That’s why I took a hiatus from pop music after each of my breakups, and one reason why I love alternative genres such as goth and nu-metal: different topics besides love all the time! I stopped listening to pop music a long time ago.

Hi FFOF,

your situations are different in that I never could really imagine having a real-life relationship with my friend, I always knew that I love my SO more and that I could never have a better relationship with my LO, so there never was regret about that.
Also, I‘m quite sure that the limerence is mutual, as far as my LO can be limerent. Which seems to be gratifying at first, but is quite difficult (as you can see in Lost in Spaces story better than in mine, my LO fortunately being someone who would never disclose or openly talk about feelings).
I cannot recommend it😅the faster you can bury the hope of getting closer to your friend than normal friendship, the better.
I cannot really say that a budding friendship like this can survive limerence (my friendship is in my life since ten years at least, without limerence), but I wish it for you!
Maybe in this case transference could work, as you seem to be single, and you could divert your romantic interest to another person while keeping this friend purely as a friend? Or is that a stupid suggestion, could be. I’m a bit confused today.

” I get so tired of all the songs being about falling in love, being in love, having one’s heart broken, not having the courage to speak up”

*Looks at Youtube mix that is playing right now*

Rest Your Love On Me — BeeGees
How Can I Tell Her — Lobo
I’d Love You To Want Me — Lobo
Can’t Stop Loving You — Matthew Fisher
Torn Between Two Lovers — Mary MacGregor
Take Me Now — Bread
Please Don’t Stop Remembering — Randy Edelman

That’s just the Youtube mix Youtube made for me. That’s not a playlist I constructed. Though I do assume some of those songs are picked based on my existing listening habits. If I am a masochist about anything it’s songs like these still being in my head.

LE,
So true.
It’s even worse when everything is about either fairy tale endings or grand, hopeless passions – art, music, theatre, movies, fiction! I get so tired of all the songs being about falling in love, being in love, having one’s heart broken, not having the courage to speak up – honestly, is there nothing else to sing about?

And the relentless pressure from society – are you seeing someone, why aren’t you seeing someone, why are you seeing *this* someone, if you’d just try a bit harder, I’m sure you’ll find someone …I just want to scream!

I think I should bottle this extreme irritation & frustration and take a good swig the next time I’m either up in my castle in the air or wallowing in self-pity.

FFoL,

Don’t you just hate it when no matter how you craft things, there’s no FTE?

But, it tells you a lot. I always knew LO #4 and I didn’t have a future and the acquaintance would end at some point. It was always a matter of when and how.

But, when things went south for her and she reached out to me, she hit me in a long dormant vulnerability and I went down the rabbit hole. She wasn’t trying to cause trouble, she brought out things in me that had never been addressed and resolved.

I was blessed. I escaped with minimal consequences. I also got professional help to identify and correct the vulnerability to prevent recurrence.

Keep reading.

Limerent Emeritus,
Yes! I have done exactly that – crafted the fairy tale ending and it was more like a frickin’ nightmare. It involved abandoning whatever few principles I have (I don’t usually claim any moral high ground) – and a complete change of character for my friend and unhappiness and misery all around. I actually pretended to explain the whole thing to my family/friends – said it out loud and it sounded awful. I would be a horrible hypocrite if that’s what I ended up doing.

I was reading Dr. L’s discussion of the Aristotelian framework of friendship – and friendship out of goodness sounded so much more appealing and satisfying than any limerent fantasy could.

I know there’s always a tendency to backslide, temptation is never entirely gone and triggers don’t magically disappear – hey, I was a smoker!
But thank you for your perspective – the warning is much appreciated.

FFoL,

I have a different opinion on things. There are several potential pitfalls in trying to cultivate a more than casual acquaintance with someone you might be in limerence with.

1. Sans disclosure, you’re not being entirely genuine with your LO.

2. You may be able to maintain what you believe is a casual friendship but you’re developing an attachment.

3. Things change. You only control one side of things. My last LE was going pretty well until LO #4’s relationship collapsed and things spiraled out of control. Then, again, it sounds like you’re available but your LO isn’t. In my case, LO #4 became available but I wasn’t.

4. Your LO is a coworker. There’s always some inherent risk in that. There’s a blog on it.

I could go into more detail. It’s not that it can’t be done. But, you need to stay on top of things and don’t be surprised if things change.

One thing that might help is to define your “fairy-tale-ending.” If you could craft the perfect outcome to this, what would it be? Once you have that, you walk it back to see what actually is, what is likely to happen, what you’re willing to do to make it happen, and what you’ll accept if you don’t get it.

Personally, I think developing more than a friendly working relationship is not a good idea.

Hi Mila,
Thank you! So true – it’s such a tough call.
My approach is to avoid using the term ‘LO’ and use his name. When I say I feel this way about so-and-so – it makes them a real person, with their own boundaries and autonomy.
I’ve suffered through creepy come-ons and I would never want to make my friend feel icky about me. That helps to rein in the more extreme fantasies and feelings. I’m not sure if that would help you too.
I do find that reducing my anticipation of contact helps. If I find myself picking up the phone to check his last-seen or if my message is read, I tell myself to wait 5 minutes. In those 5 minutes, I’ve usually found some distraction.
What I find hard to handle right now is the sadness and regret that a different kind of relationship isn’t possible. But that regret can be experienced in a non-limerent attraction too.
Good luck – I do hope it ends well with you too!

That is such wonderful advice from your father! It’s such a sad commentary on human nature, isn’t it, when genuine care for another human being is so easily misunderstood & assumed to spring from ulterior motives.
I wish you all the very best in your own fight, and I do hope you keep this new friendship. Friends have been the mainstay of my life – even the family members I’m closest to are my friends!

Thank you for your support & kindness – that helps tremendously!
It’s awful today, v painful but I know I can do this! Mourning something that was only ever a dream can be as painful as mourning the loss of something that was real (I’ve done both, so I know).
I’ve managed to quit smoking, so I have some experience of kicking a habit – the first 7 days are the hardest.
The only way out is through.