Hi TJ, I’m sorry I missed your question!
I was just contemplating making an update here, so this is a good chance to answer your questions. I think how my transference took shape was mostly a question of coincidence. All of a sudden this person entered my life, who needed my help. As for how long it took to take my mind off LO – probably a few weeks. 🙈 The contact with my friend was so intense and so fast that it completely occupied my time and my mind. (For simplification I’ll objectify him here – though I don’t like that – and call him TO, for transference object.)

And I have to bring up that both of these people are far away from me, so that makes transference much easier. I.e. I never have to see LO again unless I take special pains to. I don’t know how transference would work when you see LO regularly. As for an SO, I would say I am estranged from mine.

I agree with you wholeheartedly about one problem replacing another. That’s why you have to be very careful with who you transfer to – I was pretty sure I wouldn’t become limerent for TO, but even on LwL there have been cases of people becoming limerent for old friends that they’ve never seen “in that way”. So you have to pick a TO that is at least not worse than the LO!

For me, my TO is a better choice in that he gives me a lot of attention (unlike LO) but the flip side is that I’m only human and (like L E. predicted) I seem to have gotten pretty attached. Also, my brain is trying to make me move this forward in some direction – it’s not happy just hanging in the status quo of frequent and warm contact. So really, I don’t know where to go from here. Well, I was already advised here to ramp down contact – but instead it has intensified. 🙈

In summary, I would not recommend doing what I did, unless you are really desperate to get out of the misery of that particular LE. This one is not misery but I have a feeling it will soon have run its course (famous last words??), and then what? It all comes back to purposeful living. I’m just taking a longer way there.

I’ve also read on here about people having constant contact via text for several years! But luckily that’s not me. It seems I’d rather see things quickly burn out than slowly fade away. That’s clearly a blessing with regard to prolonging/shortening misery. With LO1 contact/LE lasted 18 months, with LO2 I was smarter and it was 5 months.

I don’t know if you will see this or if it helps you at all, but just sharing my experience.

“I keep meaning to reduce my time on the site but what an interesting set of comments there have been on LwL over the past few days; some fresh perspectives.”

@Frederico.

Hello, Frederico. How are you, my friend? Hope you are doing well. 🙂

Because I’m out of the “altered state” of limerence for all intents and purposes, I did look up my XLO’s social media recently, and saw he posted a very recent video. (A publicly available video of him performing live music). It was interesting to analyse my own response to the video, and analyse how I feel about XLO now.

First: a disclaimer. This man posed a terrible threat to my mental health when I was in my teens and 20s, because I was lovesick for him and couldn’t stop thinking about him. So it would be very unhealthy for me to look at his social media at that time – looking at his social media would just feed the addiction and prolong the pain. Now, I think, is a different story. I’m not in the altered state, so I’m not in harm’s way any longer. My moods have been stable for a long time. I don’t want to renew my acquaintance with this man, or anything. Just a quick trip down memory lane to learn how far I’ve come in my journey towards healing…

When I watched the guy’s video, I didn’t see a potential romantic partner, or “the one that got away”. I saw a cute 41-year-old dude doing cute 41-year-old dude stuff. When we were both teenagers, I honestly couldn’t read him. Now, in my early 40s, I can read him. He’s giving me “straight man vibes”. He’s giving me “straight man pretending to be cool when actually he’s just a massive nerd” vibes. (And I don’t use the word “nerd” in a derogatory way, but in a descriptive way).

Has my XLO aged? Yes, he has. But he’s still beautiful by any standards. And here’s something that’s really uncanny – there’s one part of him that hasn’t aged. The part of him that hasn’t aged is his smile. He has the exact same smile as a 41-year-old man as he had as a 16-year-old boy. Wow! Freaky! He flashes this smile at the beginning and the end of the video, and it takes me right back to the 90s.

I realise that the thing that captivated me about my XLO was his smile. His smile drew me in much more than his eyes. Curiously, as a teenager, he often wore a serious expression. He didn’t look happy all that often. So, whenever he did look happy, I sat up and paid attention. I was one of the few people in his life he consistently smiled at – I think that’s why I assumed subconsciously he was attracted to me.

Once, back in high school, I wrote my XLO a little note. I think the note said something along the lines of: “You have the most awesome smile, Never stop smiling.” My XLO read the note, and once again he flashed me that beautiful, otherworldly smile. To me, it was as if time stopped.

It’s nice to know that he still has that million-dollar smile that melted my heart. It’s nice to know that he’s happy these days, having presumably recovered from his divorce. (His divorce was about ten years ago, so he’s had time to grieve). It’s nice to know that the thing that’s making him happy isn’t a new romantic partner – (not that there would be anything wrong with that!) – but his music.

I think, if I had to sum up my feelings for him now, I would have to quote the final verse to Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You”:

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love

I might add that LO2 even helped me with current LE by summarizing my situation with current LO- when I complained about the uncertainty my current LO (a close friend, as LO2 knows, of course doesn’t know about my limerence) created as to if he would leave town/workplace or not, he said immediately „but Mila, you know that this is your problem and your problem alone, not his?“ Which is true.
And which was one reason I was limerent for this guy, he was always one to hit you with the truth over the head, no niceties.

I skimmed over posts and got confused as to who posted what where-
I just have the vague impression that

1. there was a question about chocolate- yes! Whenever I battle limerence seriously, there is increased sugar intake. Maybe I‘m prone to addiction and need to exchange one for the other. I just wish I could exchange it for being addicted to sports or some healthy stuff, but no, it has to be either sweets or smartphone.

2. somebody is limerent for a friend he/she had before and asks if it is even possible to stay friends (and nothing more) with an LO (sorry, I can’t remember who, I‘m on a work project away from home and check in very quickly).

While I‘m still battling my limerence for a longterm friend (but being on a good way), I want to report that I just met my LO2 (the LO before current one) with his SO (he didn’t know her when I was limerent, she‘s relatively new, but engaged and pregnant), she left us for a last hour of chatting and catching up, and it was a very relaxed and wonderful evening, I like his SO very much and think she‘s the absolute right person for him. While I still think he‘s a very special person and I‘m still a special person for him, there’s no limerence in sight, but a lot of friendship- so it seems to be possible! Of course it might be only possible because he left my workplace and town. Still! It’s possible and what I hope for my current LO, who will also leave workplace and town.

This only because this someone wrote that there’s consensus here that it’s not possible to be friends with an Ex-LO.

@Marcia.

“Was she overly eager? I can see that killing the limerence. Or even killing just basic interest you may have in someone. If you ask someone out and they get your number and text you too much right away, that can kill it, for example. I’ve had the happen.”

She wasn’t overly eager – at least not from my perspective. 🤔

I think what happened was I was in the altered state of limerence. I was unconsciously looking for someone to pair-bond with. I guess my unconscious programming was: “chase, chase, chase”. The only problem: I had no programming for what to do if someone actually expressed interest in starting a relationship. I didn’t know what to do if the “chasing” turned out to be successful. I guess I was planning for all my chasing to fail. I never thought I’d succeed.

This situation with the girl overlapped my LE for LO. I was making overtures to the girl about 6 months after falling hard for LO, because I didn’t know how to define my feelings for LO anyway.

I think after I made an initial approach to the girl, the girl assumed we were a couple and I should hang out with her all the time in front of mutual friends in the capacity of boyfriend. The problem is she never explained any of this to me – I was just magically supposed to know what my role was. (Sometimes males can be very dense).

I think the “relationship” was moving ahead in her mind, but it wasn’t moving ahead in my mind. My brain kind of drew a blank after establishing there was some limited degree of mutual attraction. (Limited compared to the attraction I felt for LO).

There was something that irked me about this girl, however. She had just gotten out of a relationship with an older male. (Someone who wasn’t in school like us. A man who was probably about 20-21-22, which seems old to a 17-year-old highschooler). She broke up with this man because apparently he was “too controlling” and didn’t like her going to the movies with her female friends, etc.

She seemed to want me to be this man, minus the parts about this man she didn’t like. I strongly suspect this man was “controlling” toward the girl because he was very likely limerent for her, whereas she didn’t return the feelings quite as strongly. At the same time, she claimed she wanted a boyfriend who was limerent for her. She was attracted to guys who clearly showed signs of limerence for her.

It was confusing – she wanted a male partner to be obsessed with her, and then she got upset when the “obsession” manifested itself in a yucky way e.g. controlling behaviour.

I didn’t know about the girl’s controlling ex. When she did tell me about her ex, I certainly wasn’t going to step into her ex’s shoes. I didn’t want to control the girl. Nor did I want to obsess over her. I checked out of the “relationship” mentally at that point. I lost interest in the whole dance. It was pretty clear the girl didn’t get my personality and wasn’t attracted to me because of who I was. She was just relating to some “type” of male who lived only in her head. She didn’t realise males aren’t interchangeable with other males.

“Oh, no, you can have the granny panties. Just don’t touch the stuff I wear for gentlemen callers. 🙂”

Ah, Marcia, my dear. You are ever-gracious and eternally kind! 🤣

“As I am cautiously going forward with Lady Friend.”

Kudos to Lady Friends Brother Adam!! Believe that when you say “cautiously”

In solidarity
🤜🏻🤛🏻

Adam and Trifles

Your observations are really compelling and I am very glad that I didn’t succumb to temptation.

Thanks again – onwards and upwards for all of us.

f

Frederico, That’s a good point – and Adam makes it nicely as well: When you look back on this episode in say 5 years, how would you like to remember it? Would you like to have that dignified ending that you managed despite the inner turmoil?
Keeping it in a tight package is also something that motivates me: my LE had a clear beginning and a clear end. It won’t be something miserable that just drags on and on. Unlike my first LE – that’s one thing I’ve learned! Now when I look back in 5 years, the good outweighs the bad. Not so if I let it drag on.

Frederico

I think that when we realize a selfish motivation about an LO or our limerence it is a good sign that there is more than just neuroscience at work in our heads. It is a genuine care we have for the person to be selfless enough to leave well enough alone. My last lament to her was “I will always be here for you and Savanna (her daughter) no matter what.” and I meant it. And I know that outside of the occasional intrusive thought, it has allowed it to become a memory that I don’t want to forget, but at the same time a cautionary tale to me to not make the same mistake with another woman. As I am cautiously going forward with Lady Friend.

Kudos to you and the good effort you are making my friend. And I agree with Trifles, I would selfishly ask you to stay if at least it does you good. I would not want to loose contact with you Frederico.

Trifles

Thank you, a kind word can be so helpful!

Yes, it’s a “no brainer” really because, although I can feel him lurking in the background, he no longer contributes. Also, my final sentence through gritted teeth at Christmas was “I will always wish you well” in a nevertheless sort of way. I would very likely regret souring that moment with a snippy request after five months.

Sorry about your updates dilemma, I really empathise.