Comments on: Is your limerent object a narcissist?

By: Ella

Ella — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 18:39:25 +0000

In reply to Peter. do you mean apply their " limerence" to others.. perhaps a future topic to explore

By: Bee Wholly

Bee Wholly — Mon, 18 Sep 2023 10:35:07 +0000

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By: George

George — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 08:59:25 +0000

Another very valuable blog post thank you Dr L.
This excellent video refers to the characterises of narcissistic abuse – Chronic invalidation, Lack of respect, Lack of mutuality, and Cold indifference.
I felt all of these with my LO – I’m not sure if they were narcissistic (they certainly did not have narcissistic pd) OR it was their neuro-divergency that made me feel all of these things. It’s only in retrospect that I see it more clearly – although I do remember during the relationship with LO that I thought maybe my friendship was transactional. Certainly they were intolerant to disappointment and did not show empathy in a way that I could detect – it may have been expressed in some other way.
I tended to blame myself for finding myself in the very unexpected and mind-bending LE – alas, this post along with MANY others on this site have helped me process it all and realise that limerence is multi-factorial and as Dr L has said, a life-quake that can facilitate growth.

By: Tired of this shit

Tired of this shit — Wed, 19 Apr 2023 02:09:49 +0000

My LO is a classic narcissist. He posts selfies everyday across social media, for which he always received constant validation in the comments about how hot he was. On one of those questionnaires on Facebook, he listed his only red flag as being “too sexy and hot to handle.” He took selfies in front of signs that said “hot hot hot” and “hello gorgeous.” He posts everyday on social media of him at work, on a walk, seeing a movie, whatever as if it were the most exciting thing to see him do. You might think that would be obnoxious, but it seems everyone fell over themselves to worship him. This has made NC much easier because he does not communicate with people who are not conventionally attractive and/or don’t repeatedly compliment his appearance. He is beautiful, but recognizing his overt narcissism has also lessened the duration of my LE.

By: Misty

Misty — Mon, 10 Apr 2023 02:44:25 +0000

First off, I am incredibly happy to have found this website and all of the resources available. I’ve felt so alone in this for a full year and finally have a group who I can relate to sooo much.
I’ve been married for about 3 years, and I went on a trip to Costa Rica last year with some other family members (SO couldn’t make it). I met someone there and we hit it off really well and exchanged Whatsapp secretly. I didn’t really think it would go anywhere, but I fell deeply obsessed with him, and I’ve only learned recently that it was complete limerence.
This will sound very bad, but we’ve been romantically talking for about a year, and he has no idea that I’m married, and no one knows that I’m talking to him either. It’s been a bit of a struggle to secretly find time to video chat with him all while being married as well and keeping secrets on both sides. I have not been back to see him but I’ve been wanting to.
Meanwhile, during that time, I’ve discovered that he was also seeing multiple women at the same time. This completely destroyed me, and he’s apologized profusely and reassured me that it will never happen again. We’re both extremely jealous people and he’s been extremely toxic as well and very possessive (despite also being a huge cheater and liar to multiple people). I realize that I’m not any better because of what I’m doing to both him and my SO.
Fast forward, I’ve tried blocking him 3 times, unsuccessfully, and a week was the longest, which felt like an eternity. I initially would feel relief, but the anxiety and depression kick in and I give in because I end up missing him.
I seeked a therapist a few weeks ago to help me get over him and move on, since I can’t talk to anyone else about this, however her advice didn’t really help me (taking breaths, going for walks and going NC).
I’m glad I found this group and am currently in the depression and missing him like crazy stage. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a week. I’m fighting the urge to go see him in real life.

By: Anna

Anna — Mon, 03 Apr 2023 03:50:50 +0000

In reply to steve.

RELATE!!!

During the first contact with my LO I KNEW he was either a) A Narc or B) Borderline.
Even tho I suspected this,he had me at Hello.

I treated him like a god! (I’m cringing right now thinking about my behavior with him)
Basically he got what he wanted/needed (praise, validation, attention etc.)
But I got what I needed/wanted too.
Two totally different reasons for the both of us.
Uggg..what a conundrum!

By: steve

steve — Sun, 12 Feb 2023 20:50:30 +0000

In reply to Allie 1.

thanks Allie for your perspective – to your point, not everyone who enjoys flattery or attention that’s not fully recipcorcrated is evil or narssistici – for example, a celebrity has lots of fans but the celebrity doesn’t feel the same way about each fan (they probably don’t even know the fan’s names) . I think that people who are string along bread crumbs act consciously or unconsciously and sometimes their motivations are benign. unfortunately, i was in two situations where there was a lot of mixed signals, intrigue, flirting, sexting, fooling around, and blurring boundaries while still being called a “friend” – and it was by other gay guys who somehow was able to make men and women fall for them – it was their skill and unfortunately i got sucked into it and fooled – twice! but hopefully never again

By: TP

TP — Sun, 12 Feb 2023 14:26:50 +0000

In reply to Allie 1. I need to have this tattooed on my body somewhere, as my LO archetype is definitely the charming, confident type: "their charm is generic, for everyone, and not about me at all. Instead it is their subconscious way of smoothing their way way through life." Also, when I am feeling rage at my LO for his mixed signals: "in some cases LOs are narcissists (maybe yours), but I suspect not nearly as often as limerent’s like to believe they are. Our behaviour and feelings towards LO is our choice, they did not ask us for it." In fact, I think I need a mini-Allie to carry around in my pocket with me. I can learn so much from you and your experience.

By: Allie 1

Allie 1 — Sun, 12 Feb 2023 09:46:18 +0000

In reply to steve.

“MOST people would FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE OR CREEPED OUT receiving pedestal attention as a Limerent Object – but people who LOVE POWER, CONTROL, ATTENTION, VALIDATION (or narcissistic types to personality disordered types) – EMBRACE and welcome people worshiping, adoring them without giving much in return.”

I really feel for you Steve, your situation sounds very painful. But for balance I must give an alternative perspective…

Does finding pleasure in being adored by someone nice, that you really like, though not quite enough to act, make you a terrible person?
I would not be creeped out by that, I would find it sweet, flattering and validating. I would instinctively feel warmth towards a man that cares for and looks out for me. But I am certainly no narcissist, just a regular person.

Obviously in some cases LOs are narcissists (maybe yours), but I suspect not nearly as often as limerent’s like to believe they are. Our behaviour and feelings towards LO is our choice, they did not ask us for it.

Personally, really flirty, charming types leave me cold. They make me feel good for a short while but then the realisation dawns that their charm is generic, for everyone, and not about me at all. Instead it is their subconscious way of smoothing their way way through life. This type is not for me at all… they tend to be self centred which is a trait I find unattractive. I remind myself of this every time I feel their flirty charm trying to pull me back in… it is not about me… it is not about me… it is not about me…

By: Lovisa

Lovisa — Sat, 11 Feb 2023 22:42:50 +0000

In reply to Speedwagon. Women’s feelings change more rapidly than men’s. She could be thinking that you are over it.