If you have an SO, it is quite possible to have such fantasies, but if the LO showed up on your doorstep with their bags packed, you would lock the door and pull down the blinds. In fact, you’ve known that deep down you haven’t separated or detached from your SO, indeed, you never thought you’d lose them when you first got caught up in limerence. You don’t want to make life altering decisions based on delusion.

Hi Bewitched,

Yes, in my case the fear of loss was limerence-creating. But the fear of loss is generally related to the strength of limerence, and it’s hard to say what comes first- when I reduce the fear, it will reduce limerence, or when limerence fades, it reduces the fear of loss, I don’t know .
I also don’t know if my fear is really reduced now or if it’s just dormant because of steady reassuring contact.
It’s true that it would be necessary to find something that replaces the role of the LE, we all know that, and so do I for a long time, but it’s easier known than done, as you say..
Sorry to hear that you think it’s not getting better. The annoyance phase didn’t help?
I still count a bit on time, the great healer, or whatever the phrase is, in my case there’s his decision coming up and the almost certain reduced contact following that.. in your case there’s no time frame, is there?

People here have all varieties of LEs and they also process/cope different. Some LEs are strongly rooted in a fantasy person, meaning someone they don’t know or hardly know. Others are rooted in an actual relationship such as friends, family (non blood related I hope) or work colleagues. I think the nature of the LE can determine the solution. But, in my experience reading hundreds of people’s stories here, NC seems to be the most widely successful method for getting over an LO. It makes sense, it starves the brain of content regarding LO.

For me, I cannot escape my LO. She is my employee and I have to coexist and collaborate with her 4 days a week. I pray continuously for her to exit my life and I have had glimpses of that when she has been on vacation. NC would be a welcome blessing as the reality of my LO seems to be better than my fantasy of her. I am sure if she did leave my life residual thoughts of her would linger probably the rest of my life, but at some point those thoughts become inert. They don’t cause me distress or cloud my mind. At this point it’s not an LE, it’s just memories of a person who meant a lot to me.

I still think almost daily of a woman I had a short but passionate fling with almost 30 years ago. The thoughts are nice but fleeting.

Hi Grego & Mila,

I love when someone comments on an old blog that I haven’t read and when this leads to new discoveries. One line that resonated in the ‘when NC doesn’t work’ blog is the following:
“The obsessive thoughts of limerence are driven by reward, by romantic desire, by fear of loss, not fear of LO”

The fear of loss is a big one. I fear the lack of validation that I get from my LO. Mila, I think you are also very triggered by loss (friendship, a work ally, etc)? It doesn’t matter that LO themselves are not perfect humans, we fear losing the imperfect people they are and what it reflects to us about ourselves. My LO is so damned devoted… (f2f). We’ve practically been NC for months at a time, only broken by the odd work contact (usually with others involved in the contact, so no one-on-one). Its been going on for years. And I am not getting much better. I have found that deprogramming is an illusion, temporary but not permanent relief.

I think that its the fear of loss that I need to tackle. Replacing what he represents with something else that actually speaks to me is a tough challenge.

All best wishes

There are many people who cannot go NC because they work with their LOs. Mostly they go for low contact.
In my case LO is a longtime friend, no contact is no option for me. I fight it out while keeping contact. But I‘ve got the advantage of years of friendship without limerence, I think I can go back to normal, but it‘s a long road…
Real contact can help getting down LO from that pedestal and not building up a false picture of flawless, wonderful LO in one‘s head.
But I guess, everyone has to find their own way through this mess…

How do you know for sure that you are suffering from a GAD ? How is the diagnosis made ?

Hey, thanks for your testimony. I would like to understand better, are u talking about the same LO for the past 20 years?
What do you mean when u say that every thing in ur mind is infested by him?

Yes I agree. Would we suggest exposure therapy to heroun addicts? Or gaming addicts etc? No we would not because it would just trigger them and make them long for it all over.

Same with limerence, its an addicting, exposure would just make things worse