Hi John, Nisor gives good wisdom as always.
To add… from what you wrote I’m not sure you are limerent. Barriers does not necessarily mean you are experiencing limerence, which is a very good thing ! You still have challenges and big life decisions ahead. Maybe good to reflect on the early stages of your relationship with your husband and what was it that connects you and foundation of your love and then work through what has changed and why, and can you both get it back before you both decide not to. A marriage is a not to be thrown away lightly as you made serious commitments to each other. The novelty, euphoria and joy you are experiencing with your love interest will be less shiny in time, it’s just how it is as real life kicks in. each relationship is different so best not to compare. Best wishes for your reflections and your path ahead

Hi John Braille,

It seems you are determined to end the relationship as you don’t feel comfortable in it. I don’t see, why not, by the way you describe the situation, there’s nothing else you can do to save it , but to move forward and start a new life. Sometimes one need to examine oneself and see what do you want to do with your life, and limerence is an eye opener. It’s a total revolution in your life ! So be it. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I was not comfortable , not appreciated and unhappy. What is not right is staying in there. Just give yourself time to heal before getting seriously involved again. Enjoy the LO but don’t compromise so fast…

Best of wishes and good luck.

While things haven’t been perfect in my marriage to my SO, my (possible) limerence has emerged from spending time with my LO in a couple type situation while separated from my SO.

The separation happened through factors outside of the LOs influence but the LO played a part when he confessed his love for me.

My SO is also introvert, non social and my marriage became one of coexistence with shared goals more than anything else. Cracks have appeared in the marriage, notably my SOs behaviour towards me which I find at times unacceptable. A particular outburst before a vacation “broke” me to the point I felt that staying in the relationship would be to ignore any semblance of self respect I have.

My SO agreed to therapy and wants to make things work, however shortly after the LO (a lover from my open relationship who came back on the scene) came in the picture and confessed to have very strong feelings towards me and cut contact as a form of self protection. Things moved quite quickly (as I already knew I had similar feelings) and this developed into admission of love with each other.

With the LO on the scene, I withdrew from my SO and had to demand a separation. In spending time with the LO I see what I want in a relationship. He shows affection, holds my hand when we walk down the street (my SO never would) DANCES with me in public. Many things point to limerence but I don’t find myself obsessing over the LO, it’s more a comforting knowledge that he is there and he appreciates me.

I have taken a 2 week vacation far away to consider my feelings, but it seems that my marriage may be over. the LO showed me what I want from a relationship and knowing that saving my marriage involves compromises that I don’t think I’m willing to make, it seems there is no other choice.

Lost in Space, I think you might like this video.

https://youtu.be/QF4xjfiesXY

The man in the video explains that love is unselfish and when someone feels love, they want what is best for the other person regardless of how it affects them.

Lol, The Rock is right.

Lovisa – yeah, I’ve always been impressed by how unselfish she’s been and how she’s consistently kept us in check by trying to put herself in my wife’s shoes.

I remember one time a few months ago when she texted me a link to some love song and wrote something like “I thought about you and your wife when she heard this”. I responded with “aww, that’s sweet of you” and she wrote back “well, actually I thought about you and me first, but I really want it to be about you and your wife”.

She really is a good person. She’d make such a good partner for me…

The Rock: “It doesn’t matter if she’d make a really good partner. You already have a wonderful wife!”

You are very welcome. I learn a lot from you, too. I feel confident that when your LO pulls away, she is unselfishly trying to do what is best for your family as well as hers. But probably more for your family since her family situation is a little odd.

Lovisa – “Oh, I just hate that this remarkable husband and father of four was questioning if he belonged in a marriage with me instead of his wife. He does not. He belongs with the mother of his children who he built a beautiful life with. She is a descent enough woman and they can work through their struggles”

Substitute “father of three” for “father of four” and I can easily imagine my LO thinking these exact same words to herself. Again, I feel like your writings give me such insights into the mind of my LO. I need to remember that when she pulls away or sets boundaries, she’s doing it out of respect for my marriage and a desire for my true happiness, not to hurt me or because she’s rejecting me. Thank you.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/11/diary-of-toxic-love/499277/

And I will look into getting a professional therapist.