Best way to avoid limerence, notice an attractive person briefly but don’t engage. Easy to walk on by, or stick to matters at hand and exit without attaching meaning to the frisson, by using the mantra: I’m taken. Anyone tries to come onto you, say it out loud.

Best way to avoid limerence while married, if seeking intense highs are your new priority, admit it, don’t even think of using your spouse as a backup plan, don’t tell yourself you won’t lose your spouse, leave first after honest discussions, wrap up the relationship properly, and then go for it. Good luck to ya.

Easiest way to get out of limerence, decide you want to stop suffering, admit the LO owns you, ask yourself if they’re curious about you, accept you created a delusion, accept that wishing for the impossible is the most painful feeling in life(and no, leaving your spouse won’t make the impossible happen), let it go and start making yourself happy.

If the LO is a narcissist who sees everything as a competition they have to win (or they will collapse), it can be quite a painful shock to be rejected by the limerent at a time of the limerent’s choosing. Limerence always ends and the limerent is in charge of the ending. Demonstrating preference unequivocally for, and a full return to, their spouse deflates the LO. If the LO is married too, their own marriage has been impacted and they will start to wake up to that. For a narcissist to lose three ways at once, to the “toy” they thought they had control over, to their competitor (the SO) whom they thought they were beating and to their own spouse to whom power has now shifted, suddenly, when LO didn’t see it coming and has no control over any of it and it happens in front of both SO’s…sweet! That’s what happened.

Wow, that is such a hard-hitting comment, cj, and so true.

The only thing I would add is, for someone who has never experienced limerence, it’s hard for them to imagine the eventual carnage that comes from seemingly innocent beginnings.

If I had not been through it, I would never in a million years think that something like limerence, in all its one-sidedness, could exist. Well, maybe for crazy people or stalkers, but definitely not me! Or so I thought. When I replay events, I don’t know how I could have made things turn out differently without having the first-hand experience that I have now.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I would do anything to go back in time and never meet LO. I don’t like the person I became, and now I have to live with the knowledge that I am capable of stooping to such lows. It is not a pleasant feeling.

Hi Sief,

I’m sorry that you are still struggling. If you’d like to share your story, I recommend doing it in the comments section of “Dealing with Limerence in Marriage.” Dr. L reserved that space for the spouses of limerents. I can’t say for certain that your wife had limerence for your neighbor, but it sounds like she did. “Soulmates” is a common theme. I noticed that Lee left you a message. She is a former spouse of a limerent. She might be a good source of support for you.

https://livingwithlimerence.com/dealing-with-limerence-in-marriage/

Can we try to work through some of that pain with you? Either way, I hope you find someone who you can connect with to soothe your pain.

On the one hand – I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible feeling when you’re betrayed by anyone, particularly someone you committed to so deeply.

On the other, she showed her true character to you without decades of marriage (and children?) in the mix.

Give yourself time to let things settle down for you emotionally.

She’s now someone you thought you knew, but didn’t and you moved on. I’d block her number too if you don’t have legal entanglements and hostage exchange situations (a kid).

It hurts, but this will lessen as you recover. Best wishes.

Thank you for sharing your story. I tried several times suggesting couples counseling for my wife and I. She was determined, she’s in love with a neighbor of ours. I found a card that he wrote to her calling her his soulmate. This is still very fresh and like everything our entire 8 years of marriage, gave her whatever she asked for. This time was the divorce. During the divorce, she asked me why can’t we wait and see where this go with her and the neighbor. She said it might “fiz-out”. I reminded her that she asked for the divorce. I found this out on New Year’s Eve 2023 and I am now writing in this March 7, 2024. The pain is still incredible. I just want to wake up..