“I think you have to keep on reminding yourself that you never had a life with him {her}. It’s a fantasy.”

Wow! This really hit me. It’s an emotional delusion out of an unconscious need to be loved/valued . Then this other becomes the recipient of our projected perfect other. By the way, I’m a psychologist with over 30 years of clinical experience and “limerence” was something I never heard of. It’s not in the DSM! But my “love sickness” led me to try to understand what I was going through for the first time in my 69 year old life.

I’m in that mourning process right now. My LE experience started 6 months ago when someone I was developing a “normal” relationship with expressed deep affection for me with their words and behaviors. I realize now they probably had developed a limerence for me. Within days I was in full limerence, something I had never experienced before. As my LE fades I feel such sadness and the feeling of a “normal” relationship seems quite empty.

Meant *one older lady

Although I can’t speak for C, my life was fulfilling before limerence. My feelings have said otherwise and I can’t imagine or believe that I was ever happy, but I know for a fact that I was.
In the first weeks of my obsessive thoughts (when I accidentally let my mind wander), there was a dopamine high and it quickly became an addiction.
My mind became so full of thoughts about him that it took my attention from everything else, and that’s what made everything else feel unsatisfying, because of the dopamine high as my mind became so fixated on him.
At the worst part of this phase, I felt he is the only person who matters.
One older wisely told me, “What you put your attention on grows.” I decided to intentionally *value* other people by praying for them, thinking of them, and reaching out to them, and finally the day came when I felt genuine connection with them again (it was a relief).

Thank you!

“very valuable in the initial healing process, but there comes a time when it might be wiser to disengage”

“Is it a substitute for limerence to read about limerence?”

Maybe…

https://livingwithlimerence.com/freedom-from-limerence/

https://livingwithlimerence.com/freedom-from-limerence-is/

Dear “SillyLimerent”. Another beautiful and thought-provoking post which I was fascinated to read. There is more empathy from me although I have no helpful advice to offer, unfortunately. The further insight into your experience has helped me. Yes, I get the chicken similarity. Thank you x

Dear Frederico,

Thanks for reading and sharing. I am sorry for your loss. I know it doesn’t seem it, but your LO moving away is possibly a blessing in disguise, if indeed no contact is the cure for what ails us. My LO is a few years younger as well. I think it would be a blessing if he switched jobs, but I know he won’t.

What is interesting and similar here is that my LO used to text, out of the blue, “Miss you” similar to your LO. I would relish his having thought of me at what seemed like random times and reaching out. In my head “Miss you” and “Love you” seemed interchangeable. He is married, I am married, so of course he would not text “love you.”

“Miss you” was his way of saying he loved me in super secret code, right? WRONG. He actually meant that he missed me. This is the worst thing about the LE. We know they can’t just love us with no complication, so we read between the lines when there are none. We fool ourselves. In the process, we become more addicted to them.

A little off topic: We had an inside joke, my LO and I. It had to do with a chicken. I will spare the details, but a week or so ago I went to a restaurant that had a huge plastic chicken mounted on the wall. It took everything I had not to snap a picture and text it to him. I cried for a bit, but I didn’t send him anything. I imagine your sinking feeling at seeing where your LO used to park his motorcycle is similar. It’s very lonely to know that I am the only one who is hurting when I look at those spaces where my LO lives in my mind. No one else saw that chicken and wanted to cry.

Dear “SillyLimerent” I have been addicted to this site for many months. My heart goes out to you. Your post is beautifully written. All experiences are different but I felt so much empathy. I do hope that your pain will fade over time.

I met my LO three years ago. He was a neighbour and is unusual in that he is articulate, friendly, candid and witty. I am 68 and he is 38. Nevertheless a very strong friendship arose. Living in the same block of flats, we met often in passing and also started to exchange regular WhatsApp messages. He gradually became very affectionate in his messages (the use of WhatsApp was started by me). Deep down, I realised the dangers but I became infatuated. He hugged me whenever me met which gave me a dopamine fix like no other. He is staggeringly good looking which is how he originally caught my eye.

He has been very kind to me over some health issues. I began to depend on these messages and probably talked about my health way too much. Eighteen months ago he and his girlfriend had a baby and a year ago they moved away to another town. The sensible part of me knew that this should be a good thing, particularly as I wanted to avoid upsetting his girlfriend in any way.

The affectionate messages continued, kind of both ways, however although they were never sexual. He would say “I miss you” and “all the love”. It was still the main focus of my life although I knew it had to stop.

Well, lucky me, I guess, now it has stopped because the messages have completely dried up although two months ago I succumbed and asked how he was. He replied kindly but briefly. No contact now for two months. I feel “ghosted” and very hurt but I realise that this is how it has to be.

I have read the recommendation of “purposeful living” on this very helpful forum. I do want to make efforts in that direction but so far I have failed. With some bad timing, my recent cancer radiotherapy and hormone treatment is causing fatigue, mood swings etc.etc. so I am taking it all one day at a time.

I know that this beautiful man needs to get on with his changed life but the emotional pain is phenomenal. I realise from this forum that many hundreds of people have somehow let the same thing happen to them. I want to tell him that I feel hurt but that would just be piling guilt onto him and the truth is that I already knew that No Contact probably had to follow. I often deluded myself with the theory that we could be lifelong friends.

I can’t walk past the road anchor where he used to park his motor cycle without a sinking feeling.

Well, probably like many limerents, I have found it cathartic to put this in writing. If you have read this, thank you.