MaryM, I can’t think of any ways that disclosing to your LO could go right. I think I have the ideal situation with my LO3 and it is hard sometimes. We are post-disclosure (because he disclosed), my SO knows and I am still allowed contact with LO3. We both have high standards and we’re both committed to our spouses. The high standards are the reason we can pull this off, and I rarely see my LO in person. You see yours regularly. One moment of weakness post-disclosure and you lose your happy marriage. Yikes. Please don’t disclose to LO.

Mary

I had forgotten that the discussion was more about the biological differences in men and women and how when limerence sets in that men and women get hit with different glimmers and typically different LO’s But it was an interesting conversation. I also had forgotten that Miss Lovisa and made a great comment in the discussion too.

https://livingwithlimerence.com/new-year-purpose/#comment-38129

https://livingwithlimerence.com/new-year-purpose/#comment-38133

https://livingwithlimerence.com/new-year-purpose/#comment-38255

https://livingwithlimerence.com/new-year-purpose/#comment-38268

All of it is in the “New Year Purpose” blog post. (The first post I started commenting in.)

Adam, do you know which post contains the comment you referenced from Limmy? TIA

Hi MaryM! Your situation sounds a lot like mine – I’m also a married person in my early 40s who is limerent for a co-worker. I disclosed my feelings for her rather impulsively back in December, and she told me that she felt the same way. It felt amazing for like 30 seconds, and then we both realized we were totally screwed. Because once we’d both disclosed mutual feelings, there was no way to just keep on pretending to be friends, so our only choices were to cut contact or continue in (at least) an emotional affair. For several months, we oscillated between the two options – we’d agree that cutting contact was best, then we’d both feel so heartbroken that we’d start talking again, then things would heat up so much it would almost turn physical, then we’d cut contact again, and so on. Now we’re finally into week 3 of very limited contact and I miss her so badly. And the whole thing has been pretty terrible, with lots of tumultuous emotions (some exhilaration, a lot more anxiety and heartbreak) and ultimately I’ve lost the initial friendship with her as well. I’m just fortunate that we didn’t cross any irrevocable lines and my marriage is still intact. But damn, there’s been a lot of pain and heartbreak after disclosure.

So as usual, my advice to most anyone would be that if you’re both single and there are no other significant barriers, then disclose away! But if one or both of you are married, please resist that temptation and keep those feelings to yourself – disclosing can lead to some pretty awful outcomes. In my case, the BEST case scenario after disclosure was that only me and LO would get our hearts broken with no innocent people harmed, so I sincerely hope that you’re able to avoid ending up in that same spot.

I really appreciate your encouragement, Lovisa. You make some really compelling points. I especially keep zoning in on “And if he reciprocates…” when I read this. I am so anxious for relief in this phase that I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to fully acknowledge all the ways this could go (wrong).

Thanks, Adam. I appreciate your thoughtful response. Especially what you shared in the last paragraph. So hard and so complicated.

Mary

Your story is very familiar. I tend to have read too much into LOs behavior and words thinking they were more than they were. While the contemplation to disclose to LO came up in my head I mostly realized that it wouldn’t be fair to her to put this burden on her.

I realize that is different for you. But if he does have an attraction to you that he doesn’t seem to articulate in a straight forward way it may be because he is pulling back out of respect for your marriage. Disclosing to him would be a heavy burden to bear knowing you feels similarly but he doesn’t want to be a home wrecker.

In another post, poster Limmy, articulated very well about how differently many men and women respond differently to attention from the opposite sex. And if your LO is lonely as you said than reading more into the two of you’s interactions is going to be hard for him not to do. Part of my issues with LO was that instead of addressing concerns of my marriage to my wife I got caught up in the attention of LO. Not saying that’s your issue too. Just trying illustrate how the right conditions in our lives can make us more susceptible to glimmer and LE.

I am happy to say that LO is now in a very healthy relationship with another man that can provide, protect and preside to her and her daughters after a bad divorce. I realize now what I did to LO (and obviously my wife) was unfair for how much ever she realized I felt. Finally in the end I did the right thing. I let her go.

I love this song more and more every time I hear it.

Let Her Go — Passenger
https://youtu.be/RBumgq5yVrA

Welcome to our club, MaryM. Your story is interesting. Kudos to you and your SO that you were able to talk to him about your LE.

It sounds like you are thinking about disclosing your feelings to your LO. I feel strongly that it is never a good idea to disclose attraction to someone if either of you is in a committed relationship. I understand the desire to disclose is intense. Hopefully you can withstand the temptation and keep things at the friend level. If you disclose, you have no control over what happens next. And if he reciprocates, life gets really complicated. I believe it is in everyone’s best interest if you keep your feelings of attraction to yourself.

I know it’s hard. Good luck!

I wish happiness and peace for all of us.