Lovisa,
“I feel fortunate that my three Limerent Experiences were with really good men (well maybe not the first one, but at the time he seemed genuine). All three were married and conflicted about their feelings for me. ”
I mean, I guess it’s better to be limerent for someone with some character and some basic level of compassion for you, but at the end of the day, limerence is still an impossible situation that causes a lot of pain, no?
” I haven’t figured out yet why I do it. Maybe I’m a junkie for the dopamine hits? I don’t know. ”
Well, that’s the key. To figure out why you do it. I have, after reading this site for a while, finally understood why I become and the type of person that triggers it. My strategy (if I even have one) is to avoid the other side … I work with almost all women, I hang out with women. So far it’s working. 🙂 (Of course, I can’t do it forever.)
“My husband loves how it sends my libido through the roof. Maybe that’s why I do it.”
So other posters have written similar comments. I guess the theory is … it’s ok where the oven is heated up, as long as the cooking is done at home? Idk. I personally wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that as the spouse. Being riled up by an LO seems to be quite different than being riled up after a Chippendale’s show. Because an LO is such a specific person who the limerent actually develops feelings for.
“My first LO was a teacher in college who intentionally seduced me. That LE lasted 17 years and it was dormant at times.”
That does not sound like someone with some character if in fact you were college-aged and he was, I’m assuming, quite a bit older.

Marcia, you make a really good point. I see why it probably wouldn’t happen except if one of you is unavailable.

And I see why you are uninterested in a new LE. The types that trigger limerence in you are no good. You have good self-awareness. Thank you for being so open about your experiences.

I feel fortunate that my three Limerent Experiences were with really good men (well maybe not the first one, but at the time he seemed genuine). All three were married and conflicted about their feelings for me. Which is how I experienced it, too. I’m happily married and baffled about my tendency towards limerence. I haven’t figured out yet why I do it. Maybe I’m a junkie for the dopamine hits? I don’t know. My husband loves how it sends my libido through the roof. Maybe that’s why I do it.

My first LO was a teacher in college who intentionally seduced me. That LE lasted 17 years and it was dormant at times.

My second LE was a former coworker who I’ve been in contact with for more than 20 years. He was a genuine friend. One day he hypothesized that his wife’s low libido was due to his undesirability and I told him I think he’s desirable. I was trying to be a good friend and ease his suffering. Big mistake! It sent both of us into a confusing emotional head spin. I really don’t know why something so innocent triggered limerence in me. It triggered something in him, too, but obviously I can’t speak to that. I can only say that his behavior toward me changed and his best friend said some things to me that implied there could be mutual limerence between us. We both went no contact off and on because we both wanted to be loyal to our spouses. It got so weird.

The second LE was a year ago and it’s what brought me to LwL. I was desperate to get rid of the intrusive thoughts. I avoided transference at first because I didn’t want to endure another Limerent episode, but nothing else was working. So, when my current LO started paying attention to me I decided to lean into it. I thought I could transfer, and then get out before the dark side of limerence kicked in: the miserable intrusive thoughts. Of course I didn’t want to hurt my new LO at all. He is a really good person. So I decided to be extremely attentive to all communication from him. I thought that would eliminate uncertainty. I had figured out the dangers of disclosure to LO, so I knew I wouldn’t go down that road. Unfortunately, he disclosed his attraction to me. He was just trying to make sense of his feelings and protect both of our marriages. That disclosure happened in June. We are still very much friends. And we are still very committed to our SOs.

That is my story. Thanks for sharing yours.

Lovisa,
“How can you be so sure that your LOs weren’t limerent?”
Well, for example, two of them were single and available. So was I. One wanted to meet up for sex for an hour a week. And that’s it. One wanted to date casually. “I want to take it slow” was what he said. Do those guys sound limerent to you? Another was married. We were having an affair. I broke things off. During the affair, he said he didn’t want to leave his wife. Called me after the affair was over to say they were working on things. He reappeared months later. She was no longer in the picture … and now his attention was focused on me. Does that sound like he was limerent or that it didn’t work out with her and now he was exploring what he thought of as a second option?
“‘And why do you assume that you wouldn’t develop limerence for a fellow limerent? I’m just curious. ”
Well, limerence develops when there are barriers. So if you have two limerents who fall for each other and there are no barriers, it’s not really limerence as there’s nothing to stop it from developing. Now, what could happen is I become limerent for a limerent who is not available. But I have a tendency to become limerent for a push-pull, hot and cold dynamic. I think another limerent, even with barriers, would be too effusive and emotive for limerence to develop for me. I could be wrong. It’s just a gut feeling.

Marcia, you have me wondering. How can you be so sure that your LOs weren’t limerent? And why do you assume that you wouldn’t develop limerence for a fellow limerent? I’m just curious. I noticed that you have a specific type and you need to be in a specific mindset for your limerence to kick in, but I don’t see why the LO couldn’t be a fellow limerent if your other criteria were met. Maybe I’m missing something.

Lovisa,
“Marcia, I think you and I experience limerence differently. I’ve never experienced it with someone who didn’t already show interest in me. And of course I don’t know if they are experiencing attraction or limerence (I hope it’s just attraction), but either way it is what feeds my limerent beast. ”
I am the same way. I have never become limerent for someone who didn’t show interest. But with my maybe 6 to 7 LEs since high school ( I don’t count high school), I don’t believe one LO was a limerent or at the very least limerent for me. So I don’t think I’m personally susceptible to other limerents. They were attracted and interested but not limerent. There’s a big difference.

Dr. L, you are right that it would be irresponsible to

“…outline exactly the psychological techniques that LOs can use to deliberately cultivate obsessive infatuation in others.” Sorry.

Marcia, I think you and I experience limerence differently. I’ve never experienced it with someone who didn’t already show interest in me. And of course I don’t know if they are experiencing attraction or limerence (I hope it’s just attraction), but either way it is what feeds my limerent beast. I know my weakness, and I do not belong in a room full of people who I know are vulnerable to limerence. It’s like asking a drug addict to pick up your narcotics on the way home. It’s a bad idea. But, seriously, if you and the others can pull it off… oh, I would love to be a fly on the wall. The thought of that conference amuses me.

LE,
Mike Royko. I haven’t heard that name in years.
I used Rhett Butler as an example. I can’t post the exact things my LOs said to me that pushed my buttons. They’re too specific … but much more clever than “you have a nice butt.” 🙂

Marcia,

I grew up outside Chicago. I know exactly what Rhett meant. One family friend called me “the best 5yr old con man in the city of Joliet.”

As Mike Royko put it, “Ubi Est Mea.”[ “Where’s mine?”]

LE,
Inappropriateness aimed directly at me, is what I meant.
Like when Scarlett thanks Rhett for the gifts he brings her (they are not married yet), saying he is being kind. He responds, “I’m not kind. I’m just tempting you. I never give anything without expecting something in return. I always get paid.”

Sammy, thank you so much for such a comprehensive answer. Your insights are really helpful. I experienced limerence first time in my life and I was going mad, I was not able to control my mind, my emotions were all over the place. It was love at first sight, the moment I saw his face I blacked out for a second, the same very moment I lost my personality, my true self. For looong months I’ve been struggling with this obsession and the thing is that it is or was (not sure past or present) mutual. But after that negative event something has changed, I still want to be around him and talk to him, but I am no longer obsessed. I don’t mind not to see him, I don’t get upset if I don’t see him on a regular basis. I really like the peace and quietness of my disordered brains, lol. That is the big thing that has changed – FINALLY, I FEEL PEACE. I am not constantly anxious anymore. But what I am really scared of – that full blown limerence will come back. Is that possible? What are the chances?