Allie 1.

“I took 3 weeks leave one xmas and found myself feeling miserable as I missed him and could not stop thinking about him. I realised at that point that I had fallen head over heels.”

That’s it right there, Allie. You are indeed experiencing limerence and not just a crush or new relationship energy.

The same thing happened to me – almost identical circumstances – sadness/longing after a brief period of separation.

In two sentences, you’ve captured the feeling of longing and how this feeling of longing just sneaks up on one. 😛

I had no language for this. I thought it was love, literally.

Now I know this is a hungry demon that has just attached itself to different people. It is an attachment wound.

I have even been limerant for things. When I was a little girl I would fantasize about getting certain things or certain events and have a sense of euphoria and also a feeling of, “once I have this, everything will be different.”

This has taken time and potential partners from me. It has robbed me of the present and of paying attention to my own life.

I am done with it. I want it gone. I have also been diagnosed with ocd.

I clearly have a deep attachment wound. I want to heal that and not believe the lying fantasy mirage oasis that limerance constantly dangles in front of me.

It is not real. I am real. It is not love. I am love. Today I am here to claim this as the truth and vow to live in the truth as the only other option is a slow spiritual death.

I wish everyone here healing.

It sounds cruel, brutal emotionally. How can anyone recover from that? Wishing you courage and strength.

This sounds very familiar and I thank you for posting it.

When I met LO I had to work with her to fix a huge f’ing mess that was the fault of a former co-worker, at the time, and management sent me to her location to help. So at work she had stress. She was also recently divorced with an ex still trying to be toxic in her life. And she has now two daughters to care for on her own.

I found that the more I knew about her lot in life both personally and secularly and the more that she needed someone to help/listen/advice the more I became attracted to her. I had know her (just through phone conversation at work previously) for a year before I ever became limerent.

Now from what you say about yourself, I see the need for me to “rescue” her from whatever it was, was more about me than her. I had a need to save her from this work load, listen to her about her personal life, give advice when she asked for it, wasn’t JUST because I did and do care about her, but it also filled a need I have as a people pleasing ISFJ.

And maybe that dynamic, her getting help out of our relationship as co-workers and me getting something out of “saving” her is what made the limerence flare up? That’s an interesting thought as previously I really could not pin point when she went from just a nice co-worker to LO. All I can remember is one day I walked the office and was talking to her first thing that morning and all of a sudden I saw her differently.

limerence only feels strong because of the unavailability of the partner ; if the relatinship becomes valid, if she would acept you and take you on as a totally normal and valid partner and shout your name form the rooftops , the dream would die and you would immediately know how horrible of a decision you have made. Look at the research these situationships do not last.

I love the way you think about limerence, almost as a message to yourself about something adjacent in your life, but not actually about the LO. I have noticed that after a loss (a close friend moves, a death of a loved one, a break up) I have historically gotten into a particularly close friendship with someone new. It isn’t usually a bad thing, but it is a response more about what I’m going through than about compatibility with the new person. I’m going to think back about my LEs and what was going on for me around them, and what message they might have signified. This is a good reminder of how incidental our LOs often are.

Have you considered polyamory? To me this is the way to healthily and honestly explore your lwl relationship with your wife by your side.

At least it was for me. When I left an unhealthy relationship, a lot of people did not understand why I would break up our family. To this day I still get pityful looks when I say I’m a single mother. People don’t understand what a wonderful alternative it is to what our life was like before and how much both my child and I are thriving. It’s freeing in a way.

When I was younger I had this idea ingrained in my head what my life was supposed to look like and be like and I had to mourn this idea when it all crumbled. And now I feel free. Not only of the unhealthy relationship but also of societal and my own expectations.

Doesn’t prevent limerence though, oh well.

Thanks for the reassurance, Limerent Emeritus, what I needed to hear.