I wouldn’t think that the risks of same sex friendships for homosexual individuals would be any different than opposite sex friendships for heterosexual individuals. But I do wonder would the risks double for bisexual individuals?

As an aside my wife’s childhood friend is homosexual and we are friends. And I consider frederico my friend. Like you said I think that if there is no attraction on one party’s part the relationship can work.

@frederico.

I should add that I absolutely think straight men and gay men can be friends under most circumstances.

However, if the gay man is limerent for the straight man, then the infatuation will make the friendship painful for the gay man, because the gay man probably wants a degree of closeness that the straight man probably can’t give, and the reason the straight man can’t give the desired level of closeness is because deep down he doesn’t really feel the same need/desire for closeness. He’s happy overall with less closeness.

And this emotional imbalance is true of course in relationships between men and women (when only one party is infatuated and the other isn’t) and in relationships between two women (when only one party is infatuated and the other isn’t).

Basically, when one mixes friendship and romance, the outcome seems to be pain. Because, of course, one party is “in love” and one party is “not in love”. And the party who’s “in love” always wants more closeness than the party who’s “not in love”. It’s really sad if one happens to be the person who wants more, but it also just seems to be the way life is. We can’t always be close to the people we want to be close to. 🤔

@frederico.

“Sammy, I don’t always understand your posts but, goodness, I found this one very powerful. ”

That’s okay, buddy. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Many of my older posts no longer make sense to me. I can’t re-read them without cringing, and I don’t recognise myself in the person who wrote them. My thinking was … unclear.

If I want to read posts that are consistently worth reading, I read Marcia’s. 😉

Hello everybody,

Good news, I have spoken to someone about the LO as I just felt I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I have also booked sessions again with my therapist. I confided in a friend that has gone through this and in fact, she ended up divorcing her husband. She does not regret her decision but she mentioned, as some of you have suggested, that the issue is not really the LO, that is just a symptom of my relationship.
Speaking to someone has been such a relief, I was able to sleep well which I hadn’t for a long time! I am seeing my LO in a different light and now I just hope I won’t meet him on the street as I go out of the house. It was the exact opposite only a few weeks ago. I think I am in a detox process and I’m feeling a lot more calmer now. Euphoria was an exciting feeling but the dark side of that was not very pleasant for me or my soul. Final stage is full NC!

While my LO has been very flirty over the past several months, he’s always kept to boundaries, always been a gentleman. No sexting or improper suggestions. That’s how I know he cares. Your LO acts like he wants a notch on his bedpost–not worth the trouble! I feel sympathy for you especially because he’s a neighbor and you can’t just, say, go to a different gym and stop seeing him around. But definitely no more long talks alone. 😛

Hi Mila, yes some of the article is a bit last century. Ha ha. I don’t fit that old fashioned wifey type at all either. It just helped me reflect on why am I going a bit off the rails. I suddenly want to be desired and desirable since glimmer with LO ( this is my only LE). I’ve never yearned for attractive men – appreciate their physique as you say but not desiring them like some of my friends openly would – eww! My LO is more than just attractive in his looks though, it’s a long list of lovely traits. Sigh! Hormones are complex – I don’t know the answers. Just know they play a role and are difficult to manage from puberty onwards. sigh again.