Great post, Robyn. One burning question. How did you deal with the attachment wounds ?

Sammy,
“I don’t really need anybody in my life in order to feel happy”
A specific person or people in general? I mean, to me, a big part of life is needing other people, forming relationships, supporting each other. I mean, relationships in general, not just romantic. It’s hard to attach to people who don’t need anything from you.

Sammy,
“If I used my own life as evidence, I’d argue that human women have absolutely no interest in human men. Heterosexual attraction in females is a myth.”
I can only speak for myself, but I have been powerfully attracted to certain men, but it’s not a feeling I experience often or walk around having to contain. With those attractions I have pursued the man if he wasn’t pursing me, and I think I was very obvious. I think subtlety doesn’t work with your side. 🙂 But with garden variety interest … there’s only so much I’m going to do. I remember one guy I used to work with tossing out that he and I should get a drink a couple of times, but he never mentioned a specific day or asked for my number. Maybe he wasn’t serious. Idk. Or maybe was waiting for me to do more, but I wasn’t feeling it enough to walk out on that ledge. But that’s me. There are some women who will not make the first move, no matter what. I kind of enjoy flipping the script in the right situations.
“From experience, I know a man making a pass at me means nothing – it is NOT a reflection of deeper romantic feelings on his part. ”
Yes, totally agree. I’m not even sure if it’s necessarily a reflection of a much of an attraction. Once you find out how many people he’s making passes at or how many people he finds appealing, you realize you are a member of a club with way too many members.
“I’ve gained an incredible degree of emotional stability. I just feel so at peace all the time…”
I’m happy for you. Really. I feel irritated a lot of the time. I was reading that peoples’ happiness bottoms out at about age 47, only to swing back up as they get older. I’m hoping that’s true. I mentioned this to a friend the other day, whose solution to middle-aged ennui was to take.up.knitting. I am not making that up.

“I have noticed that my LEs in my twenties and early thirties were shorter. I think it’s because I had a lot more going on socially then, and the socializations ( I don’t mean dating) was much more fulfilling.”

@Marcia.

Interesting. I’m actually the opposite. The “attractions”, for want of a better word, I had in my teens and twenties tended to be very painful and protracted. Any “attractions” I have today tend to be quite short-lived and much less destabilising, mere flashes in pan. I feel most of my attractions today are garden-variety crushes and not full-blown limerence at all.

I feel this change has come about because, as I’ve aged, I’ve become a lot less trusting and I no longer invest my whole heart and soul in potential romantic partners. I’ve become a lot more guarded. I am probably also considerably less needy emotionally, which also helps. I don’t really need anybody in my life in order to feel happy and so attractions don’t spiral out of control as they once did. 😉

@Marcia.

“Well, you said you like unavailable people, so if you know they are unavailable, then you know the outcome of the dance you two are doing.”

Well, I don’t know they’re unavailable right off-the-bat. That’s simply the conclusion I reach after knowing them for a while…

Obviously, for an LO to become a fully-fledged LO, they have to by definition engage in some degree of attempted flirting and inappropriate enmeshment. They have to express some interest, however dubious. 😉

“With an LO … that endless dance started to bug me. Make a move or go away. 🙂”

Yes, I understand your frustration with the prolonged “dance”. It does start to feel a bit pointless after a while…

“Not that I would mind a “professional” trying to seduce me; I just don’t think it’s ever happened. 🙂”

Funny you should say that. I don’t think a member of the opposite sex has ever expressed an overt interest in me. If females have ever flirted with me, and I’m sure a few must have due to probability alone, their signals must have been so subtle that I missed them altogether. Unless, of course, the ladies were waiting for me to make the first move?

If I used my own life as evidence, I’d argue that human women have absolutely no interest in human men. Heterosexual attraction in females is a myth. Women don’t actually like men. 😉 And no, I don’t believe I give off a “gay vibe”. Women simply have … better things to do??? Either that, or they’re all happily married. 😆

Men – and I mean all men – are pretty clumsy and transparent when they make passes. I am no longer flattered when a man makes a pass at me, no matter how attractive he is or how smooth his approach. From experience, I know a man making a pass at me means nothing – it is NOT a reflection of deeper romantic feelings on his part. Sex, for men, is a numbers game. Men on the whole are pragmatists, painfully unimaginative, opportunistic, boring, pathetic etc, etc. I’ll stop right there because I’m sounding bitter.

“I have to be frank with you … as someone who is a bit older than you. There is no blessing in getting older.”

I respectfully disagree with you, Marcia. I feel there are some gains and some losses in getting older. Did I love the looks and the athleticism I had at 19? Yes, absolutely. Have I lost some looks and athleticism? Yes, of course. But I also feel I’ve gained something as a 39-year-old that money can’t buy. I’ve gained an incredible degree of emotional stability. I just feel so at peace all the time…

My levels of anxiety and depression today are so much lower than they were when I was younger, and I don’t think you can put a price tag on that. You hear all these stories of wealthy people and celebs with mental health issues, and they presumably have access to the best doctors, medical care, etc. But money can’t buy peace of mind. Good mental health is priceless, and mine has come about as an indirect result of aging I think. So I am a big fan of aging, from a mental health perspective. I.e. the older I get, the better I feel. 😉

Funny story, though. I was walking home recently, and saw this young fella in his early twenties kicking a ball around a field by himself. And, since I still look younger than my age, this young fella said hello very warmly. It was clear he wanted me to join him for a game. I politely declined. On the one hand, I didn’t want to hurt the young man’s feelings. On the other hand, I knew my aging body isn’t up to the rigorous physical workout involved in team sports.

Madi,
“I focus my energy on LOs instead of real crushes.”
Well, technically, if you want to be really practical and “non-limerent-ish” about it, we all should focus on those people who like us and try to move things forward with us. I’m not saying you’re not doing that.

I’m not interested in to many people but when I am they almost always turn into an LO it first started when I was 13. And my LEs get really severe. I think the reason this happens is that I focus my energy on LOs instead of real crushes.

Maybe the refocusing strategy works on other people? It usually hurts me though.

Does everyone you are interested in eventually turn into an LO? That hasn’t been my experience. LOs are rare, and just because I start dating or seeing someone while still limerent for an LO doesn’t mean the person I’m dating becomes another LO. I have had one LO replace another LO but there were years in between meeting them.