I am coming back half a year later to say that my LO did date the person I introduced him to. He called it off after awhile, I felt a bit bad for the girl. Then he found himself someone else to obsess about, and that surprisingly was harder for me to take. I’ve played the good wingman all this while. It was tough at the start of each time he started with someone. Now doesn’t really hurt so much (as when I was in LE). But it is not a great feeling to see him mooning over the second girl he liked. To complicate matters, she is now dating someone else, so LO is pining after someone unavailable again. Oh and he recently said he thinks he is still in love with this ex from two years ago as well. Is the guy just a mess? And am I just letting myself be dragged into his complicated love life?

I want to follow the advice to ignore it until you no longer care. I think I am getting there.

Well, you didn’t answer the question. Are they actually dating or did you just offer to introduce them? Not sure why you did that. She’s an LO, so I’d take the mindset that she can get her own dates. I mean, unless they start dating and jump into some big, sexy thing, I’d try to put it out of my mind as much as possible. And if you don’t want to hear about her love life, you may not be able to be as close as friends (or, really, friends at all if you want the limerence to end).

I’m limerent! Of course my imagination is jumping the gun 😉
But kidding aside, just how many ways can this hurt?

” Is it my destiny to dance at their wedding while I die a little inside?”
I think you are jumping the gun a little. Have they even gone on a date? Was there mutual interest/attraction? If that even happens, that’s a lot because most dates end up in the what … the “nice enough person, no chemistry” category?

what about an SO’s LO’s also LE for me
LO is always talking for the both of them, I’m confused

PS,

This one’s for you!

https://livingwithlimerence.com/can-limerence-be-safely-harnessed/

My experience [last LE] trying this is excruciatingly detailed in this string:

https://livingwithlimerence.com/barriers-and-uncertainty/#comment-3739

As long as you’re not actively involved with your LO, you might be able to pull it off.

It’s a minefield. If you know where the mines are and know you can avoid them, go for it. Just remember, things can change and while solving problems is good, avoiding them is better. You can’t sail into a mine that you never laid.

It doesn’t sound like you’re being disingenuous to your SO. You’re not the first poster on LwL whose SO wasn’t concerned about their LE as long as it stopped short of a PA. My wife didn’t endorse mine. She didn’t take my disclosure well.

Life is all about risk management. You have agency and, if you’re aware of the risk, you can choose to accept it or not. Maintaining an active LE takes work. The bigger the hit you want, the more you have to manage it.

So, can you maintain an active low-key LE?

The big question for you is are you relatively confident you can keep it low-key?

Maybe…maybe not.

@Limerent Emeritus, thanks for your comment. This is really interesting, because when I think about LO, it’s in a context without time.

For example, if I’m stressed and I want a hit of warm fuzzy feelings and tingles (oxytocin?), I imagine kissing LO in an elevator, or in the cereal aisle of the supermarket, or some scene that has no time attached.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

@Sammy, wow thanks this is a great summary of the questions discussed on this site! I especially resonate with #11: If limerence isn’t some huge disruptive or destructive thing, is it still limerence? I do wonder about that.

It WAS a huge experience for me, but almost exclusively internal (although I did discuss it with SO who was pretty laid back about it and said that as long as it never became a physical affair with LO, it didn’t bother them, and it brought us closer together). So it was huge, and had all the characteristics of limerent thought obsession, but was not disruptive (although maybe a bit when I was not present with my kids in the early stage of LE), and certainly not destructive.

Sammy Sams,
Gore Vidal is a perfect example of someone who stayed frozen in amber in some kind of fantasy land. He had a one-off tryst with some guy in high school and claimed that was the love of his love until he died in his 80s. But … this guy was engaged to a woman. Had had survived WW2, he and Gore would probably have not ended up together. Meanwhile, Gore had a partner for 40 or 50 years. THAT’S the the love of his life. The other guy is just some memory he couldn’t let go of.
When I mentioned some limerents want the LO to stay a fantasy, I meant that they have no intention (and do not want to) make a move to consummate things. Gore did make a move, bless his heart. 🙂 (I’m not knocking Gore. I love him, I have a picture of him as my screen saver on my computer with one of his quotes: “Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say and not giving a damn.” Kevin Spacey was to play Gore in a biopic before it was discovered Spacey was a creeper. I think he would have been fantastic in that part.)