I really like this Jaideux! Such a succinct description of what I also believe an attention loving LO mentality can be. You have a great insight into his perspective… maybe one of his worst failings was not also taking the effort to see the relationship from your perspective. Some people are bad at that which makes them more thoughtless and a bit self centred rather than full-on narcissists.

I don’t think he was a malignant narc or whatever they call it. I think he was just addicted to having people swoon over him and he justified it by showering them with kindnesses (which made them swoon more) and he thought he was a nice person that happened to have a lot of people besotted with him. He also had a secret stubborn and defiant side that refused to listen to reason when cautioned about this hurtful behaviour. He surely was somewhere on the narc spectrum.
I actually don’t know who/what he really is/was, and I am so glad to be NC and no longer feel like I have to solve this mystery.
Limerence free and walking tall!!!
(But ever on guard!)

Very wise comment Bobbie.
I should ask myself when I see that -“so what changes?” The answer is “nothing”. Good point.

“We all want to be special don’t we? If you felt special with someone and that is taken away, you miss it and thus seek it out again. ”

Allie1,
Agree. Thats why life transitions are so tough. I used to be pretty possessive of my “best friends” but that fell off over the years as I (hopefully) got enough maturity to realize that I was smothering them. I don’t feel that way about any friends at all. A bit initislly about LO 😉 but that’s going away now too.

I feel honored that you wrote this case study about this situation of mine!

You are spot on and everything you say makes total sense.

“personal connection that has a element of intimacy” …. yes there is definitely an element of intimacy & trust. I am his confidante. He cares about me, but in a very older brother way. That’s why this subtle but unmistakable jealousy does not seem to fit in. But your explanation makes sense.

The last few days have been good for LE. I don’t know what shifted but somehow I can feel a little diminished attraction towards him. There’s also a chance I may end up changing departments & working for someone else. Which will be a HUGE step forward. And when I heard about it, I just felt excited about the change not like missing him. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

@Allie 1: I tend to agree with you. I don’t think it is necessarily narcissistic to enjoy the fact that someone likes you.

Narcissism it is for me. A girl did it to me.

Totally normal human behaviour for sure. We all want to be special don’t we? If you felt special with someone and that is taken away, you miss it and thus seek it out again. Regardless of whether you see them as a friend, co-worker or potential romantic partner. It is always pleasurable, thus we always tend to be drawn to it.
I also think so much of this behaviour is subconscious and most people are not really fully aware of what they are doing and why. Sometimes we just like being around someone because doing so makes us feel good.
Wanting to feel special does not make someone a narcissist. That is a whole other level of conscious, planned and deliberate behaviour – an machiavellian campaign to cultivate unhealthy attachment.

However, my LO hasn’t flirted with me in a long time. Sure, we are very close as friends, and we have spent quite a bit of time one-on-one, often discussing some pretty personal things. I still do say some extremely flirtatious things to her at times, but they are usually framed as joking. Yet I’m pretty sure she actually enjoys it when I flirt with her or say complimentary things about her appearance, etc.

She has made it clear I am not her type (without telling me outright, but she has said several times what her type actually is and it certainly isn’t me). As mentioned, she no longer really flirts with me, although she does seem to like it when I flirt with her. The funny thing is that I know for certain that she is jealous when I talk about other women. She always has that telltale jealous look on her face that is absolutely unmistakable. I have often wondered why that is? Does she actually like me too? I have heard little hints from a mutual friend of ours that she might not be averse to something with me if my situation was different. It could be that the feeling is mutual to a certain extent, but I have also heard from at least a couple of women in this community that women do sometimes get jealous of men they know are attracted to them when they seem to have moved on from them and are attracted to someone else. I think I have felt that to a certain extent too. Everyone enjoys an ego boost, even if it is from someone who might not be your type. Knowing that you don’t have an exclusive on someone you thought was totally into you might be a blow to the ego. But is that narcissism or just normal human behaviour?

Jealousy from an LO was a turn-off for me, too. A natural deprogramming opportunity. LO#1 expressed jealousy toward my husband. It felt odd and confusing. My husband plays a key role in my well being. If LO cared about me, wouldn’t he want my primary relationship to thrive?

Jealousy reveals selfishness. I like Stephanie’s idea to use it for deprogramming.