Louisa,

Bravos! 👏👏👏

Update:

I had lunch with LO2 and our friend. It was so nice. We had a great time chatting and catching up. There was no limerence at all. It felt normal again. I’m grateful that I got through limerence without hurting my relationships. My SO didn’t seem to mind that I went to lunch with my former LO either.

I guess disclosure worked for me. I wouldn’t have expected this outcome. My SO, LO2 and our friend all know that I had “feelings” for LO2. I never did anything inappropriate, to put it another way, I never acted on my feelings. Neither did LO2. Both of us focused on our marriages. I am in a much better place now. His marriage is in a better place, too, which blows my mind. He and his wife solved a problem that plagued them for 30 years. Holy cow!

The only person who doesn’t know is LO3. He is the person who I transferred my limerence to. I genuinely believed that I would keep it in my head and LO3 would be unaffected. I think I leaked symptoms because he developed feelings for me. We decided to accept our feelings and have a friendship anyway. We chose to be faithful to our spouses. I didn’t want this to become an emotional affair so I was careful to limit the frequency of contact, and I have been honest and open with my husband. LO3 is a positive influence in my life. He encourages me to be a better version of myself. I think that is just his personality. I’m grateful for boundaries because I couldn’t have these men in my life without boundaries.

LO2’s friend mentioned something interesting at lunch. He said that other people struggle to control their impulses. He was expressing gratitude that our church taught us how to control ourselves. I thought it was an interesting thing to say. He is right that our church taught us to live high standards and I am very grateful for those standards. But I think other people live high standards and control their impulses, too.

Anyway, I really think I am done with limerence. It was never as bad with LO3 as it was with LO2. I think what worked for me was…

1. Transference to reduce symptoms quickly.

2. Minimize and avoid daydreams

3. Not acting on my limerence

4. Purposeful living. I started a new hobby: running. I am obsessed with running. It gives me highs and there is always something to think about. If nothing else, I can sign up for a race because I will obsess about an upcoming race every time. I really really really love running! Who knew that a middle-aged woman could finish a 50-mile race a year and a half after starting the sport? I didn’t. I didn’t even know I could run a marathon.

Good luck everyone!

To better understand my arachnid fears, there has been a wolf spider that has been hanging out right at the bottom of our front screen door since Friday evening when he first spooked me. Despite us and cats going in and out the door he hasn’t moved much. So I named him Bob the Spider. Because much like Bob in “What About Bob?” he won’t go away. 🙂

I love your ideas, DmmitHardison! Thanks for addressing my issues with me, too. I’m going to break something the next time my emotions get too big. I’ll let you know how it goes.

We have smash rooms, but they cost $45 for a session. I’m too cheap for that. But I’ve heard they are a lot of fun. My sister-in-law did it and loved it. I’ll think about it.

Adam, thanks for your thoughtful response. I understand what you mean about how alcohol is important to you when you compared it to my running. Every time I get injured, I am so frustrated if I can’t run. Every cell in my body screams out “please take us running.” But a small cluster of cells around the injury say, “Oh no you don’t, Lovisa. We will punish you if you go running.” (My cells call me Lovisa, btw). I hate when anything stands between me and the trail. I’m not even polite about it sometimes, so I guess I understand.

Thanks for the song. I haven’t listened to it yet because I’m replying first. Half of my siblings live in Kansas. It’s beautiful! There are lovely community trails with lots of flora and shade.

Well, good luck with your son. I had to tell my oldest daughter about my inappropriate relationship with LO1 because she wouldn’t stop bringing him up. Also, she was planning to attend an event where she would meet him (she already knew him from her younger years, but only vaguely remembered him). He would have known she is my daughter and I didn’t want her around him when I’m not there so I told her. I didn’t tell her everything. I kept it minimal. But now she understands why her parents get uncomfortable when LO1 comes up. It’s not something I’m proud of.

Best wishes!

Lovisa, I wish there was a ‘smash room’ in every city. Just a place with donated old items (broken tv’s, fax machines, plates etc) that people in protective gear can smash with baseball bats or tire irons. That’s all I wanted to do when my mama passed away, just throw plates and other stuff to safely get the anger out. I remember telling a friend whose husband died of SADs (it’s just like SIDs, only it happens as an adult) he had no cardiac disease, no underlying or undiagnosed issues at all, yet got out of bed said something to her and seconds later fell to his floor in full cardiac arrest. My advice to her was break old chipped plates, glasses, coffee mugs etc and scream….she had the Canadian forest behind her house, so she could safely do that away from their son.

Of course, your siblings might stop and say ‘why is she all of a sudden drinking’, they’d really stop and wonder why you were breaking stuff though. Just don’t aim anything at anyone *general disclaimer*…. I have found over the years, the death of a loved one does 1 of 2 things: Either brings out the best or the ugliness/hatefulness in people, and it puts stress on the body and mind. So be gentle with yourself.

And you are welcome about the song meaning, I found Dax on FB reels long before I showed Adam the song. It does sound like he’s speaking of the here and now but it’s really just an autobiographical about what he had done and was like in the past… He has another one about keyboard bullies and general ugliness hidden being ‘anonymous’ screen names called Joker, it sounds like he’s agreeing when really he’s calling it out (it does have cuss words but a great message really).

Take care of You!

Ok Cat, looks like we’re stuck together. I’m not complaining, so I’ll get us a pitcher of tea.. We’re probably going to need it..

🐈‍⬛💖🤷‍♂️

Thank you Lovisa, you’re very sweet. So glad you are back with us.

You have every right to be angry with me Miss Lovisa. I deserve it. I want this woman out of my head. It’s not a possible fairy tale with a possible happy ending like with MJ and his LO where they could possibly be together. I don’t want to put my wife through this. Or apparently our youngest boy now too. But I got limerent sober. My sober, 100% functional brain is what started this all. And I don’t say that to justify my drinking, just the truth. What if I’d never met her? Would it be just another woman or would it never have happened? What is the issue for me? I love my wife. I want nothing more than her to be the only one in my head. Does her skin crawl when I touch her wondering who I am thinking of?

” I wanted to ask your thoughts about me possibly drinking alcohol to cope with the stress of my fighting siblings. ”

Some people can drink in an instance to escape a situation and be fine. Not turn it into an addiction. Some people can’t, like me. The only way you can find out is try it. Not something I would suggest. Functioning alcoholism is one the worst things. On the outside you seem totally normal. Outside of my immediate family my alcoholism is completely oblivious to most of my and my wife’s family. My co-workers at the jobs I have over the years. My wife told me one of her uncles (not the one she mentioned that got sober) is a functioning alcohol and even as one myself I had no clue. He’s ninja level discreet apparently.

I was sitting on the porch before posting this and staring at the glass I had made my first drink for the day at 9am. Dax’s song came to mind “Looking at this bottle having nothing but doubt, I don’t want to drink but it keeps coming around and around and around”.

I thought of a way I might be able to express my drinking in terms you might understand Miss Lovisa. I remember you talking about your “runner’s high”. One of the things that I learned when I quit snuff was that the routine is just as much of a addiction to break as the actual substance itself. You enjoy running. It may have health benefits but you enjoy the actual activity. You aren’t running to chase the “runner’s high” you enjoy the activity that gets you that high as well. So imagine someone saying you can’t run anymore. Not only will you miss the running itself but also the high that it gives you. That’s the closest I think I can explain the allure of drinking to you Miss Lovisa.

“I am very concerned for your son. Can you discuss it with him?”

I don’t know. I don’t know if he would want to discuss it. Our oldest boy will come right and say whatever the hell he wants to lol. So much like his mother. Our youngest not so much. He is more like me. He will confide in his mother before he does me, at least with personal feelings like what he witnessed that night. I don’t think he will ever bring it up to me. I would have to start that conversation and I am not sure I am brave enough for that. I like to think that there is still some innocence in him and I don’t want to dump the life of an adult on him at 17 with trying to explain to him that is father has an obsession with another woman that isn’t his mother.

“Please forgive my naïveté, it seems like the drinks are the problem. It seems like Adam wouldn’t behave like that if he were sober.”

Is it possible that this damn limerence would go away faster, if I didn’t drink? Possibly. Or perhaps sobriety wouldn’t be the escape I need to forget her. Maybe the alcohol makes it worse. I know in general alcohol is destructive in excess. But I feel the limerence is at it’s core something more than my drinking. Maybe the drinking exasperates it but I don’t think sobriety would make anything different. Though I know that sounds like me justifying my drinking. And maybe subconsciously it is. LO appealed to me for a reason. Does the lower inhibitions of being drunk make it easier to dwell on her vocally? That’s possible. But the question is why does this woman appeal to me so much? Why can’t I forget her? Why is my family falling apart for her? This woman has bewitched me and it’s at the expense of everything I have worked for since long before I met her. Why?

This is totally a tangent. But I feel I need to share this. I know how life can be difficult sometimes. Especially with this limerence and the other issues we are fighting with together. It is very easy to take a spouse for granted. I remember chasing miles to put food on the table when our first son was born 14 weeks early. I was working 10-16 hour days to provide while my wife spent days in a row at the NICU with our son. I remember one night I got to the hotel she was at that was right by the hospital after I got off work. I was in the early morning, like 3am and I had been having some drinks. This was probably a month after he was born. I asked my wife if I could hold him. He was so tiny. I was so scared. I didn’t want to hold my own son. Yet she would go to feed him daily and pump milk for when she couldn’t be there for the nurses to feed him. She tirelessly looked after him for months until they released him to come home. It was 3 months before they let him come home. She took care of him all that time.

Anyway this song is about the struggles people go through. In this particular song; men. I think every man, woman and child should hear this song, so I am just tagging this at the end of this long post. Dax actually returned to his hometown in Kansas and spent time with locals to make this music video. All this people in this video are real people with their own stories not actors.

“Unconditional love is for women, children and dogs”

To Be A Man — Dax
https://youtu.be/tHxip2x-PLc

Thanks Cat, I hope things get better in your family. I’m glad you’re trying to understand your sister. That sounds like a tricky situation, but you’re working towards a resolution and that is awesome.

Being the piggy in the middle is no fun. It kind of feels the same as the fighting between my parents when we were kids. They were awful to each other after they divorced. My oldest brother and only sister are carrying on the tradition I guess.