This is so true for me and I am 9 months into this LE and about two weeks into this blog. Timing is everything as they say and my timing is way off. I truly believe if I had read this post (and discovered this blog) when the LE experience started I would have been able to see the red flags and could have done something about it. I could have exited the entry ramp or never gone in that direction in the first place. In essence I could have nipped it in the bud, which is what awareness and purposeful living is about. And I know intellectually I still can disengage but now it is harder because too many factors have already been put into place such as my fantasizing, ruminating, romanticizing and correspondence with the LO. The addiction has been fed and now I have to do through the “un-addicting” process which is so much harder than just not giving into the addiction in the first place.

I don’t know … I took this path and eventually married someone who I wasn’t attracted to and it was a disastrous mistake. Even with this compromise, I still ended up with someone with her own set of attachment issues that mixed very poorly with my own. We ended up swapping anxious and avoidant stances over and over again for nearly 20 years. And the lack of that attraction made it much harder for me to want to continue doing the work after awhile. At first I just surrendered to being stuck in a bad marriage until we both realized this was no solution at all.

Hi, Kelli,

“But now, i no longer want to be alone. I no longer am happy to be alone, i dont want to die alone.”

That’s quite an epiphany. I had a somewhat similar one a long time ago. Now, what do you do about it?

When we started dating LO #2 told me, “My greatest fear is to grow old and die alone.” At the time, she seemed set on making that a self-fulfilling prophecy. She was 28 or 29 when she said it. She got there 10 years ahead of you. Her parents were in a miserable marriage and she had a decade of dissatisfying relationships behind her. It colored her world view.

When her relationship collapsed and she moved out after living with her BF for 7 years, LO #4 told me that it was better to be alone than to be lonely.

See the difference between being alone and and being lonely?

When I came around my thought was I wanted to someone to care about me. I was on a submarine and not one person knew I was gone or cared that I came back. If that sub sank, maybe one or two distant relatives might have actually regretted it. But, it would have had no effect on their lives. My not being there wouldn’t be the first thought when anyone woke up in the morning, if I ever entered their minds again. I saw women and children lining the pier when we pulled in. There were a lot of guys on the sub with people who cared about them and were glad to see them. They had a reason to come home. I wasn’t one of them.

I was carrying enough baggage to capsize the Titanic. Once I came to the realization that I’d have to stop keeping people at arms length and allow myself to be vulnerable, it took about 7 years to find someone and I had to go through LO #2 to do it. But, I did. It took another 20 years and my marriage almost failing to shed the baggage.

What I think people really mean is they don’t want to die lonely.

I’m married with two kids. I expect to die before they do and would expect they’ll be there for me. However, it only takes one drunk driver or a nut a with a gun in WalMart and I’d be alone. But, I don’t don’t think I’d die lonely. I know they loved me and would be there for me if they could have been.

Have you ever talked to a therapist about this? If not, I recommend you do. There’s a lot to unpack. But, think about your real goal. The goal isn’t to not die alone. There are any number of ways to achieve that. Happiness is the ultimate goal. Maybe the intermediate milestone is to be able to respond to a loving, stable, and nurturing relationship with someone who’ll be there when you need them. That may take professional help.

Then, not dying alone is a natural consequence and won’t even enter your mind. It just won’t.

That is my exact situation/feelings /actions as well! Good to know im not the only one…. But im 38, and my last serious/committed relationship ended 18 years ago… With the last 18 years just spent going from 1 unavailable LO to never wanting to feel that pain again, till the next love at first sight LO walks in….(or, the LO, whom I had known for many years, and always had a crush on, but he was always in a relationship, and once he wasnt, and what started as a mutual LE, soon became the usual loss of interest on his part and he became an intense LO for me). But, the better most of the last 18 years, ive thought it was best to just not get involved cuz i didnt want the feelings….. But now, i no longer want to be alone. I no longer am happy to be alone, i dont want to die alone. This is whats known as being stuck between a rock and a hard place…..

Could you delete this for me, please.

OMG this is exactly where I am at…there is clarity of rejection and it is not easing the LE at all. Perhaps because rejection (we had both EA and PA) came with an added if we met under different circumstances (vs married with kids) it would be a thing. I am trying to go NC but for more manipulative reasons of him realizing what he lost and coming to his senses. In reality I don’t know if ultimately even if he did come back and professed his feeling if I could leave my life. But like an idiot I continue to wait and am dealing with the unbearable pain.

What if I get both clarity and rejection and I still believe it will work in the future. It is the second time that rejection does not finish my obsession. Even I exposed myself and get some closure I still believe that LO will change his mind becuase it was not true what he said. Still leaving myself in uncertainty, checking his social media and waiting for him to come back. When my logical part knows that he moved on and he said what he meant, my emotional part believes he still thinks about me.

Rejection and even clarity not always finish limerence. I am still in denial.

„or get rejected (emotional pain). Either way, both of these pathways should neutralise any uncertainty and so would tend to diminish the limerence”

What if I get both clarity and rejection and I still believe it will work in the future. It is the second time that rejection does not finish my obsession. Even I exposed myself and get some closure I still believe that LO will change his mind becuase it was not true what he said. Still leaving myself in uncertainty, checking his social media and waiting for him to come back. When my logical part knows that he moved on and he said what he meant, my emotional part believes he still thinks about me.

Rejection and even clarity not always finish limerence. I am still in denial.

Good question. My answer is no, I disagree, this applies to some limerents but definitely not all.
I would never make sweeping statements that “all limerents” have any one specific goal, personality type, mental health issue, life situation, relationship state, etc. We are all different and unique. Love is such a universal experience and limerence is just one flavour of that experience and could happen to (almost) anyone.

I’ve had a crushingly disappointing time in bed with a previous LO as well, and that is actually really useful as a reminder that the reality of anything physical with current LO may in fact be disappointing despite what feels like the most astounding attraction ever and I can’t stop fantasizing about melting in his arms.

Ironically, the best physical relationship I ever had was longish-term (over a year) but non-committal (I had zero interest, the guy totally did not tick any of my boxes for a long-term mate), with a non-LO. The barriers there never triggered limerence, interestingly enough. There was no “glimmer”, just attraction. I never ruminated or day dreamed. It was just attraction and purely having fun. Gosh, we human beings are funny.